OPERATION U.N.W.I.N.D. - EmeraldButterfly - Codename: Kids Next Door [Archive of Our Own] (2024)

Chapter 1: Abby

Chapter Text

It was the middle of week three without Number 1 when Number 5 came into the TV room of the Sector V treehouse. Just as she’d suspected, her teammates were mindlessly watching a Rainbow Monkey Soap Opera(everyone was so down that even Number 4 didn’t make one complaint about the program and he HATED those Rainbow Monkeys). Something had to be done.

Number 5 cleared her throat to get their attention. Nobody moved except Number 2, who rolled over and let out a snore.

“Okay, that’s it!“

The whole team snapped out of their gloomy haze to see Number 5 snatch the remote and turn off the tv.

“We’re getting ice cream! Now!“

That got their attention.

The entire team stared at the small dark-skinned girl in her signature red baseball cap. Number 5 hadn’t sounded so determined about anything since— well, since Number 1 left for space.

“I dunno… it wouldn’t be the same without Number 1.“
The soft comment came from a certain pilot who was never without his aviator goggles, whether he was in the air or on the ground.

“It wouldn’t be the same.“ echoed Number 3 as she listlessly covered her eyes with her oversized green sweater.

Crossing her arms, Number 5 turned on the overhead light . “Number 1“ ,she said with as much confidence as she could put into her voice, “wouldn’t want us mourning the living. Listen, in a week things will start picking back up. Numbuh 5 doesn’t think Father’s gonna be awfully happy about how we snatched his pipe. Is this the state you wanna be in when he shows back up?”

Number 2 and 3 just mumbled, but Number 4, a short blonde kid with an Australian accent and plenty of fight, was already out of his funk. He stood up on the back of the couch and stared down his teammates.
“Number 5’s right! We’re Sector V! We go on dangerous missions all the time and beat the crud out of the bad guys! We can go get some ice cream without Number 1, can’t we? What would he say if he saw us? Are we going? Or did you all already grow up?”

That last accusation did the trick. Right before Number 1 left, all five of them swore an oath never to grow up, no matter how old they all got. And they weren’t about to break that oath. Not for anything.

For the first time in the last couple of weeks Abigail Lincoln, the new leader of Sector V, finally felt cool.

It had been a struggle for everyone since Nigel Uno (or Number 1 to the Kids Next Door) had been selected to become a member of the Galactic Kids Next Door, a elite super-secret part of an already elite super-secret organization. He had earned this; the Galactic Kids Next Door (or the GKND) only took the single best operative from every planet to fill their ranks. And Number 1 was chosen out of every operative in the world. Everyone missed him, but maybe things were finally looking up.

The decision to get ice cream was ,in Number 5’s opinion, the best decision of her Sector Leader tenure so far. For the first time in so long, Abby felt cool and in control. Maybe being Sector leader wasn’t so hard after all.

Morale had skyrocketed in the last hour. The best part of all? They didn’t even have to pay. Some uptight-looking blonde woman in a green dress that reminded Abby of lizard skin paid for it. The stranger seemed to be in a good mood, even though she did tell the poor pimply-faced teenager behind the counter to tuck his shirt in. After all, she paid for their ice cream. Everyone in Sector V got 4 scoops of any flavor.
This seemed like a good omen to Number 5 as she led her team down the street.

“I wonder what type of ice cream those Galactic Kids have.” Number 2 commented with his mouth full of chocolate fudge ripple.

“I don’t know,” Number 5 answered with a small smile. “I just hope they have snow cones. I don’t know how Number 1 would survive if they didn’t.“

Numbuh 4 wolfed down the last scoop of his ice cream with a mischievous grin.
“Speaking of Number 1, I haven’t seen Lizzie the Lizard at school lately.”

They all laughed at this,and then Number 3 piped up.
“I haven’t seen Lizzie anywhere… but I did see the Delightful Children!“

“Where?“ Number 2 asked, absentmindedly digging into his ice cream. The Delightful Children from Down the Lane, Sector V’s sworn enemy and the legendary missing kids from Sector Z (a whole nother story)had been suspiciously quiet since the day they were flushed down a giant toilet at the Rainbow Monkey Potty park.

“See? Over there!“ Number 3 cheerfully pointed at the road ahead of them.

The Delightful Children from Down the Lane came stomping down the street in one of their trademark contraptions. This time it was a spider-like walking mech with a glass dome encasing the drivers, who were elevated a couple of feet off the ground. It was very much like the one they had used to attack the KND before… except something was off. The old Walker was purple with red trim. This one was brilliantly, blindingly white, just like the Delightful Children’s new white robes that replaced their usual prep school uniforms. Even Lenny’s signature football helmet was white.

“Hello, Kids Next Door.“ The Delightful Children greeted in unison, for that was one of their quirks. They did everything together, talked with one blended voice together, fought and crushed their enemies together, celebrated all their birthdays five different times of year together. Rumor had it that they even went to the bathroom together. The Delightful Children from Down the Lane could not be divided. That was a fact of life.

Number 2 was the first to speak . “Hey guys! I’ve never seen walking talking toilet paper before!”

The other three burst out laughing.
“Eww! That’s gross!” Number 3 squeaked out through a fit of laughter.

Numbuh 4 was the next kid to join in.
“Someone wiped and threw it into the street instead of flushing!“

Number 5 wiped a tear from her eye. ”Man, Toilenator’s really upped his game. He can make a toilet walk and talk, and it even dresses itself.“

Sector V was laughing, but the Delightful Children just sat there unamused in their little ball staring at them.

“Anything else?” They asked flatly.

“Yeah, what’s with the getup? Father kicked you out so you had to go crawling to Mummy?” Number 2 called out at the top of his lungs.

The laughs kept coming.Number 2 was really on a roll today.

The Delightful Children all had the smug smile of kids who thought they knew a lot more than their peers.
“It’s a religious thing. You Kids Next Door are too immature to understand.”

“What are you worshipping, a giant toilet?” Number 4 said, pounding his fist on the grass.

The Delightful Children sighed, and out from their turret came a hedge of identical white sneakers. “Before we kick your butts, we would like to give you a head start. Allow us to start the countdown.“

It was then that Number 5 remembered her whole team was unarmed. The threat of any villain being ready to make an attack right now was so small that she didn’t even bother to tell anyone to pack a mustard blaster. Her heart was racing.

“Scatter!”

Not quite ready for a fight,her team obeyed that command.

“5…4…3…2…”
The Delightful Children didn’t even bother to count down to 1.

Sector V put up a struggle befitting their training and reputation but it was all in vain. Number 2 was caught first while he was trying to look for a better hiding spot. He was picked up by the long metallic arms of the robot and kicked by all of the sneakers going around and around like a painful carnival ride.

Number 3 ran the furthest, but she was no match for the long, spidery arms of the machine. Meanwhile, Number 4 actually climbed on top of the glass dome and was trying to crack it open with a rock when he was shocked by an electric shield. He was given a good kick and landed in a pile on top of his teammates.

Number 5 managed to climb a tree and was trying to figure out the layout of the battlefield. She could have kicked herself for being so stupid as not to bring a single weapon or piece of 2x4 tech with them. Unfortunately for her, the Delightful Children had the same idea.

A cluster of long metal legs extended up and quickly grabbed Number 5, who was unceremoniously kicked into the pile of her friends.

“You delightful creeps!“ Number 4 yelled from underneath Number 5. A cut on his chin and two matching skinned knees wouldn’t be enough to stop him from fighting back. “You cruddy cheaters didn’t even get to 1!”

“Oh, Wallabee, we’re terribly sorry…“ His attackers said in a voice that was just dripping with fake sympathy. ”We don’t see Number 1 anywhere!”

They all laughed together. One of them pressed a button and the metallic spider(it really was exactly the color of a toilet)began to grow until it was at least 12 stories high. The legs were now as thick around as tree trunks and for some reason those legs now had giant white sneakers.

The Delightful Children laughed maniacally as they raised the spider’s big shoe to finish off Sector V. Number 5 was sure they were doomed. Her whole team was doomed and it was all her fault. She braced herself for impact and hoped somebody would survive.

Then came the voice, a clipped British accent that sounded almost Americanized and for one blissful moment they all thought that Nigel Uno had come back to save them.

But it wasn’t him. This was a woman’s voice. In fact, it was the same voice that they had heard back at the ice cream parlor offering to buy the whole team ice cream. Now that voice was ripping into the Delightful Children, who were shaking more fearfully than if it had been Father’s rage.

“What are you five doing? Tormenting these defenseless children? Didn’t your Father raise you better than this!?”

“But you don’t understand! These Kids Next Doofs were mocking us and our tithing whites and...”

The next part of the conversation flew over Sector V’s heads. They were still too dazed from the fight to pay attention, but what they definitely heard was the blonde lady say a single word in a voice that betrayed no anger, only authority.

“Silence!”

For once in their lives the Delightful Children were actually silent.

”Get down here this instant or so help me—“

The machine returned to its original state with much clacking and clanking and soon the Delightful Children were back to just above ground level.

“Now apologize to them.“

The Delightful Children wanted to talk back but only said “We’re sorry, Sector V.“

“Now turn around and GO HOME.”

The Delightful Children’s Spider Walker slumped away in defeat. A few seconds later, the woman turned to Sector V. “Are you all right?”

Number 5 stood up and brushed herself off. “Yeah, thanks.” She had a gut feeling that this woman was not to be trusted, but there was no proof of that, right? It was probably just motion sickness from being tossed around. “And you are?”

“You may call me Ms. Griswold.”

Chapter 2: Wally

Chapter Text

Ever since Number 1 left, things were changing quickly in the life of Wallabee Beatles. And he didn’t like it one bit.

It all started the very next day after Number 1 left. Number 5 called him into her room on a gray rainy morning.

“Numbuh 4,“ she said, walking over to her personal ice cream bar, “sit down and have a sundae with me.“

Number 4 did as he was told. Number 5 had the best soda and ice cream bar on the planet and any chance to get something from it was to be taken at all costs.

As Number 4 began to eat, Number 5 sat at the bartender’s stool nursing a vintage root beer. With a mouthful of ice cream, Number 4 thanked her for letting him in and asked what the occasion was.

He was expecting her usual reply of “No occasion.” but instead she sighed and looked down at the counter.

“Listen, Number 4… Number 5 has to be honest with you. I didn’t just invite you in here for ice cream.“

“What is it ?” Number 4 kicked his legs back and forth under the bar. He could never really sit still, especially not when something huge was about to happen.

Number 5 took a deep breath. “Look, when Number 1 left he put me in charge.“ Number 4 went back to his ice cream. What did she even call him in here for? Everybody already knew that.

“So now that Numbuh 1 is gone and I’m in charge the position for second in command has just opened up.” Abby looked at him waiting for questions he didn’t really have.

Wally continued eating.

“So… Bradley’s second in command now?”

“No,you fool!“ Number 5 decided she needed to take the direct approach. “It’s you, genius. In two weeks you’ll be the official second in command of Sector V.”

Number 4 choked on a candy-coated pretzel and Number 5 had to hit him a couple of times on the back. When he could talk again, he wasn’t too excited about the new position.

“But Number 5, I can’t be second in command! You know me. I.. I ... I’m too stupid!” He blurted out without thinking about it.

Number 5’s expression softened. “You’re not stupid,Number 4. You’re just... more street smart than book smart and that’s all.”

Number 4 looked up at her. He tried to tell if she was lying or not , but how could he be sure? He knew he wasn’t the sharpest tool in the shed. Not at school, not at home and not even in his sector, but he never needed to be. Wally Beatles was good at fighting. He was brave and tough and the strongest kid in the treehouse. That was his job and he was good at it. He wasn’t so sure he could do something so much bigger. Not when he felt so small on the bar stool with his feet not touching the floor.

“You remember the clam cannon, right?“ he said, slamming his hands on the counter. “That was a cruddy disaster. And remember when Numbuh 1 went feral? Didn’t Number 86 make Number 3 leader when you didn’t wanna do it?“

A wry smile appeared on Number 5’s face. “Man, for someone who thinks he’s stupid, you got a good memory.” She polished off her root beer and sat back with her feet up. “Look, Number 4, I didn’t want this job either, you know that? Heck, when I was eight, after that mission where Number 1 lost his hair, I sure didn’t want that second-in-command job.”

Number 4 went silent at that last bit. It was a rule not to talk about THAT mission.(Number 1 used to have such great hair and he was never really the same after what happened.)

Number 4 felt even smaller as Number 5 went on.
“Do you know why I took that job after all? And do you know why I accepted the role of sector leader after Number 1 asked me to?”

Number 4 tried not to look scared. He didn’t get scared. No way. Never. Not him.

“Because we’re the Kids Next Door, Number 4. We save kids. It’s our job. And when the job needs you to do something, you gotta do it.“

Number 4 took the job after that talk. After that he tried to be more like Number 5, even when he wasn’t officially second in command yet. He did little things and tried to be less selfish. He didn’t even complain when they were vegging out on the sofa and Number 3 changed the channel to a Rainbow Monkey soap opera. None of it made him feel any bigger and neither did the fight.

Everyone had their own ways of coping with Number 1’s absence . Sometimes Number 3 would cry, not very often but loud and openly when she did. Number 4 would spend as long as he needed in his room punching the tar out of his punching bag. Number 2 would take one of the ships in the hanger and come back a few hours later;no one could see his eyes under his goggles, but you could always hear the sniffling. As for Number 5, she had many ways of coping(most of which she knew were unhealthy or even dangerous). But right now Number 4 had a feeling that the new Sector leader was rubbing a patch of bark at the bottom of Sector V’s treehouse.

Once, in an event that somehow seemed a lifetime ago to Numbuh 5, the Delightful Children had attacked and completely destroyed the treehouse. Not only that, but they were able to get ahold of Number 1 and use an age changing ray to make him an old man.Things eventually got fixed after they were able to steal the ray and Number 1 returned to them. And they rebuilt the Treehouse, bigger and badder than ever before! That whole month of rebuilding the treehouse was one of the most fun times Sector V had ever had.

The only scar left from that encounter with the Delightful Dorks was a slight discoloration from where the new bark didn’t quite match the old.(There used to be a huge band-aid and a few decorations, but some of the hamsters nibbled it off and the big pink bow had been thrown off by Number 4 at the first opportunity.) Now all that was left was a slight change in tone on the patch of tree bark.

Number 5 now looked at the change and a swell of memories came back; the time when her and Number 1 had been rookies and Number 1 promised his undying loyalty to her for changing his grade for the Kids Next Door entrance exam; her sister Cree(who was still Number 11 back then) showing her around the treehouse;the night where every single villain within a 100 mile radius tried to attack the Treehouse in the middle of the night(All while Number 1 was asleep!)

Those were simpler times .Sure, they were times when there were problems, but it wasn’t Number 5’s job to figure out how to deal with them. Being second in command was a whole different world from being in charge. Number 5 had a brief experience as the head honcho once upon a time, and she never wanted to be there again. But here she was!

Abby thought about how that woman had to save them from those Delightful Creeps. The more she thought about it the more she couldn’t stand herself.

As a Kids Next Door operative, having to have an adult save you was humiliating. It was like having your mom pull apart a little kid fight.

A voice that started as a whisper in the back of her mind a couple of blocks from their beating a couple of hours ago now became a shouting accusation.

If Cree was sector leader like back in the old days, then they wouldn’t have needed saving back there! If Nigel was here, he would have chased those Delightful Dorks back to their mansion hurling mud at their new white outfits all along the way!

She began to cry silently.
“Number 1, why’d you have to leave?“

Then a voice from behind her made her turn around.

“Number 5?”

Abby looked back over her shoulder to see Number 4 a couple of paces up the stairs.

“Yeah? What is it?” She said though a crackling voice and sniffles.

“Uh, Number 65.3 just called. He says you gotta come up and listen to a super secret report.“

Number 5 wiped her eyes and nodded.

“Hey…Number 5? Are you crying?”

Abby almost wanted to throw him off the tree.

“I’m not crying, fool ! I just have something stuck in my eye is all.“

Number 4(who had used that exact same excuse at least a gazillon times) just nodded in pretend acceptance. Number 5 brushed past him but hesitated when they were only a few steps apart.

“Hey, Number 4… how did I do today? Did I handle everything okay? I mean, the whole thing with the Delightful Children…”

Number 4 said nothing for a few seconds but then moved a step closer.

“We’re all off our game, Number 5. It hasn’t been easy on any of us. Number 1’s up in Canada and we’re all down here ...“

Number 4 trailed off and stared at the horizon.
Number 5 just sighed and started to walk away before Numbuh 4’s next words made her stop for a minute.

“Y’know, since this afternoon I’ve been thinking a lot about that week too. Now I ain’t the best at remembering stuff, but it seems to me that you were the one who led that mission to get that cruddy baby’s cigar away from those Delightful Doofuses.“

A smile came to Abby’s face.
“Thanks, Number 4.”

Number 4 waited until the leader was gone and then kicked the wall as hard as he could. Sector V got a super secret message from Moon Base and it was Number 65.3 on the line.

Usually Sector Leaders had to be present for anything this classified or important to be read. It was a dumb rule and almost everybody hated it. Sooner or later everyone was going to be privy to the order anyway, so why bother?

It didn’t happen often, but sometimes when it did Number 5 could get the message out and save everybody a trip to the communications room. Number 4 had tried in vain to work the same magic, but he couldn’t get a single word of it.

“Come on, I’m second in command here! Just tell me and I’ll go tell Number 5. We’ve all had a long day.“

The operative on the screen sighed. “Regrettably, yes. Number 4, you are second in command of Sector V, but you are NOT sector leader.“

Number 4 stomped out of the room to go get Number 5. When he was just barely past the door, he heard something that made him clench his fists.

”Honestly though, the skunk would have been a better choice.“

Normally Number 4 would have gone back and threatened to beat up Number 65.3, but he was trying to work on his temper too. For now he would just have to settle for kicking the wall.

Chapter 3: Kuki

Chapter Text

“Rainbow Monkeys! Rainbow Monkeys! We Love You!“

Late at night the anthem that was synonymous with childhood itself blasted through the speakers of Sector V’s TV room before cutting to the annoying commercials that typically came after cartoon theme songs.

Number 3 sat on the floor with a bowl of popcorn waiting for the new episode of the “Late Love, Laugh and Share Rainbow Monkey show“. Truth be told, it probably should have been called the Very Early Love, Laugh and Share Rainbow Monkey Show. It was 12:38 A.M.

Usually Kuki Sanban did not stay up this late(she knew her stuffed friends needed their beauty sleep and they would have nightmares if she wasn’t in the room with them) but tonight she just had to see the new episode.

For about a week now, the Rainbow Monkey Channel had been advertising a super-special episode that would premiere after all the grown-ups had gone to bed and it was the job of all the kids outside of the Rainbow Jungle to watch.

Kuki sat in front of the TV holding her favorite Rainbow Monkey close. He was a standard rainbow monkey, orange in color and sooo cute! He was also the bravest, most toughest rainbow monkey in the whole wide world. As she sat there in the dark waiting for the show to start, she ate a mouthful of popcorn and had a little talk with her stuffed companion.

“I know, silly. It’s late and you want to get up early tomorrow and go wrestling with Sumo Smackdown Rainbow Monkey, but this show’s supposed to be really important,so just shush and I promise you can sleep in tomorrow and do whatever you want when you wake up.”

Number 3 ‘s favorite Rainbow Monkey looked back at her. Its stitched-on smile stared back blankly at her as the new episode’s title card appeared on screen.

“ Harvest and Hugs “

The title card read, and a beautiful instrumental reprise of the Rainbow Monkeys song began to play.

“This is going to be a good one!” Number 3 told the little orange monkey.

The episode started as Rainbow Monkey shows often did:with the Rainbow Monkeys frolicking about the Sunshine Cliffs. Things looked as cheerful as always until the episode took a tragic turn.

Kuki gasped as one of the rainbow monkeys fell from the cliff in a horrible accident. There was rainbow munchies cereal everywhere and the injured Rainbow Monkey cried in pain.

“It’s okay,“ Number 3 told her little orange friend, “Cuddle Butterfly is going to be okay. They’re going to get help.“

Number 3’s favorite Rainbow Monkey liked to act tough but deep down she knew he was a softie(Just like someone else she knew.) She didn’t want him to worry too much. After all, it would be okay.

Things, however, were not okay.

The hospital they took Cuddle Butterfly to was very low on everything. A Doctor Monkey with a clipboard came on the screen.

“Usually we can just give her a new tail or have a new bag of Rainbow Munchies pumped into her, but a lot of Rainbow Monkeys have been getting hurt because the weather’s been so nice and everyone’s been at Sunshine Cliffs.“

Cuddle Butterfly’s friends were in complete despair. Just when it looked like the Rainbow Monkeys (the RAINBOW MONKEYS!) were about to start discussing death, another Doctor Rainbow Monkey rushed into the room. He explained that there were two very special Rainbow Monkeys who could help save their friend.

“Those must be the two new characters they kept talking about.“

Number 3 hugged her orange friend in anticipation.
“I can’t wait to buy the dolls!”

The two new rainbow monkeys were finally on screen. One was lime-mint green and had a completely yellow rainbow shape on top of her head. She said hello to everyone and Kuki realized she sounded a lot like that woman who saved them from the Delightful Children. The other Rainbow Monkey was pitch black and was outlined in red with bright-looking yellow eyes.

Number 3 believed that all Rainbow Monkeys were lovable. As long as they had the trademark stamp of approval from the Rainbow Monkey Corporation, they were alright by her. She had even loved a Rainbow Monkey who didn’t have any fur once. But this one DEFINITELY needed a lot of hugs and tea parties. Those yellow eyes looked mean and he had an unpleasantly familiar feeling to him. He didn’t even have a mouth, which made him even more unsettling. After all, without a mouth he couldn’t smile.

The new Rainbow Monkeys introduced themselves to Cuddle Butterfly’s friends. The mint green one was named Hüdin and the scary looking black one was Vater. They explained that they had invented a new way to save their friend’s life.

“It’s really genius.“ Vater bragged.

“The newest peak in medical technology!“ explained Hüdin in a voice dripping with pride. They stepped out of the way as the double doors of the Rainbow Monkey hospital swung open.

Throughout the entire history of the Rainbow Monkeys, there had been some scenes, episodes and specials that had made Number 3 very upset or frightened. But this one took the cake.

A gurney rolled into the ward and on it a Rainbow Monkey thrashed in a desperate attempt to escape. The new character was a red patchwork monkey, but the reds were all different shades. Kuki couldn’t see what color the new Rainbow Monkey’s eyes were because he was wearing sunglasses.

“Wait a minute.” Kuki squinted at the TV. “Haven’t I seen those sunglasses before?” Her little stuffed friend didn’t answer her.

Vater reached out a mean little paw to try and snatch the glasses, but he was stopped by Hüdin, who gently removed them from the Rainbow Monkey’s face.

Number 3’s eyes went wide as Hüdin moved even closer to the red patchwork monkey.

“This is Nigel Comprix. Unfortunately, he’s not a very good Rainbow Monkey—“

”Yeah, he’s absolutely the most worthless Rainbow Monkey ever!” Vater butted in with a familiar rage that Number 3 could have sworn she heard before. She made a mental note to check online to see who his voice actor was. He sounded really scary.

Numbuh 3 clutched her little orange favorite close as Vater ranted on and on about how bad poor Nigel Comprix was. She wondered what the poor Rainbow Monkey had done to make Vater so angry. Maybe it was just a misunderstanding.

Hüdin put a comforting paw on Vater and said “Our poor friend Nigel is not worthless. In fact, he can be very helpful thanks to the new procedure we’ve invented. It’s called harvesting. In a couple of minutes these nice nurse Rainbow Monkeys are going to take our friend away and get him ready for a little procedure, but this little procedure is going to help a lot of Rainbow Monkeys.“

Hüdin gestured around the room where at least 16 Rainbow Monkeys lay in their beds. Vater just stood in the background with his yellow eyes smoldering and let Hüdin do all the talking.

The next couple of minutes were spent reassuring Nigel Comprix that everything was going to be alright and he was going to help a lot of Rainbow Monkeys. Then he was taken away. Confused and worried, Number 3 watched very carefully for the third new character to reappear. The next scene had all the Rainbow Monkeys who had been in the hospital happily singing and dancing outside. Suddenly Number 3 noticed that all of them had red patches that looked just like… just like…

Wait a minute.

She gasped, and then the credits rolled.

It was the absolute worst Rainbow Monkeys thing Kuki had ever seen. And she went to that awful potty training theme park just a couple of weeks ago.

They tore up a Rainbow Monkey for his parts! And everyone was just supposed to be happy about it?

She looked down at her little orange friend. What if he was the Rainbow Monkey tied down to that gurney? Just because a rainbow monkey was cranky or didn’t like to cuddle doesn’t mean you can take him apart.

Every fiber of Number 3 was disgusted. She was the team’s medic and the idea of harming a patient like that made her sick. She gave her bright orange Rainbow Monkey a kiss and said “Don’t worry, Wally (for that was the Rainbow Monkey’s name), It’s just a mean TV show and if it was real I’d never do it to you.”

That was Number 3’s consolation as she went to bed thinking of the angry letters she was going to send to Rainbow Monkey HQ. It wasn’t real, it was just pretend.

Chapter 4: Hoagie

Chapter Text

Chapter 4 : Hoagie

<Kids Next Door : T.U.B.A.D.U.B : Totally Ultimate Bathtub Aerially Defeats Ugly Baddie>

The Sky King, AKA Hoagie P. Gilligan, was aloft again tonight.

After their fiasco with the Delightful Children earlier that day, Number 5 had made it perfectly clear that the whole team needed to be back on track.

“Moping time’s over! Do whatever you want for the next two days, because on Monday we’re going to have some serious practice!“

The rest of the gang nodded and went to go back to their spots on the couch when Number 5 blocked their path.

“Nuh, uh. No moping! Do anything you want except lay on the dang couch and cry.“ Abby felt a little harsh for saying that because her Sector looked like a walking patchwork of bandages and bruises, but it had to be done. The team couldn’t afford to fall back into the funk.

So the Sky King flew once more. Number 2 was out for a nice relaxing high-velocity Friday night plane ride. He was in his favorite ride, the TUBADUB. It was the same model that he used to dogfight the Infamous Kid to a draw about a year back.

Numbuh 2 barrel rolled and did sharp climbs and descents, skimmed the nearby river and followed the steep rapids where he won his first tube race not that long ago.

He felt so alive tonight.

The air had a nice cool crisp to it, and the sky was clear and starry. The last time he flew was the trip back to the treehouse after watching the Galactic KND beam up Number 1. This was a much better flight.

Hoagie had been flying for about an hour and a half when he heard some explosions somewhere in the distance. He looked in the Tubadub’s rear view mirror and saw that they were coming from The Point. A chill went up Hoagie’s spine. The Point was a teen dance club and roller ring housed inside a cliff—and the location of one of Sector V‘s most disastrous missions ever.

Number 1 had gotten some VERY BAD intel that some very nefarious things were going on at The Point. They had staked out the place and plotted its destruction for weeks only to end up destroying an innocent recreation center.The Point ended up flooded with so much nacho cheese that the nearby river ran yellow for two weeks. It was a complete failure of Moonbase intelligence. To add insult to injury, the Teenagers ended up taking over Sector V’s treehouse for a a whole week and even decided to tie the poor operatives to a disco ball on the ceiling!

Later on, Number 5 did a quick search for The Point online and found their official website. They would’ve only needed to do a simple web search and it was literally the third result on Ping-With-A-B. After that Number 1 made sure to follow up on every piece of intelligence they got from Moonbase and after he checked he would run it by Number 5.

After The Point was rebuilt, Sector V all decided not to go within a 50 mile radius of the place even though somebody kept sending them tickets.(Number 3 thought it was nice. The rest of them agreed it was a sick, sick joke.)

But as Number 2 heard the rapid-fire explosions, he decided against his better judgement to check it out. It had been suspiciously quiet recently, after all—well, at least for the Kids Next Door if reports from on Moon Base and the news on KNN were to be believed. It wasn’t quite so quiet in the world of the teenagers. Hoagie turned the Tubadub around and headed towards The Point. The aircraft’s three big engines and wooden wings carried a bathtub hull and single pilot into a nightmare.

The Point was a bloody battleground. Out from the cave came a wild stream of teenagers, all of them frantically pushing and shoving to get out. Why were they so desperate? Because the the newest threat fresh off the the news channels had just rolled their way into The Point’s roller ring and boogied their way onto the dance floor with thunderous applause.

The police were called on scene in a matter of minutes, but these weren’t your typical police officers. They were the newly established local braches of the newly established Juvenile Authority. The Juvie Cops(as the kids called them)had only been on the beat for a little over two weeks, but they were already starting to get a bad reputation. They were posted at every middle and high school and every chance they got they would push some hormonal teenager’s buttons.

Some of the teenagers who came to The Point that night just happened to be Teen Ninjas and let’s just say that emotionally volatile teenagers with Battle Ready Armor on who were understandably stressed out after seeing some of their friends get blown up did not make for very cooperative witnesses.

What started out as a clapper attack now spiraled into a full-pitched battle between the Juvie Cops, who were trying to control the situation and “sort everything out”, and the Teen Ninjas, who were already sick of the abuse.

The battle was pretty one sided at first. When the Juvies picked the wrong teenager, the Teen Ninjas were quick to switch on their Bras (Battle Ready Armor, mechanical bras which were worn under the user’s shirt and needed only a touch of the chest or the phrase “armor on“ to release a sleek set of black scaled armor with red Devil horns. This armor was equipped with wrist-mounted laser cannons and most of the Teen Ninjas were equipped with this and skilled with hand-to-hand combat and yes, both male and female Teen Ninjas wore them.) Now the aforementioned Juvie cops were up the creek without a paddle.

The Juvies seemed to pick the wrong teen about thirty times because thirty Teen Ninjas were now flying around firing shot after shot. The Teen Ninjas were used to fighting Kids Next Door who would duck and dive and parry, but these new enemies were not so nimble or quick-witted. When there were almost no Juvie Cops left, one of the last stragglers called for backup and the Juvenile Authority sent helicopters loaded with Juvie Cops. The Teen Ninjas responded by mountings their own solo fighters that doubled as cars or motorbikes. Number 2 found himself in the middle of a full-fledged air battle as the dozens of Teen Ninjas left tried to blow the increasing amount of helicopters out of the sky. His first thought was to climb and fly over this battle. It was none of his concern.

The Teen Ninjas were a huge pain in the behind. So what if they got thrown in jail? Good riddance. And those Juvie Cops were no rainbow monkeys either, to teenagers or kids. No way was he flying through all this! Who would get mixed up in this whole mess on purpose?

He was reaching to pull his throttle back when a familiar plane built out of an old racecar appeared in his rear view mirror and an all-too-familiar voice came over the radio.

“Well, well, well. If it isn’t Sky King Hoagie! What’re you doing up here tonight?”

Number 2 knew that voice. That same familiar smooth voice that sounded like it should have been singing a Spanish love ballad on the radio.

”Kid? What in the name of chili dogs are you doing up here?” Number Two suddenly noticed that two Teenage fighters flanked him on either side. “You’re flying for the Teen Ninjas?!”

Hoagie dodged the spray of familiar pool balls and watched them slam into a Juvie helicopter’s windshield. The radio started to buzz again with a response.

“Plane for hire. They’re paying me to train these guys to stay alive and lead a couple of squadrons.“ The Kid said dismissively while he unloaded another round of pool balls at a helicopter. “Besides, we have an understanding.I fly against adults only.“

The Kid adjusted his sunglasses and swooped to dodge a missile that exploded right where his plane had been only a few seconds earlier. Most pilots would have been rattled, but he didn’t even flinch.

Hoagie started to turn around, but the racecar plane inched closer until they were flying side by side.

“I understand if you don’t want any part of this. This isn’t your fight. And I don’t know what your Kids Next Door says about flying with teenagers ,but personally , I think it’s a lot safer staying in this fight and not letting anyone get behind you.“

Number 2 weighed his options and decided the Kid was right.
“Where do you want me?” He called over radio.

”Stay on my left, you’ll be my wingman.”

In the most extraordinary of circ*mstances, Hoagie P. Gilligan ,who was arguably the greatest pilot the Kids Next Door had or would ever have, flew wingman to the infamous Kid in a squadron of Teen Ninjas against the Juvie Cops.

“On your tail, Ace!” cried Hoagie as a missile from one of the gunships came screaming for the Kid. The Kid turned on his “flight buffer magnetizer”, the same reflector shield that drove Hoagie crazy for weeks during their feud. Number 2 chuckled at that memory, but the smile faded as he peered over the side of the Tubadub to see smoke and fire rising below.

“Hey Kid! What the heck even happened here anyway?”

The Kid, who was just taking a call from a Teen Ninja, frowned and yelled over the wind. “Clappers!”

Numbuh 2 wasn’t sure he heard that right. “Clappers?”

“Yeah, clappers. Now listen up, we got orders!” The Kid sounded just as confident as ever. “Squadron will hold position until shuttles arrive, we’re evacuating The Point.”

The Juvies and The Kid’s Squadron went at each other with equal brutality, each group trying not just to destroy the other’s aircraft, but to kill the pilots as well. Hoagie tried to keep clean, but in the thick of that whirlwind of blood nobody could be coolheaded for very long. Not when the enemy was chasing your tail to send you down in a fiery ruin.

The Kid was the only one in the sky to keep his cool, and although he probably did the most damage by far out of the entire squadron, he didn’t become bloodthirsty. This was not what he came to the skies for, but he didn’t chastise the others for their blood lust. These were juvies. If they wanted to play dirty with squadron, then fine. Two could play at that game.

At long last, the Teen Ninjas came to pick up the rest of their comrades. At this point there were about three or four hundred Juvie Cops swarming what used to be The Point. The Kid told his squadron to scatter and soon it was only The Kid and Hoagie circling the wreckage together.

“See ya around, Sky King!“ the Kid called over the radio.

”See you, Kid!” Hoagie echoed into his microphone. The two fly boys departed, each one saluting and each glad for the encounter, if not for the smoke filling the sky and the metallic smell of blood in the air. Numbuh 2 turned towards the open sky and didn’t look back.

Just outside The Point’s ruined roller rink, which was blasted to pieces and full of crushed remains burned far past the point of recognition, two figures stepped out of a jet-black limo. One was a severe looking blonde woman who’s high heels and dress seemed wildly out of place on the scorched concrete. The other appeared as a tall and slender black silhouette outlined in red with eyes like burning sulfur. He had a pipe in his mouth and puffed out smoke as he surveyed the room. “Think this will work?”

The blonde woman smiled her perfect smile. “Oh yes, it’s a very scenic location for a Harvest Clinic and the landscape is perfect.”

A harsh but oddly wet crunch came from underneath the man’s leather shoe. He picked his foot up and saw a burned roller skate warped and soaking in a red puddle that was starting to turn brown. Any person with a heart would only hope the mangled skate didn’t have…anything still left inside.

He kicked it to the side carelessly. “Yes, I suppose you’re right. It is very scenic.“

The man with the pipe let out a laugh a great and terrible laugh and the woman let him, even though she was disgusted by it. Let him laugh.

She had exactly what she wanted.

Chapter 5: Nigel

Chapter Text

Chapter 5 : Nigel

Connor Lassiter gazed over the bow of his yacht and inhaled a good breath of the salty Mediterranean air. He was safe, he was whole, he had the girl of his dreams aboard still asleep in the Captain’s stateroom which they enjoyed very much. All was right with the world, or at least it should have been.

Connor’s scarred fingers gripped the bow’s guard rail as the message he received from the Admiral last night replayed over and over again in his mind.

“Bad things are about to happen, very bad things. Proactive Citizenry is planing something big. They may look dead but don’t be fooled, they still have money that isn’t being used to fight all the lawsuits and they are planing something big—A Hail Mary, if you will.“

Connor had figured as much. Roberta Griswold had been broken out of prison, which couldn’t mean anything good.

Risa didn’t know and he wasn’t going to tell her until it was absolutely necessary. They were both enjoying a bit of a vacation and he didn’t want her to worry too much.

Every morning Connor would awaken to Risa playing piano and the smell of his mother making breakfast in the galley and the grunts of his Father struggling with a crossword. Even though Connor was happy to have them on board, part of him always wanted to throw something at them. They did sign the Unwind order, after all. These feelings had diminished a bit but they were still there.

After looking at his parents and deciding for another day they would be allowed to be in his presence on the boat instead of being pushed into the sea below, he would get up, linger and listen to Risa play piano for a bit then the two of them would go to breakfast together and sit down to look over some files the newly reforming Anti-Divisional Resistance sent. He never wanted their time together to end.

“I’m sending you some directions now. I have a contact who’s going to help us with some intel.“
explained the Admiral over the phone.

“Who is it?” Connor asked.

There was complete silence for a full minute. Connor started to get impatient. “Sir?”

“You’ll know him when you see him.“

And so their little yacht(Risa wanted to call it the “Wholly Dream“ while Connor voted for the more cynical name of the “Wholly Exile“)sailed off to the location they’d been given to find the Admiral’s mysterious contact.

Connor took out a pair of binoculars and scanned the sky. “We’re probably looking for an airship, like The Lady Lucretia.”

Risa shuddered. Connor had been unfortunate enough to be unwound, but it seemed that Risa had been the one most shaken by those horrible couple of weeks. Connor still had nightmares about being trapped back on the airship, but Risa had apparently taken it much harder (although he could still remember the odd tingling sensations as U.N.I.S did its wretched work and still felt Starkey’s pulse fizzle out under HIS grip…)

“Up ahead!” Risa shouted. “I see something!”

Startled from his musings, Connor looked ahead and saw him. Appearing to stand in the middle of the ocean was a single figure; a little boy with abald head, a red sweatshirt and weird looking yellow sunglasses.

ERR?R
??TRANSMISSI?N//HIJACKED??

Chapter 6: Father

Chapter Text

2 WEEKS EARLIER....

“Oh Ben, it was so wonderful of you to let us stay the weekend at your wonderful house!” Jennifer Uno(Benedict’s sister in law)said cheerfully.

“My pleasure, Jenny.” Benedict said tiredly. Benedict Uno, otherwise known as Father, the most infamous and feared kid-hating supervillain in the entire world, was going though a bit of a rough patch at the moment.

He had been suffering a string of defeats starting a couple of months ago when he tried to bring back the man known as Grandfather. (And he WAS the Grandfather of all evil). The most recent humiliation was the loss of his pipe, which was stolen from him by none other than his infuriating little nephew Nigel Uno. Where that boy was, he had no idea. He’d been trying to find out for weeks with no leads whatsoever. He should have known he would get nothing out of the the boy’s parents.

The decommissioned Number Zero(possibly one of the greatest Kids Next Door heroes to ever write in the Book)and his wife Number 999 (the first female member to join the Seventh Age of the KND) knew nothing. He should have suspected as much, especially since they were COMPLETELY unfazed when he intentionally had one of his infamous flare-ups.

He had almost enjoyed letting his anger overpower everything else. The heat had seared his footprints into the floorboards and sparks flew from his hair as the flames highlighted his silhouette in a blaze of heat that put his fiery rage on full display, and all his goody-two-shoes brother had to say was “I say, Ben old boy, it’s rather warm in here. Mind turning up the AC?”

They were decommissioned, alright, blank and boring as any adult with a snot-nosed 10-year-old had the right to be. Benedict was in a funk and having his brother and sister-in-law around was not helping anything. He was eager to see his houseguests leave.

“Give Nigel my love!“ Father forced out through gritted teeth. He was tempted to just kill his brother right here. Set him on fire, the tubby idiot would probably think it got too hot and not even notice as the fire seared his flesh and bones. That would bring Nigel Uno back! Send a message to those Kids Next Door saying that Number 1’s father was dead and if he didn’t come back the villain would do the same to his mother. The thought almost made Father happy, and he about had an unseen smile on his face until he heard Monty’s reply.

“I’m afraid Nigel’s a tad spaced out at the moment. He went on a weekend trip with his little friends, and they’re playing a game with their 2X4 doohickeys.“

Spaced out. The story had been consistent the entire weekend. Nigel was away for the summer, but too “spaced out“ to be bothered. He saw a mischievous glimmer in Monty’s eyes, the same glimmer he had when they had stumbled into that old tree and found the book of KND, the same glimmer his son had inherited. But it couldn’t be, all weekend long Monty had prattled on and on about fishing and sousaphone. No, the legendary Number Zero was decommissioned, he was sure of it, but what if he wasn’t?

Father began to light up one of his fists. I’ll throw a giant fireball at old Jenny, Monty! See how dumb you are when your wife is scalding hot! The evil thought was about to become an evil cackling quote when Jenny picked up a big glass jar containing, of all things, the Delightful Children’s toenail clippings.

“Oh Benny! This jar is perfect! Can I take it home?”

THAT WAS IT! His Delightful Children had not been showing him much respect as of late. Ever since Number 1 had disappeared they had become increasingly rebellious. He had tried to scare them, to make them fear him like they used to, but he was going soft and it showed. He had told them if they were going to collect their toenails like that, then they had to keep their jar in the bathroom. But it was in the living room OF ALL PLACES!!! He had had it!

He exploded in a burst of flames. He was done! Moments before burning everything and everyone in his path, his rage fizzled out. Oh, what was the point? The former brilliant and brave Kids Next Door operatives just stared at him dumbly as the flames went out. Smoke was still smoldering in Father’s hair as he slumped into his favorite arm chair and sighed.

“Sure, take the jar.“ Father was looking forward to when his guest were gone. Maybe he would change into his fuzzy yellow and pink robe and eat some rocky road ice cream.

“Thank you so very much Ben!” Jenny Uno picked up the disgusting jar and finally started to leave, but Monty stayed. What did he want?

“Say, Ben, have you gone to see Pappy lately?”

Father sighed. He had been asked this question at least a dozen times over the weekend. “No, Monty. I will though, I promise. Don’t see the point though, you were always his favorite.“

Monty responded with a tight brotherly hug. “Nonsense, Ben! There’s zero chance Pappy had a number one.”

Once Jenkins the butler closed the door, Jennifer Uno gave her husband’s ear a painful tug.
“Were you trying to get us killed? You saw how mad he was!”

Monty rubbed his ear. “Sorry, dear, but you wouldn’t let me bring over the tapioca pudding as a gag gift, so I just had to find some way to amuse myself.“ He gave his wife a sheepish smile.

Jenny sighed. She just couldn’t stay mad at her husband for very long. “Well at any rate, we got what came here for.”

“Yes we did, love.” Number Zero and his wife Number Triple—9 (who weren’t really decommissioned) took their suitcases and the big jar of toenail clippings and headed home. They had work to do.

Later that afternoon Benedict was indulging himself in a pint of Rocky Road, lounging around in his fuzzy bathrobe and reading his favorite piece of literature;“A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift. He wasn’t planning on ever standing up again. Maybe he could just sit here and live off rocky road.

Jenkins entered the living room. “Sir, a lady is here to see you. She says it’s of great importance—”
The butler cut himself off. His boss was surrounded by empty ice cream cartons and judging by the melted TV remote on the floor he was still in a very bad mood.

Father sighed. He was in no mood for company.

Jenkins cleared his throat. “She also had a gift for you and she says if you send her away then you won’t get the gift.”

Father set down the ice cream. “Fine, send her in.”

What did he have to lose? Besides, she was giving him free stuff. Who could pass that up?

The woman who entered had long blonde hair that was pulled back and wore very high heels and a string of polished pearls. She smiled politely to reveal a perfect set of teeth. This stranger was very pretty, in a motherly sort of way.

“Mr. Uno,” she said warmly, in a prim British accent that was almost Americanized ,” it’s a pleasure and an honor to meet you.“ She put down the small package that she was holding , a black gift wrapped with a red bow on a small end table.

“What do you want?“ Father said lamely. He was suddenly feeling very embarrassed about his bathrobe and slippers.

The woman smiled her perfect smile.

“Only three things. To make your acquaintance, to give you a gift and to make you an offer.“

Father still shoveled Rocky Road into his mouth. “Well, you made my acquaintance, now what do you want?”

As if talking to a child, the woman asked, “Well, aren’t you going to ask my name?” Her smile was starting to slip.

Father grumpily sighed again. “Fine. What’s your name and what do you want?”

“Well, my name is Roberta Griswold, thank you for asking.“ Roberta said brightly. “Now, aren’t you going to open your gift?“ Father sighed for what seemed like the buhmillionth time and took the package that seemed to be color coded especially for him.

Inside was a new pipe, identical to the one that was stolen.

“Our people tried to match it precisely... I do hope you like it.“

She had Father’s attention. “Your people? Really, who are you, lady?”

But Roberta simply put a well manicured-hand on his sticky chocolate-covered one and said “I am quite a fan of Swift and his Modest Proposal, although I think the essay being seen as satire is a little antiquated, don’t you think?”

“I couldn’t agree more.“ Father said popping in the new pipe. His guest smiled at him.

“I especially like to hear it read aloud, in a very masculine baritone voice… perhaps you could assist?” Roberta moved Father’s robe away from his chest and placed a manicured hand on Father’s coal black chest.

4 HOURS LATER

The Delightful Children were finally getting back to the mansion. It was late and the setting sun told them it was two hours past curfew, but at this point the Delightful Children didn’t care. Ever since the fiasco at the “Rainbow Monkey Let's Learn About the Lavatory Fun Park" they saw Father as a failure. How many times did he fail to turn the Kids Next Door into the Kids Next Done For? They were through taking orders from him, especially after being flushed down a giant toilet. Ever since they had gotten home they had done as they pleased and Father had only made a token effort to impose authority. They didn’t even put their jar of toenails back in the bathroom on Friday morning before they went off for a weekend at the beach. When they walked into the Mansion they were surprised to not find Father at his usual spot in the living room stuffing his face full of ice cream. Instead Jenkins was quietly sitting in Father’s armchair reading a detective story.

“Where is Father?” The Delightful Children asked in unison. It was never a good sign when his routine suddenly changed.

“Wouldn’t be surprised if he was making more of you.” Jenkins gave a little laugh but then said “He’s with a lady friend, and he wants you all to wash and prepare for supper.”

“Father? A lady friend?” The Delightful Children gasped in unison. This day was certainly turning out to be a very unusual one. Exchanging looks, they went upstairs to take a bath and get ready for supper. Father never tolerated anyone being late to a meal.

Supper was lamb with mint jelly and roasted potatoes. Father and his ‘lady friend‘ were late. About ten minutes after the Delightful Children had sat down they heard laughter as Father and his mysterious friend came down the stairs.

“Well?” The Delightful Children said impatiently as Father pulled out a chair for Roberta.

“Well, what ?” Father said innocently. They noticed that he had a pipe in his mouth and they all wondered where he got it from. “Father! You are ten minutes late for supper, if you think that you can—”

“SILENCE!!!” Father shouted at the Delightful Children, and they knew at that moment their old Father was back. Lenny protectively put an arm around Constance, who was trembling like a dry leaf. The man kept roaring at them in his familiar voice, which was just as full of rage and hatred as ever.

“You children have been acting like brats for TOO LONG!”

Roberta put a hand on Father’s shoulder. He cooled off instantly and said “…It doesn’t matter though, my Delightful Children, because we have returned and it’s all thanks to this lovely woman.“

Roberta smiled at the Delightful Children. “Welcome home, Bruce, Lenny, David, Ashley and Constance. It’s a pleasure to meet you. I’m looking forward to getting to know all about you and in time I hope you will all call me ... Mother.“

“Mother?” The Delightful Children gasped in unison.

They were beyond weirded out. The Delightful Children knew evil, and as polite and welcoming as this woman was, she was evil. Something felt very, very wrong.

“Now then,” Father said, cutting a bloody piece of lamb and roasting it to well-done with his fire powers, “Miss Roberta was just telling me about this wonderful thing they have in her world called... unwinding.”

Chapter 7: Abby

Chapter Text

The Candy Bar was one of Abby’s many unhealthy ways of coping, not so much for the gallons of sugar she guzzled down in competition with sugar-crazed candy pirates(there were not too many people if any who could out-sugar Abigail Lincoln) but the Candy Pirates themselves. Abigail Lincoln was still Number 5 of the Kids Next Door, and every night she stepped into that tavern she risked getting stabbed, slashed, kidnapped, poisoned or a number of other horrible things. But she didn’t care. In her mind, it was worth it and the danger only intensified the rush. Sugar was in her blood and soul. She craved it almost as much as she craved the adventure and danger it took to get the rarest and most valuable of sweets.

Right now she was competing for some sort of confectionery treasure. In her sugar-buzzed state she didn’t even remember what it was. All she cared about was the thrill of the chase.

“C-come on girl-ly! Can’t hoooo-ld your sugar?”

Number 5 was holding just fine. Her opponent, on the other hand, had the sugar rush so bad that his eyes were practically popping out of his sockets. The pirate was but a lad, maybe 14 at the most, and just after he said that he collapsed from all the sugar, leaving him jittering in spasms on the floor. The onlookers let out a chorus of cheers as Number 5 polished off her opponent’s tankard of sugar.

“Here you go lass!” The Bookie Pirate said handing her back her wager(two beautifully forged peppermint swords)as well as her prize, five high quality bricks of chocolate that were wrapped in gold.

Number 5 went over to her opponent and helped him onto his feet. She sat him back in his chair and waited for his jitters to calm down.

“Man, you really held your own. Most veteran pirates who go against Number 5 go down after two tankards, but you went for six! What’s your name?”

The young pirate, who had come down from his sugar high enough to reply, said, “Benjamin Humbugs.“ His voice cracked a little, but Abby couldn’t tell if it was from the intense competition or just his age.

“Well Benny,“ Number 5 said, smiling, “ I think you’ve earned at least a bit of a consolation prize.“ She slid over one of the peppermint swords she brought, as well as sending back over three of the five chocolate bricks. The boy’s eyes widened.

“See here lass,“ young Benjamin Humbugs stammered, obviously embarrassed at being given most of his wager plus a brand new peppermint sword, “I lost fair and square and ...”

But Number 5 held up her five fingers. “You did lose. Number 5’s just sharing her candy.”

The entire Candy Bar erupted in cheers at Number 5’s generousity, and her vanquished opponent must have been satisfied easily because his belt quickly became a sheath as he thrust his new weapon into it.

Such is the way of Candy Pirates, Abby mused as she nursed a co*ke at the bar;greed before honor. If the TND didn’t work out then this would be a good life.

She had been doing some serious thinking on the TND recently. She was 11 now but in two year’s time she would be a teenager. If the Kids Next Door didn’t want her whole sector, then she wasn’t interested.

That thought had been in the back of her mind ever since Number 1 had left. It was a selfish thought. A treasonous thought. But it refused to go away and soon what became a thought that she was always trying to brush away became a secret fantasy.

Candy Pirates stole candy from kids. They were sworn enemies of the Kids Next Door…but they also stole candy from adults.The truth was, Candy Pirates held loyalty to their mates and sugar. She figured that Sector V would make pretty good officers for a pirate crew. It would take some convincing but she figured she could butter them up to the idea. Isn’t that what she’d been doing here at the Candy Bar recently, recruiting? Benjamin Humbugs as well as a slew of other Candy Pirates would surely sign ships articles with her and be her crew. After all, Benjamin was not the first she had shown mercy and given a gift to, and after every time she told herself that she was just trying to make some more connections in case the Kids Next Door ever needed to venture into the underworld again, but a part of her knew that she had all of those they would ever need.

(Even with her guilty ideas of piracy, the Candy Bar was at least more innocent than some of the other ways she had been coping with Number 1’s absence...)

Would she turn Candy Pirate? From time to time the answer was dangerously close to being yes. Sometimes she thought that the snot-nosed brats who enforced decommissioning were some of the worst candy pirates on the face of the earth. For how could their be anything sweeter than one’s memories? (Snot-nosed brats? Oh Zero, PLEASE don’t ever let her turn out like Cree did.)

As Number 5 was thinking about which type of pirate ship would be best suited to her schemes, she heard a voice. It was a voice that was firm and confident on the bridge, a voice of authority, but when it spoke to Number 5 there was an all-too-familiar note of exhaustion and doubt.

“Number 5?” It was Rachel McKenzie, but she was known to kids everywhere as the Supreme Commander of the Kids Next Door.

Number 5 slid off her bar stool, stood at attention and saluted. Number 5 was embarrassed, both for her piratical fantasies and the fact that she was in a known Adult Super Villain hangout.

“Gathering intelligence?” 362 asked her with a soft smile. The dedicated leader was not here on a covert mission and by the looks of things was not expecting anyone else to be here. Number 5 smiled sheepishly. “Yeah... Right, gathering intelligence.“

The two girls sat down and got to talking. Rachel ordered a root beer, a strong, sweet pirate brew, and Abby ordered another co*ke. For a kid in a supervillain’s tavern, the blond girl seemed oddly at ease.

“So are you guys doing okay without Nigel—I mean Number 1?”
Rachel went bright red at her slip-up. It wasn’t a very well-kept secret that she and Number 1 kinda had a thing—not a relationship, but definitely a mutual crush. Abby’s whole sector knew and they definitely would have preferred her than Lizzie.

Abby gave her a sly smile, “Yeah, we’re doing okay, and how ‘bout you?”

Rachel took a sip of her root beer.“Fine, I’m fine.” She was never one to talk about herself very much, unlike her little brother.

Abby was about to say something else when Rachel suddenly blurted out,”I feel really bad about Number 1. I felt like his last month on Earth I sort of blew him off…you know... first he was arrested when those teenagers were pretending to make a peace treaty with us and then there was the whole thing about me taking you guys off the Cake hunt and well... It wasn’t my fault.”

Rachel began to talk rather fast, just like she always did this when she was nervous.

“The day of the cake hunt I got this weird message saying that I needed to take you guys off the chase and assign someone else. I kept trying to tell them that Sector V was the best for the job, but then they started sending me this weird alien message and...”

Abby patted her superior on the back and told her to take a deep breath. Slowly but surely, Rachel started to relax. She drank another mouthful of root beer and stared down at the floor.

Number 5 gently put a hand on Number 362’s shoulder.

“They had their eyes on him for a while, didn’t they?”

Number 362 responded with a soft nod.

It was then that Abby noticed that Number 362 wasn’t wearing her typical baggy orange and teal sweaters. She was wearing white robes, suspiciously identical to the ones the Delightful Children were all wearing earlier today. Somehow it seemed wrong to Abby, like seeing your teacher at the store. The slightly older girl seemed to notice that Abby was staring at her new outfit. All she could do in response was give her an odd(guilty?)smile.

“Religious thing?” Abby asked.

Number 362 sighed with relief. “Yeah, you could say that. How’d ya know?”

Numbuh 5 polished off the rest of her drink. “Saw some other kids wearing the same thing today. The Delightful Children, actually.”

Number 362’s eyes raised slightly, and Number 5 found herself getting curious. “What does it mean?”

Rachel went quiet and looked down thoughtfully down at her white robes. Her fingers were rubbing gently back and forth across the small white scar on her arm from an old fight a long time ago, back when she was still a cadet. Abby was starting to wonder if she’d said something wrong when Rachel finally responded in a voice that was confident but still soft. That tone of voice brought back so many memories of days spent on the Moonbase.

“Some Kids Next Door operatives choose candy piracy as their next career move and some choose other things. I’m going to keep helping other kids even when I’m… not exactly Number 362 anymore.”

Number 5 swore she felt her heart skip a beat.

Did Rachel know what she was thinking? Could she read her mind? Number 5 was about to open her mouth to deny any thoughts of piracy when the click of expensive high heels echoed across the wooden floor behind the girls. Before Abby had time to turn around, she heard the same clipped accent from earlier that day.

“Rachel, what are you doing in a place like this? We’re going to be late! Your confirmation is in half an hour and we need to leave immediately.“

Rachel took one last sip of her root beer and awkwardly climbed off her bar stool. “I’m sorry Miss Griswold, I just needed a little time to myself. Number 5, this is Miss Griswold. She’s actually going to be helping us out with… a couple of things.”

“We’ve met before,“ Number 5 said carefully, “she was with the Delightful Children.” Number 362 looked at Roberta, who just smiled and laid a hand on her white-robed shoulder.

“All will be explained in due time, but right now Rachel has a very special appointment.“

Rachel nodded silently and left her half-full drink on the counter.

Abby had a hunch that something strange was going on here, but she didn’t say anything. As Number 362 was about to leave she looked back over her shoulder.

“Oh yeah, did you hear about how Harvey took down Spankula?”

Of course she had heard. How could she not? It was plastered across the KNN reports. Harvey McKenzie, otherwise known as Number 363, had taken down Count Spankula.

Like a lot of other junior operatives who just happened to have older siblings in high places, Harvey had been practically set up for success on that mission. Being Number 362’s little brother, Harvey had a lot more control than most operatives thought he deserved. He was Sector W’s leader and Rachel did quite a lot to further his promotion. Number 5’s older sister Cree had done the same thing, so she wasn’t about to say anything. It wasn’t unheard of to set up a younger sibling for great things, but so far Abby and a lot of other Kids Next Door operatives were not impressed with the payoff. Still, she couldn’t really blame Rachel for being so excited for her brother, especially when it would take her mind off her “retirement”for a little bit.

“Yeah, tell him Number 5 sends her congratulations.“ Number 5 said, smiling as sincerely as possible. The lady who had been ushering Rachel out to the car just moments before suddenly paused and turned to look back.

“I think you mean, “Tell him that I send my congratulations”, which I’m sure she certainly will.“

That comment rubbed Abby the wrong way. Despite her lectures, this woman was not in such a hurry to get Rachel out that she would not correct someone on the proper way to speak.

“Great,“ Number 5 muttered, “another pain in the butt to deal with.”

Luckily, Ms. Griswold was already gone.

Chapter 8: Cree

Chapter Text

Cree moved slowly; deliberately, like a panther evading a poacher. She was in Father’s mansion. She was half expecting there to be a booby trap or an ambush, so all of her senses were sharp and on high alert. The Teen Ninjas had not been in Father’s good graces as of late. Ever since The Steve tried to double cross Father and then came crawling back to him, their loyalties had been in dispute. Father’s Butler Jenkins had personally contacted Cree while she was in 2nd period AP math and told her to come to the mansion right after school let out. She was already wondering if she had made the right choice.

Father always liked her. She was his “favorite teen ninja”, which was not an easily earned title. But he was Father and he could get very, very angry at the drop of a hat.

She activated her battle ready armor in preparation. It was rude not to be properly dressed when seeing Father.
(Besides, she might need the armor in case anything went the wrong direction.)

“He’s right in here,” Jenkins explained, leading her to Father’s throne room.

Father’s throne sat on a raised platform in a room with a thin causeway flanked on either side by razor-tipped spikes.

Cree dropped into a kneeling position at the base of the staircase leading up to Father, whose chair was turned away from her. Father was surrounded by fire—not in rage, but a warm, almost welcoming way.

“Rise, Cree.”

She rose and the chair turned around.

“The world is changing, Cree.”

“Yes, Father.“ Cree automatically replied. She had a reputation for being fearless, but now she was almost shaking.

She just remembered a certain party that had been thrown at the mansion a couple of months ago. The Delightful Children invited some middle and high school students over and they racked up a cleaning bill for $36,000. Did he remember that? She hoped not. Rumor had it by the end of the night the car was in the basem*nt and the piano was on the roof.
If he did find out, please let him not have seen her there.

Father’s flames started to glow more intensely. He spoke in a low, steady voice that barely drowned out the crackling from the flames.

“Those new-fangled Juvie Cops are really starting to bother our operations, don’t you agree? So far they have raided three of our bases, arrested twenty of our agents. I’ve even seen a couple of cars snooping around my house.”

“Our operations?” Cree said nervously. The Teen Ninjas were bankrolled and supplied by Evil Adult Industries, but for the most part they were independent contractors with their own agenda. If Father wanted something done, they would do the job. The same goes for Mr. Boss or even the Tolietnator(assuming the pay was enough to make up for the humiliation). If you had a job and good pay, the Teen Ninjas would do it.

“Yes. Our operations. I trust your guild would be interested in work?”

Father had not once raised his voice in this entire meeting. Part of her was glad, but part of her was terrified that he was bottling it all up. He was definitely angling for something, but what? She had to choose her words very carefully.

“Well, Father, you see, I’m not the one you need to be talking to, that would be The Steve and—”

“STEVEN!” Father cut her off without any warning. His powers ceased to be warm and inviting Fire place embers and turned into a blazing hellish inferno. He was thundering with rage and Cree had to take a step back to avoid being burned again. He finally cooled down to an angry growl.

“That boy has outgrown his britches. I think the Teen Ninjas are in need of a new leader, don’t you?“

Cree got the picture. “Thank you, Father. I’m honored.” she said kneeling on the floor again.

He motioned for her to rise again. “My people will back you when the time comes, but first there’s other business we have to …take care of.”

“The Juvies?” Cree said. They may be idiots, but she still didn’t like dealing with them. The few members of her squad who were arrested still hadn’t been heard from, and something wasn’t sitting right with her. She tried to ignore that feeling by reminding herself that they knew the risks of the job. Still… those Teen Ninjas should have escaped by now.

“Aren’t you the bright one?” Father said sarcastically. “Their whole organization rolled in about a month ago. Their funding is all coming from these goody-goodies called Proactive Citizenry. Their biggest supporter is some Senator, that goody-two-shoes Senator Safety. He has a townhouse in DC. Get in there and download all the files from his computer onto this.”

Father tossed her a flash drive and turned his chair around so he wasn’t looking at her anymore. “Do this and then we will begin to discuss the transition of power.“

“Thank you, Father.” Cree said, holding her new electronic key to power. Father’s blaze was now warm and steady again. Cree got up and edged towards the door.

“By the way…” Father said when she had her hand on the doorknob “I still haven’t forgotten about how you were smooching on your boyfriend, Maurice. Down in my Inner Sanctum.“ Cree was about to say something but, Jenkins was already beckoning Cree outside. She finally left with the flash drive in her armored pocket.

Roberta, who had been in the next room listening just out of sight, walked in smiled at Father and began rubbing his shoulders. “You’ve never taken me down to your inner sanctum before.” Roberta said coyly.

“All in good time.” Father chuckled, stretching out his lanky arms and feet. “All according to plan?”

“All according to plan.” Roberta smiled as she watched the new pawn walk away with the flashdrive in her pocket.

Cree walked home with her battle ready armor deactivated. She looked down at her communicationer watch and pressed a button. Time to make an important call.

“Hey Abby, you wanna go to Washington D.C. tomorrow night? Don’t worry, your Babies Next Door Friends aren’t involved.“

Abby hesitated. “We’ll see, sis, we’ll see.“ She kept her voice neutral and betrayed nothing. Maybe it was good her little friend Nigel Uno was gone, Cree thought. Without him around her baby sister was finally starting to see things her way.

Abby tried to keep it together. She did a very good job at the Treehouse, but at home she let her guard down. She had to, if she didn’t she would have cried in front of the guys ...

One day Cree caught her crying into her pillow. Number 5 thought she was finished, but instead of the usual ribbing Cree usually gave her or attacking her outright because Number 5 showed weakness (even at home Number 5 and her sister were sworn enemies)Cree crawled onto her bed, held her and let her cry.

Had Cree been manipulating her to get her to desert the Kids Next Door? Probably, but a small part of Abby, the part of herself that she was ashamed of, was fed up with the Kids Next Door and wanted an anchor outside of it. Cree had told her that she understood Abby’s pain, that she knew what it was like to be used and left behind by the Kids Next Door.

“One day you’re practically family and the next you’re the enemy, they use you for the best years of your childhood and those snot-nosed brats just throw you away when you turn 13, like a broken toy! And the worst part, they don’t even have the decency to let you keep your memories.“

In Cree, Abby found a kindred spirit for some of her more negative feelings towards the Kids Next Door. She found someone who she could always vent to about whatever was happening, and most importantly she rediscovered a beloved sister who she had lost contact with for so long, and despite being the most bitter of rivals, Abby had to admit she always missed Cree.

She’d been on a couple of missions with Cree and the Teen Ninjas for a while now (nothing major, and always against adults or other teenagers). When Abby first started to tag along, she made it very clear;”If your pimply teenage butts are doing anything against the Kids Next Door, I’m out.” She was expecting Cree to say something like, “No ones asking you to tag along, Crabigail!” or ” Are you STILL loyal to your stupid Babies Next Door after they shipped your bald friend way past Pluto?”

But to her surprise all Cree said was a very gentle “Okay, Abby.”

That was something made Abby uneasy. Ever since they reconnected, Cree had gone back to treating her like she was in kindergarten.

“Number 5 must be insane!“ Abby said quietly to herself. She was perched on the roof of some bigwig politician’s house in DC waiting for him to leave for dinner, her mission companions a team of Teen Ninjas. She had refused a BRA(she had been offered one on every single occasion that she did these things with Cree, and each time the whole group made the same offer and made her say “I refuse to wear a Bra”. Man, teenagers were even more immature than Number 2). Instead she wore her typical street clothes.

One of the Teen Ninjas had a bug in the apartment. A literal bug. A mechanical fly on the wall! And this little spy cam was listening for the exact opportunity to go in.

When at last they heard they heard a voice humming a sing-song melody exit the townhouse, the Teen Ninjas and their “guest” made their move.

Cree grinned like the Cheshire Cat.
“Abby, will you do the honors?”

With a dramatic heel kick, Number 5 shattered the skylight of the senator’s home and the team leapt down below.

“Tear the place apart!“ Cree ordered, and the three other Ninjas got to work knocking over bookcases and ripping apart law books, smashing the television and blasting holes in the furniture. While the rest of the team laid ruin to the inside of the townhouse, Number 5 discovered a picture on the mantle. It was a picture of a small older-looking man with dark brown hair, a mustache and thick glasses. It was probably the poor Senator whose home they were trashing, but it wasn’t the older man in the picture that interested her.

It was the giant robot and the two kids and a baby who were in the picture.

Number 5 found Cree in an office doing something to the computer.

“Hey Cree, found your boyfriend!” She teasingly holding up the picture.

“Very funny.“ Cree said. She didn’t even bother to look up.

Number 5 turned the picture over in her hands. “Um…who exactly is this guy, anyway?” She was starting to get the feeling that whatever they came here to do was much, much worse than trashing the house.

Cree clicked the mouse and put something small in her pocket. “ Senator Kelly Safety. You know? The guy who got the Fizz Eighteen bill though congress, and he’s the same guy who’s trying to get the Random Clapper Testing bill passed.“ Number 5 took another look at the picture. This whole thing was starting to make less and less sense by the minute. She suddenly realized she’d rather be anywhere else in the world except for this house.

She heard a few more clicks. “Okay, we got what we came for.“

Cree got up and gave the computer a hard roundhouse kick in the monitor, shattering it an sending a spray of broken glass and plastic across the soft carpet. “Let’s go. Put whatever you found back where you got it and make sure you wipe off your fingerprints.“

Number 5 trailed after Cree. When they ran down the hall towards the living room, Abby put the picture back. Something still wasn’t right here.

“Cree. Look at this picture. Are you sure you got the right house?”

Cree took a look at the picture and saw Wallabee Beatles, his baby brother Joey and Hoagie P. Gilligan posing with the Senator in front of the Capitol building. A giant robot was scattered in pieces on the Capitol steps. Cree hesitated, which was rare.

“Is that Hoagie?” Cree sounded surprised.

“Girl I told you, that was your boyfriend! Were you even looking?” Number 5 said, not even trying to hide the laugh as she remembered the time Number 2 turned himself into a teenager on accident and scored himself a date and kiss with Cree(who did not think it was as funny as Sector V did).

Cree curled her hand into a fist and was about to hit Abby. The younger girl was already in a defensive position, but Cree stopped herself at the last minute,took a deep breath and said “Very funny, Abigail, but if you don’t mind we have to get going before the alarms turn back on.“

Making a mental note to investigate this later, Numbuh 5 slipped out of the house without leaving any sign that she had been there with the demolition team—except, of course, the fact that a little framed photo was now moved just a few inches over.

The team used their rocket boots to jet out and split up. They were flying back to their base. Not wanting to involve herself any more with whatever they just did, Abby rode shotgun with Cree. “I just don’t get it…Number 2 and Number 4 said that Safely likes kids. Why is he going around restricting soda and making life harder for you guys?”

Cree hit the gas a little too aggressively. “He likes kids, Abby. That doesn’t mean he likes teenagers. When you’re a kid everyone cuts you a lot of slack.”

Abby raised an eyebrow. Being a kid meant constantly having to deal with anyone and everyone trying to hurt you just because nobody was going to believe your word over theirs. Seriously, how many kids showed up at the KND desperate for help because nobody would listen? That wasn’t exactly her definition of ”a lot of slack”. And that wasn’t even counting the lack of “slack” her sister had shown her until recently. But before she could argue back her sister kept talking.

”But then you turn 13 and suddenly everyone thinks you’re feral. You’ve got to land on your feet and start running.”

Abby sighed. “I’m not going rogue, sis.”

“What—? That’s not what I meant!…that time.” Cree glared at her.

“Then what did you mean to tell Number 5?”

Cree went quiet after that and they said nothing as they crossed the Potomac. And nothing still as they crossed their towns limits

Number 5 rolled down her window and got a breath of air. She didn’t plan on taking another ride-along for a long time(assuming she ever did).

”Man, sis. Turning 13 sure does stink, doesn’t it?“

“It sure does, Abby, but that doesn’t mean you have to do it alone. I’m still here, okay?“

“You’re getting mushy in your old age, Cree.” Number 5 joked. She had a feeling that she was being manipulated again, but it was still good to have somebody to go to.

Her sister rolled her eyes. “Wanna spar tomorrow? I can guarantee you I won’t hold back.“

Number 5 laughed at this. “Sure Cree, sure.“

The car turned around the corner and pulled into the driveway. Cree smirked at the younger girl riding shotgun. “I have to get you trained up in the Battle Ready armor anyway. Girl has to know her way around one of these—“

“Cree. Number 5 keeps telling you, the moment I start wearing a Bra will be a sunny day on the moon... And don’t get any ideas.”

Chapter 9: Monday Morning

Chapter Text

Monday morning dawned on the treehouse. The four human operatives dragged themselves to the bridge and slumped down into the tier pit.

They were all exhausted. Number 2 and 4 had played a Yipper Video game till two in the morning and fought over whether or not anyone had cheated until 3.

Number 3 had just gotten back into town from The Rainbow Monkey Store. Even if she thought the new episode was terrible, she bought all three of the new Rainbow Monkeys from Friday night’s special. Her dad drank 6 cups of coffee to get him though the return trip. When he wasn’t looking Kuki tried some too. If her parents drank so much of it, it had to be good, right? Much to her surprise, it tasted like mud. It did keep her awake, but the caffeine rush was wearing off and she was half asleep in her spot snuggled up with a black rainbow monkey and a red patchwork one with sunglasses.

Number 5, of course, was at the Candy Bar from Saturday until late Sunday Night and she was hungover from all the sugar and caffeine finally wearing off. She was so tired that she took the usual spot with Sector V instead of going onstage where the Sector leader was supposed to wait.

Just when everyone was about to fall asleep standing up, the sliding metal doors slid open and in walked Bradley, known to the Kids Next Door as Number 6. He was a half-cyborg baby skunk who Sector V had once made a honorary member. He didn’t come over too often because he was still a baby and he had two very smelly, loving and frightening parents. But ever since Number 1 had left, 362 had officially added the little skunk to Sector V to avoid any new operatives being assigned to them too soon. And although Bradley rarely went on any of Sector V’s missions, he still had to be present for all the official meetings.

The baby skunk looked at his hungover teammates for a solid minute, pausing especially when he noticed Number 5 smelled like sugar. Then he pounced onto the stage, metal paws clanking.

“Hey…Number 5?” Number 4 asked sleepily, “aren’t you supposed to be up there too?”

Abby sighed, remembering that she was Sector Leader. After picking up Bradley and placing him with Number 3 and her Rainbow Monkeys, Abby mounted the stage and tried to rub the sleep out of her eyes. “Well, at least I can tell you guys didn’t mope all weekend.“

There was no response from anyone. Number 5 looked down at the tier and saw all of the members of Sector V fast asleep! Bradley was already snuggled up next to Number 3’s arm and let out a soft little snore right in between the Rainbow Monkeys.

Number 5 sighed and stepped on a hidden button on the stage. From out from one of the wooden walls, a mechanical arm extended holding a trumpet. The mechanical arm flexed its fingers and then began to play at full volume. Everyone in Sector V snapped awake instantly and it was miracle that little Bradley didn’t spray any of them.

“Rise and shine, Sector V!” Abby said with as much energy as she could. Everyone else groaned.

“Don’t worry, Number 5 will have us out of this briefing as soon as possible and then we can all go back to bed for another hour.” The group nodded and Abby began to read Monday’s agenda in a voice that was totally not mocking Number 65.3.

“All Kids Next Door operatives are advised not to call the emergency nacho cheese carrier unless it’s actually an emergency.”

That was probably another jab at their disaster of a mission at the point. Number 5 cleared her throat and kept reading.

“Count Spankula has been apprehended by Number 363 and Sector W.” The whole Sector, including Bradley, let out a groan. Knowing Number 363, this was all he was ever going to talk about for weeks.

“Knightbrace is missing, which is unusual. If you have a sighting, tell your sector leader. If you see a member of your Sector wearing white…”

Abby stopped and read the rest of the order in a confused voice.

“…do not ask.“

“What about the cruddy Delightful Children?” yelled Number 4 from the back. The rest of the kids laughed and Number 5 rolled her eyes.

“Let’s get back to the point. That takes care of global command news… now for Sector news. Number 4, would you stand up please?”

Number 4 stood up looking nervous. Number 5 gave him a reassuring smile. “Since Number 1 left, Number 5 has been Sector leader, but Number 5’s job of second officer has been vacant. Effective today, Number 4 is now second-in-command of Sector V. Number 4, do you have anything to add?“

Number 4 gulped. He was about to say something when a flash of black and red caught his eye. Without any warning, Number 4 took a flying leap off the stage and tackled one of Number 3’s new rainbow monkey dolls.

“Hey! Number 4, what are you doing?” Number 5 was about to start yelling until Number 4 ran up on stage and held up the Rainbow Monkey for all to see.

“Number 5 must be sleep deprived,” the completely stunned Sector Leader said.

“What is that thing?“ Number 2 leaned closer to see.

Bradley hissed and raised his tail, but Number 3 didn’t get it. She climbed up on the stage and lunged at Number 4.

“Give him back, Wally!”

But instead Wally held the toy over his head.

“Is that a Father rainbow monkey?” Number 2 asked.
He got an answer when Number 6 went for Kuki trying to take the Father Rainbow Monkey. He bit into the monkey’s tail with his sharp little teeth.

“Number 6, no! Drop him!” cried Number 3. Instead of bringing the stuffed animal back, he ran straight to Number 5.

”Number 3, that things probably bugged.“ Number 2 said to the frantic Rainbow Monkeys fan.

“Yeah, we gotta cut it open to see if there’s a camera in it!“
Number 4 blurted out.
This made Number 3 scoop up her stuffed animal, hold on tighter and start crying. Number 5 gave a sharp whistle.

“Quiet!“ Number 5 finally managed to stop the mad scramble. ”Guys, break it up. Number 3, give him to me. I promise nothing’s going to happen to him.“

Number 3 sniffed. “You promise?”

“Number 5’s giving you her word.”

Number 3 kissed the Father Rainbow Monkey on top of his head and gave it to Number 5, who activated a green beam (which was both a hologram projector and tractor beam) and let the doll float around as Sector V gazed at it. It was a black rainbow monkey outlined in red and had mean yellow eyes and no mouth.

“I always knew there was something off with those cruddy things!“ insisted Number 4. This was rewarded by a swift swat on the back of the head by Kuki, who had not forgotten about being tackled for her new stuffed animal.

“So… Father’s taken over the Rainbow Monkeys?“ Number 2 guessed.

“I thought that voice sounded familiar!“ Number 3 piped up.

“What voice?” the rest of Sector V asked with timing that would have put the Delightful Children to shame.

Number 3 nodded. “Yeah, on the Late Love, Laugh and Share Rainbow Monkey Show.“ She shivered, remembering the scene with poor Nigel Comprix.

Number 5 rubbed her forehead. This was going to be a long day. They would have to call Moonbase for sure, and the Kids Next Door scientists were going to want to probe the Rainbow Monkey. If Kuki started crying (and God forbid if Number 86 and the rest of the Rainbow Monkey fan club butted in) this whole thing was going to get horribly complicated. Just then the tractor beam began to flicker.

Number 2 yelled “Number 5! There’s a call from Moonbase!“

“Pick it up.” Number 5 sighed and to her surprise it was none other than Number 86 herself.

Number 86 had her usual armor on. That wasn’t what was such a surprise for anyone. The surprising part was that the Head Of Decommissioning, one of the most feared(and in some cases hated) operatives on the Moonbase, would be sent to contact a sector instead of Number 362. The four humans and skunk stood at attention, waiting for the new orders.

Number 86 stared them down for a minute and then said “At ease.“

There was an awkward silence for a few seconds and then the redheaded girl spoke.

“Number 5…“ she huffed angrily. “I can’t believe I’m saying this, but Number 362 had put you guys on the Delightful Children’s Cake mission again even though you messed it up FIVE TIMES IN A ROW!“

Bradley barely managed to avoid spraying down the screen. The whole sector flinched at Number 86’s rage—all except Abby. “Excuse me, Fanny. If Number 5 remembers correctly you were busy playing kissy face with Fancy Pants while we were trying to figure out how to get Cake 5 down from orbit.”

Fanny went bright red from either rage or embarrassment(probably both).

“Just...get...on...it.” Number 86 was red now. If it had been any other Operative who talked to her like that, she probably would have hauled them up to Moonbase for “immediate decommissioning”. But Fancy just stood on-screen fuming. She was about to sign off when Number 5 said, “Oh yeah, Number 86. What about this?”

Number 5 held the Father Rainbow Monkey up to the screen. Number 86 seemed to cool down a little bit at the sight of the Father Rainbow Monkey.

“Oh yes, the Father Rainbow Monkey... As you’ve all already seen, Father has somehow gotten himself involved with the Rainbow Monkey Corporation.”

“Told ya those things were evil!“ Number 4 yelled.

Number 86 turned even redder than before. “Of all the stupid things an idiot boy could say…why I oughtta—”

Number 5 cut her off. ”Is there anything wrong with it and do we need to throw it out?”

Number 86 took a deep breath. “No, there is nothing wrong with HIM, he’s just a normal Rainbow Monkey, fur and all.”

Number 4 sighed, his hopes of seeing a rainbow monkey destroyed or set on fire shattered. Number 3 rejoiced and gleefully took the doll back from Number 5 while Number 86 went on. “Along with the cake you are also tasked with finding out why Father’s involved with the Rainbow Monkey Cooperation. If you haven’t seen the special yet I suggest you familiarize yourself with it. It’s currently not available for streaming on the Rainbow Monkey website, but I’m sure one of you GIRLS was smart enough to record it.”

Number 3 raised her hand and was thinking how lucky she was not to have deleted it… although she hoped she wouldn’t have to watch that horrible thing again. Number 4 was less than thrilled at the prospect of having to watch a Rainbow Monkey episode by order of Moonbase. “Rainbow Monkeys are stupid!“ he muttered under his breath. Number 3 gave him the evil eye, but luckily his comment had escaped Number 86’s notice.

“Now what are you waiting around for? There’s plenty of reports of suspicious activity around the Delightful Mansion. Get off your butts AND GO CHECK IT OUT NOW!”

It was a relief to everybody when they heard the words “Number 86 out.”

It was amazing that Bradley hadn’t gotten too spooked and sprayed them all. As soon as Number 86 turned off her monitor, Number 5 began giving orders. “Number 2, get the Scamper ready. Number 3, get in touch with Number 6’s parents, see if we can have Bradley for the day and take that Father Rainbow Monkey back to your room. Number 5 still don’t trust that thing.”

Number 4 lingered. “Um… Number 5, you aren’t really going to make us watch that Rainbow Dorkey special, are you?”

Number 5 smiled mischievously, “I don’t know Number 4, Number 5 was thinking that you could watch it for all of us and write a report.“

Number 5 left to go get ready, laughing to herself. “Oh, and Number 4? We’re going to the Delightful Mansion, you know what to bring.”

Chapter 10: The Delightful Mansion

Chapter Text

The Delightful Mansion was crawling with trouble.

Dozens of ice cream trucks from the Tasty Taste Ice Cream Factory (Evil Adult Industries’s joint adult-exclusive Ice Cream company that sold ice cream to a only adults and also happened to be their own private security force) were waiting in a long line to get through the front gate. Those who weren’t waiting in line were making patrols, guarding a massive shipment of their products. There was also at least a dozen regiments of the dreaded Knightamatons(robotic suits of armor) on the mansion’s grounds.

“Man, whatever Father’s planning, it’s gotta be humongous.“ Number 4 said from the bushes. The whole of Sector V (all species accounted for) was hiding in a hedge just outside the massive front gate. Scouting out the Delightful Children’s mansion was a long-held tradition by Sector V. It was weird not having Number 1 with them...

“What’s the plan, Number 5?” asked Number 2. Number 5 mentally weighed her options. These scouting missions tended to have …mixed results. Despite the rare brush with death on missions to the mansion, most of the time the cake was being made off-property and sometimes all Sector V could see was the Delightful Children playing croquet. Number 5 had half-expected to see nothing and to go back to the Treehouse. She definitely wasn’t expecting this.

The more curious part of her wanted to get in and investigate, although her gut instinct was to go back to the Scamper. Getting inside the Delightful Children’s Mansion was not easy on any day of the year, and it would be especially risky with this much security. The memory of her sector’s mortifying encounter with the Delightful Children last Friday hung heavy on Number 5’s mind.

Wally could pretty much read Abby’s mind by just looking at her. She wanted to go in, but she was scared...

“Number 5, we’re going in now.” Number 4 wasn’t asking her a question. That was obviously a statement. Number 5 sighed under her breath. “C’mon, follow me.“

Crouching low to the ground with her heart pounding in her chest, Number 5 slowly and carefully led her team along the ground, making sure to keep a low profile. Slowly and deftly, with practiced precision, Sector V split up into pairs. By the time the line started moving again, 4 and 3 were clinging to the undercarriage of one of the ice cream trucks with 5 and 2 clinging to the next one.

Bradley didn’t have to cling to any of the trucks. He was a skunk and he could slip right though the bars on the front gate, and even if someone was suspicious of his cyborg parts, he was still a skunk. No one wants to get close to a skunk.

The line of Ice Cream trucks went all the way around the Mansion’s grounds and finally pulled into a massive and chilly loading dock. The operatives carefully dropped to the ground without making a sound and watched the enemy unload crates for what felt like years. Number 2 actually fell asleep until his partner elbowed him to stop him from snoring.

It was nearly an hour until the kids were alone in the massive cooler. A tiny set of black fuzzy ears pricked up from behind a crate. Bradley, who was hiding behind the ginormous box of ice cream, gave the signal with a soft chirp. Sector V carefully slid out from under the trucks and filed out of the loading dock in single file.

Number 5 led the way followed closely by Number 2. Numbers 3 and 4 came after them with Number 4 holding onto the sleeve of his partner’s dark green sweater.(Even if he denied it later, it did happen.) Finally, Number 6 scampered after his human family. He could smell the food, but it wasn’t time to eat just yet. He was a skunk on a mission.

Hoagie and Wally crossed over the threshold of the loading docks into the Mansion itself, but the rest of the KND agents lingered at the edge.

“You know what to do, right Number 6?” Number 5 asked. The baby skunk nodded and saluted with his robotic arm.

“Be safe, Bradley!” Number 3 whispered, kissing Number 6 on his head and crowning him with a pair of Rainbow Monkey Ear muffs.

“Keep these on, baby. I don’t want your ears getting too cold!” Bradley thought she made a pretty good mom, even if she was still a kit. He nuzzled her hand right before she had to go.

The last humans of Sector V disappeared down a long staircase and Number 6 was left in the cooler alone. He walked over to a big crate of Ice Cream, busted the top…

…and began to scoop out delicious heapings of Strawberry mint swirl(it’s a little-known fact that skunks like ice cream too.)

Once they were inside the mansion Sector V was on high alert. Getting inside was the easy part. Before they were even close to the kitchen, a company of Knightamatons led by an ice cream man wearing a cake cone helmet and shoulder pads just like the ones on Cake Station 5 came marching though. The team ducked into a closet and waited for the metallic clacking sounds of the walking suits of armor to disappear before even daring to whisper. This was going to be a lot more complicated than the last stakeout.

“Alright. Number 5’s going to give y’all a quick review before we split up. Number 2?”

Number 2 pulled out a mini hologram projector that shot out a detailed 3D map of the Delightful Mansion.

“The kitchen is right here. Chef Pierre is probably talking with Father at some point about the design for the cake, so Number 3 and Number 4 will plant this bug in the kitchen. With this little thing running around we’ll hear everything they say. “

Giggling like a maniac at the idea of bugging the place with, well ... a bug, Number 2 held up a small petri dish. What appeared to be a co*ckroach was tapping against the sides trying to get out. Number 2 handed the container to Number 4 before continuing.

“Me and Number 5 will be in Father’s study. We’re just going to see why Father’s going ape for Rainbow Monkeys.“ He completely ignored Abby’s sigh at his pun.

“Come on man...” Number 5 muttered before saying “Once you guys are done in the kitchen,get back to cold storage and wait for us. If we’re not back in an hour, call for Number 6. Any questions? “

Nobody said a word.

“Number 4?” Number 5 reminded, “That’s your cue.”

Number 4 nodded and gravely handed all of his fellow operatives powerful ice cream pistols. The icy weapons were just grim reminders of just whose house they were in.

Number 5 took a deep breath and looked at her team. This was going to be the first real mission they had without Number 1... And her first real mission as Sector Leader.

She smiled and adjusted her signature red baseball cap.
“Let’s go make Number 1 proud.”

Chapter 11: Abby and Hoagie

Chapter Text

“Coast is clear.” Number 5 whispered to Number 2. They were just outside of Father’s study. Hoagie tried to convince her to let him be the first one in, but she wasn’t having any of it. Number 2 took a deep breath and followed Number 5 into the dimly lit study.

“So what are we looking for here?” Number 2 asked his Sector leader, pulling up Father’s plush leather chair and plugging in a flash drive that would crack Father’s password and get him whatever he wanted off the computer. Number 5 didn’t answer him.

“You sure you know what you’re doing?” Abby asked nervously. Hoagie typed a few buttons on the keyboard. “Don’t worry, this little baby should burn through any firewalls Father has set up. Get it? Burn through firewalls!” Number 2 began to laugh and Number 5 groaned before whacking him on the back of the head with her hat.

”Quiet! Do you want Father to come in here and kill us both?”

“Sorry, Number 5, it’s just my way of dealing with heat.” Hoagie smiled, “Get it, heat?” Number 5 groaned and walked over to a bookshelf.

Truth be told, she was feeling guilty at the moment. Seeing Number 2 working at the computer while she stood guard reminded her of her latest outing with Cree.

“What do you want me to do?” Number 5 needed to stay alert and focus on the mission. She couldn’t get distracted yet.

”Take a look around. See if you can find any files. Anything you want me to look for on the computer? Besides the Rainbow Monkey stuff?”

Number 5 was about to say no… but then her last job with Cree made her think of something.
“See if you can’t find anything about that senator you and Number 4 had a run-in with last spring. Number 5 got some intel from spying on Cree.”

Hoagie’s pilot goggles rose when Abby mentioned her older sister, but she gave him a look that made the flyboy turn his head back to the screen. Hoagie P Gilligan was obviously owned and operated by the younger of the two Lincoln sisters.

“Senator Safely?” Number 2 asked, changing the subject back to the mission.

“Just a lead. Probably nothing.” Number 5 said flatly. Number 2 wanted to ask more questions, but Abby’s tone gave him the feeling it wasn’t wise to ask.

Abby looked through every file on Father’s bookcase. Most of them would have been pretty good intel… about 4 months ago! Plans and patents for Father’s beam that turned all the Kids Next Door into animals, rough sketches for the Cake 5 super cake, and a cross-dimensional licensing agreement with some bozo who’s name sounded like a German garden gnome named Doofenshmirtz(Abby was no stranger to alternate dimensions, and this did not interest her as much as it would you or I).

After finishing raiding Father’s filing cabinet, Abby stood in front of the door with the ice cream pistol drawn, but she knew there was no point. Father was out for a spa day and the Delightful Children… well, they were probably doing something weird. She wandered over to the computer desk and leaned over to look at the screen.

“Found anything?” Abby asked in a hushed voice. “Tons.” Hoagie whispered back.

“What did you find, Number 2?”

“Can’t really say, but there’s a whole bunch of files that say teen ninja, and evil plans for next year and I found all the Rainbow Monkey stuff in a folder. When we get back to the treehouse we’re going to have a field day!”

Number 5 left the desk. There wasn’t much more to do other than do one last sweep of the room. She saw a bust that was carved out of marble. One of Father’s ancestors, probably, older than Grandfather. One of Fathers ancestors... Didn’t that make him one of Number 1’s ancestors too? The guy even had Nigel’s ears and wore glasses, giving him a very Number 1–like appearance.

Walking over to the bust, she touched the glasses and realized that they were loose. Curiosity got the better of her and she tugged the glasses off. They came off easily and to her surprise, she saw a big red button on the bust’s right eye.

“Number 2, come look at this!”

Number 2 looked up from Father’s computer desk and stared at the hidden button. “What do you think it does?”

But Number 5 most likely didn’t hear him because she was already pushing the button. The bookcase slowly began to rise, revealing a secret passageway in which a flight of stairs descended.

“Number 5’s going to take a look at this.”

She started to go down the cracked old steps that were made of black marble, but Number 2 put a hand on her shoulder. “I’m coming too.”

“You can’t leave the flashdrive...”

“It can run itself. I’m not going to let you wander around the Delightful Mansion all by yourself.”

Abby was about to order him to stay put, but he wasn’t having any of it. She gave him a nod and adjusted her hat.

”Follow me.“

The two descended the stairs, which unlike the rest of the mansion were poorly lit and had a musty old evil feeling, older than Father or Grandfather or even Grandfather’s grandfather. The way would have been pitch black if it weren’t for the torches, which gave off light exactly the same as Father’s furious frightful flames.

Down, down, down they went, further than the mansion’s basem*nt, further than the inner sanctum and as they went further it got darker and damper. Both Number 5 and 2 were on edge. It was like the spirit of whatever built these stairs, the thing older and more evil than Father or even Grandfather was still down there with them, following them...

They both broke into a run and they ran as fast as they could. They at last reached a passageway that was better maintained and lit in the traditional manner of the Delightful Mansion. There were three sets of stairs, the left and right ones going up respectively and the center one going down. Above the left was a sigh that read Inner Sanctum and on the right was a sign that read Laboratory.

“Which…way…?” Number 2 asked, panting. They both felt like they’d been running from whoever or whatever was chasing them.

”Don’t know. Whatever we choose, not the one that goes further down.“

Number 2 nodded. They both looked at the three sets of stairs. The one going down was pitch black, just like the set of stairs they had been taking. The one leading to the Inner Sanctum was lit by gas lights and the one leading to the laboratory was lit with fluorescent lights. After traveling in the dark for so long, they were both drawn to the lab’s brighter staircase. Number 5 pointed at the lights.

“I’ve already seen the Inner Sanctum and it’s nothing to write home about. Let’s take the laboratory.“

They both began to climb the lab staircase when Number 2 asked “Say, Number 5, what was the inner sanctum like?”

“Nothing special, Cree seemed to like it okay.”

Hoagie gave a purr.

“She was there with a boy.” Number 5 said smirking.

”Maurice?” Number 2 asked, smirking right back at her. Number 5 went bright red. There wasn’t much talking for a full two minutes after that. They were going up and up and up without stopping until a horrible thought dawned on Number 5. She turned to Number 2, who was panting a few steps behind her.

”Number 2…what would Father be working on in a lab?”

They climbed a final set of stairs until they came to a set of double doors atop a catwalk. It was a miracle that they hadn’t run into anyone by now. The double doors reminded Number 5 of hospital doors where her dad took her in to work every so often. When they opened the doors they were on another catwalk overlooking a large warehouse-like room.

”Where are we?” Number 5 asked.

“Must be at very top of the Mansion.” Number 2 guessed. They were both very sore from climbing from Father’s study on the second floor to almost the very bottom past Father’s Inner Sanctum to the very tiptop of the mansion.

Number 5 and 2 carefully climbed down and marveled in sheer horror at the sinister experiments going on. A special strand of broccoli that was supposed to be ten times as nasty, eggs for the mutated head lice that had been unleashed on their treehouse,a new and “improved” delightfulization chamber, a chalk board with a picture of the Delightful Children and Sector Z with a bunch of mathematical equations all over it and most impressive and terrifying of all was a large glass tube. Inside floating in a strange liquid was a boy.

He was a teenager by the looks of him, short and stocky. He had darkish looking skin, and hair with red and blonde streaks colored into it. One of his hands looked badly broken. A tube ran down his throat and both arms had tubes running through them as well. He bobbed in a fluorescent green fluid that reminded Number 2 of the antifreeze he used in his planes. The boy wore what Number 2 automatically recognized as one of Chester’s Happy Headbands.

“Project MMS2…“ Hoagie read aloud, but Number 5 was gone, walking towards a long corridor close to the back of the warehouse.

“Number 5?” Hoagie called trailing after her. “I think it’s time to get out of here and get back to the others. I don’t want to end up being a specimen in here and—”

“Shh!” Number 5 whispered. “Listen. Did you hear that?”

“Hear what? All I hear is beeping.”

“Exactly. I’ve heard that sound before…it sounds like life support.“

Number 5 continued forward into the long hallway. Number 2 kept trying to drag her back but she went on.

Beep.

Beep.

Drip.

Beep.

The sounds echoed though the long hallway, which had cells lined up on either side. All of them were empty except for the one at the very end where the hospital sounds were coming from. In the cell at the end of the hallway sat a bed, and in that bed laid a figure who was hooked up to all sorts of medical equipment.

“Who is it?” Number 2 asked. They couldn’t really see what was going on from the corridor.

”Number 5’s about to find out.”

The leader of Sector V took a deep breath. She ran her fingers over the outline of the G.U.M.M.B.O. in her pocket. It was already empty, but she wasn’t going to go into enemy territory unarmed. “Got any gum?”

“Why?” Number 2 said, opening the cell door. It wasn’t even locked. Why bother?

(He wasn’t going anywhere...)

Number 5 and Number 2 approached the bed and they both gasped. Numbuh 2 turned a nauseous shade of green.

In the bed was a kid—no, not a kid, a teenager. And not just any ordinary teenager, but The Steve, the infamous leader of the Teen Ninjas.

But it wasn’t all of The Steve.

Parts of his head were there and part of his chest, but the rest of him was nowhere to be seen. Number 2 bent over to have a look at his face but gasped. “I’m gonna be sick!”

Number 5 leaned over and was about to have the same reaction, but she held back the impulse. Her Dad was a doctor and some of his bedside manner must have rubbed off on her. She forced herself to look and much to her surprise, she was able to smile. The Steve attempted to smile back, but the breathing tube prevented it. Although Number 5 suspected that he may not have had all his teeth, she looked at The Steve’s previously intact face. The poor boy was missing an eye and his nose. His signature sunglasses sat mockingly on a bedside table. The Steve rolled his eye to the machine that the tube down his throat was attached to. Number 5 followed the eye and her stomach dropped.

“I can’t.” she said feebly in a trembling voice, but the one good eye stared at her, pleading.

“Can’t what?” Number 2 asked from the doorway. He couldn’t stand being in there any longer.

Number 5 sighed. “Can’t do anything to help... Number 2, I think we’ve seen enough, start heading out of here. Let’s get back to Father’s study.”

Number 2 was happy to oblige, running as fast as his portly frame would allow and Number 5 was left alone with the Steve. Slowly, carefully, gently, she removed the breathing tube. It was horrible the way he was gasping and coughing, but the eye looked at her gratefully. Number 5 put a hand against The Steve’s temple and began to hum a lullaby. Soon he became still, and Number 5 replaced the breathing tube and tried to leave the cell as she found it. She left the room...

Abby’s hands were shaking and trembling worse than if she had been on a sugar high at the Candy Bar. This felt a hundred times heavier than anything, even the day her sister betrayed the Kids Next Door. When she found Number 2 she put her hands behind her back to keep them from trembling so much.

“Ready?” she asked, but before he could answer a smell began to permeate the laboratory. It was a horrible smell, like a skunk, only worse. Much worse.

“The others!” gasped Number 2, who was running again. For a few seconds Numbuh 5 managed to forget what happened back in the cells. She put on a burst of speed, calling out “Let’s go!” to Number 2 as she passed him.

She had helped The Steve as best as she could. Hopefully she wouldn’t be too late and have to help the others like that.

Chapter 12: Kuki and Wally

Chapter Text

Wally and Kuki ran through the living room of the Delightful Mansion and pressed their backs against the entry way to the kitchen to listen for danger.

“In here!” Wally whispered as quietly as his rising adrenaline level would allow. He pulled Kuki behind a cushy sofa and sat down.

Kuki hugged him nervously. “Wally, you don’t think Father’s in there, do you?” Number 4 didn’t say anything. He was turning fire truck red from the hug. The only voice they could hear didn’t sound like Father, but he could have already known that they were there. He might be right around the corner just waiting for them to walk right into his clutches. Didn’t Father have shapeshifting powers ? Whoever’s voice it was got more distant and disappeared from the kitchen into the dining room.

“Whoever it is, he’s gone now.” whispered Number 4. “ I’m going to check it out, Kuki. Stay here until I give the word .”

She nodded. “Be careful, Wally!”

Number 4 took a deep breath. Holy crud, this was crazy! What if Father was in there eating Rainbow Munchies Cereal? He’d get burned to a crisp!

With his fingers on the ice cream pistol’s trigger, Wally rounded the corner. To his surprise and great relief, it was completely empty. Well, empty expect for five matching cat beds where the Sinister Felines From Atop The Litterbox(the Delightful Children’s lookalike cats) were sleeping.

Kuki was listening in the living room waiting for the signal. She was thrilled when Numbuh 4 stuck his head around the corner and pointed into the room. “Come on!”

That was the signal, and Kuki came.

“…And don’t touch the cats!“
Number 4 hissed at Number 3, who was already starting to move in the direction of the cat bed. She sighed sadly and changed course to follow Number 4, who was already opening the petri dish. “Alright. Number 2 says he wants it released right under the fridge ...” Mumbling to himself, Number 4 dropped the co*ckroach at the base of the gigantic fridge and the little bug robot skittered underneath. For a raid on the Delightful Children’s mansion, things were going smoothly.

A massive cookbook sat on the kitchen counter. Taking a small camera that was hidden in her oversized green sweater, Number 3 flipped though the book, snapping pictures as she went.

When she finished, she figured she would reward herself.

The cats, like their lookalike masters, were selfish little brutes who did not like kids. However, there wasn’t a single kitty cat on the face of the Earth who could resist getting ear scratches from Number 3. The Sinister Felines decided exceptions could be made, so Kuki stroked and petted them until they wandered off into the living room. They may have tolerated her, but they had a limit to how much petting was too much.(Unless she came back with treats.)

After petting the cats, she walked back to Number 4, gracefully tiptoeing across the fancy tile floor without making a sound. It was fun going on missions together.

Number 3 gave Number 4 a thumbs up.

“Let’s get outta here.” Number 4 blurted out. Number 3 nodded solemnly and the two began to sneak back to cold storage together.

They were just past the living room when they bumped right into Jenkins. He crossed his arms and stared down at the two intruders.

“Do we have a couple of little rats?“
Jenkins asked. Before they could do anything, he grabbed both of them right off the floor. Wally was kicking and scratching against the arm holding him back. He was about to bite the butler’s hand when Jenkins gave Kuki’s arm a painful squeeze. She let out a soft gasp without meaning to. The tall man tightened his grip.

“Tut, tut, tut, Mr. Beatles, we wouldn’t want anyone being hurt, would we? Remember that I AM Father’s butler, Mr. Beatles. I have some tricks up my sleeve. One more move out of you and I will pull Miss Sanban’s arm clean out of its socket.”

The threat was clear and Jenkins was smiling at Kuki, who was almost in tears. Wally made no more protest, even when they were carried into the dining room where Sector V crashed the Delightful Children’s party on numerous occasions.

The Delightful Children sat at the table enjoying lunch…with a guest, apparently. All six of the figures at the table wore identical white robes. Most of them had already finished their food, but the sixth person still had a full plate.

“Cruddy creeps.” Wally muttered as they were dragged in. It was bad enough when there were only five of them.

Then again, the new kid didn’t look too happy to be there. The Delightfuls were watching her with strange grins, like those awful teachers who can’t wait for their class to mess up.

“What’s wrong, Miracolina? You haven’t touched your steak. Is something the matter?” The voice—or should it be voices—came from the Children sitting across from her. “The Delightful Children from Down the Lane “ is what Roberta had called them, but Miracolina thought they were more like “The Demonic Cretins from the Deepest Pits of Hell“.

Why did they talk together? It was almost as unsettling as—well, everything else that went on here. Miracolina was sitting in an elegant dining room, probably the most elegant she had ever been taken to in her entire life. She was hungry, desperately hungry, but she dared not touch the food in front of her, for every time she did, one of the Despicable Creatures from Satan’s Loins would press a button to set her temples alight with electricity. The blond girl holding the remote had the same malicious grin as the rest of them.

“Go on, drink, you must be parched!” they all said in unison. She was parched. Who wouldn’t be if they were left in a stinking cell for three or four days(she couldn’t quite remember how long)given nothing to eat, and barely anything to drink?

Maybe they’ll be kind, maybe their black hearts will have a little bit of compassion...maybe?
With her thin fingers shaking, Miracolina reached for the crystal glass of water and brought it to her lips. When the first drops were trickling down her throat, she felt bloody murder go through her head as the electrodes on her head lit up with an ungodly fury.

The pain was so bad that she fell from her chair. To her shame tears were rolling down her cheeks(It was a miracle she had enough water in her system to produce tears though, she thought). The ungodly pain from the electricity was accompanied by the unholy laughter of the Delightful Children. Mercifully she was on her way out of consciousness, when Jenkins entered the room gripping a kid in each of his arms. One was a girl in an oversized green sweater. The other one was a tiny blonde little boy griping at his kidnapper. He kinda reminded her of Lev, in a way. That thought made her smile in spite of herself. Weird little boy.

“Miss Kuki Sanban and Mr. Wallabee Beatles.“ Jenkins announced, shoving the two captured operatives into the room. He left with a loud THUD as the door closed.

“My, my…” the Delightful Children mused in unison. Miracolina was zoned out from pain, hunger and dehydration, but the two names rang like a church bell on Sunday Mass and for a moment, she wasn’t in the Delightful Mansion’s Dining room anymore.

“Hoagie, Kuki, Wallabee, and Abigail. Abby would never let you do this!“

“Abby would never let you do this…“ Miracolina mouthed from her crumpled position on the floor when the pain from another shock brought her back to the present.

“Miracolina? Roberta said you were a rude little urchin, but we didn’t know you were so rude as not to greet our new guests.” Miracolina crawled back into her chair gripping the white silk dining room tablecloth and sat in her chair again. The shocks hadn’t come yet.

”Good,“ The Delightful Children said again in unison, ” Roberta was right to trust us with your rehabilitation. Now say hi to Kuki and Wallabee.“

Miracolina looked at the two children. The girl looked shocked and distraught. The short Lev-looking boy only made eye contact for a few seconds before looking down.

“Who is she?” the boy asked in a thick Australian accent.

“A ‘cruddy teenager’, Wallabee.” the Delightful Children said mocking the boy’s accent. “None of a Kids Next Door operative’s concern.“

Wally caught a few extra glances at Miracolina’s eyes. The Delightful Children were right(now there’s something nobody ever said before). Officially, this teenager was of no concern to them, but those eyes...they kinda reminded him of Kuki...

The Delightful Children gave another evil laugh before focusing on their new guests. “So what brings you Kids Next Door to our mansion on such a lovely day? And where are your friends Hoagie and Abigail?”

Wally silently crossed his arms. Kuki stuck out her tongue.

“Not in the mood, I see?” The Delightful Children asked in unison. “That’s unfortunate. Oh well. We can’t force you to talk if you don’t want to.”

More silence, but this time the Delightful Children smiled. “Say Wallabee, do you want to play a game?”

The boy glared at them. “Yeah, let’s play kick-your-stupid-heads-in.”

The Delightful Children laughed and said, ”No, that doesn’t sound very fun at all, but you know what does sound fun? A little game called three questions.”

While Wally, Kuki and the Delightful Children were having their stare-down, Miracolina took advantage of the moment. Now that those Demonic Creeps were distracted, she’d finally been able to gulp down her glass of water and down a roll that was on her plate. Nothing ever tasted as good as this did.

She was zoned out enjoying the food until she heard the word “questions”. She jumped in her seat, accidentally knocking over her empty glass. Another wave of electricity had hit her. It was bad, but not nearly as bad as the currents she had been getting earlier. It was easier to put up both because of the decreased current and the fact that now she had some food in her stomach. Gripping the tablecloth in pain, she waited for the current to stop. It didn’t.

“Stop it, you’re hurting her!” the little girl in the sweater shouted.

The shocks kept coming and coming and coming. Miracolina cried out(not very loud, for every fiber in her mind, body and soul was exhausted, but she screamed). The Delightful Children went on smiling.

“The rules of the game are really quite simple, Wallabee. We are going to ask you three questions. How are you feeling today? How do you like the weather? And what are you doing tonight? Answer all three of them and pay no mind to our friend Miracolina and you and Kuki can walk right out of the gate.”

The girl’s cries were not loud, but they were very pained. It was torture for Wally and Kuki to listen to her in such misery.

“Knock it off! She didn’t even do anything, stop it!” The boy growled and lunged for the remote, but they only smiled, patted him on the head and gave the remote to David, the tallest of the Delightful Children who held it tauntingly out of Number 4’s reach.

“Come on, Wally, can’t you see she’s just like us? Look. She’s even wearing the same outfit as us, white robes, she’s the same as us.”

Miracolina, who had worn tithing whites for most of her life up until about last year, would have spat at the Delightful Children if it wasn’t for the electricity pounding though her head. They were a disgrace to the robes, and even if she did have rather mixed feelings on unwinding, the fact that these wretched children could be like any one of her old friends made her sick.

“So, Wally…how are you feeling today?”

Kuki leaned down as far as she could(for Wally WAS very short) and put her head on Wally’s shoulder. She couldn’t stand the girl’s suffering and she knew that Wally probably couldn’t stand it either. Wally gave her hand two pumps.... two pumps ... Did he want to? Was he sure? Two more pumps... She looked at Wally with tears in her eyes and nodded.

“I feel fine today, how about you?” He forced out.

Miracolina continued to wallow in pain. Were they doing it? Were these kids just going along with the demon’s sick twisted game?

“Abby wouldn’t let you do this...” Maybe the boy in chains was wrong.

“Fine. Thank you...How do you like the weather?” Wally actually smiled. “Can we come back to that one later?” The Delightful Children looked puzzled but said, “Sure...What are your plans for this evening?”

Wally had a big grin on his face like he was talking to Number 2. “Playing Yipper. Also I might take myself a nice long bath!”

Kuki giggled and filled one of her pockets with her sweater sleeves. Number 4 hated baths so much that he’d climb out the window and run if he got the chance. He was an escape artist whenever he needed to be.

The Delightfuls rolled their identical glowing eyes. “How are you enjoying the weather, Wallabee?”

“It’s great!” Wally said, “just the most perfect day for a skunking!”

“A... What?”

Just then, a putrid smell began to fill the air, making it’s way through all of the mansion’s air vents. It smelled… well ... it smelled just like a skunk.

Chapter 13: Bradley

Chapter Text

Two crates of strawberry mint swirl was more than satisfying for the little kit. After finishing his treat, he rubbed his very full tummy. Lucky Number 3 wasn’t there, he thought; she would have never let him eat this much. He yawned and stretched his bulldozer paw and his natural paw. It was a yawn that would have sent Kuki over the edge with how cute it was. The day was unusually warm for a late summer/early fall day and the cold from the Ice Cream cooler provided a nice chill. If he didn’t have a job to do this would be a excellent time for a nap.

“Hey! Who are you?! Come out now!”

Whoops. He forgot his mechanical paw could be a little too big and a little too loud.

An Ice Cream man was coming closer. Bradley thought this was an annoyance that ruined an otherwise perfect meal. The skunk did come out, but before the ice cream man could call for help Bradley gave him a swift ZAP with his laser eye.

Number 6 sighed and rubbed the sleep out of his eyes. He pounced onto a pile of crates, used his laser eye to cut a hole in a grate on the ceiling that covered a vent. Not even Number 4 could have squeezed into it, but Number 6 was just the skunk for the job. He dragged his bulldozer arm against the melted grate to form a skunk-sized hole.

It was easy to get in once the grate was off, but his bulldozer arm was stuck in the melted metal from the damaged grate. Bradley muttered a very vulgar skunk swear and pressed a button releasing the bulldozer paw. The metal attachment fell from the ceiling along with the vent cover that had fused to it.

(Hours later a driver would wonder what had shattered the windshield of his ice cream truck.)

Bradley entered the vent and began his journey.

He had the directions programmed into his cyborg eye and it wasn’t long before he reached his destination:the central unit for the entire mansion’s air conditioning.

Bradley was exhausted. The mansion was enormous and the vents were just like a maze. It was quite a trek for a little skunk and especially on a full tummy. Nap time! He told his cyborg parts to wake him when the signal came, curled up into a ball and went to sleep. The gentle hum of the air conditioner was just like a lullaby to the tired little skunk. He began to suck on his paw and fell asleep.

He was awakened by a signal from Number 3. Time to go to work.

He turned around until his tail was right next to the air conditioner that pumped air into the entire building. Now all that was left to do was to just lift his tail and spray.

It was a strong, pungent smell that was like a normal skunk… except Number Two had given Bradly a bionic upgrade to his skunk spray. It made it ten times worse and now that spray was filling the entire mansion. Even the portrait of Grandfather hanging over the fireplace looked repulsed by that smell. Bradley laughed all the way back to the cooler. His job was well done.

Maybe he could celebrate with a little more ice cream…

Chapter 14: Grounds

Chapter Text

The buzz of electricity was still raging though Miracolina as the putrid smell filled her nostrils. For at least a solid minute she thought that her situation had only gotten worse. Not only was she in pain, but now she was gagging, and that wasn’t even the worst part. The Delightful Children had lost the remote to that horrible device, but not before accidentally pressing the voltage all the way up.

Miracolina was in so much pain, the poor girl almost choked on her own spittle.

Everyone else in the dinning room was dazed from the Skunk spray, but Number 4 had a clearer head. The entirety of Sector V had to undergo stink training where they all had to preform task while Number 6’s spray filled a closed-off room. His natural toughness had served him well and although he had blurry eyes and the stench was making him cough, he still had some of his wits about him. Looking around, he saw that the Delightful Dorks had dropped the remote to the girl’s electric probes under their chair where he couldn’t reach it. Even worse, the girl was flailing about and gasping for breath. Without the remote, there was only one option.

“Holy Crud…“ Wally coughed as he staggered towards Miracolina. Why was he doing this? For a cruddy teenage girl he didn’t even know? He saw the girl convulse on the floor, took a deep breath(which was a bad idea because the skunk fumes were already making his eyes sting) and ran right over to her. Without even hesitating, he gave the live wires attached to Miracolina a firm yank. A shooting hot pain jolted up Wally’s arm, making him drop the wires. He hissed out every swear word he knew(some of which he had completely made up).

It was a great relief for Miracolina to have the probes off, but a bad bit of spittle went down the wrong way and she was choking again. In the last minute she had felt the pain of electricity, then the sweet relief of not being shocked, then choking and finally a rough punch to the back as Wally tried to get her to swallow the spit. It worked.

While a stumbling Miracolina gasped for bits of putrid skunk air, another figure was up and active. Number 3 had her signature sweater sleeve over her nose and mouth like a gas mask and was trying to force open a window without uncovering her mouth. She looked at Number 4 and her eyes went huge. He was trying to send the half-conscious teenager over to her.

“Kuki, get her out.” Wally coughed on a mouthful of skunk scent.

Kuki looked at him through her blurry tear-filled eyes. His blonde hair was sticking up at weird angles and even with the tears in her eyes she could see two rows of angry red lines on his hand from the wires. She didn’t want to leave him behind, not here.“

“Wally...”

He looked back at her. “I gotta go get the others out. You know she’s gonna die if she stays here. Now go!“

Miracolina stood up. She was shaky on her feet, but she somehow managed to put her weight against Kuki, who held her up with the practiced skill of a medic. The two were dazed and dizzy, but things got better as they moved slowly towards the window and caught a breeze carrying a breath of fresh air.

Kuki had just propped up Miracolina safely next to the open window when she heard Wally say “I’m going to give these Delightful Creeps the worst wedgie of their lives.”

There was a smile in his voice and Kuki DID NOT like it. Wally could be a bit… Aggressive with his payback. Some kids and a whole bunch of teachers would call Wallabee Beatles as dumb as a brick, but the kid was a prodigy when it came to wedgies.

Number 2 and Number 5 barreled down the stairs as fast as they could. They had taken a shortcut that was much faster than the path that went through Father’s study. They moved fast towards the den where Number 4 was waiting for them at the bottom of the staircase. Everyone was already close to getting sick from the smell.

None of them brought gas masks with them. The plan was to do their job, let Number 6 detonate and then leave in the chaos. Things were not going according to plan.

“What happened?” Number 5 asked, holding her nose in an attempt to block the smell.

Number 4 ran a hand over his mad scientist hair.
“Me and Number 3 got nabbed by Jenkins. We had to call in Bradley.”

Number 4 didn’t even mention the girl in white yet. He already derailed the plan when he summoned Bradley. No need to mention helping a teenager (who was apparently affiliated with the Delightful Children given her outfit), right?

All of them heard cries of pain coming from the dinning room.

“What’s going on in there?” Number 2 asked as the three operatives made a break for the front door.

Numbuh 4 had a devious grin on his face. “Oh, nothing. The Delightful Children are just in a little shock right now, that’s all.“

Number 4’s smirk disappeared when he saw Jenkins curled up in a fetal position with his hands on his face desperately struggling to keep his nose closed. Number 4 lingered behind as Number 2 and 5 opened the front door.

“Hey you cruddy—cough—Butler! Threaten Kuki like that!” Wally kicked Jenkins several times between his legs ; hard . He had to be dragged of by Number 5 had who smiled at Number 4.

“What?“ Number 4 said coughing. “She still owes me that quarter ! “

Bradley escaped from the cooler and was sitting tight just like he was ordered when he smelled Number 3 on the air. Apparently the plan had changed and Number 6 wasn’t just going to leave his teammate (and human mommy) all alone. He followed his nose to just outside of the Delightful Children’s dining room where he saw his Mommy and an older girl laid out on the grass.
Apparently Number 3 was lying when she said that his spray made a pretty smell.

He went over to Kuki and gave her a light nudge with his nose. No response, out cold. He nudged the older girl, who stirred slightly. He sniffed her face trying to identify her smell.

Miracolina sat up, rubbing her head and looked around. For a moment she though she was back at the Cavenaugh mansion, but this place was too well-maintained. Then she remembered.

Groaning, she looked down expecting to see the girl who helped her climb out the window, but instead she was face-to-face with a skunk.

Moments later, every ice cream man on the Mansion’s grounds heard an ear-splitting scream.

Numbers 4, 5 and 2 heard the screams as soon as they stepped off the mansion’s landing and into the front yard. The laser blast from Bradley that came after it was enough to bring them all running. The Ice Cream men came in droves, pouring out of the Mansion no later than half a minute after Bradly sprayed the first time. They had been lingering outside without purpose until they heard the scream.

When Miracolina screamed, they swooped in like vultures, but when they saw the skunk they knew they had a target. It was really lucky that Bradley had bothered to reattach his bulldozer arm because the ice cream men came on so thick and fast that the laser wasn’t enough. Every time a wave of them would come too close, he would sweep them away. Still there were just so many of them…

After just a few minutes, they had him and the two girls surrounded. The little skunk was already panting. How long could he keep this up?

Number 3 finally woke up and drew her ice cream pistol. Miracolina had gotten the idea too and picked up an ice cream riffle that an Ice Cream man had dropped when Bradley tossed him clear over the mansion’s roof . She might not have been trained like Number 3 or her friends, but she fought with the fury of a cornered beast. That’s exactly what they were: trapped animals surrounded on all sides by predators .

Bradley hissed angrily and raised his tail, making the front lines of the ice cream men back up. He was bluffing and he desperately hoped they wouldn’t figure it out. It would be another 10 minutes before his stink recharged and things weren’t looking good.

Then he smelled them. The rest of his family.

Acting purely on instinct, Bradley scooped up Number 3 and Miracolina into his bulldozer arm and catapulted them over the ring of ice cream men and into the rest of the Sector, who caught the two girls before they hit the ground. Then, using his bionic paws, he leaped over the crowd like a motorcycle rocketing off a ramp.

Jumping the shark if you will.

The Ice Cream men were just standing there with wide eyes, stunned to see the world’s first flying skunk. The distraction was just enough time for Sector V to get a head start.

Number 4 was running at top speed, but Number 5 caught up to him, tapped him on the shoulder and pointed at the teenage girl in the white robes.

“Some—cruddy—teenager.“ Wally said, panting. Number 5 looked back at the girl, who Number 3 was helping.

The girl looked weak and tired, but Number 5 instantly noticed she was wearing the exact same white robes as the Delightful Children...

as Rachel....

What was going on?

Numbuh 4 must have misunderstood her silence, because he started apologizing before she could even get a question out.
“I’m sorry Number 5, it’s just those Delightful Dorks were torturing her and I just couldn’t stand it and—“

Number 5 shook her head. “Later, run.”

The truth was, she wasn’t listening. She was too caught up in her own mind trying to connect the dots.

“Where... are...we ... going?” Number 2 wheezed, falling behind Kuki and Miracolina. He stumbled, caught his breath and put on a burst of speed to catch up to the others.

The Ice Cream Men ran after the kids, getting closer and closer. Bradley had taken the lead and to everyone’s horror, he led them right into a brick wall.

“Oh crud!”

Number 4 summed up everyone’s thoughts.

There were around 50 ice cream trucks, over four thousand ice cream men and countless Knightamatons cornering only 6 little figures backed up against a big wall.

Number 4 and 2 were bravely preparing to go down shooting. Number 3 was ready to be a human shield for Miracolina, who was hysterical at the thought of having to go back inside that mansion. But where were Number 5 and Number 6?

That question was loudly answered when the wall that they were backed up against came crashing down. Number 5 held four explosive marbles in her hand with the shards of the fifth one at her feet.

“Never give up.”

She sounded cool, confident and in her element once again.

While the rubble was still crashing down, Number 6 snuck his way to the front of Number 2 and 4’s firing line and directed his rear end to Father’s assembled security detail.

He was fully recharged...

The shock of the Ice Cream men at the explosion was only topped by the smell generating from Number 6’s raised mop tail. The Ice Cream men collapsed in a scene of revulsion on top of each other.

Then Number 5 threw her marbles, not into the crowd, but just in front of them as the five KND operatives and one teenage escapee made their way though the smoldering ruin of the wall. A large crater was right in front of the Ice Cream men’s line and the Knightamatons who would have pursued Sector V(smell or no smell) walked right into the crater. They were safe.

..For now...

Aboard the Scamper Number 4 struggled to explain himself.

“You should have seen what they were doing to her Number 5, it was horrible, me and Kuki couldn’t stand...”

Number 5 sat in the command chair as they flew back to the treehouse. She barely even noticed Number 4 as he was ranting with his mad scientist hair, she had so much on her mind…

Miracolina was in the medbay with Number 3, who was treating her the best she could. Number 5 stood up and began to walk towards the rear, accidentally ignoring Number 4.

“Number 5?”

Abby turned around and put an arm on Number 5’s shoulder. “You did good, sport.” She said with a smile. “You have command, Number 5’s going to check on our guest.”

For the first time since they had escaped the Mansion, Number 5 noticed his frizzy hair and the burn marks. He looked like he stuck his finger in a socket.

“You’ve seen Number 3?”

”She says she’ll take a look at me back at the treehouse.”

Number 5 nodded, gave Number 4 another gentle pat on the shoulder and headed back to medbay.

Number 4 plopped himself down in the command chair that Number 1 used to sit in just a couple of weeks ago. Would it have to be thrown out? Everyone on board smelled horrible and despite Number 2’s assurances that all they would need to get the smell of them in a hurry was a two-hour soak with a special bubble bath, it still stunk. Bad.

But hey, so did Father’s house now.

In the back of the Scamper Number 3 tended to her patient. She had Miracolina on an IV, but the poor girl was in shock. What did the Delightful Children do to her?

The new leader of Sector V stepped through the entrance and looked at the patient’s bed.

“Hi Number 5!” chirped Number 3 cheerfully. She was worried, but she never let that show around a patient.

Number 5 wasn’t fooled. “She’s going to be alright?”

The medic nodded. Number 5 relaxed a little.

Number 3 went to get something out of a cabinet. Not wanting to leave this girl by herself in a strange new place, Number 5 stood next to her. The older girl was breathing steadily, but she looked exhausted(like when Number 1 tried to stay up 6 days in a row, only he at least ate and drank.) She must have been trapped in the Delightful Mansion longer than anyone thought.

The girl moved suddenly, and for a minute Number 5 thought she was having a nightmare(or a daymare?). But she wasn’t asleep. She just rolled over on her side and looked right at Number 5 with a mix of relief and curiosity and maybe something else that Abby couldn’t identify.

Her clothes were stained and torn from the fight, but they obviously used to be pure white. Abby looked at the white robes and wondered why Numbuh 362 was wearing the same robes.

“Rachel Mackenzie.” Abby said softly, taking a seat at Miracolina’s head. She didn’t even realize what she’d said out loud until Miracolina blurted out something she never expected to hear.

“Abby would never let you do this.” Miracolina insisted. Abby jumped in her seat. Wouldn’t let who do what? Who was this girl?

“You know my name?” Abby asked her carefully. Maybe the teenager was just tired and dehydrated. Maybe Numbuh 3 or 4 mentioned Abby’s name to her.

Miracolina blinked a couple of times and sat up. She was shaky and Number 5 almost told her to lay back down. Instead she listened to the desperate girl’s plea.

“Nigel Uno. Stop Nigel Uno!”

TRANSMISSION HIJACKED...

Chapter 15: Miracolina

Chapter Text

Before Miracolina could speak again, Abby put her hands over her mouth. Whatever this malnourished, dehydrated, abused and(most likely) delirious teenager was saying, her team didn’t need to hear it. No telling what the Delightful Children had told her.

“Later,” Number 5 whispered. She looked over at Number 3, who was fiddling around in a medical cabinet and hadn’t been listening to what the older girl was saying.

Trying to get the muffled words out, Miracolina bit down on Number 5’s hand.
“Oww!“ Number 5 took a step back, pulling her hand away.

“Don’t tell me shhh, I said stop Nigel Uno! Stop Nigel Uno! Did you hear me!? You’re his friends and you’ve got to do something and! ...”

Number 3 inserted something in Miracolina’s IV that made her very sleepy. “Goodnight!” Number 3 chirped brightly. Once Miracolina closed her eyes, Number 3 tucked a Rainbow Monkey next to her so she wouldn’t be alone if she woke up while Sector V wasn’t around.

“How long is she going to be out?” Number 5 asked softly. Number 3 glanced at the unconscious teenager and her smile faded. She could stay cheerful for a patient, but she was worried and exhausted from the mission. “Around 9 hours. Do you think Number 1’s okay?”

“Yeah, is he?”

Number 5 looked up and saw the three boys (two human and one skunk kit) crowding around the doorway to Scamper’s small med bay.

Number 5 put on her most convincing smile. “Yeah, Number 1’s cool. You guys should know better than to listen to anyone who’s been the Delightful Children’s “guest” for a couple of hours. No telling what they’ve put into her head.”

That seemed to satisfy Number 2 and Number 4, but Bradley wanted to be held. He tried to climb onto the gurney, but Abby was pretty sure waking up to a skunk in her face twice in one day wouldn’t help the patient, so she let Kuki take Bradley with her.

As for Abby, she stayed with the sleeping girl for the remainder of the flight. The truth was, this girl didn’t seem crazy. Even after whatever happened to her at the Delightful Mansion, she seemed all there...

She would talk to the girl, alone. If something was really wrong with Number 1, the guys were on a need to know basis. Whatever was wrong, they didn’t need to know... at least not yet.

The flight back to Sector V’s treehouse was a quick one. What had started out as a clear sunny day had turned into a rainy mess. Water poured down the windows and thunder crashed somewhere in the sky.

While Miracolina was wheeled down into the Treehouse’s infirmary, Number 5 collected the camera and bug remote from Number 4 before he too retired to the Infirmary to get his hand looked at. She meant to just drop it off with Numbuh 2, but he was frantically turning all his pockets inside out.

“I don’t have it, I don’t have it…” He didn’t notice Numbuh 5 until she tapped him on the shoulder. He let out a yelp and stumbled backwards. “Number 5! I’m sorry—”

“Don’t have what?” She had never seen him look so pale.

“I left the flash drive.”

It took Abby hours to convince him not to go on a solo mission back to the mansion to retrieve his flash drive.

“It’s not worth it. We have the bug in the kitchen. If there’s anything that we need to know about, we’ll hear about it.”

“But we could have learned so much! And our secondary mission was to—”

“I know, find out what Father was doing with the Rainbow Monkeys, but…”

Number 5 got very quiet for a few minutes. “Listen...”

She stood up and looked down the hall for any eavesdroppers. (That was the one problem with being friends with secret agents.) Once she’d made sure nobody else was around, she sat back down.

“You better not tell a single soul, but something’s up. Something bad. First the Delightful Children start wearing those white robes , then Father gets mixed up with Rainbow Monkeys and— that stuff in the lab...”

Both of them shuddered at that memory and Number 5 had to put her hands behind her back. She knew her hands were shaking, she was shaking, just remembering what SHE did.

“Number 5 thinks there’s a connection, and that girl we rescued has more answers than any thumb drive could ever give us.”

“But what about Number 1?” Hoagie asked worriedly. Number 5 decided to let him in on her plan.

“I don’t know, so I’m going to interview her when she wakes up.”

Without warning, Number 5 pulled Hoagie a few inches closer by the straps of his pilot’s googles. “Not. A. Word.”

It was around 2:30 AM when Miracolina began to stir. She had been tranqed before TOO MANY TIMES, and this was very similar to that. Only this time she woke up once again with a little umber girl’s hands pressed tightly against her mouth. Did she not learn the first time?

Miracolina bit her hand again, but the girl kept her hands pressed tightly despite the pain.

“Quietly.” she hissed through gritted teeth as she removed her hands, which had two rows of red marks, one of them oozing blood. Miracolina was about to scream again when the girl cut her off.

“I’m worried about Number 1... but the others… they can’t know, not yet.”

Miracolina gave Abby a death glare, ”Worried about him? Your bald friend is fine. It’s the rest of us who should be worried.“ Before Abby could ask for any more information, the doors to the med bay opened. It was Monty and Jennifer Uno. Number 2 was trying to block their path, but Monty, in all regards, was the bigger man.

“I tried to stop them.” Number 2 said sheepishly. Number 5 clenched her fist hard, making the pain from the bite worse.

“Number 5 told you not to tell anybody! And you went ahead and told his parents?” Number 2 grimaced.

As if some morbid funeral procession, the entirety of Sector V came into the med bay(well, all expect Numbuh 6 and the hamsters, that is. The little skunk went home 3 hours ago and the hamsters were busy powering the treehouse.)

“What’s going on?“ Monty questioned as calmly as possible. His wife was talking to Number 3, asking her about her patient. Number 5 had her head in her hands. This wasn’t what she planned for. She wanted to ask him what in Zero’s name he was thinking, but Number Zero himself was standing right in the room. What the heck did Numbuh 2 tell him to make him come up here so fast? How much did he tell? Memories of the lab overwhelmed her, and before she knew it her hands were shaking again.

Miracolina was silent in the hospital bed. These must be the boy’s parents, they had to be. They spoke with the same British accent and they had the boy’s head shape and ears. Everybody in the room was talking at the same time.

Jennifer’s eyes began to water, and she broke down crying.

“You promised not to tell anybody!” Abby said, trying to swat Hoagie with her hat.

”Why didn’t you tell me ? I’m second-in-command!” Wally demanded angrily. He was trailing after Abby, who was still chasing Hoagie.

Kuki was right next to Mrs. Uno and they were crying together, soaking Kuki’s giant green sweater in tears.

Monty walked through all the chaos over to Miracolina’s bed and took the seat where Abby was sitting just a few minutes ago.

He patiently looked down at his watch and waited a full minute before giving a sharp whistle.

“Please! Everybody just settle down a moment, please.“

Miracolina, who had been watching the events unfold with a certain detached amusem*nt, was shocked at the command the boy’s father had over the situation. He had a gentle voice, but it was still full of strength.
“I’m sure this girl—pardon me, I didn’t quite get your name?”

“Miracolina.” she answered, still groggy from the sedative. She was half expecting what was coming next and had the words halfway from her head to her mouth, but she still felt strangely heavy. The boy’s father nodded.

“Oh. Do you go by Mira or…?”

“It’s Miracolina.“ she answered flatly. He didn’t seem offended at all.

“Oh yes, quite right, quite right. So if you wouldn’t mind, is Number 1–Nigel Uno, our son… is he okay?”

Miracolina took a deep breath and for a moment this man and woman reminded her a lot of her own parents . “He’s alive, but …he needs help. We all need help. It’s a long story.”

Mrs. Uno calmed down and Number 3 patted her shoulder gently. Standing up to move next to her husband, she gave Miracolina an understanding nod. She was trying her best but even with her tears partially gone she was a mother worried for her little boy .

“We’d best hear it, then. Come on kids, gather round. Story time.“ Monty Uno bellowed .

Number 5 felt disoriented. Her team was gathered around a teenager’s bed at the order of an adult—even if it was Number Zero. Everything was different suddenly. The girl—Miracolina—started to tell her story and Number 5 hung on to every word.

“My world is the same as yours in a lot of ways, but well... different, it’s still very different from yours. For one thing, there’s this thing called unwinding...”

ERR0R////O99.44%/—/
//TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED//—...

Chapter 16: Harvey

Chapter Text

2 HOURS AFTER 362 AND 5 MET AT THE CANDY BAR

“It was a very lovely ceremony, Miss Griswold.” Jeff McKenzie said to the passenger in the green dress that reminded him so very much of a snake.

“Yes it was, you’ve raised a lovely daughter. I’m glad to be a part of the process that will help share your daughter with a lot of other people.”

Despite her politely cheerful voice, Jeff gripped the steering wheel so hard that his knuckles went as white as those blasted robes his daughter was wearing.

“Is everything okay, Dad?” Rachel asked because she knew in the back of her mind that everything was not okay. What she was putting her family through was wrong and selfish and everything else; her family would never be the same again. She felt the panic start to rise until her mother softly replied, “Everything is fine, Rachel, it’s just a lot. You—you know we’re going to miss you terribly. But we both know you’re doing a good thing, don’t we honey?”

Feeling calmer, Rachel looked at her dad for reassurance. He looked like he was about to say something, maybe not the right thing, when a shrill voice sounded from the back.

”Dad! We’re getting ice cream after this, aren’t we?” It was Harvey McKenzie, otherwise known as Number 363. He had to sit in the very back because Roberta had taken his usual spot in the passenger’s side. He was not a happy camper tonight.

His parents had both made him go to that stupid ceremony at that stupid church while the rest of his sector was at Lime Ricky’s Bar soaking up the glory from HIS epic defeat of Count Spankula. It wasn’t fair.

Harvey McKenzie worked hard for that capture and had even used himself as live bait to catch the spank-happy vampire(his name was at the top of Spankula’s list of naughty children). But does he get to go out for soda with his sector and celebrate his glory? No! So what if Sector W got the top-priority mission because of who his sister was? He did all the work, and now Spankula was on a transport to their Arctic Prison and Sonia and Lee were soaking up the glory. Meanwhile, he was going home from a stupid ceremony where once again his sister was the center of attention.

“We’ll get your ice cream after we drop off Rachel, Harvey.” his dad said flatly. On a normal day Harvey’s brattiness was an annoyance, but tonight it was a welcome distraction. “Saved by the bell.” Jeff thought, smiling to himself.

Everything about tonight made Harvey angry, from the way total strangers wouldn’t stop fawning over Rachel to the way people came up to him just to say things like “Your sister is so brave” and “I bet you look up to your sister, don’t you?” It was the Cadets Next Door all over again.

When Harvey went though basic KND training, Rachel had just been tagged Supreme Leader and not only did Number 60 go especially hard on him but everyone was asking about Rachel. “Hey Harvey, did you hear about how Number 362 fussed out 86?” “Hey Harvey, I bet you’re proud to have Number 362 as a sister!”

Rachel this and Rachel that. Did Harvey even exist?

Still, though, he had to admit Rachel had advanced his career a lot. He was one of the youngest Sector leaders in the Kids Next Door’s history and he had been getting all the good missions lately, even when there weren’t that many missions to do in the first place. The thought had been turning in his head over and over again. What was going to happen when the lady in green took Rachel away? He curled up in the backseat and stared out the window.

Rachel kept saying he’d be fine. She told him that her successor would look out for him, and even if they didn’t, Rachel assured Harvey that he had the skills to make it on his own. But he wasn’t so sure if she was right or not. Harvey McKenzie was not a very popular operative, powerful, sure, but not very well liked. Sometimes he was convinced that even his own Sector didn’t like him. Rachel had definitely set her little brother up for success. When she was gone, would he face sabotage? He stuck out his tongue at the stupid lady who gave his sister the white robes and a righteous death sentence.

Roberta, who tried to project herself as a model of gentility and kindness, looked back at Harvey and gave him a dirty look. Luckily for him, Rachel saw that look out of the corner of her eye and instantly gave Roberta a look that was ten times worse. If Roberta glared daggers, then Rachel dropped a nuclear bomb.

Roberta backed down. That was one thing about having her as his big sister. As long as Rachel McKenzie was around, you don’t mess with her little brother...

Watching Rachel put Roberta in her place was giving Harvey a bad twisting feeling in his stomach. How many more times would she do that for him? For the rest of the ride he just tried to tune everything else out. He put on his headphones and turned on his favorite Yipper video game. Maybe if he could just play his game he could make himself stop thinking about those eyes and how they wouldn’t be giving dirty looks for him anymore. Her voice wouldn’t be quizzing him on 2x4 technology or Kids Next Door history so he would look good in front of the Kids Next Door Brass. He was going to have to try to comb the back of his head now, even if he could never get it just right, because his sister had the only hands he really trusted near him and now they would be a part of someone else. Rachel said that those hands would be a part of another girl who would walk the Moon Base’s bridge again but Harvey, a cynical little boy at the best of times, scoffed at that idea privately.

A single tear fell on the screen of his console and he wiped it away. Maybe he could pretend he wasn’t crying and he could make himself think his sister wasn’t really going anywhere, it could just be just pretend…

He felt a jolt shake his seat when the mini van pulled into the hotel’s main entrance. It was a massive luxury hotel where Rachel was supposed to stay the week for a tithe’s retreat. It was supposed to be a retreat for the families as well as the tithes, so they could get used to them being gone. Harvey thought a week wasn’t long enough to get used to being an only child.

They all got out of the car to say their goodbyes—except Harvey, who refused to unbuckle his seatbelt. He was in tears and he didn’t want anyone to see him like this. Especially not the Supreme Leader...

Rachel climbed back into the car and sat down next to him so she could hug him. He pulled away and looked up at her with eyes that were already red from crying. He tried to act tough, stoic, maybe even try to convince her to stay, but all he actually got out was a shrill “Don’t touch me!”

His sister blinked. It wasn’t odd for him to say that(Harvey was infamous for not liking to be touched), but Rachel was usually the exception. She gave him a tiny smile that she hoped would comfort him.

“It’s okay Harvey, I’ll miss you too.”

He sniffled and watched her get back out of the van. Either Rachel was trying to cover up her embarrassment in front of the other families (Harvey had screamed VERY loud) or she got the message. She was always good at knowing what was bothering him. He stared at the fancy spinning doors until she disappeared with a group of other kids in the stupid white pajamas.

What was left of the McKenzie family silently drove home on a late summer’s evening. Harvey couldn’t take it anymore. He kept his mouth shut and tried not to care, but he took off his headphones and talked for the first time since they left his sister at the hotel.

“Mom. Dad. You’re not really going to let Rachel do it, are you?”

The two parents looked at each other and then looked at the back seat. Mad at them for abandoning Rachel ,(even if it was her idea) Harvey threw a shoe at the front seat. Normally they would have scolded him, but nobody answered and that scared him even more.

“Well?” Harvey asked, sniffling and shaking and trying not to cry.

“No son, no we’re not. But me and your Mom think that it would be better if it was Rachel’s choice. After this, if she’s still wanting to visit a chop shop then we’ll tell her no.”

“Chop shop?” Harvey asked, still sniffling.

“What they call a Harvest Clinic.”
Hailey McKenzie said flatly. She and her husband exchanged a glance. “Don’t worry Harvey, your sister isn’t going anywhere. Trust us. We know what we’re doing.” The two parents gave each other another knowing look.

Harvey smiled for the first time all day. Rachel was going to be okay. She was going home. He just had to wait. Harvey almost put his headphones back on, but his dad wasn’t done.

“Now how about that ice cream? Rachel said you had a big day and deserve a treat for a job well done. I’m thinking triple scoops?”

It was gonna be okay.

Chapter 17: Miracolina

Chapter Text

Nigel was in the ship’s brig viewing his prisoners. How trusting they were, how naive. A thin smile rose on the bald boy’s face. “Teenagers“ he said aloud. He had never liked teenagers very much.

Risa Ward, Hayden Upchurch and Connor Lassiter, as well as the boy’s parents and brother, were all prisoners. Galactic Command would be pleased. Just as he was about to leave, a weird-looking alien door whizzed open. Two small flying robots that looked like purple toasters carried a girl between them.

Number 1 was about to fuss at his tinny mechanical helpers. They were under strict orders: grab the targets and disappear before anyone asked any questions. They definitely weren’t supposed to pick up another one.

Then the head unit of the toaster robots emerged from the the rear. He saluted with one of his tiny metallic hands and handed Number 1 a letter. He opened the letter and sighed.

Apparently things had changed.

Number 1 gazed at the cell block to see where she would go. That was the only bad thing about these light cruisers:the brig was so very small. He had put the three teenagers in one cell and the parents in the other. He didn’t want to put her with Upchurch and the lovebirds and the letter said they want the girl delivered alive, so the parent’s cell was out of the question (the cell the parents were in , was attached to an air lock which he planned on shooting them out of later. He could risk it, but a certain incident regarding a “blow up the engines button“ came to mind) so that only left one choice...

Chad Dickson, despite his doubts, had made it into the Galactic Kids Next Door…well, he made the go-between agent position. His job was to go between Moon Base and Galactic Head Quarters and be an ambassador of sorts.

“Well, now his job is to keep the middle cell‘s bed warm.” Nigel thought to himself. He had replaced the traitor after a series of tests proved who was the better operative.

The girl could go in there for a bit. The cell was tiny, but it could fit another person in there.

A high-tech communicator began to ring on his visor. A holographic message flashed across the corner of his vision, “INCOMING TRANSMISSION“.

Nigel frowned. Already? He thought he had more time.

Out of all the species in the universe, Humans were among the weakest. That’s why Number 1 had this nifty little wrist control, his holo-visor and the little toaster helpers flying around. The Galactic Kids Next Door takes care of their operatives. Nigel really did appreciate that , and he truly would do anything for them.

Pausing for a second, he sighed and looked into Chad’s cell. The older boy was laying on his cot staring at the celling. A wave of doubt swept over Nigel. This wasn’t right, the Kids Next Door on Earth never would have allowed what was about to happen...

Number 1 pushed that bit of weakness away. This thing had to be done. There was no other option. Number 1 turned away from the cells and began to walk towards the bridge. The little flying droids weren’t following him anymore. Hmm, that was odd...

Miracolina was in a semi-conscious state. One minute she was taking a walk in her neighborhood an hour after her shift at the Soup Kitchen, the next she felt a sting that she knew was a tranq dart and now she was here, being dangled above the ground of someplace very weird.

Some type of boat? That was her first guess until she heard the engines ignite. She was finally staring to wake up when she heard a voice.

“Miracolina? Miracolina, is that you?”

She looked around to see a row of cells and a metal hallway. In one of the cells was Risa Ward.

“Risa?” She asked sluggishly, rubbing her eyes. Miracolina had met Risa(and the infamous Akron AWOL Connor Lassiter)only a handful of times since the All Saints Uprising, but neither of them were even close to forgettable.

All of a sudden Miracolina felt the hard smooth ground of the ship’s brig as the droids holding her dropped her with an audible thud. The droids left her and became busy hovering around the cell on the far left. She stumbled to the cell where Risa was, shaking off the drowsiness on the way.

“Are they Parts Pirates?” Miracolina asked.

“Aliens.” Risa said bluntly. The last 48 hours had been crazy, even by her standards.

“Aliens?” Miracolina asked in disbelief, “Are you sure they’re not just—”

“Aliens.“ Risa said, a little more firmly.

“But how? The boy who was in here was as human as you or me.”

“Who knows?” A voice said from deeper inside the cell. The figure came a little bit closer into the light. He had curly blonde hair and a crooked smile hung on his lips. “All I know is that our extraterrestrial hosts haven’t given us any food in the last two days. Man, for a high-tech space craft the service here sucks.” It was Hayden Upchurch himself, laughing at danger as usual.

“Is Lev…?” Miracolina couldn’t help herself but ask. After all, if they had Hayden and Risa aboard, they must have Lev on board too.

Hayden shook his head. “Sorry, I guess our new alien overlords have a height requirement. Nope, just me, Connor, Risa and now you.“

Miracolina smiled at the mention of Lev’s height, relieved that he wasn’t on this ship too. “Connor?” she called into the cell.

Hayden leaned against the cell wall. “Forgot to mention, he’s out for the moment. But you can leave a message if you’d like.”

Risa gave Hayden a tired-looking glance.

“Where is he?” Miracolina asked, hoping the answer wasn’t something horrible.

“In the lab, every couple of days they take me or Risa or Connor out and hook us up to some type of headband. Then after five hours they bring us back down here.“

Miracolina was about to ask more questions, but two of the little flying robots picked her up by both arms again and raised her off the ground.

“Miracolina!” Risa shouted, trying to reach from the cell door to snatch at one of the toaster droids.

”Tell the bald kid that I want some Spam!” Hayden called after her, earning a dirty look from Risa.

“What? A guy’s gotta eat.”

Miracolina noticed from over her right shoulder that the other droids were grabbing another one of the prisoners. He was a blonde boy maybe a year or two older than herself. He had blonde hair like Lev’s, but his face was harder and he had fierce green eyes instead of Lev’s baby blues. Her droids allowed the boy’s to pass him as they flew up and up. The droids carrying her followed him and she desperately wondered where they were going. She and the blonde boy were separated for a bit, but then joined back together in front of a large metal door. The boy was in chains on a moving platform.

The boy looked up at Miracolina and gave a small co*cky smile. For the first time, she got a good look at him. He was covered in bruises and scratches, with torn clothes that must have once been very cared for. The rings under his eyes showed that he hadn’t been able to sleep very much. His wrists were black and blue from straining against handcuffs and she had to wonder what he’d been through. Before she could try to talk to him, a droid got between them and the platform moved through a door.

She was led to a gallery overlooking a pitch black room. The little bald boy from the cells stood in the middle of the room.

The boy, who was wearing a yellow visor, cleared his throat and began to address an unseen audience.

“Earth. A class G planet. The only one in it’s locality capable of sustaining carbon based life due to it’s abundance of water and atmosphere. Home to over 8.7 million different life forms, the planet’s dominant species is human, of which their are approximately 7 billion. Of that number, more than 3 quarters are over the age of 13. In other words... adults. That’s why I have no choice but to do this.”

No choice? No choice for what? What was this little bald boy going to do just because a lot of the population was over the age of 21? What was going on in this insane asylum? Miracolina began to struggle against her robot guards, but they were stronger than they looked.

There was a wet squishing sound. Did he just pick his nose? He reached for something in the dark.

Suddenly a bright light shone in the pitch black room with the boy from earlier shouting from a platform in the middle.

“No! My family’s there! Your family! Our friends!” The little boy turned to the blonde teenager, who was shackled using some type of laser cuffs. It was then that Miracolina decided she had indeed been kidnapped by aliens. The younger boy almost looked sorry for a minute.

“It’s ruled by adults. Infested. Too far gone.”

Infested by adults? This was like a children’s story gone rotten. Miracolina thought of the her room back in the Cavenaugh Mansion filled with all those movies and books about the evil adults and the plucky young hero who had to stand up against authority. This time it appeared that the plucky young hero was planning doomsday.

The blond-haired boy was still talking.

“What about Sector V? Hoagie, Kuki, Wallabee and Abigail. Abby would never let you do this!”

It was hard to see from so far off, but the bald little boy’s resolve to do whatever terrible thing he was going to do started to waver. Even from up there she saw the doubt and sadness in his eyes. For a moment she thought that there might be some hope, to talk some sense into him, to do something, but then the first computer screen lit up. A bluster of chatter filled up the room as a million screens and voices shouted from over their heads.

“Do you need a reminder of where this one’s loyalties lie?”

“This one reeks of adult!”

“Who was leading your tech department while I was on Earth? Numbuh Moron!?”

“Enough!”

They were weird and distorted voices, but they were definitely young, definitely children... Children could be so cruel sometimes and now the fate of the human race was in the hands of a bunch of alien children?

The blond-haired boy was still trying to talk the bald little boy down. “Don’t do it, Nigel! This isn’t what the Kids Next Door is about!”

The blonde boy tugged on his chains. A great and terrible yellow light shone down brightly, but when he pleaded for his planet’s safety for the last time the light switched off with an angry rumble.

“THE DECISION IS NIGEL UNO’S!” a deep booming voice from overhead rumbled angrily. The little boy in the visor was crying now. Miracolina felt sorry for him for just an instant. She knew the feeling of duty that you didn’t want to do but felt you had to all too well.

The boy stood at attention and saluted. “Galactic Kids Next Door rules!” Nigel Uno took his snot—smeared finger and jammed it into the console. To Miracolina this seemed like a gross and childish gesture, but to all of us, I think we all know what it means...

The Galactic Kids Next Door are coming.

Zero help us all...

Chapter 18: Abby

Chapter Text

After Miracolina finished,
Sector V’s Infirmary fell silent;no one had anything to say.

Mrs. Uno was too stunned to make a sound, but the tears still fell, large but silent. Mr. Uno squeezed his wife’s hand and took a deep breath. “Well… it looks like we have quite the doozy on our hands.”

Number 5 had pulled her hat down over her head about midway through when Miracolina was explaining what unwinding was. It was almost like she’d fallen asleep except for the occasional murmur and groans every now and again that told her and everybody else that Abby was awake and in a state of despair. Suddenly Cree’s little mission to Senator Safely’s house and the mess of other things that were going on with the teenagers was suddenly starting to make a lot of sense.

Numbuh 3 was holding the little red Rainbow Monkey very tightly. She was still crying softly, trying to understand why Number 1 would let this happen. Scenes from the cartoon special flashed in her mind with images of a few kids she’d seen around town in those white robes. This was not good.

Even if she was the most cheerful kid in her sector, Numbuh 3 wasn’t a stranger to adult tyranny. She’d spent her last birthday nearly being fed to sharks after Chester’s new restaurant turned out to be a front, she had the neural suggestion ray tested on her at the Delightful Children’s party… she’d even been hit with tranquilizer darts and woken up in a zoo cage. She was used to seeing people do things to kids to get what they wanted. She always kept smiling since the Kids Next Door could and more importantly was willing to stop whatever bad thing was happening, but she wasn’t smiling now. She was too scared.

“So ... What do we do now?” This came from Wally, who was about ready to run to his room and start packing all the weapons he could find. “Cause you know we’ll come running, right?” He cracked his knuckles, already ready for a fight.

Number 5 let out an audible groan, took off her hat and began to rub her eyes.

“Whatever we do, we’ll do it tomorrow.” Number 3 said, taking Wally’s hand.

Numbuh 2 nodded. “We gotta be ready for this.” The missing flash drive was the last thing on his mind now. He wiped off his pilot’s goggles and put them back on. That clapper attack back at The Point... it wasn’t just a random act of violence was it?

“But what exactly are you going to do?” Miracolina asked.

No answer.

Monty went over to the girl’s bed and lightly patted her hand.

“I don’t know yet, but I can tell you we will come up with something and—“

“Are you going to stop the Galactic Kids Next Door?” she interrupted, dread rising in her stomach.

“Our technology is probably useless compared to what those Galactic guys have.” Number 2 said quietly, hoping no one would hear him (they all did).

Miracolina painfully sat up in her bed. “So that’s it? You’re just going to sit around and let whatever’s coming for your world and probably mine do what it’s going to do? What about your leaders? Can’t you tell them what’s going on?” She was shouting at the four kids and two adults without even realizing it.

Number 5 looked out the window and gazed up at the stars. She murmured something no one else could hear, barely a whisper, then walked back to the bed and for the third time that day put a hand over Miracolina’s mouth.

“Quiet!” Abby whispered in the same soft voice she whispered in at the window. Whether it was because she had already taken two chunks out of Abby’s hand, or because it was sounding like she was going to get some information she wanted to know, she didn’t bite her hand this time. Abby looked around the infirmary to make sure nobody was listening from the outside and to make sure everyone inside was listening to her.

“Number 5 thinks you don’t realize how deep we’re all in already. Rachel Mackenzie, the girl I mentioned, is our Supreme Leader and for whatever reason, her parents are tithing her. And… she wants it. And that’s not all, some weird things have been going on with the teenagers for the past few months.”

Abby pulled her hand away. Once the words sank in, Miracolina went wide-eyed. “But I’ve only been a prisoner of the Delightful Children for a couple of days and I was abducted two weeks ago.”

Abby nodded. “So if that Roberta woman has her claws in Rachel, and if she’s been messing around with the teenagers, how good of a chance would we stand going up to headquarters and reporting what you just told us? Don’t you think she has a plan for any information getting out?”

Monty walked over to Jenny and gently put his arm around her shoulder. He gave Number 5 a wink. Number 5 almost felt confident now. Number Zero, it seemed, was letting her take this one.

Miracolina and the rest of the kids looked downcast again, sinking deeper into despair. But Number 5 was smiling now. “We’ve gotta be all sneaky about this. We’ll monitor what’s going on up on Moonbase and spy on the teenagers, and then when the time is right we’ll get them.“

Hoagie raised his hand.
“But what about Number 1?”

Abby felt a chill run through her again. “We’ll worry about it when the Galactic Kids Next Door show themselves. Number 5 thinks if we buy Ol’ Nigie a snow cone he’ll cool his butt down a little bit.”

The Sector Leader was smiling and she had the entire room laughing at that last remark . She spoke nonchalantly, but (just like in the mansion earlier that same day) she kept her hands clasped tightly behind her back to stop them from shaking. She then turned to Miracolina. “If we could get you back to your world, is there anybody who could help us out?” Miracolina nodded tiredly. Even with the sedative almost out of her system, she was still worn out.

Numbuh 5 turned back to her team. ”Number 2, figure it out.”

Jennifer Uno stepped up holding her husband’s hand. “I think we have the perfect solution. Back in the day we used to prank call teenage aliens in other dimensions—”

Miracolina burst out laughing at that. This world was so strange, but intergalactic prank calls sounded like something out of a BAD science fiction movie. Still, it just might be what both of their worlds needed.

Number 5 couldn’t help laughing a little too. It felt like forever since she’d really been able to laugh at something. “Tomorrow if you and Mrs. Un.. I mean Number 999 can take care of that, then maybe the rest of us will pay a visit to Number 362’s parents.”

Numbuh 5’s much-needed burst of laughter was gone now. She was furious at Number 362’s parents for giving up their daughter— and overwhelmed with guilt for not pressing Rachel for details back at the Candy Bar. Looking back on their accidental meeting was like a punch in the stomach.

“…even when I’m not exactly Number 362 anymore…”

If she’d known, could she have said something to talk her out of it?

“Number 362?” Miracolina asked, snapping Number 5 out of her racing thoughts.

“Our Supreme Leader. I’m Number 5 and that’s Two in the pilot goggles, Three’s wearing the green sweater and Number 4’s the short one.”

“Hey!” Number 4 protested.

Miracolina laughed again. The little blond boy(Number 4, she reminded herself) really did remind her of Lev.

“What’s so funny, you cruddy teenager?” Wally said furiously.

“I’m sorry, it’s just— you remind me a lot of my boyfriend!“

Wally turned bright red as he saw a flash of Miracolina’s pretty green eyes in the darkness. Kuki went bright red too… for a different reason. Well, somebody needs another dose of sedative, she thought.

Number 5 turned to Miracolina again. “You get some sleep, you have a lot of phone calls to make. Come on, guys.“

It was decided that once Miracolina was well again she would stay at the Uno’s house. Number 1’s parents offered to let her stay as long as she needed. She kept thanking them for their offer in between yawns until Number 3, who seemed to be a medic, reminded everyone that the patient needed sleep.(Judging by how the smaller girl kept rubbing her eyes with the ends of her sweater, she must have been really tired too.)

Around midnight, Miracolina’s visitors were filing out. First Number 1’s parents left to go back to their house, then Number 4, who insisted he wasn’t tired, fell asleep on the floor. After barely managing to carry him back to his room without waking him up, Numbers 2 and 3 went to bed.

Number 5 was about to try to get some sleep, but Miracolina called out to her come back. “Before I was handed over to Roberta, someone—an alien—gave me this.“

She held out a little scrap of paper with coordinates to call.

“She’s a Member of the Galactic Kids Next Door, but she says she wants to help.”

The paper had weird numbers written on it, but what really stood out was a single English name written on it in all capital letters.

“DEVINE.“

With the promise of a mission to come and a lot of planning in the morning, Sector V drifted back to their rooms and had horrible nightmares of unwinding and Nigel and the Galactic Kids Next Door. All except Abby, who found she couldn’t even lie down to try and go to sleep. After a patrol of the treehouse, she found herself in Number 1’s old room sitting at the window seat with the boy’s sunglasses and a picture of Sector V eating ice cream. She stared up into a beautiful starry night, where somewhere out there her former leader—there had been no better friend or operative— was plotting doomsday. She repeated a question, the same question that she whispered staring out the window earlier...

“Nigel Uno… What have you done?”

Chapter 19: Rachel

Chapter Text

They say that old habits die hard, and for Rachel McKenzie, retiring Supreme Commander of the Kids Next Door, that rang very true. She was different from the other kids at the hotel, tougher, more outspoken. All the other tithes seemed to flock to her for her advice or came to her with their problems. She tried to stop being Number 362 of the Kids Next Door and become a tithe, but somehow she was finding it very difficult.

Her first kid was her roommate, Sarah. She was a mousy girl a year older than Rachel, but as far as Rachel was concerned she could have been a newly graduated Cadet Next Door who was lost on the bridge. She was shy and timid and she came from Roberta’s world. That’s the way things were done at the hotel. A newly-made pearl(as the counselors and preachers liked to call the kids who were scheduled to be tithed in Rachel’s world) were to be roomed with a kid from Roberta’s. The idea was for the new tithes to learn from the older ones.

“Most of these children should have already been tithed, but as I already informed you, the Teenage Uprising in my world almost robbed them of the honor.“

Children. Besides the handful of kids from her world and two twelve-year-olds from Roberta’s home, everyone here was 13 or 14. Were teenagers kids? Rachel used to wonder about that, but not anymore. Sarah was definitely a kid and that Friday night she proved it.

After supper and a couple hours of playing, everyone had retired their rooms. Sarah and Rachel were getting ready for bed and Rachel was about to turn off her light when she heard crying from the bathroom.

“Sarah? Are you okay?” Rachel knocked on the door, but all she could hear was more crying . “Sarah, come out. I’m here and it’s okay.“ The soft tone of voice lured her out. The older girl opened the door and sat down next to her bed.

“It’s my eyes.” Sarah said sniffing back a sob. Rachel, who had heard this excuse from Wallabee Beatles, Patton Drilovsky, Nigel Uno, and Fanny Boss just hugged her and gently said, ”It’s not your eyes, Sarah. Now what is it?“

Sarah wiped the tears of her cheek. “No, it’s my eyes. They aren’t good enough.“

“What?“

When Rachel realized what Sarah meant, she felt her stomach do a flip. This girl was worried that her eyes weren’t good enough for donation?

Sarah sniffled again, looking just like a scared cadet. “We’re tithes, we’re supposed to be the best of the best! We’re not unwinds. Our parts are supposed to be perfect.”

“Unwinds?” Rachel asked, confused. It was the first time she’d ever heard that word.

Sarah looked just as confused. “You know, kids who are so horrible that their parents send them away to be harvested.” She said it so calmly, like she was talking about a dentist appointment.

Rachel continued to hold Sarah and comfort her. Luckily her experience as Supreme Commander allowed her to focus on the task at hand. She needed to calm Sarah and she did so beautifully.

Rachel told her that there was nothing wrong with her at all. “Someone is going to be lucky to have those eyes, I promise. They’re some of the prettiest eyes I’ve ever seen.” Then Rachel gave Sarah her Rainbow Monkey that she brought with her and Sarah went to sleep that night without a single worry on her mind.

Rachel may have acted like everything was fine, but she was shocked. Harvest a teenager’s organs for bad behavior? When Roberta had first shown up at her school she warned of a great teenage uprising, a bloody and horrible war that would sweep though this world if Roberta didn’t help the Kids Next Door get ready for it. Roberta was supposed to be on the Moon Base on Tuesday to go over all the details. That’s one thing that had been bugging Rachel for the last two days. Roberta had become increasingly controlling and kept paying her a little too much attention.

At first Rachel always talked to her at dinner and looked forward to spending time with her. In her mind, she had found a new purpose as a tithe(at least that’s how it felt at first) because of Ms. Griswold. Recently though she had become more strict and started treating Rachel more like her subordinate than she had any right to.

Saturday morning started with a gourmet breakfast, but Rachel didn’t have very much to eat. She had way too much on her mind for a big breakfast .

When the daily group therapy session started, Rachel asked Roberta, who was leading a group activity, a question that was bugging her all morning.

“Miss Griswold? What’s an unwind?”

Some of the kids from Roberta’s world fidgeted, but Roberta smiled and said brightly “Unwinding is the process of harvesting you, dear. It’s what we called it back in our world.”

“But what is an unwind?” Rachel asked flatly. She had used that tone of voice before when dealing with an operative who was trying to cover up some mistake. Roberta just stared back at her for a minute until a boy from Roberta’s world cut in.

“That’s a kid who’s parents chose to send in for harvesting, only they’re not like us...” The kid was about to continue but Roberta cut him off, ”There are some children who aren’t well adjusted. They act out and hurt people, but you all don’t need to worry about those kinds of children “.

Rachel looked up at her. “You mean teenagers, don’t you?”

Roberta smiled back her perfect smile. ”Of course, Rachel, dear, teenagers.“
Rachel secretly thought the perfect row of pearly-white teeth looked very shark-like at the moment.

After the group was done they had a another excellent meal and then Rachel and the other tithes were left to their own devices. The hotel had an arcade, a swimming pool, mini golf and a whole bunch of other things that would keep any kid entertained. Rachel wandered from activity to activity trying to be interested in SOMETHING but she felt restless. She eventually decided to go hang out at the pool.

She grabbed a white towel and started to sit down in a pool chair when she heard a voice(actually, more like five voices talking in a chorus) coming from the middle of the water.

“Well well well…if it isn’t Number 362, the illustrious leader of the Kids Next Door.“

Rachel sat bolt upright. The Delightful Children from Down the Lane were floating in the middle of the pool on a dragon pool raft that looked suspiciously like Father. They were all wearing white bathing suits and the boy with the football helmet still wore it even in the pool. Normally Rachel would have been less than pleased to see the Delightfuls, but today seeing them was actually kind of… comforting.

“Hey guys,” Rachel said with a little smile “so you’re all tithes too, huh?“

The Delightful Children exchanged surprised looks, shocked that Number 362 herself was not only here in white robes just like theirs, but was so laid back about this. Maybe she wouldn’t be so bad to talk to. Just for now.

“Yes, we are.”

They gave their best shot at a proud smile, which looked more like a wince. This was something they should act happy about… Right ? Father wanted this, so they did have to do it.

Rachel smiled ruefully, ”Well, looks like Father did something good for a change.”

The Delightful Children suddenly looked down at this. The Supreme Leader probably didn’t know she struck a nerve. Why should she? This was a good thing. They should be ashamed of themselves for not wanting it to happen(except of course they were fine with it since Father said so, right ?)

Something occurred to Rachel. When she and Number 5 were back at the Candy Bar, Roberta already knew the Delightful Children were tithes. Time to get to the bottom of this.

”Does Roberta know Father?”

The Delightful Children must not have liked that question very much. All of a sudden Bruce pressed a secret button on the dragon floatie and out of the dragon’s mouth emerged a water cannon.

“I think the idea of coming to the pool if you’re not even going to get wet is a little foolish, don’t you think, Number 362?”

Before Rachel could answer, the Delightful Children sprayed her, laughing with fiendish glee.

They aimed the water cannon again, but the target was nowhere in sight.

“Hey where did she go?“ The Delightful Children said in unison. As if to answer their question, all five of them felt a cold spray of water coming from behind them.

What ensued was the mother of all water fights. It was The Delightful Children’s fancy dragon and ruthlessness versus Rachel’s agility and speed. The Supreme Leader nimbly darted around the room blasting with water guns and pelting them with balloons. The Delightful Children couldn’t keep up, but even Rachel had a limit and she was panting from running so much. After making another attack run with a particularly good shot that knocked Constance’s glasses off, she stopped to catch her breath. How long could she keep this up? Not only was she getting tired, but she was running out of ammunition. Only two water guns and a handful of water balloons remained.

Stopping to hide was a big mistake because the Delightful Children were busy reloading their dragon, which sprayed a burst of water that was strong enough to destroy a wicker footstool. Rachel barely avoided being pulverized by the flood and crouched down behind the hot tub, still panting from the chase.

“Alright,” she thought “this is getting dangerous. They’re not playing anymore. They actually want to hurt me.“

Looking around for something, anything, Rachel found her answer. She grinned with excitement.

The Delightfuls looked around for their opponent, smiling mischievously. This was the most fun they’d had all week. It just felt good.

“What’s the matter, Number 362? Can’t handle a little water?”

No response.

“Well, what do you know? It looks like being a tithe is finally starting to wear off on you. What’s wrong? Afraid someone will get a part of you that’s waterlogged?”

Rachel didn’t answer. Instead she made a calculated dash to the far side of the pool area and reached for the hose that the hotel used for cleaning the pool. It was a standard garden hose… but it had all kinds of different settings, like spray or mist. She clicked the dial until it landed on Jet.

While the Delightful Children were distracted, Number 362 took aim. Instead of aiming for her enemies, she primed a shot for the dragon floatie.

The water pressure was definitely not as strong as the Dragon’s water cannon, but it was enough to blast the group across the pool. One hard hit of the rubber against the edge of the diving board did the trick. Before the Delightful Children knew what was happening, they heard a pop and in a matter of seconds they were scurrying out of the pool.

Ashley’s hair was soaking wet and she lost her hair bow, Constance looked miserable, Bruce and David were dejected in their defeat and poor Lenny was dumping pool water by the gallon out of his football helmet. Rachel began to laugh. She just couldn’t help herself. It wasn’t because her infamous enemy looked liked a bunch of drowned white rats(although that didn’t exactly hurt). It was a laugh of relief. Rachel needed a release after holding everything together for so long. The laugh echoed all through the room and it was contagious, for just as soon as the Delightful Children gave her a death glare, they took up the laugh too. If Sector V or any of the other operatives who had to face the Delightful Children on a regular basis could have seen this, they would have been shocked.

It was so surprising because the laughter that came from the Delightful Children wasn’t maniacal at all, just innocent and childish and the last thing you would have expected from the Delightful Children From Down the Lane. The six kids laughed until their sides were sore and Rachel threw them a towel to dry off.

“You guys put up a good fight.” Rachel said, sitting beside the Delightfuls and wringing out her hair. Constance shook the water droplets off her glasses and put them back on.

“Thank you. You did alright too…for a Kids Next Door operative.“

Rachel smiled in spite of herself, “Thanks, guys.“

In the hot and humid air of the pool room, without saying a word, the Delightful Children and Rachel had an understanding.

This might be Rachel’s best chance to get the answer. Shedecided to go for it.

“So how exactly does Father know Roberta?“

The Delightfuls looked at one another, and were about to say something when Roberta came barging though the door. She scolded “So there you children are!”

Rachel thought that included her, but to her relief the brunt of Roberta’s rage was directed at the Delightful Children.

There was venom in Roberta’s voice as she went on. “I thought I told you to check in as soon as you got to the hotel. I gave simple instructions: when your Father drops you off, go and see Pastor Fred and he was to direct you to me. What part of that was so difficult to understand?”

“Hi, Miss Griswold.” Rachel said timidly. She was a Kids Next Door operative and it was her duty to try to take the heat off of kids who were getting it bad from an adult, even if the kids were a pain.

Roberta noticed Rachel in the room for the first time since her furious entrance into the pool area. Her lips pursed. For a moment Rachel thought she was going to get it too, but instead the ruby red lips opened slightly to reveal a smiling set of perfect pearly whites.

My Master Sauron the Great bids thee welcome,Rachel thought.

Roberta gently put a hand on her soaking wet shoulder. “Oh, hello Rachel, dear, I didn’t see you there. Tell me, have the Delightful Children from Down the Lane been playing nice with you?”

Rachel stepped in front of the broken wicker stool and hoped the ceiling wasn’t still dripping. “Yeah.“

Rachel tensed up and felt an anxiety spell coming on again. She suddenly wanted to get out of there. Roberta gave her another motherly nod.

”If you don’t mind, Rachel darling, I would like to have a word with them alone for a moment. Why don’t you run along and play?”

Like a frightened kindergartener, Rachel scurried out of the pool area. The nervous feeling in her stomach was a full-scale anxiety attack now. Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears and her mind was racing. She forced herself to take a deep breath.

“Hi, Miss Griswold.” Rachel said timidly. She was a Kids Next Door operative and it was her duty to try to take the heat off of kids who were getting it bad from an adult, even if the kids were a pain.

Roberta noticed Rachel in the room for the first time since her furious entrance into the pool area. Her lips pursed. For a moment Rachel thought she was going to get it too, but instead the ruby red lips opened slightly to reveal a smiling set of perfect pearly whites.

“My Master Sauron the Great bids thee welcome.“ Rachel thought.

Roberta gently put a hand on her soaking wet shoulder. “Oh, hello Rachel, dear, I didn’t see you there. Tell me, have the Delightful Children from Down the Lane been playing nice with you?”

Rachel stepped in front of the broken wicker stool and hoped the ceiling wasn’t still dripping. “Yeah.“

Rachel tensed up and felt an anxiety spell coming on again. She suddenly wanted to get out of there. Roberta gave her another motherly nod.

”If you don’t mind, Rachel darling, I would like to have a word with them alone for a moment. Why don’t you run along and play?”

Like a frightened kindergartener, Rachel scurried out of the pool area. The nervous feeling in her stomach was a full-scale anxiety attack now. Her heartbeat was pounding in her ears and her mind was racing. She forced herself to take a deep breath.

When Rachel was out of earshot, Roberta put on a sickly sweet grin for the Delightful Children From Down The Lane. The Children shivered, but Roberta kept smiling.

“You five are very naughty children and you don’t deserve the gift that has come for you from Pastor Fred and the esteemed families of my world.”

Into the pool area rolled a wheelchair pushed by two strange-looking guards. Strapped to that chair sat a girl of 14 maybe 15 years of age. She had raven-black hair and bright green eyes that were glaring at her captor. Roberta gently ran a manicured hand through her tangled hair.

“A fallen tithe, poor thing, but I know how delightful you are all and I think you would be the best ones to set this girl back on the right path. You will be going home to prepare for the party and to rehabilitate this girl. Her name is Miracolina Roselli.”

The Delightful Children got the message. They began to laugh, and their laughter was not innocent and childish anymore. This timeit was sinister and evil ...

Ineed to gosomewherequiet. Rachel thought. Stupid coward! ‘ Hi Miss Griswold ‘. Of all the idiotic things to say. You might as well painted a target on their backs. Why are you scared of her? You weren’t scared of Father, were you? Why were the Delightful Children so scared?

Rachel was panting now. Her heart was racing like she just ran 10 miles. She couldn’t take it. She crouched down on the floor and tried to get the whole room to stop spinning. She mumbled to herself without knowing it. “Stay calm, Rachel. Don’t make a scene.“

But she was already making one. By this point she was sitting on the floor in the lobby and had attracted attention from the six or seven kids there and three or four adults.

“Are you okay, Rachel?”

”You looked flustered, honey, do you need to talk?“

“What happened?”

By Zero, it was the Moonbase bridge all over again. She forced herself to get back on her feet and gave the worried crowd a fake smile.

“Yeah, no I’m good really, just been running is all, no I’m not in the mood to play mini golf.”

She just gave everyone the best answers to make them stop worrying. This surprisingly calmed her down too. It was exactly like the Moonbase all over again! And Rachel McKenzie already knew how to handle that. A typical tithe would have had his or her butt in a pastor or counselor’s office or sent to have some mandatory fun with the other kids. Rachel, on the other hand, was able to get everyone off her case and before she knew it she was face down in her hotel bed letting out an audible sigh.

For the first time since Rachel brought copies of the paperwork home in her backpack, she wasn’t sure if she wanted to be a tithe anymore. As a matter of fact, this whole operation was starting to look very suspicious. Her parents didn’t want this, her brother didn’t want this and she’d lied to Number 86 about her plans for her birthday to avoid the redhead’s fury…or hurt.

She needed to uncover whatever was really going on. When she was back on Moonbase, she would open an investigation. Anyone who scared the Delightful Children has to be bad news, right?

Until she had total confidence, she’d just have to fake it for a week.

She felt another weird sensation in her stomach, but this one wasn’t the start of a panic attack. She laughed to herself when she remembered that she hadn’t eaten anything since lunch.

Time to head downstairs and grab a snack. She was wondering if there were any ginger cookies left when her suitcase started buzzing.

Locking her door and darting across the room, she opened up her suitcase. She dumped out the folded white robes and pressed a hidden button to reveal her top-secret stash of weapons and 2x4 technology(she was the Supreme Commander and it wouldn’t be smart to go anywhere without the tools to do her job) and a buzzing spy phone.

Who the heck was calling her emergency phone instead of going to the Moonbase? That could only mean there was something really wrong. The phone suddenly stopped buzzing.

She opened the secret KND communication smart phone and saw it was Number 274! She was getting more and more nervous about this.

She took a deep breath and opened the file—/-//-////////
/////////
//ERROR///
//TRANSMISSION—HIJACKED/?///
RECONNECTING…

Chapter 20: Abby

Chapter Text

A clear blue and muggy morning greeted Sector V’s treehouse. The rain last night had made everything damp and hot.

“A perfect day to go to the beach.” Number 5 mused as she sat in the kitchen eating a bowl of rainbow munchies. After Number 1 left, she was usually the first one up. She was about to read the Official Kids Next Door newspaper, but just then Number 4 stumbled into the kitchen and with sleep still in his eyes poured himself a bowl.

Although Wallabee Beatles hated the Rainbow Monkeys with a passion, even he had to admit their cereal kicked some serious butt. Sector Leader and Second in Command said very little as they ate their breakfast, which suited both of them just fine. Neither were in the mood to talk on most mornings and on mornings like this the two felt they could have a bit of a breather.

Wally grunted for the milk, so Abby handed it and grunted back. She flipped through a copy of the Kids Next Door newspaper and was quite alarmed at some of the headlines.

“Better A Tithe Than A Teen”

“Teenage Siblings: when it’s okay to tell an adult instead of trying to deal with it yourself.”

“Juvies: the teenage enemy, not ours!”

It was starting. Whatever that Roberta woman was up to, she had already infiltrated the Kids Next Door. Abby shuddered, flipping the page. The next news story filled her with more curiosity than fear.

“Famous Candy Pirate Captain White Coat to voyage to the Candy Round, where he made his Fortune. Henrietta Von Marzipan to serve as quartermaster.“

Abby smiled at that last part, “Good for her“ she thought with a smile. The Candy Route was a stretch of coastal territory along The Red Sea where the richest Sugar Sultanas of the East moved their wealth of sugar. It was dangerous route which most Candy Pirates didn’t even mess with. Why try to rob heavily armed big ships on a salty ocean where you could rob the suburbs?

Because it was the most profitable route any Candy pirate could ever take! White Coat had been infamous for taking not one, not two but three galleons laden with Turkish Delight that was worth more than any other prize before or since. The infamous Pirate had been only thirteen at the time and had lived a king’s life, his only true rival being Sticky Beard himself.

“Old Sticky Buns, for all my time at the Candy Bar lately I haven’t seen him, need to pay him a visit later.“

As Abby was musing over Candy Pirates, Miracolina stumbled into the kitchen, took a closer look at the cereal box and gave an audible sigh.

“Rainbow Monkeys! Really? Is that all this world is made out of?“ Miracolina sat down with another sigh, looking morosely at the cereal box.

Number 5 looked up from the paper. “Number 5 takes it that you’re not the biggest fan of Rainbow Monkeys.”

“Number 5 takes it that you’re not the biggest fan of Rainbow Monkeys.“ she said with a wry smile.
Miracolina shook her head.

“Ever since I got here it’s been Rainbow Monkey this, and Rainbow Monkey that, everybody has something Rainbow Monkeys and look!” Miracolina held up a Rainbow Monkey that had been tucked in beside her by Number 3. “ I’m just so sick of Rainbow Monkeys. They’re just so , so , s—”

“Stupid?” Number 4 interrupted, grinning excitedly.

”Well, I was going to say
saccharine, but now that you mention it, Rainbow Monkeys are pretty stupid.“

“What does saccharine mean?” Wally asked.

Number 5 was about to answer when Miracolina held up a hand. ”Oh you know, cloying, soft, overly emotional, The Rainbow Monkeys.“

Wally laughed at that and Miracolina laughed too. Numbuh 4 pounded his fist against the table, shaking the cereal bowls.

“Rainbow Dorkys are saccharine! That’s a good one!”

“Rainbow Dorkys? Is that what you call them?”

“Yeah, Rainbow Dorkys, and if you’re going to live around here you better get used to them. There was one time where it was raining cruddy Rainbow Monkeys!”

“You’re joking, right?”

“Wish I was. Number 3 picked up all the ones she could carry and brought them inside!”

Miracolina smiled. ”Did any of them fall on their heads?”

Another round of laughter. Wally had tears streaming down his face as he pretended to be a Rainbow Monkey falling from outer space right on its head, but they were soon interrupted by Number 3 clearing her throat.

“Good morning.” Kuki said, glaring. Wally thought that she was staring at him when really she was staring more at their teenage guest.

“Someone’s in trouble.“ Number 5 cackled through her newspaper. Kuki said nothing as she poured the milk into her cereal.

Breakfast continued in silence as Kuki practically stabbed at her Rainbow Munchies. Miracolina grabbed a bowl and got Wally’s attention as she bit the head off a Rainbow Monkey-shaped bit of cereal. Wally giggled, Kuki said nothing. This was all very amusing to Number 5 as she flipped though the funnies.

“Where’s Number 2?“ Abby thought to herself until a horrible thought ran through her mind. She had the terrible idea that maybe he had gone back after the thumb drive after all, but just as Number 5 was about to check his room(and if need be, drag his tubby butt back to the treehouse by his goggles) Hoagie P Gilligan made his appearance.

The boy was wearing his fedora hat and that stupid green clip-on tie he always wore when he played detective.

On most days Abby would let out a sigh at the thought of one of his big detective speeches, but she was too relieved that he wasn’t at the Delightful Mansion all alone. Number 4 and 3 looked up and so did Miracolina with a bit of curiosity.

“Guys, I have some good and bad news.“ Number 2 announced, tilting his fedora up dramatically. The atmosphere in the room, which at been relaxed despite Number 3’s anger at Number 4 and Miracolina, suddenly became very tense. Was it about the Delightful Children— or even worse, Number 1?

Number 2 took a deep breath, letting the rest of the Sector hang on his every word. “Good news is that I did some shifting though the Kids Next Door communication grid and I think I found this Agent Devine’s contact. Oh and also I was on the phone with the Kid earlier. He says he’s been doing some scouting and there’s something big going on down on Chicken Pox island, lot of build up. The Kid thinks that they’re going to move against the Juvies soon.“

“Man, Chicken Pox Island… that is some bad news.” Number 5 murmured softly, thinking of her sister. The Teen Ninjas were pawns, she had decided(well they WERE ALWAYS Father’s pawns), but unwitting pawns this time. Poor Cree, would she believe her when she told her the truth?

“And now for the bad news—”

“Bad news? A force of Teen Ninjas massing for a big action isn’t the bad news?”

Number 2, who was unusually unfazed, simply said “Harvey Mackenzie and Sector W are coming over right now.”

A collective groan went through the room at the mention of Rachel’s little brother.

Miracolina had no idea what they were talking about. “Who’s Harvey and is he really worse than an island named after a disease?”

When they explained it to her, Miracolina lit up. “Ask him, ask him!” she said excitedly, suddenly seeming more awake then before. “His big sister’s being tithed, he’ll probably tell more than his parents ever will.”

Number 5 flinched. Looking at the teenager’s eyes, she saw a knowing expression that gave her a terrible feeling that Miracolina was all too familiar with the ways of families who tithed.

Abby looked down, avoiding the teenager’s gaze.

Miracolina nodded and began walking towards the staircase, still unsure if she was going to listen to Abby or not. “Ask him!” she called over her shoulder, and Abby gave her a nod back.

With Sector V scrambling around, Abby felt like she should say “Kids Next Door, Battle Stations!”

But there was no battle (although dealing with Harvey Mackenzie was probably ten times worse than any battle. Some kids swore that even dealing with Grandfather would be better...)

Chapter 21: Chad

Chapter Text

The luck of Chad Dickson seemed to change on a dime. One minute he was Supreme Leader of the Kids Next Door, the next minute he was in a cell awaiting decommissioning, the next he practically ran the Teen Ninjas and then he was back in the Kids Next Door as a secret TND operative. What he told Nigel that day of the false treaty with the teens was ‘ mostly’ true. Chad had helped Sector V on numerous occasions, but other times, the times he’d rather lay hidden in the darkest parts of his mind and forgotten, he was what he appeared to be; a rotten teenage punk.

Remember the secret plot at Gallagher when he tried to enslave the entire school? Or how about the first time he detached the Moonbase? There was no calculation there. Only a scared little boy who was very, VERY desperate...

Almost as desperate as he was now, stranded on some island in the middle of the Mediterranean. He had barely escaped the submarine. That girl in white who was dragged off would have called his escape a miracle.

He put his hands in his jacket’s torn pockets.
“Stupid kid.“ he muttered to himself. No miracle at all, Chad was the best. Simple as that. He did what he had to do to make it out of there.

Now he was lying on a beach on a sandy, rocky speck of earth, no flora, no fauna, no water...

He would be rescued. He was sure of it. Help was coming, so all he had to do was wait and stew.

Try not to move. Try not to expend too much energy. Zero, it was so hot.

Is there anything he could have done to prevent this? His mind drifted to the Gihugeacarrier. His little stunt surely didn’t help his relations with Nigel. He’d known that kid since he was a cadet; he saw the pride in his eyes.

The kid had just lost his hair. He had such great hair before he was kidnapped by those Delightful creeps, but Nigel Uno didn’t care. All that mattered was that he was a Kids Next Door operative.

The way that kid looked him in the eye as he shook his hand...

Number 274 was his hero, and Chad had let him down. He couldn’t convince him to do the right thing. Not even the names of his Sector brought him back. Was there any hope in saving him? No, probably not.

That was the logical thing to say, the logical thing to go off of, but logic, it seems, brings a boy nothing but pain. It was logical to turn traitor, it was logical to change sides again and it was logical to get involved with the Galactic Kids Next Door.

Had he been a good Supreme Leader? In Chad Dickson’s mind he was the best individual Kids Next Door operative in history. Better than Zero, better than One Hundred, better than Number 1. The question still banged at his head like a unwelcome visitor, was he a good Supreme Leader?

Yes. He was good, he did the job well, paper got pushed and sectors were where they needed to be. He did the job, but looking back on it now, with the sun pounding on him and his lips parched from dehydration, he felt he could have done better. 362 was better at the job than him... 362!

She didn’t know! Didn’t know that the greatest threat in the history of the Kids Next Door and the whole entire world was heading right for them!

Quickly, without thinking, he opened his phone. 10 percent... This phone was his only ticket off the island, since his recusers were pinging him. If the phone died then he may very well die too, which means that the others trapped aboard the sub would be stuck with no help.

He took a deep breath, opened his phone and began to dial the number. Beep, beep. And then she was on screen. Number 362 looked shaken, like she’d just been in battle, but her pristine(if dripping) white clothes said otherwise.

He had to get out as much information out before his phone died. “Warning! Galactic Kids Next Door rogue, Nigel Uno rogue. Proactive Citizenry is evil—“

And then Chad’s phone died. And now Chad was going to die... It had been exhausting getting out of Nigel’s sub and he was thirsty and sunburnt and he was just so tired… He couldn’t keep his eyes open another second. A wave of dizziness knocked him unconscious after that...

“Man, you don’t look so hot.” Chad opened his eyes to see a teenager…no, not a teenager, but a young man in his mid twenties. His face was that of an angel, but that voice didn’t match at all. He sounded like Chuckie’s voice, a nasally surfer boy whine.

“Water ...” Chad croaked, but the man just laughed. He began to walk away, but Chad grabbed hold of his ankles.

“Get off of me dude, I don’t steal people’s lunch and right now it looks like the buzzards are going to be eating good tonight.”

Using what might have been the last vestiges of his strength, Chad held on to the stranger with the mismatched face and voice.

“What’s your name?” Chad said weakly, his voice fading away but his grip growing tighter. The man looked down at Chad, suddenly more frightened than he had been in a long time. The fire in Chad’s eyes brought the fear of God into the young man.

“Argent ... Argent Skinner ...” he said with a small shudder, finally escaping Chad’s grip. “Argent Skinner, I’ll remember that.” Chad said, loud enough for the stranger to hear as he ran to get away from the boy with the vice-like grip and nightmare eyes.

A few seconds later, more darkness washed over the tired, stranded boy…

“Boy, son. Looks like someone needs a steak and a tall glass of root beer.”

Dad!

Chad opened his eyes to see Mega Mom and Destructo Dad, his supervillain parents who wore giant replicas of their own real life heads. Usually he was embarrassed by his doting evil parents but today he was happy to see them. Seizing a shoulder, his parents used their jet boots and propelled them up into the sky away from that death trap rock. Chad had made a promise to Connor and Risa that he would be back for them…and Nigel Uno too, he promised Nigel too. A wicked grin began to spread as his parents flew him over the sea.

Oh yes Nigel, I’ll be back...

Chapter 22: Some Zs Catch The Delightful Children

Chapter Text

It was the same nightmare the Delightful Children had had ever since their little experience with the Recommissioning Module. They still dreamed of them...

It was always the Moonbase. They were being chased down a series of narrow steel corridors running from what started out as their own shadows and eventually turned into full-fledged people. Five people to be exact, each very much like David, Bruce, Lenny, Ashley and Constance only more horrifying.

“GIVE US BACK!” The people who used to be the Delightful Children’s shadows would scream at them. They would be able to outrun the shadows at first, but it always ended the same way.

First Lenny would drop his football helmet and in a panic they would make the wrong turn and end up cornered on the bridge instead of in the Escape Pod Launch. They would be trapped. Then the figures would emerge from the dark deserted corridors of the Moon Base.

They were horrible, gigantic, snarling green and black monsters with red horns, each one branded in a brilliant gold with a Z.

“GIVE US BACK!!!” the five ghastly children would shriek before advancing on them once again. The Delightful Children cowered in fear again, only this time something was different.

A bright light stood flickering in the corridor behind the Delightful Children and their nightmare shadows turned people.

“Father!” They all said in tears. Almost instantly the at the mentioned of his name the Nightmares dispersed. They were terrified of Father. Always terrified of Father.

But then as the dark figure came closer, the Delightful Children were puzzled to find it wasn’t Father at all.

Sure, the figure had Father’s black silhouette suit, but it wasn’t Father. It was a familiar shapely figure of a woman...

Roberta...

“Mother?...”

She shot a blast of fire at them and they burned as she smiled sweetly at them. It was terrible pain, but the worst part was that the bond that held the Delightful Children together began to slowly melt away. Roberta laughed as the Delightful Children split apart. The pain was horrible and the prim laughter ringing in their ears was even worse and then... and then the Delightful Children woke up...

“AAAAAAAH!” They all screamed together, desperately checking themselves to make sure they weren’t still dreaming, then they checked each other to make sure they were all still there. They hugged each other tightly while they cried in each other’s embrace.

Their crying woke up Jenkins, who tried to calm the Delightful Children down. “I can get you all some nice glasses of warm milk if you’d like.“ he offered, not thrilled to be at his bratty master’s service at 3:00 in the morning.

“We want Father!” The Delightful Children cried out in unison.

“Oh no you all don’t. You are not going to wake Father up and have me in the hot seat for your—”

“Father!”

The Delightful Children screamed, knocking over Jenkins and running into the hall(which still smelled a little like Bradley). They ran down the hallway and began banging on his bedroom door. Roberta answered them, sending a rush of terror through the hive mind. “It’s three o clock in the morning, what are you five doing up at this hour?”

“Where’s Father?” the Delightful Children demanded, bursting into the master bedroom.

”He’s right in here…“
Roberta turned around to see Father’s side of the bedroom standing empty. That really sent the Delightful Children screaming and they ran away from Father’s room downstairs.

“What are you kids doing up this late?” They heard the voice they were searching for coming from the kitchen eating a bowl of Rainbow Munchies in his fuzzy robe and slippers.

“Father!” They ran to him, giving him a group hug for the first time anyone could remember. This display of affection was a surprise for Father. After he had come home to a mansion ruined by Skunk stink and discovered that his study had been broken in to and The Steve mercy killed (that was what made him the most angry; he was enjoying seeing the insolent boy being unwound bit by bit) Father was very displeased. To say he blew up was a understatement. Now he was so startled by the hug he could barely get a word out.

“Are you kids alright?” Father asked, partly in shock.

“Bad dream.” they all said in unison.

“I can help!” Roberta’s voice sounded from the living room. The Delightful Children cowered behind Father and Roberta began to fill up her eyes with great big crocodile tears.

“Why don’t the Children like me?” Roberta sobbed, leaning on Father’s shoulder. Flames started to rise around him.

”What did you say to her?!” he said, turning on the Delightful Children.

“Nothing, Father... nothing.” All of them were shaking like dry leaves. Roberta turned down the waterworks.

“I’m sorry, it’s just… I guess they woke up from a bad dream and came looking for you. When they couldn’t find you, I answered the door and they went running.”

Father tapped her on the shoulder. ”It’s okay Doll, when The Delightful Children have nightmares I’m usually the one who calms them down, they’re really bad nightmares. You love Roberta, don’t you kids?”

The Delightful Children nodded. They hated Roberta and knew she was faking, but who was going to tell Father then?

“Kiss your Mother goodnight, Children. Father will put you back to bed.”

The Delightful Children almost vomited having to kiss Roberta and having to say “good night Mother.”

But soon enough the Delightful Children were tucked in bed nice and cozy with glasses of milk heated by Father’s fire powers.

“Father… do you love us?”

The question came as a shock to Father. “Yeah ... Of course, why wouldn’t I?”

The Delightful Children looked at Father with their big blue eyes. “If you loved us then why would you have us tithed?”

Father said nothing for a long time,staring down at the white robes as if he had forgotten they were there. Then he was looking at some part of their room pondering. He finally turned back to his Delightful Children and said, “Look, I know it’s a scary thought but give it some time.”

“Father, you’re evil! Why do you want to give anything back to the world?”

But Father said nothing. He didn’t even blow up. He just gave each of his Delightful Children a kiss goodnight and walked out the door. “You five will accept it, don’t worry. You will. Goodnight, my Delightful Children.”

The Delightful Children said good night and they went to sleep. It was dreamless, but right after Father left they thought they could hear him laughing maniacally.

When The Delightful Children woke up the next day, Father was nowhere to be found. Jenkins told them Roberta was at the retreat and that something had happened. What exactly, he could not or would not say. When they asked him about Father the response was far more straightforward. “He had to take a trip to Japan. He’s picking up your cousins for the party.”

Their tithing party was in three days.

Chapter 23: Sector W

Chapter Text

Harvey Mackenzie, Sector Leader of Sector W, looked like someone had given him a double wedgie. There were bags under his eyes and his usual military bearing was gone. He listlessly shuffled out of the shuttle with Number 84 (a small Asian kid named Lee) and Number 83 (a little blonde girl with pigtails who usually wore pink but now wore white) flanking right behind him.

“Number 5.” Harvey said then saluted, not even a scowl on his face. Number 5 returned the salute, “Number 363.”

The two were silent for a whole minute before Sonia spoke up. “Thanks for having us over and inviting us over to your treehouse.” Harvey looked down at the floor, still in a stupor. Sonia nudged her Sector Leader, who was stirred slightly from his lethargy. “Don’t touch me…” Harvey said weakly. He looked up at her and suddenly his whole demeanor changed.

“I told you to change out of those robes!” Harvey said angrily. His anger was actually worse than when someone touched him as he began raging against Sonia.“No one in my Sector wears those robes!”

“But Moon Base standing orders say that you’re not supposed to mess with ... kids like me’s robes, my Daddy says it makes me special.“

“Sonia, so help me, go back into the Shuttle and change out of those robes or else!”

Sonia shrunk back at Harvey’s wrath while Lee stood with his back against the shuttle doing tricks with his Yo-Yo. Usually he would get involved but now he just manipulated his Yo-Yo, paying no attention to the maelstrom of fury.

Just then Number 5 cleared her throat. “Excuse me Number 363, if you don’t mind me asking, what exactly are you doing here?”

The signature scowl was back on his face. “Moonbase has ordered us to help you with the Delightful Children’s cake.”

A smug smile snaked it’s way onto Harvey’s face for the first time all day.

“Apparently they don’t think you old geezers can handle doing this alone, so they ordered us to come out and help you all out with your canes and adult diapers.”

Number 4 began to growl. “Who are ya calling old, pipsqueak?”

Number 363 actually had a couple of inches on Number 4. He smirked at Wally and said, “Looks like Grandpa’s going though some shrinking at the moment.” Harvey began to laugh and Number 4 was just starting to curl his hands into fists. Number 2, who had strategically placed himself between Number 4 and Number 363, was getting ready to stop his best friend from attacking a superior officer, but to Hoagie’s surprise Wally was remaining relatively calm, looking down at the floor as Harvey walked right past him.

Number 5 led Harvey out of the hanger but slowed her pace just outside the door, making Harvey trip and almost bump into her. “Sorry.” Abby said, unable to keep the smile out of her voice. Sonia and Lee exchanged a glance and snickered and the Rest of Sector V did the same.

From atop the hangar, one teenage girl watched the meeting from a catwalk.

“What we’ve gathered from our previous intelligence report is that Father is indeed building a Super Cake like he did with The Cake Five Station.” Abby paused for full effect, looking at the six other kids sitting inside the tire. Ever since they got into the Bridge, things had settled down a bit. Harvey went from belligerent to business-like. He didn’t like Sector V and the feeling was mutual.

(It was a shame too. Sector W of Washington DC could’ve had a friendly rivalry with Sector V if it wasn’t for Harvey. They both raced for the cake during the Scavenger Hunt and it was fun competing against Sonia and Lee, but Harvey had to make things too personal. Now, though, he was remaining silent.)

Abby went on. “According to the report, Father is using a old family recipe that he managed to dig out of a family vault. It’s the same one used by the Mother of the Annoyingly Cute Triplets from Upon the Hilltop.”

Number 2’s eyes bulged slightly from under his pilot’s code goggles. “So it’s Cake 5 but bigger and with Father’s Nana’s recipe? Well, that’s just the icing on the cake isn’t it?”

Number 5 pulled her hat down over her head. “C’mon...” she said in exasperation. Everyone was less than amused with the pun expect for Number 84, who gave Number 2 a high five. Harvey glared at Lee, who just stared right back at him unflinching.

“Anyway,” Abby said loudly, trying to move on before Harvey had one of his tantrums, ”as Number 2 so... wittingly put it, it’s just like Cake 5, only bigger and with Great Grandmother’s Recipe. Now what I propose is a—Yes, Number 83?”

Sonia was raising her hand high up in the air. Abby sighed, half at being interrupted again and half at the fact that yet another Kids Next Door Operative was wearing tithing whites.

“Uh, Number 5, I’ve been trying to tell Harvey this all morning, but I think this whole mission might be unnecessary.”

Everyone watched Sonia dig out an invitation from the pocket of her white robes. Sonia cleared her throat and began to read.

“October 4th, Masters Lenny, David and Bruce and Mistresses Constance and Ashley invite every child in town to celebrate the start of their giving by giving them a piece of our most delicious birthday cake. No gifts please: The Delightful Children From Down the Lane.“

You could have heard a pin drop in that room for a solid 30 seconds before every kid in the tire except for Abby and Harvey started cheering.

“Alright! We’re going to be able to get a piece of those creep’s cake without a fight!” Number 4 shouted excitedly, jumping up and down.

“Man, it looks like every kid in town is going to be able to have some cake and eat it too!” Number 2 joked, making Lee burst out laughing.

“Party! Party! Party!” Number 3 chanted, seeming oblivious to the fact that there were references to a tithing party.

The occasion was more obvious for Sonia, who exclaimed, “See Harvey! I told you that tithing was going to make the world a better place. Even the Delightful Children have become nice!”

Abby was the only one who noticed the way Harvey looked a little sick at that. She was about to try to calm the room down and get a better look at that invitation when the base’s door opened.

Miracolina stood in the doorway. All eyes turned to look at the teenage girl, who was waiting for everyone to fall silent. When they finally did, she spoke.

“Pardon the interruption, but when you all are done I need to speak with Abby and Harvey.“

Number 5 looked up at Miracolina, betraying nothing. Harvey looked up and his face went pale.

“What is she...?”

“Fine!” Abby said quickly, “Just wait outside and Number 5’ll be there.”

Sonia pointed at the older girl’s robes. “You’re a tithe like me! You help people!” she chirped innocently.

When Miracolina noticed Sonia, her impulses wanted her to grimace. Instead she kept it together, no need to upset the girl. She could be discussed with the Sector Leaders. Miracolina channeled all the adults who had ever told her how wonderful being a tithe was for her response to Sonia.

“That’s right, and I’m doing what tithes do right now, which is to help people. Your Sector Leaders need to know something really important.”

She winked at Sonia and smiled at her. Wally thought the wink was for him, so he winked back and received an elbow from Kuki for his troubles.

Before Harvey could start blowing up, again Abby concluded the meeting as fast as she could. “The Delightful Children have invited us to many parties. Number 5 thinks that y’all have a pretty good idea what that means. It means trouble for any kid that goes to that thing. We’re going to go and if they’re plotting anything we’re going to stop them!”

This caused a wave of cheers from the other kids. Abby was about to say let’s make Number 1 proud but then she remembered....

She got Harvey out of there as fast as she could and motioned him into Number 1’s empty room, where she and Miracolina told him everything.

Chapter 24: Rachel

Chapter Text

“Warning! Galactic Kids Next Door rogue, Nigel Uno rogue. Proactive Citizenry is evil—”

Rachel frowned as Chad’s transmission cut off. Nigel Uno, gone rogue? She frowned harder at the thought of Nigel Uno, the bravest and the most skilled operative on the planet, going rogue. She thought about the bald kid with sunglasses and the cute smile... such a cute smile... Rachel blushed at that.

A knock at the door snapped her out of it. “Rachel? Rachel, are you in there? Miss Griswold sent me to check on you. Are you okay?“ It was Sarah, sounding worried.

Quickly cramming her phone into her robes and sliding the suitcase full of weapons under her bed, Rachel called out to Sarah.

“I’m okay! Just give me a second!” Rachel darted to the door and unlocked it. Although the other girl stood four inches above her, now more than ever she reminded Rachel of a little kid fresh out of Cadets Next Door.

“Ms. Griswold saw you running off and she said you looked worried. Are you okay?”

All of a sudden Rachel felt very vulnerable. She might have bluffed her way though the mob of other kids and adults only a couple of minutes ago, but when she was running she thought she had escaped Roberta’s notice. The fact that Roberta had taken the time to track down her roommate and convince her to come check on her told her that Roberta was either stupid or was growing suspicious, probably the latter. What had the Delightful Children told Roberta? More importantly, how was Roberta able to get the Delightful Children to obey and fear her?

Rachel felt another panic attack coming on. Her eyes widened and she began to shake all over. Carefully, gently, Sarah reached out to touch Rachel’s shoulders, but as soon as she did Rachel reflexively swatted her hand away before she could stop herself.

Sarah’s eyes began to tear up. She was about to rush out and get some adult help, but she didn’t have to. The help came to her. Someone began to knock on the door. Both girls were in such a state of shock that the knock didn’t register. The knock came again and Rachel, who was first to come out of the shock, said meekly “Come in,” even though she was overwhelmed by guilt and anxiety.

Rachel knew she had screwed up big time. She freaked out when she was vulnerable and now... Who knows what? All that Rachel knew was that Roberta was coming though that door and she was finished. She would be taken away from this hotel and tithed in some deep, dark, horrible place and she would never see her parents, her little brother or her beloved Kids Next Door ever again. Now it was Rachel who felt the tears pricking at her eyes. She wasn’t ready. Oh Zero, she was never going to be ready. It was over.

Except it wasn’t Roberta after all. The young woman who stood in the door way couldn’t have been more than twenty-four, another volunteer from Roberta’s world.

“Rachel, dear, you have a visitor. Did I hear yelling? Is everything okay in here?“

Rachel took a deep breath. “Yeah, everything’s fine.“ She wasn’t fooling anyone, but the volunteer went on.

“Your visitor’s in the chapel right now waiting for you. He’s a little umber boy with sunglasses, he’s very well dressed.”

(Number Infinity, Rachel realized, gulping and clenching her fists. How did he always manage to show up at the worst possible time?)

The volunteer went on. “If you’re not in the mood I could tell him to come back later—”

“No!” Rachel interrupted, “I’ll see him right now. It might do me some good.“

She gave Sarah and the volunteer a convincing smile.Stepping out the door, she made as brisk of an exit as she could manage.

Rachel couldn’t get to the Chapel fast enough. She muttered a very untithe—like curse as her robes got snagged for the fourth time on her trip downstairs(the first three times were in the elevator doors) and muttered an even worse curse as she tugged herself free of the Chapel’s stained glass door. Setting her face with a neutral expression, she braced herself for whatever her unwelcome visitor had to say.

The Hotel’s Chapel was a vast space fitted for the many different people of many different faiths who came to stay in Northern Virginia. There was an room for Islamic prayer mats, a statue of Buddha in one room and a little synagogue, but Number Infinity sat in typical Christian chapel with two confessionals fitted out for Catholic Mass. He sat in the pews closest to the altar, head bowed as if he were praying(although he was actually listening for Rachel’s footsteps).

As Rachel made her way past the Confessional, she could sense someone watching her. It wasn’t just a funny feeling. She knew. Soldier’s instinct and her long-ago training kicking in, she turned her head. All she saw was a flash of gold disappear behind the curtain.

Rachel tensed up every muscle in her body, reflexes preparing her for a fight. For an instant Rachel was on the verge of attacking whatever was in there, but what if it was just a Priest wearing gold, just curious about a tithe coming so close to his confessional without stopping? Rachel was pretty sure she had made a fool of herself in front of half the kids here. Attacking some poor priest would probably be the straw that broke the camels back— or the loose thread that when pulled could unwind her...

She shook off that dark thought and kept walking. Number Infinity sat quietly in the pew, looking deceptively peaceful. He sat so still he could have been mistaken for a statue. Rachel tapped him on the shoulder and at once he became animated.

“Number 362 sir, what a pleasure.“ Number Infinity took her hands and clasped them warmly then made an effort to salute the Supreme Leader.

“Don’t bother,” Rachel said, smiling diplomatically, “Look at me. Do I look like I’m in uniform right now? At ease.”

Now she was finally back in her element. Before taking on the mantle of Supreme Leader, Rachel McKenzie had been the best spy in the Kids Next Door. Integration, sleuthing, weaseling information, these things were Rachel’s favorite parts of the job and she felt even more home here then on the bridge (which was saying something because the Supreme Leader’s chair was really comfy). Whatever the GKND was doing, she would find out and get Nigel back...

“So…” Number Infinity said in a calm, rehearsed tone “how are you enjoying being a tithe?”

Rachel smiled, fitting back into the role she was used to playing. She gave him the answer he seemed to expect. “It’s great, it’s great. How about you? Anything to report from Moon Base lately?”

Number Infinity pursed his lips together and looked thoughtfully up at the ceiling. “Nothing really that important. Some big Candy Pirate meeting’s being called to discuss politics.

“It sounds like a job for Number 5.” Rachel observed, pushing back a pang of guilt over her last meeting with the candy adventurer. Number Infinity agreed with her and continued with the report on Moonbase news.

“Number 13 has started to campaign to be the next Supreme Leader, if you’d believe that.“ Rachel and Number Infinity shared a laugh at that. Number 13 was the Kids Next Door’s most unlucky and probably worst operative.

Once Rachel’s sides stopped hurting, she wiped a tear off her face and smiled again. “Really? Number 13 wants to be the Supreme Leader?”

Number Infinity nodded and chuckled. “You know, he’s not the worst candidate in the world. He’s the right age for it, not too young, not too old, and he would definitely listen to his advisors.”

Rachel could feel his calculating gaze through his sunglasses.

“What’s that supposed to mean, Number Infinity?” Rachel demanded, standing up and suddenly sounding just like a commander.

Number Infinity stood up too. The two kids glared at each other with equal malice. The jig was up. Now there was open hostility and they both knew it.

Numbuh Infinity didn’t back down. “It means, sir, that it was very wise of you to begin your transition out of the Supreme Leader position early and to decide to become a tithe. Galactic Command hopes that you stay the course. It would be better for you to be used in other kids to help in our struggle against Adult Tyranny then to become an adult yourself, after all, like so many of your predecessors have. You will stop your questioning and end your contact with the Delightful Children, or else face the charge to treason. Do I make myself clear?”

Rachel was red again, not from embarrassment but from rage.

”I am Numbuh 362, the Supreme Leader of the Kids Next Door, Number Infinity, you will not give me orders!” Rachel’s voice echoed around the tinny chapel and she was pretty sure that the tithing pastor or the rabbi or the cleric or whoever was inside that confessional (she was pretty sure it wasn’t a priest because she saw him coming down here stuffing his face full of lobster) heard her shouting.

“Get out! Get out of this hotel and get your office packed up, because when I get back up to Moon Base, by Zero, you’re out! I should’ve decommissioned you after your little treaty debacle, but I didn’t. I should have decommissioned you when you told me to help arrange for my best operative to be shipped past Pluto (just then there was a rustling of the Confessional’s curtain) but I didn’t. Now I’m telling you, the relationship between the Earth Kids Next Door and The Galactic Kids Next Door is over. And frankly, it’s about time! “

“No it’s snot.” Number Infinity retorted, stepping out of the pew and into the aisle. Before Numbuh 362 could react, he placed his index finger up his nose and within a few seconds he was completely consumed by crusty green snot, the way all Galactic Level Operatives transported themselves to wherever they wanted to go.

Number 362 sat in the pew for another thirty minutes. she put her head on her hands and closed her eyes. She prayed that it wasn’t too late, that she hadn’t sold the Kids Next Door to that wretched woman who even made The Delightful Children afraid, she prayed for Nigel Uno, prayed that she would be able to save him.

After a while Rachel’s head started to clear. She sat there waiting for Roberta, or the therapist or one of the horde of happy faces who were there to “ease the children into a divided state” to come and take her away. No one came, which should have eased her mind, but it didn’t. They were waiting to pounce, she thought, waiting for the right moment. She decided to play along for now.

If worst came to worst they had to send her home by the weekend. If an opportunity for a clean getaway came sooner, then fine, but it had to be clean. There were too many moving parts now and it was too dangerous for her to make too big of a scene. (If only she had those little pills that Number 2x4 designed that could make a kid look like they had the stomach flu. The symptoms were supposed to be horrible, but it would get her home quick enough.)

Rachel sighed and stood up again to head back. She thought she saw a bit of gold peer out from behind the confessional again, but she had bigger mysteries to investigate.

Rachel spent the rest of the day trying to be as inconspicuous as possible. She found Sarah and a small group of tithes and played mini golf and then played the Yipper flight sim (which she had to admit was pretty close to the real thing. She was pretty sure a former KND operative who escaped their decommissioning must have helped develop it). She saw neither head nor hide of the Delightful Children and she heard from one tithe boy that they all left for home early with a very special guest in tow.

Rachel kept her guard up. Roberta was at group and acted as if nothing happened at the pool. She gave Rachel the odd glance and asked her in front of everyone if she was alright (which was a little embarrassing and a monstrous trick because Rachel knew that not one of the 12 or so other tithes would ever leave her alone about it now).

Gourmet dinner was excellent, as always. Her favorite vegetable was even there: spinach, a green she didn’t get to enjoy often being Kids Next Door Supreme Leader meant that she didn’t get to eat it much on account of setting a bad example. After supper Rachel at risk of seeming like a bigger outcast than she already was at this point (the worried glances and the line of adults and kids wanting to take pity on her and hang out with her was growing longer by the minute) retired to her room, shut the door and opened the suitcase full of 2x4 technology. She had a very important call to make.

The first thing she heard on the other end of the line was kissing, the type of kissing that would’ve made her little brother say “Eeewww”. It took a couple of seconds for her to get visuals, but she did hear the voice on the other end say, “Hold on Cree baby, I need to take this call, it’s my Mom.”

When Rachel finally got a good visual, she saw Number 9 of the Kids Next Door (also known as Maurice), who had ducked into what looked like the bathroom of the movie theater downtown. He looked a little flushed when he saw who was on the phone.

“Uh, Number 362, Ma’am, I mean sir. Sorry I didn’t pick up right away. I was with Cree...”

“Gathering intelligence?” Number 362 said with a knowing smile that she let slide.

“Yes sir, gathering intelligence.”

“Well just be careful, Cree’s younger sister was gathering intelligence last time I spoke with her. You know how the Lincoln sisters are. When one of them gets an idea into her head, the other one’s usually quick to follow.”

Rachel smiled and so did Maurice, who had been standing at attention but now in a rare instant began to break formation by fidgeting at parade rest.

“At ease, and if you don’t mind could you take the phone somewhere a bit more private? It’s urgent.”

Maurice slipped outside to make sure no one else heard and held the phone up to his ear.

Rachel didn’t waste a second.

“Listen, some things are starting to go on, some very bad things. In case my investigation really starts going wrong, I want you to take full command of the Kids Next Door until the crisis ends.“

Maurice went silent on the end for a couple of seconds.

“Number 9? Did you hear that order? Please respond…”

“Yes...sir... I heard it but is there—”

“No buts! Before I tell you any more I need you to tell me that you’ll do what I say and take the job, please?“

Maurice listened to Rachel and heard the all-too-familiar sound of anxiety creeping into the girl’s voice(Maurice and Chad had taken her home once upon a time when Rachel was but 4 months out of the cadets). “Yes, sir. I will fulfill my duty, even though I feel unequal to it.”

He heard an audible sigh of relief on the other end followed by her authorizing something that had only been used four times in the Kids Next Door’s history. “Supreme Leader Tag override code: Heiwa Monkey Yipper. Repeat it!”

Rachel said the last bit a bit more forcefully then she meant to, but without missing a beat Maurice repeated “Heiwa Monkey Yipper.“

Numbuh 362 nodded.
“Good, as soon as possible head to the Moonbase and have it put into the Code Module. When the time comes, you’ll know when to activate it.” Maurice nodded before Rachel went on.

“Oh Maurice, where to start—274’s down, wounded, killed, I don’t know. He told me that the Galactic Kids Next Door is rogue and Nigel Uno’s gone rogue too.”

“Anything else?” Maurice said, sighing. He knew there was more. In his line of work there was always more.

“Have you been seeing all the kids going around in white robes?“

“Tithes.” Maurice said flatly. “The Teen Ninjas have been gathering some intel of their own, but the higherups say not to worry about it. They’re mostly kids and are only teenagers when it’s too late. Say, weren’t you wearing white robes when I saw you?”

Now it was Rachel’s turn to go silent. She finally said, “Undercover work, undercover work. Do you know they do it, harvest organs of unwilling teenagers? And somehow Father and the Galatic Kids Next Door are in on it! There’s this woman and The Delightful Children are terrified of her.”

“Zero…“ Maurice looked shaken. “Now is that all?”

Rachel nodded softly. It was obvious by Maurice’s tone that he still wanted to know why exactly his Supreme Leader was wearing white. He said nothing. The fact that he was saying nothing about it was a sign that he understood a little too much. “Hopefully I should be back on Moonbase by next Monday or maybe sooner, but when I get back I want to brief you more. Oh… and I will be back in my old armor again.”

This seemed to satisfy Maurice for the moment. He gave her a sharp and crisp “Yes sir, Kids Next Door rule Number 362 rule sir.“

“Kids Next Door Rule.” Rachel smiled. ”Oh, and make sure not to kiss and tell Cree what I told you, okay Maurice?”

“Yes sir!” Maurice said chuckling slightly and then saluting. With that Rachel hung up— just as Sarah came in looking flustered...

Chapter 25: The Escape

Chapter Text

Sarah closed the door and dropped onto her bed. “Rachel, I want out!” The older girl had to bend her head to lean on Rachel’s shoulder. “I’m sick of it. I’m sick of the adults telling me how I’m going to help other people, I’m sick of those stupid exercises where I have to explain where I want my parts to go—I want my own life!“

Rachel didn’t know what to say until Sarah suddenly looked at her with her eyes full of hope.

“You—you’re Supreme Commander of the Kids Next Door, everyone from your world says so. You help kids, right?”

Rachel for a brief moment had a doubt if she should be helping a teenager, but that notion quickly evaporated.

Rachel again let Sarah lean down and put her head on her shoulder. Unbeknownst to Sarah, a small smile began to inch it’s way onto the Supreme Leader’s face. There was a secret guilty glee that Rachel felt from having a kid who needed help and knowing she could help her. “It’s okay Sarah, don’t worry. I’ll get you out.”

The taller girl came out of Rachel’s embrace, all red-eyed. “Really?“

“Really.” Rachel looked around the room to see if anything was bugged. “If you want out of here, you can’t go around the hotel looking like you’ve been crying, you know how things are. You’ll be in a pastor’s or counselor’s office so quick you won’t even have time to say your name. Now go, dry your eyes.“

Sarah went into the bathroom and began to scrub at her eyes with almost a practiced air and Rachel realized with a jolt Sarah had done this before. When she came back, her eyes were still slightly red but there were no other signs that anything was wrong. “There are others too, I know 6 kids including me who want out of here... Do you think—?”

But without even thinking Rachel said “Of course, the more the merrier.”

Rachel was secretly regretting that decision. It was not going to be easy to sneak a whole group out of the hotel. Still, she couldn’t just leave them behind. This was her job.

Rachel and Sarah spent the next hour and a half finding all the kids and telling them to come by her room at separate times. The boys (Ben, Joseph , Simeon and Michael) would come earlier to avoid the patrols, who would be doing sweeps to make sure that kids were in their assigned rooms. The girls(María and Lilly) would come later. If a girl got caught going into another girl’s room they might ask questions, but if a boy was caught trying to go into a girl’s room, they’d might as well haul the lot of them either to their tithing or the Delightful Mansion because they’d wouldn’t just be dead, they’d be super dead. Final prayers went off without much ado, except for the strong prodding for Rachel to tell somebody what was bothering her.

Rachel was relieved when she finally closed the door to the room where Sarah was waiting for her.

“When are they coming?”

“Soon.” Rachel yawned, wishing she could take a nap but not trusting herself to wake up on time. She sat on the plush bed with Sarah and they waited.

Michael, Ben, Simeon and Joseph came thirty minutes after Rachel. They were a little too close together for Rachel’s comfort, but they had encountered no trouble so she was more than pleased. Lilly came five minutes after the boys and María soon after. The little band clustered around Rachel’s bed, waiting for her orders just like a sector listening to their leader.

Rachel was almost tempted to cheer “Kids Next Door rules!” She stopped herself at the last minute. This was a stealth mission after all. She took a deep breath and listened for any movement in the hall as Ben raised his hand.

“So is it true, Rachel? Are you really going to help us escape?” Rachel nodded, but before she could say anything else, Lilly raised her hand too. “What a polite little bunch of cadets!”Rachel thought, smiling again before calling on Lilly, a small redheaded girl with an almost cartoonishly small voice. “ So... What are we going to do? Are we leaving tonight?”

Now it was Rachel’s turn to feel like a little kid. She was about to give the vague but unsatisfactory answer of “I’m working on it, “ but Sarah chimed in a voice that Rachel couldn’t believe sounded smaller than Lilly’s.

“I think I found a way out. It’s through the ballroom ... You know, the one on the opposite side of the hotel? I was looking around there earlier today. No one goes down there and unlike the rest of the doors around here it was unlocked…”

Sarah looked down quietly at the floor, just like a kindergartener who felt embarrassed about an answer that they thought was stupid. Rachel beamed and the other kids beamed with her.

Within the hour, the tiny band of AWOL tithes were creeping their way across the hotel. They had to be extra careful to keep silent because it seemed that every adult was out looking for curfew breakers. As they ducked into a hallway that led out of the lobby, Joseph pantingly voiced what everyone must have been thinking about. “I thought they trusted us? They keep telling us that we’re good kids and that they’re so proud of us, so why do they think we’ll all try to break out?”

Nobody answered. They were all hiding from the same woman who told Rachel about Number Infinity earlier that day. After what felt like forever, she passed them by and turned a corner with a flashlight. Finally Rachel answered his question.

“I think they might be expecting me to be trying to break out...”

The whole group turned to face Rachel, except for Sarah, who stared off into the distance to make sure the coast was clear.

“Why don’t you just go and leave us?“ This was María, the most soft-spoken and sensitive of the group. “If you’re leader of the Kids Next Door, you should be trying to save the most kids as possible from unwinding! You shouldn’t be worried about us!“

Quiet, shy María got louder and louder until her voice should have brought everyone on the whole ground floor down on them. Rachel wanted to shake her, but she kept it together and only gave her a stern look and a finger to her lips. Embarrassed and anxious, María nodded. Sarah gave the all-clear signal and the little band moved from their hiding spot closer to their chance at freedom.

Now they were in the older part of the grand hotel that needed remodeling. The wallpaper was peeling off and the floorboards were rotting and uneven.

Simeon tripped and sprawled out on the floor, filling his hands with splinters. He didn’t scream, but he began to whimper. “I think I’ve twisted my ankle. Go on without me, get out of here.”

María and Rachel were there in a flash, helping him to his feet. María supported Simeon and became a crutch while Rachel crouched down beside him and examined his leg. Sure enough, he’d twisted his ankle.

“Rainbow Monkey balls!” Rachel muttered under her breath, making María flinch. If they needed to run, he wouldn’t be able to keep up.

“I’ve got him.” María said, helping Simeon to his feet. Ben, the largest kid in the band, volunteered to be the caboose and trail after them to fight whatever came their way. Rachel handed him her musket (not the old muzzleloader but a mustard pistol she had been saving for emergencies) and sent Lilly to stay with him for backup. Michael and Sarah led the way down the unfinished halls. The group kept their spread-out formation as they got closer to their escape.

“Rachel, can I ask you something that I was trying to ask you back there?” Rachel remembered the question and grunted an inaudible reply. She didn’t even want to think about it right now. There was so much to process: unwinding, the G:KND, Nigel... What was she going to tell Sector V?

But as Rachel thought that last horrible question, María spoke. “Why didn’t you just leave us?”

Simeon, through gasps of pain, repeated the question. “Yeah, you could have gotten out of here by yourself a whole lot quicker without us.”

Rachel looked the two tithes and a red hot flash of anger went though her—not at them, but at their parents. These kids had been raised since infancy to question their own worth. It made Rachel furious, not just at the adults, but a little bit at herself for believing all this crud.

“Rachel?” María asked. This time Rachel had an answer. It was a good answer. It was the only thing that made sense to her at the moment and the utter goodness of it made her smile.

“I’m a Kids Next Door Operative. I save kids. It’s my job.”

The little group traveled in silence until Rachel asked “María, what made you want to run away? You too, Simeon. Why?”

Simeon smiled through his pain. “I don’t know if you know this or not, but unwinding is outdated.”

“What?” Rachel said, confused.

“Yeah, back in my world they came out with this machine that literally prints body parts. So what’s the point of me being tithed if you can just print out a couple dozens sets of lungs in an hour when I can give only two?”

Rachel was shocked. It seemed like the more the day went on, the more it looked like when this was all over Roberta was going to be a guest of a resort of Rachel’s choosing :the Arctic prison. Rachel looked at María , who looked down at the floor.

“It’s my brother. He didn’t want me to be tithed.”

Rachel’s mind automatically went to Harvey.

“He always made a fuss about it. He fought with my dad... At one point he punched him hard in the nose...”

An image flashed in Rachel’s mind of Harvey wearing tithing whites. If her parents decided to tithe Harvey, would she have done the same thing? Rachel decided the answer was yes and she liked Maria’s brother tremendously.

“Anyway, you know how it is... He was sixteen and two days after that he was on a bus to Cold Springs Harvest Camp.” Tears began to prick in María’s eyes and if Simeon wasn’t leaning on her, Rachel would have hugged her. “I just can’t stand the thought of me going through with this after that. I loved my brother more than anyone in the whole world...”

After they reached the ballroom, the whole team met up together and celebration was in the air.

Michael let out a laugh. “When I get out of here I’m going to be a preacher, then instead of being given funeral rites I’ll be giving them.”

Rachel laughed at Michael’s dark humor. It felt good after spending a week in an environment that would have been too sweet for Rainbow Monkeys.

“I want to be a farmer.” Ben said.

“Doctor!” squeaked Lilly in delight.

“Rich.” Joseph said, smiling.

“Free.” María said, drying her eyes.

“How about you, Sarah? Any plans when we get out of here?” Rachel asked curiously as she entered the grand ballroom.

Sarah stopped just outside of the door. “Well, Rachel, I’ve always wanted to be an actress ...”

And with that the trap was sprung.

And with that the trap was sprung .

The doors to the hall closed and a horde of adults rushed in to capture the party of runaways. Sarah looked into the ballroom at Rachel like she was some type of caged animal. She had a look of triumph as Roberta appeared from the darkest part of the area beyond the ballroom and put a motherly hand on Sarah’s shoulder. The look of triumph soon vanished as Sarah heard the crying of the children who she promised freedom but so cruelly and coldly betrayed.

Rachel was too stunned for words. Followed by the AWOL tithes, Sarah and the counselors, Roberta strutted primly into the ballroom to a row of chairs waiting on the far side of the room. Sarah took her place beside Roberta, looking down at the ground. She never lifted her eyes. Not towards Rachel or Roberta, or the swarm of adults and especially not the kids who she betrayed(who were apparently going to be a captive audience for whatever morose spectacle Roberta had in mind). For a whole two minutes Roberta stared at Rachel, who stood defiantly in the center of the room.

“What are you looking at?” Rachel screamed angrily when she could no longer bear the silence. Roberta gave no reply. All that anyone could hear was the whimpering of the tithes.

“What are you looking at?” Rachel screamed even louder.

“A lousy teenage traitor.” came the reply in a voice that had the same clipped British accent that Roberta had… only it wasn’t Roberta.

It was then Rachel discovered what the bit of gold she had seen in the chapel earlier that day was. She saw that speck of light as it descended rapidly from the high chandelier above until it ceased to be just a speck of gold and became a visor set on a bald head wearing a long red hoodie. That speck of gold was Nigel Uno.

He stood at attention like a statue, gazing at Rachel impassively though his yellow visor. Rachel looked back at the boy who had once been one of her closest friends. Neither one of them said anything. There was nothing to say.

Roberta was watching them both like a hawk. “I’d thought since Number Infinity was unable to calm your nerves that maybe Number 1 would be better suited to the task.“

Rachel didn’t take her eyes off of Nigel, but she could hear the laughter in Roberta’s voice. Rachel’s hands clenched into fist as she stood quivering in a fury.

“Now Rachel, don’t be childish about this. After all, in a couple of weeks, you won’t be a child anymore. Isn’t that right Nigel?“

Number 1, for the slightest instant, looked at the floor and Rachel knew if she said the right thing right now she could get through to him. “Nigel, please listen to me! The Galactic Kids Next Door is rogue! They’ve been playing us for a long time!“

“Number 1!“ Roberta said sharply as if talking to a trained dog. “Number 362 is a threat to intergalactic security. She is plotting to betray the Kids Next Door. Take her into custody.”

Number 1 drew his weapon, not any type of Kids Next Door weapon that was known to Rachel or even a weapon seen in the Galactic Kids Next Door. Instead Nigel drew a tranq pistol that Rachel knew the new Juvie cops were using. One hit would knock her out cold.

“Nigel please, if you don’t believe me about the Galactic Kids next Door, then at least believe me about her!” Rachel pointed to Roberta, whose smile was beginning to slip. “Don’t be a fool like me, I’ve already been fooled, don’t make the mistake I’ve made...”

“Number 1, carry out the order!” Nigel had the tranq pistol leveled at Rachel. For once in her life she was defenseless. All he had to do was pull the trigger and Rachel would be out like a light. Instead of pulling the trigger. he threw the gun clear across the floor and took a defensive stance. Gesturing with his fingers, he beckoned her to dance, and she accepted with relish.

The two figures battled their way across the ballroom’s dance floor, trading blow for parry and parry for blow. Rachel kicked at her enemy’s face, which was dodged by Nigel and countered with an elbow, followed by a swift punch aimed at Rachel’s belly. She dodged the punch and tried a leg sweeping kick, which Nigel nimbly jumped over. Rachel had always been a couple inches taller than Nigel, but she had shot up two or three inches since they last saw each other. This didn’t bother Nigel, who was used to fighting opponents taller than him. Indeed, his time with the Galactic Kids Next Door had only sharpened his skill. Despite Rachel’s agility and training, it was the reach of her legs that gave her only the slightest of edges.

From the gallery of onlookers, the captive tithes and the adults watched this great contest. The captive tithes (excluding Sarah, who had buried her head in her hands in sheer shame) cheered with every movement and counterattack while Roberta and the adults sat stone-faced.

“Well, I guess we all know who your fan club is, don’t we, Rachel? How does it feel, leading your own clan of Teen Ninjas?” Nigel made a mad dash for Rachel, who quickly sent him flying into the air.

“What are you talking about, Nigel? For Zero’s sake, look at them! Do they look like Cree or Chad?” Rachel was still fighting defensively for the most part. She didn’t want to hurt Nigel, but she did make an attempt to smash that stupid visor of his.

“Maybe that would smack some sense into him?” She thought with bitter humor.

Nigel caught the fist and charged, only for his body to run smack into thin air as Rachel calmly moved aside. Nigel muttered a curse in some Galactic language and the two went back to circling each other.

“What’s the matter, solider? It seems to me that you’re holding back.”

Nigel was still focused on her. “I’ve received orders to take you in as best condition possible.”

Rachel smiled tauntingly at Nigel. ”A Kids Next Door operative obeying an adult’s orders?“

Without missing a beat, Number 1 snapped back at her. ” I receive orders from Galactic Kids Next Door, and we both know there are no adults in the Galactic Kids Next Door.“

“Then Roberta Griswold is the ugliest looking kid I’ve ever seen in my entire life!” Rachel’s retort was loud enough for the entire audience to hear and a chorus of laughter echoed down. Even some of the adults snickered. Roberta, however, sat in silent fury, pursing her lips. Nigel, who had been a pillar of stoicism a few seconds ago, forced back a small smile. Rachel smiled too. Was there a Kids Next Door operative still there behind that visor after all?

The two went back at it, slugging away at each other with both of them growing more tired with each swing.

”I’m surprised a desk jockey like you can keep up this close to retirement.”
Nigel said, panting like a dog on on a hot Summer day.

“I see zero gravity hasn’t improved your skills much.” Rachel said, sweat dripping down her blond hair. She didn’t know how much longer she could fight.

Then another thought dawned on her. What time was it? Other tithes would be getting up soon and Rachel was sure that this little party was only going to last as long as the sun was down. Not to mention there were still seven adults to fight. This had to be ended quickly if she still had a chance to run.

“Nigel , please. I don’t know what those alien kids put into your head, but please just listen. You know this is wrong, deep down you know it’s wrong. Help me, please...“

Number 1’s shoulders went low and Rachel could see a change in the boy’s posture. “Come on, Nigel, think ! What would Abby say about this? Or Hoagie? Or Kuki? Or Wally? What about your Dad? Do you think Number Zero would want us to help this woman harvest kid’s organs?”

“They’re not kids!” Nigel said bitterly, “They’re just teenagers. Just like you soon enough.”

“Come on Nigel, you and I love the Kids Next Door, but I think we both know how stupid that idea is.”

Nigel took off his visor now, and Rachel saw tears in his eyes. ”You were the Leader of Sector V. You’re my best operative, you’re no one’s puppet. Please.” The girl shifted to an open stance and held out her hand.

“Thank you…” Nigel said softly. There was conflict in the boy’s eyes, deep, deep conflict.

”… for lowering your defenses!” The conflict was over. Swiftly and ruthlessly, Nigel became the second person to betray Rachel’s trust that night. With one swift blow, a kick to the top of her head, Rachel was in a crumpled heap on the ballroom floor. The audience of tithes cried and moaned as they were taken from their seats and marched off out of the room.

Roberta approached Nigel. ”Was all that violence really necessary?”

She brushed the boy aside and examined the top of Rachel’s head. “There is a goose egg here, Number 1, a very large goose egg.”

“My orders were to subdue her. I obeyed.“ Number 1’s voice was cold and collected again.

Roberta smiled sweetly, almost as if she was glad to be able to chastise someone. ”Your orders were to bring Rachel McKenzie down swiftly and with as little damage to her person as possible. It appears that even a child such as yourself cannot follow simple instructions.”

Just then two figures emerged from beyond the ballroom’s entrance. “They’re all loaded up, ma’am. Do you want us to take this one?”

“By all means!” The sweet motherly Roberta was back and had more syrup then a maple tree. ”This remarkable boy helped to bring our little problem down, he should be—“

“Nigel!”

Number 1 turned his head to see Rachel being picked up by someone in a uniform. She was in a semi—conscious state with tears pouring from her eyes. Nigel knew they were not from the kick.

”I’m sorry Nigel, I’m sorry, it’s all my fault, I failed you, I failed the whole entire Kids Next Door, please snap out of it …You have to stop this…”

Roberta smiled sweetly at Rachel as she was carried away. Then she turned to Nigel, still smiling her blood-red smile. “I know it was hard for you, having to... take care of a friend like that.” Roberta, who was usually a picture of self control, couldn’t stop herself as the smile widened at that last little comment. Number 1 flinched, but only for a second. She placed a manicured hand on his shoulder and continued.

”But you did your duty. Your organization will receive glowing reviews by my account.“

Nigel said nothing as he stood at parade rest. Roberta turned to go, but stopped just short of the ballroom’s door. “Oh… and I trust that you will be able to take very special care of Sector V for us?”

“Galactic Kids Next Door rule!” Number 1 said firmly. Roberta’s blood red smile was vicious and Nigel Uno’s visor barely covered his tears.

Chapter 26: Transport

Chapter Text

12:45 pm October 4th ...

<Kids Next Door E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R.:
Exceptionally Luxorious Invincible Motorcar Offers Nice Arrival To Elegant Receptions>

The E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R., a sleek limo turned aircraft, gracefully hovered its way into the Delightful Mansion’s roundabout.

“Easy does it, Number 2.” Number 5 said, even though there was no need to say that. Abby knew he could pilot a cardboard box to the moon, but right now she was more nervous than that time back in the Temple of the Fourth Flavor (and that was pretty nerve-racking).

She sat in the front passenger’s seat of the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R. going over the objectives for this mission in her head. On paper the purpose of the mission was to get a piece of the Delightful Children’s birthday cake and save some of it so the Kids Next Door’s top scientists could analyze it. In all honesty, though, it was to grab Rachel and get out without having Father roast them alive with fireballs.

Harvey took the conversation with Miracolina pretty well, all things considered. He didn’t go into full meltdown mode and he only had to go to the bathroom to puke once. Miracolina, much to Abby’s surprise and relief, did not mention Nigel Uno’s name (or the Galactic Kids Next Door for that matter).

It was bad enough that everyone in Sector V knew, but it would be worse still to have Harvey Mackenzie know that Nigel was rogue... She’d never hear the end of it. Not from him...

Harvey and Sector W (much like Sector V SHOULD HAVE been in Abby’s opinion) were on a need-to-know basis. And right now they didn’t need to know squat.

Or did they?

Abby had questioned not telling Harvey the whole truth, and by the way Miracolina gave her sideways glances it was clear that she thought Harvey had the right to know. But a selfish little part of Abby’s mind told her to keep Harvey out of the loop about Number 1 until it was absolutely necessary. The part that was sense and not bravado told Number 5 that telling Harvey would be smart for a number of reasons.

One: If things did start to go down the drain up on Moon Base (the newspaper headlines worried her, almost as much as the stories that Number 2 was telling about his midnight flight) she and her Sector would have some other kids to back them up. The second reason hung heavier on Abby’s mind though.

Two: Whenever you try to cut corners with a mission is the moment things really start to look bad.

Numbuh 5 wasn’t the only one who was uneasy. Even though Numbuh 83 had been so excited back at the treehouse, she hadn’t said a word the entire flight. Sonia was rereading the invitation over and over in the backseat until Number 84 finally convinced her to let him try to help. She put the invitation in her pocket and finally asked a question.

“Do you think it’s wrong for me to be going to this? I mean, I have a couple of years before I’m tithed... it’s not supposed to be a party for me…”

Just like most of Sector W, Sonia had not been told much except that they were going to have a piece of the Delightful Children’s cake and bring some back in a cooler for Moonbase to study. She seemed completely convinced that this time there wouldn’t be any trouble.

Number 3 and Number 4 were sitting in the back seat of the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R. enjoying the soda bar in the back. Neither of them were too keen on answering Sonia’s question, but luckily Lee was there to save them.

“It’s all cool, Sonia.” Lee reassured her in his laid-back way. “It’s not just a party for the Delightful Children and all the other kids who are going to be tithed, it’s a party for everyone who can make it.“

Sonia smiled at this and Lee smiled back. Harvey, who insisted on sitting up front with Hoagie and Abby, groaned. Number 5 slipped Harvey a soda from the back and gave him a sympathetic look. Harvey looked even worse than Number 5 thought at first. Very deep dark circles rounded his eyes and the expression of entitled arrogance was replaced of one with despair.

And the worst part was Harvey didn’t even really know how deep they all were, but what Miracolina and Sector V told him did not do much to ease his nerves. His face turned pale green when he learned about camps from another world where hundreds and hundreds teenagers would go to have their organs harvested, especially when he realized his big sister was bound for one if they didn’t do something fast.

At last the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R. was parked and ready to go (Number 2 had warmed up the engines for vertical take-off so they could make a getaway the second they were ready to get the heck out of there).

“Two times in one week!”
muttered Number 4. “How the crud did we get so unlucky?”

No one said anything while Number 2 made the final adjustments to the controls. Number 83 smoothed out her white robes while Number 84 grabbed the cooler for the cake. Harvey finished his soda and silently handed Number 5 the empty bottle.

Number 5 tossed the bottle in the wastebasket (which was on the other side of the ship) with great skill, took a deep breath and said “Alright guys! You know why we’re here, but before we get this party started…”

Everyone except for Number 2 laughed. “It’s not that funny.” Number 2 mumbled, swiveling around in his chair.

Number 5 gave him a look. “We have a couple of notes to make first. Number 363, would you do us the honors?”

Harvey nodded. “Number 83, you and Number 84 are on cake sample duty. Go to the cake and put a piece in the cooler.” The two operatives nodded and climbed out of the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R.

Harvey went quiet as he looked to Abby. Despite being a perfect little monster on most occasions, even Harvey wasn’t going to order around another Sector Leader’s team around. She gave him a nod and he went out after 83 and 84.

Abby turned to 3 and 4. “You two are on security detail. Make sure that the Delightfuls and Father aren’t planning anything “special” for the party guests. Delightfulization chamber, Neural Suggestion Ray, anything…”

They all shuddered. After hearing Miracolina’s stories of unwinding the idea of an operating room ready to unwind any of them was front and center in their minds.

“You see, you destroy. If you see Father and he wants to give you trouble, you know what to do.”

Wally and Kuki both gave their ice cream pistols a quick check and nodded. “Number 2 will be staying here while me and Number 363 are in the party room observing. If you guys need anything, we’ll be there.”

Number 3 and Number 4 nodded as they disembarked. Going to the Delightful Mansion to supposedly get a piece of their birthday cake seemed too good to be true. And they all knew it.

As soon as they got out, Wally wanted to double check Kuki’s ice cream pistol.

“Don’t be silly, Wally. I checked it a ba-zillion times. I don’t know why you’re so worried. Are you okay?“

“Just want to make sure, Number 3.” Wally finally said awkwardly. Number 3 held out her hand and Number 4 took the pistol, looking it over with a professional air of a boy who knew his weaponry.

Suddenly Number 3 started giggling. “Hey! What’s so funny?” Number 4 asked, going bright red.

“You’re still holding my hand, Number 4.” Kuki said, giggling. Wally turned a couple of shades redder.

”Oh, yeah. Sorry. Well, here you go, all set.”

“Thank you Wally!” Number 3 chirped, giving the smaller boy a bear hug (one very much like she gave him when we was forced to wear the Mr. Huggykins suit). “Come on Wally, maybe we can dance a little while we’re looking for danger!”

Number 5 and Number 2 lingered in the car for a bit. Neither one of them said anything for a few minutes. Number 5 just sat there looking at her hands, which were starting to shake again no matter how hard she tried to hold them still. Number 2 got up and put his hand on her shoulder.

“Hey, don’t worry Number 5! This mission should be a piece of cake!”

Number 2 recoiled from the whacking he was sure was coming from Number 5’s hat (which she was still wearing even with her slick-looking blue tuxedo). But the swat never came.

Number 5 let out a sigh. ”Number 2, what if we find Rachel the same way we found The Steve? Or even worse, what if we go in there and find Number 1 the way we found the Steve?”

Number 2 fidgeted with his goggles. “Number 5, that’s one thing we don’t have to worry about. You’re not going to find Number 1 like that because he’s working with that woman.“

“And Rachel? What if she’s down there?”

Hoagie gripped the steering wheel tightly, wondering if he should say what was on his mind. Finally he said flatly ”If it’s too late for her… then you’ll do the same thing you did for The Steve.”

Abby’s heart skipped a beat. “How did you know about that?”

Her pilot didn’t answer that question, but he did answer what he knew was hanging on Abby’s mind. “We’re the Kids Next Door. We have to do our job, no matter what, no matter how hard it is, no matter what it costs us, no matter what.“

Number 5 unbuckled her seat belt and climbed out of the front passengers seat. She looked back over her shoulder at Number 2. He gave her what he hoped was a reassuring smile.

“When you come back, make sure you bring me back a piece of that cake!” He called after her. “Just make sure it’s not as small of a piece as Steve was cut into.“

For a second he thought he’d made a huge mistake, but Number 5 smiled wryly. ”By the time I’m done with you, you WILL be in smaller pieces than The Steve!” And with that the doors to the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R. closed and Number 5 entered the mansion.

Chapter 27: The Party Begins

Chapter Text

“Welcome, welcome, all... To our most spectacular birthday party extravaganza! Ha ha ha ha ha ha!”

The six Kids Next Door operatives watched their hosts from the bottom of the staircase with great anticipation. Every operative except Sonia already had their hands on their weapons. Harvey and Abby both looked up and down the staircase for Rachel. The staircase was lined on either sides with tithes from the hotel, all there present and counted for— well, all except for Rachel and maybe six other kids, but Harvey didn’t notice their absence, only Rachel’s. The two operatives shared a worried look.

The Delightful Children from Down the Lane stood atop the grand staircase of their mansion overlooking the guests of their party. They laughed maniacally, making the kids lining the staircase who wore white robes flinch (especially since those mild-mannered, sensitive tithes were not familiar with the Delightful Children). As the sinister laughter echoed throughout the halls of the humongous mansion, the other children who lived in the same town as the Delightful Children were either completely unfazed by this or shaking in their fancy party shoes that their parents had gotten for them.

The Delightful Children were a part of life, and you were either really scared of them or just accepted them for the evil little brats that they were. Still, neither fear of the Delightful Children nor indifference to their antics could prevent a kid from the temptation of tasting the sweetest of culinary prizes: the Delightful Children’s Birthday Cake.

Before the Delightful Children could get much further in their laughter they were interrupted by a clipped British accent. Roberta, who stood behind them, cleared her throat and made it clear with an irritated look that she wasn’t happy. The Delightful Children stepped back sheepishly as Roberta took their spot.

Harvey wanted to mount the staircase and murder that woman right then and there, but Abby had a firm grip on his shoulders.

“Good afternoon everyone and welcome to the Delightful Children from Down the Lane’s tithing party.” Roberta’s introduction generated a cheer from the tithes in the room, who were proud that another tithe was celebrating their special day. Most of the local kids in the room only whispered suspiciously to each other, remembering all of the Delightful Children’s parties which their “guests” spent tied to chairs watching the Delightful Children eat their birthday cake. Once the scattered cheers settled down, the speech continued.

“It is my understanding that for many years, most of the fine juvenile members of this community have not had the privilege of trying the Delightful Children’s birthday cake.”

Number 4 grinned with self-satisfaction, remembering how he got his fill of the Cake 5 station when it crashed to earth.

“I can assure you all that this year will be quite different, for you see, the Delightful Children have changed. You could even say that they have become, as their name suggests, delightful.”

This got a lot more whispering, but the audience was still very skeptical. The Delightful Children having a change of heart was about as likely as Sector J getting hit by a blizzard.

“My dear children, this is a tithing party, and just like the Delightful Children, their cake will soon be divided for the benefit of the community!”

The Delightful Children cringed at that remark, and their sigh of discomfort sent the local kids over the edge with joy— except for the Kids Next Door operatives who had listened to the horrors of “summary division” from Miracolina. Harvey stepped protectively in front of Sonia.

Roberta smiled brightly at the audience and then turned to face the Delightful Children. Her smile was sinister now, making them cower. Turning back to the crowd, Roberta smiled sweetly again and announced “Cake will be served in one hour. Until then, there is a plethora of activities!”

The kids let out massive cheers of joy and were released to wander the mansion.

“Rachel! Rachel!” Harvey called desperately, trying to run against the crowd.

”Calm down, Number 363, we’ll find her.” Abby said, catching him very gently by the shoulders.

”Don’t touch me!” Harvey snapped. “Do what you want, I’m going to find my sister.” He darted away into the crowd and disappeared.

Number 5 sighed and walked over to the fully stocked Soda Bar that, although not quite as good as hers, was pretty impressive.

”Number 5 just knew that today was going to be a long day.” Number 5 thought, pressing a few buttons on her watch. “Number 2, take the ship and see if you can break into the lab. Number 362 isn’t here.”

Her stomach was twisting itself up in knots again. What was she going to tell Harvey?

While Abby was at the soda bar, Harvey was off hunting the kids in white like a hound dog. He asked all of them the same question: “Have you seen Rachel?” And he would get the same answer: “She’s sick, back at the hotel.“ This was making Harvey angrier and angrier. They had called from the hotel and told his parents the same thing and when Mrs. Mackenzie had asked if they could pick her or see her, they had told her no. Harvey’s dad had gone to the hotel the day after that and his mom hadn’t gotten out of bed. His sister was missing ,and these teenagers were covering for that horrible woman. After about a dozen tries, he just about lost it. “Have you seen Rachel? Where is she?!”

“No. I heard at our groups the other day she got sick and had to go to a hospital—“

Harvey grabbed the kid by the collar of his white robes. Even though there was a good five or six year age difference and a massive amount of height, Harvey threw the gentle tithe around like a rag doll. “You’re lying! You know where Rachel is you little—”

Just then, the same British voice that put the fear of God into the Delightful Children began to scold ”Put Thomas down this instant, Harvey!”

Harvey turned to face Roberta, whose voice was now taking on a motherly air instead of the harsh tone she used to get him off of the kid.

”Thomas, dear, why don’t you go and run along, enjoy the party. Poor Harvey’s worried about his sister, but don’t worry. I can take care of him.”

Thomas left scurrying away like a frightened white mouse and Roberta was left alone in the hallway next to the Delightful Children’s parlor. With an elegant motion of her hand, she gestured into the parlor. “Shall we?”

Harvey followed her into the parlor and picked a sofa to sit on. It was stiff and uncomfortable and he squirmed on it. Meanwhile, Roberta sat in a comfortable recliner chair. She smiled sweetly at Harvey’s fidgeting. Like a dragon, he thought bitterly.

“You know you’re not very well-liked, Harvey, dear.” Roberta said sweetly. Harvey went bright red at this. He decided this was a complete waste of time.

“Stand aside!” The boy demanded, trying to push his way out of parlor and back out into the hallway. She blocked his path.
“I could help you. With your sister gone now, someone has to look after her little brother. It’s what she would have wanted.”

Roberta smiled like a snake at Harvey, who tensed up. Who said anything about Rachel being gone?

Harvey knew by the way the wretched woman was looking at him that she wasn’t joking. Was this some sort of threat? “You’re bluffing! Rachel’s somewhere out there playing some type of stupid party game and as soon as I get out of here I’m going to tell her that you’re the biggest snake that the Kids Next Door has ever dealt with! And that’s saying something!”

Roberta seemed to step aside to let Harvey pass, but as he was turning the door knob Roberta called cheerfully ”I’ll just tell her you said hello…”

Then she giggled girlishly. “If she hasn’t been tithed yet.”

Harvey froze.

“Wouldn’t it be wonderful, Harvey, if you could see your sister alive and in one piece? All you have to do is say yes. Think about it, I could make you Harvey Mackenzie, the youngest Supreme Leader in history and you could have your sister safe and sound... It’s what she would have wanted.”

Harvey had tears in his eyes and he knew right then and there that Roberta wasn’t bluffing. She had planned this, and like most evil adults, the leverage was real. She knew exactly where his sister was. And if he didn’t play along... Surprisingly, though, he was able to put on a brave face.

“Rachel would rather be tithed a hundred times without anesthesia than to let the Kids Next Door be a puppet for an evil adult!“ And Harvey smiled at that, because he knew it was true. “And I would rather go down in history as the most hated operative of all time and get decommissioned right here, right now than sell out the Kids Next Door like that.“

Harvey almost slammed the door as hard as he could, but he caught a glimpse of Roberta in a mirror. She displayed a smile that would have sent shivers down Grandfather’s spine.

“I’ll keep both of those things in mind... Especially about your sister.“

When Harvey finally left the Delightful Children’s parlor, he’d never felt so scared in his entire life… but he also never felt so proud before.

“Rachel would be proud of me,” Harvey whispered to himself and with tears in his eyes he went to find Number 5.

Chapter 28: Find Her

Chapter Text

“Find what you were looking for?“ Number 5 asked, draining a mug of root beer (she had already drained three mugs before she started this one). Harvey scowled at the question but stopped as soon as he saw the look on Abby’s face.

“No. She says she’s not here.” Harvey pointed to Roberta, who ‘just happened‘ to be walking by the soda bar.

She began to smile knowingly at him and Harvey was about to go over and start whaling on the woman who stood like a monument over him and every other operative who was at the party.

Number 5 held Harvey tightly by the shoulders. “Chill out, Number 363.“ she said gently but firmly.

When she held Harvey back earlier at the stairs, it was very lightly. Now she used every bit of her strength to physically hold the smaller boy back. Tears were coming down Harvey’s face now and Abby pulled him into an embrace.

“Don’t... touch ... me.” Harvey whimpered softly as he sobbed into Abby’s shoulder. She let him cry until his tears slowed down.

“Number 363, calm down. You’re Sector Leader. You can’t let the others see you like this.”

“What does it matter? They don’t respect me. Not Lee and not Sonia.“ Harvey was past the point of going after Roberta now. Abby knew that was an improvement at least, so she kept going.

“Before today, I might have agreed with you. But by the way Lee’s acting I think you’ve earned his respect, the way you’re trying to stop Sonia from wearing that toilet paper. And you’ve earned mine.”

Abby smiled and Harvey sniffled, drying his eyes a bit. Suddenly Number 5’s watch began to sound and buzz. Abby gulped audibly as it rang.

“Who is it?” Harvey asked drying his eyes. Number 5 looked down at the watch and saw the call sign. She took a deep breath. “It’s Number 2…and he found something.”

Number 5 really didn’t want to answer the call, not with Harvey sitting right here, but she picked it up. She knew it would have been a bad idea to ignore Number 2, since he was probably calling her from the lab. Who knows what could happen to all of them if she waited. So she picked it up.

Number 2’s hushed whispers came through her watch. “Uh, Number 5? She’s not here. The teenager in the glass is still here, but Number 362 is not here. Over.” Number 2 noticed Harvey sitting next to Number 5 and laughed nervously. “Oh—Hi Harvey…”

But Abby had already hung up.

Harvey started to ask the obvious questions. “Where’s my sister? You two thought she might be somewhere, but she wasn’t. Where were you looking?“

Number 5 took a long gulp of her root beer as Harvey went on. When he finished his questions, she said “Number 2 and I thought she might be here based off of our last visit, but like you and that woman said, she ain’t here. She ain’t here, Number 363!”

Harvey’s shoulders relaxed as he got himself under control again. Suddenly he motioned for Abby to come closer. “This mission wasn’t really about the cake, was it?”

Abby decided to clue him in. ”We came here for your sister, but she’s not here. So Number 5 says we get the next best thing.“

Harvey looked puzzled before Abby explained her scheme.

“We’re going to nab Roberta.“

Harvey’s look of confusion turned to skepticism and then to the bratty little smile that was usually so loathed by Sector V.

“What do you have in mind?” Harvey asked, rubbing his hands together. His face was a perfect picture of boyish glee.

“Let’s just say that our plan is little and comes in black and white.” Abby began to chuckle and Harvey(who got it at once) started laughing too. Abby pressed a couple buttons and got Number 2 back on the line. ”Move Number 6 into position and wait for the signal.”

“Roger that!” Number 2 answered back, smiling down at the baby carrier with a very well-swaddled skunk kit tucked inside. Number 6’s parents were not happy at having to let their son go off twice in one week, but Bradley was excited for his mission. Number 2 took Bradley out of the carrier and placed him in the front passenger seat. “Ready to skunk this drafty old house again, little guy?”

Bradly laughed and nodded his head vigorously. Number 2 maneuvered the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R into position right outside the Delightful Children’s front yard and let the little skunk out.

”Stay on the wall and aim your tail towards all the nice people, but don’t go on the grounds. Wait for the signal.“

Bradley chirped angrily at Number 2.

“Hey Bradley, watch your mouth! If Number 3 heard that, she’d kill me for letting you watch all those movies!”

Number 6 kept muttering as he climbed onto the wall and took his position. Number 2 flew the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R out of sight, lying in wait for whatever happened next.

“You better go tell Lee the plan,” Abby whispered to Harvey. He was just opening his mouth to ask a question when Abby said “Of course we’re not going to tell Sonia! When she gets the cake, tell her to head out the door and go back to the front. She’ll go back to our treehouse and she won’t even know what happened.”

Harvey nodded slowly. He wasn’t the type of operative to rush into these things, but this all added up to him. Still, he had one more question before he left.
”Numbuh 5? What are we going to do with Roberta when we capture her? We can’t just haul her up to Moonbase.”

Abby gave the bartender a signal and he slid another root beer across the counter. “There are some holding cells by Number 4’s room. And no, we’re not going to bother Moonbase about this until we have something to bother them about. When Roberta talks and we have it recorded, then we can tell everybody.”

This seemed to satisfy Harvey, who ran off to tell Lee. Abby hung back for a bit wondering if she should order another root beer.

“Sounds like ye got big plans for today.” chuckled a gruff voice. The bartender, who just happened to also be a Candy Pirate, smiled toothlessly at Number 5. She began to choke on her drink in panic, accidentally spilling it on the counter, but the Candy Pirate began to pound on the girls back in an effort to help her. “Take it easy lassie, old Toothless Tim ain’t going to squeal on ye.”

Number 5 was breathing easily now as she looked at the Pirate. There was nothing out of the ordinary for a Candy Pirate, except he was wearing a golden ring with a white pearl in the middle of it.

“White Coat’s crew?” Abby asked.

“Aye, Captain wanted me to keep an eye on things while he’s away, he has a very keen interest on that witchy woman who struts around like a peaco*ck.”

“Do you know why he’s so interested?”

“As you very well know, Abby Lincoln, a good bartender keeps secrets… everybody’s secrets.” Toothless Tim grinned toothlessly at her. “Now how about another round— if you can keep from choking on it!”

Numbers 4 and 3 were dancing their hearts out across the ball room. Kids and adults alike watched as the two dipped and turned, flipped and flew. The two were one entity and moved more gracefully than any butterfly. If anyone told Number 4 that, he would’ve punched them and said the very idea of that would be enough to make him vomit. But move gracefully he did. Wally and Kuki put even the most enchanting of fairy tale couples to shame. When the song ended, the dancers took a break.

Everyone cheered as Wally and Kuki left the dance floor.

“What are they cruddy cheering at?” Wally asked, panting a little.

“Us!” Kuki said cheerfully.

The two made their way over to the punch bowl hand in hand.

“You were great, Number 4!” Kuki said.

“Thanks, Number 3…“ Wally mumbled, blushing. But the boy’s bashful blush soon became bloody boiling rage as he saw Jenkins coming down the hall.

“Hey! You cruddy butler! I’m not finished with you yet!” Jenkins jumped two feet in the air at the sound of the Australian accent. He began to run looking most undignified of a professional of his status.

”Get back here now!” Wally screamed.

“Wally!” Kuki called. She tried to stop him but he was already out of the room in hot pursuit. A few seconds later he peeked his head through the ballroom door.

“Don’t worry Number 3, I’ll be back for the next set.“

And with that he was off, leaving Kuki standing alone drinking some punch in the ballroom. It hadn’t even been five minutes before she heard someone call her— Well, it was actually someones.

“Kuki Sanban! Please, we need your help.”

She knew those voices. They were the Delightful Children from Down the Lane and they sounded very, very scared.

Abby knew it was going to be a living nightmare to get two different teams of operatives to coordinate such an improvised plan. (Numbuh 6 had been brought along just in case of a trap, but nobody planned on being the ones to do the trapping) Luckily for her, she had a pretty good idea where Kuki and Wally were. She made her way towards the ballroom, but before she even got there she heard one of the kids she was looking for shouting in a nearby room.

“You cruddy butler! I’ll show you for hurting Kuki like that!”

She found Number 4 giving Jenkins the walloping of his life. The man tried to cover his face and bald head with his hands to shield himself from his tiny attacker, but it didn’t seem to be helping.

“Number 4!”

Number 5 put her hands on her hips. Wally gave her a sheepish look. She sighed and looked at Number 4, then Jenkins, then Number 4 again. She sighed “One wedgie. Then meet me in the ballroom. That’s where Number 3 is, right?”

Number 4 grinned and nodded, but Number 5 wasn’t done yet.

“You know, you shouldn’t have left her alone in this mansion.“

Number 4’s glee at being given permission for a wedgie was checked a bit. He looked down and said ”Oh yeah... Sorry, something just flew into me.“

“Have your fun, just hurry back.” As she left the side room, Number 5 could hear Jenkins scream. She had a strange feeling that Jenkins would be limping for months. She smiled at that, but then checked herself. She had a bad feeling that the older she got the more she was turning into her sister.

She passed a sea of kids—some wearing white, some not. It seemed funny a couple of days ago when she was making fun of the Delightful Children for walking around like they were wearing toilet paper mummy costumes. After last night’s conversation with Miracolina, it didn’t seem so funny anymore.

Mummies. In her candy hunting career, Abby had seen more of them than she could count. Some stayed dead, others jumped out of their graves and chased you around whatever sugar-laden shrine you were plundering. Abby could see them now, walking corpses of those who were the most treasured of their civilization with their organs removed and carefully preserved… Another shudder went though her as she entered the ballroom.

To Number 5’s horror, she found Number 3 standing against the wall with one of the Delightful creeps clutching her hands so tightly that his knuckles were turning white. As she approached Number 3 she heard, “Please Kuki, you have to help us get out of here. We don’t want to enter a divided state, we want to stay together!”

Abby shoved The Delightful Children out of the way.

“Scram, you Delightful Creeps. Go on, get out of here!”

“Abigail, please—“ The Delightful Children From Down the Lane looked desperately at her, but she was in no mood to deal with them. “Get. Out.” she hissed and the Delightful Children walked away dejected. If the Kids Next Door weren’t going to help them, then they truly were doomed.

Kuki stared blank-faced at Abby without saying anything.

“Are you okay, Number 3?” Abby asked gently. Before Kuki could answer, Number 4 came running around the corner.

“That took longer th— Hey! Why’s everybody looking at me?”

“While you were gone, the Delightful Children cornered Number 3.” Number 5 said flatly.

“Sorry Number 3…” Wally tried to apologize, but Kuki was still trying to take in what the Delightful Children told her. She didn’t snap out of it until Abby gave them a mission update.

“Number 362 isn’t here.” whispered Number 5 in a hushed voice. “ Harvey just had a little chat with our host. He says that she probably knows where Number 362 is—”

“Are we capturing Roberta?” interrupted Wally, grinning like a cat who just caught his rat.

Abby nodded. “As soon as they fly in the cake, Number 2 will release Number 6 and when everyone’s running away from the stink we’ll get her.”

Skunking the Delightful Children’s house twice in the same week! Number 4 was almost giddy with excitement. Number 3, on the other hand, just stared off into space.

“You okay, Number 3?” Kuki nodded and tried to pay attention to Abby, but she couldn’t help staring towards the punch bowl where the Delightful Children were huddled together. “Number 5?” Kuki asked, but Abby didn’t answer.

“Number 4, you’re with Number 83. Escort her and the cooler back to the Elimonater.“

Number 4 was just the opposite of how he was a mere few seconds ago.

“But Number 5!“ Number 4 complained ”If anyone’s going to manhandle someone, I’m the one who should be doing it! You know that!”

Number 5 glared daggers at him, remembering how he left Kuki alone to get petty revenge on Jenkins(although truth be told, she blamed herself for giving him permission). The glare seemed to make the smaller operative shrink two extra sizes.

Number 5 explained as patiently as possible (with her hands shaking behind her back) what the rest of the plan was. “Number 84 will be enough to subdue Roberta. Number 5 wants her alive. Take Number 3 with you to find Sonia too, Number 4.”

She began to soften as she went on. “Look, Sonia is a flight risk. Number 5 knows that, you know that, we all know that. If she finds out what we’re doing, she might squeal. And if we all have to make a run for it, who says she would even go with us?”

Now the message was clear to Number 4:if Sonia found out what they were doing, that meant making her choose between her team and her tithing whites.

Number 5 took a deep breath. “We may have lost our Supreme Leader to unwinding, but Number 5 doesn’t want to lose any more kids to it. Sonia’s still one of us. If we play our cards right, we can save her.”

Number 5 put a hand on Number 4’s shoulder. “Number 4, if anyone can hurry someone along it’s you. Wasn’t it you who got Number 3 out of the Rainbow Monkey store in under two hours?” The grin was back on his face.

Usually Number 5 wouldn’t have mentioned that shopping trip around Number 3, but Number 5 saw that Kuki’s mind was somewhere else, and Number 5 knew why.

Just then the loud and unmistakable sound of engines began to shake the wicked mansion to its very foundation.

“Go, hurry!” Number 5 called to other operatives, who already began to struggle against the tide of kids making their way to the backyard to get a glimpse at the cake. Kuki tried to say something to Number 5, but Wally pulled her along. There wasn’t much time now. There wasn’t much time at all and all Abby could do was hope Harvey had already talked to Lee.

“What in Zero’s name is Number 5 thinking?” Harvey hissed angrily. “You? On cake retrieval duty with Sonia?“

“I said the same thing!” Number 4 agreed, although he couldn’t help but smile at Harvey’s discomfort.

The smile vanished when Harvey removed his head from his hands to look at the smaller boy. He could make an effort to argue, send someone back to Number 5 and tell her to have Wally and Kuki switched, but by the sounds of the engines outside such an argument would be pointless. If this plan was going to work, then it would have to happen now.

Lee, who had been hanging back, said, “I think it’s time.”

Normally Harvey would have started screaming at Lee, telling him that the Sector Leader was in charge, but he’d been different since Rachel’s disappearance. Lately Harvey had been quite the understanding Leader and even a more patient friend.

Now Harvey nodded and backed off, letting Wally and Lee take charge of the situation. “Good luck…” he mumbled just loud enough for the others to hear him.

Chapter 29: Festiveness

Chapter Text

The Delightful Mansion kept getting bigger and bigger with each passing minute, and with each passing minute Father could see the crowd of children gathering around getting bigger and bigger as well. In a rather childish display, he held up his hand and pretended to crush the vast horde of snot nosed brats between his thumb and pointer finger making crunching sounds as he did. One day, Father decided, he would create a giant shrinking ray and blast a couple dozen of the brats and once he shrank them, squish and step on them for real, like the little co*ckroaches they were; but not today. Today Father was content with the fact that so many of them were wearing tithing whites. Well, if you can’t squish them like bugs, might as well dupe their parents into handing them over to get their organs harvested. Like lambs to the slaughter!

How many of the kids wearing white were afraid? Sure, the ones from Roberta’s world probably weren’t. They’d been raised to be tithes since they’d been born, and also they were older. Those kids were probably nervous, but not as terrified as the kids from his own world. His new partner in business, love and crime had even managed to trick 362 into donning white (that would teach the little goody-two-shoes to make him eat broccoli).

He smiled a hidden smile underneath his nightmarish black suit. The sweetest thing of all, sweeter than even the giant cake he was standing on, was the fact that his own nephew had taken her out.

“I’m sorry Number 362, my little nephew Nigey’s a heartbreaker. But I wouldn’t worry about him so much, because someone else is coming along to steal your heart!” Father laughed a deep hardy laugh at his own private musings. The entire bridge crew stopped and stared at him, wondering who he was talking to. Father stood awkwardly for a second, but then gave them all one of his famous evil glares. They quickly went back to work.

It was just too satisfying to think about his defeat over the Supreme Leader. He couldn’t stop another sad*stic smile from creeping across his face. Would he watch her unwinding? Just as he’d done The Steve’s?

Just as he was about to answer that question, Chef Pierre called him back from his daydream land. “Vather! We are nearly in position, it is time to address zhe Brats!“

Father nodded and went out to take his place.

Wally and Sonia made their way to the large concrete back veranda overlooking the enormous backyard of the Delightful Mansion. The cake, which was twice the size of Cake 5, began to hover ever closer to the earth.

“Holy crud!” Number 4 said from the ground. As the cake made its descent, one thought stuck out in his usually empty head: Would this cake be as good as Cake 5?

He had not been on the last space station-sized cake, Cake 5. Instead, in one of the few instances in Wallabee Beatles’s short life, he had gotten very very lucky. Sure, he’d sat in a stupid Trojan cake in the hottest summer on Northern Virginia’s record, with no AC or water and almost died. But all of that was worth it when a meteor shower of the most delicious birthday cake in the world rained down on him. He ate himself silly and gorged himself on cake and frosting until he had to roll himself back to Sector V’s treehouse in complete satisfied fullness and best of all, he got a front row seat as the Delightful Children chewed out Father.

Where he and Sonia were provided an outstanding view of their target. Wally had intended to get closer but the crowd of kids was enormous and excited. They were crowding the porch and spilling out into the lawn around the giant cake. Every one of them was itching to get a piece.

For a minute Wally was scared that he might have already failed. There were so many kids, it might be impossible to get a piece before Bradley sprayed them down. (Being mindful of Sonia, Wally took a glance down at his watch) If it was just him, this wouldn’t be such a big deal. But Sonia wasn’t going to be crazy about all the cutting, shoving and tackling he was about to do. He sighed and took hold of Sonia’s arm, preparing himself to dive head first and get his piece of cake(more like the Kids Next Door’s piece).

And then Father appeared at the top of the cake.

Wally knew Father’s shape from the many missions he had seen him on. The tiniest silhouette was enough to recognize him, but being able to see Father wasn’t such a challenge anyway because two giant mega screen TVs flew in above the cake, broadcasting his hateful, rage-filled image for all of the crowd to see. Kids from both worlds shivered at the sight.

But something was off. Father wasn’t just in his typical soot black skin suit. Over his shadow-looking typical appearance Father wore a white dress shirt with a bow tie as red as blood, over the dress shirt were a tight fitted pair of suspenders which were also the same striking crimson color. If Wally had to guess why Father was in this strange get up it would be to try and ease the nervous crowd of children but he wasn’t fooling anybody. To the kids who were seeing him for the first time, Father was like something out of a nightmare. But most of the local boys and girls stayed calm. Evil or not, by the looks of things he planed to do them no harm, right? Sure, this was weird, but if this villain was planning to do something to them, it would have happened by now. He wasn’t exactly patient.

Father’s voice began to boom and echo it’s way across the lawn.

“Attention, attention is this thing on?” Father tapped the peppermint stick microphone that was planted into the cake. When he was quite satisfied with the reach of his voice, Father went on. “Well, I’d like to welcome all of you delightful children to MY Delightful Children’s tithing party!”

A surprisingly loud cheer rose from the kids. If any of them had doubts before, the sight of that most magnificent and marvelous cake had blown them clear away.

Father waited smugly for the whispering and cheering to settle down. “As you may have known, in the past, my Delightful Children and I were always a little… stingy with our birthday cake.”

Silence. Dead silence.

Father continued on. “This time is different, though, I can assure you of that. As you all may well know, this is a tithing party, and my Delightful Children have become even more Delightful by donning the tithing whites and vowing graciously to share themselves with the world!” Father paused and for a moment Wally and Sonia thought that he was going to let out one of his evil laughs, indeed he was about to, but he caught himself before continuing. “And, in the spirit of sharing, we only felt it that it would be fitting to share some of their cake.” Applause, loud genuine and boisterous this time.

“Now before we start serving this delicious cake, made with a recipe that was handed down from my Grandmother to me, I feel that it’s only fair that we let our birthday boys and girls blow out their candles. So without further ado… Bruce, David, Lenny, Constance, Ashley? Would you be so kind as to come up to the top of this cake?”

Wally didn’t see the Delightful Children were behind him, but there they were. They walked steadily past where Wally and Sonia were standing.

Wally took a long look at his most bitter enemies and realized they weren’t going to smile or let out a sinister laugh like all their other parties. They each held one another’s hands tightly as they walked past Wally and Sonia. Number 4 swore he could see tears in the Delightful’s eyes and he almost felt sorry for them, even after all the grief they caused to the Kids Next Door, especially his sector.

The huge mass of kids divided to clear a path for Father’s five children. Ice Cream men shepherded them into the cake and for just one moment Number 4 swore that the cake had eaten them. A few seconds later they reappeared at the top.

“Well, isn’t this a problem?” Father chuckled. “It seems, my Delightful Children, that these candles are much to big for me to light and much to big for you to blow out!”

On the Jumbotron TVs the Delightful Children nodded nervously. Number 4,looked down, trying to ignore the twisting ache in his stomach. The Mission. He told himself, think of the mission. The Supreme Leader was at stake, the entire fate of the Kids Next Door and the world is at stake, so just think of the mission.

Father went on in his performance. “Wait! I know just the thing.”

As if on cue, sugar electrical lifts emerged from the cake and lifted both Father and the Delightful Children up to the top. With great showy bursts of flame, Father lit each of the five candles—one for each of the terrified Delightful Children.

“Now, I think such a big birthday cake requires a little more than just one rendition of Happy Birthday, don’t you?”

The tithes from Roberta’s world let out an enthusiastic “Yes!” while the other kids (including Wally) let out a collective groan.

Of course:This was The Delightful Children’s birthday party! There were going to be strings attached, and even if Father was going to give them cake, he was bloody well going to hold out on them until last minute wasn’t he? Father pretended not to hear the groans and the crowd went on to sing a half enthusiastic, half dirge rendition of Happy Birthday. They sung it five times, once for each Delightful Child.

Sonia sang along sweetly. Wally gave her a glare, but she still finished the song. “It’s their party and they’re being nice. Why shouldn’t I sing for them?” she whispered.

Numbuh 4 felt like he could shout at Sonia. In his opinion she was acting even more stupider than a Rainbow Monkey. Sonia had dealt with Father on numerous occasions and even had the unfortunate luck of running into him as a cadet (Number 4 still gave Patton the business about being tricked into deserting his post, and the entire Arctic Base having to be saved by Sonia, Lee and Number 2’s little brother Tommy). If Sonia was able to out-think Father before, then she should know better. Inside his head a storm of fury was building, but he quickly suppressed it. Thinking about this made his stomach start to hurt again. He ignored the little girl in white and tried to think about cake again.

When the singing was done, Father gasped. “Well everyone, I guess I haven’t thought this through all the way. It seems to me that these candles are much too tall for my Delightful Children to blow out. I guess that means no cake!”

Wally was about to lose it. Of course everybody was going to get a cruddy piece of cake! Father was being theatrical and (like most of the kids here) he’d had enough of Father and the Delightful Children’s theatrics to last a lifetime. However, Wally hated to admit it was a little impressive when Father pulled his next trick.

Placing his palms to either side of him like a rocket about to take flight, Father propelled himself upwards into the sky. Hovering at least six feet above the cake and candles, Father snuffed out all five of them with a puff of smoke and rose into the air with the grace of a figure skater doing dips and twirls and pirouettes. Only instead of skating on ice, Father flew in the air skating on flames. At last Father returned to earth (well cake)and took a deep bow. “Bet you kids didn’t expect that!” Father laughed, and the entire crowd went wild.

Wally gulped when he heard Father say that.

“Kids”. Up to this point Father had referred to the crowd as children. Did Father know there were Kids Next Door operatives at the party today? He sent out the invitations, didn’t he?

Wally knew that Father was showing off. He had to be showing off to all the operatives who were there. Wally could almost hear Father cackling in evil delight:“Look Kids Next Door, I can fly now !”

Get the cake and go, Wally thought. That’s the only way: get the cake and get away. For Wallabee Beatles was not the smartest Kids Next Door operative in the world, but there was one thing the boy had: warrior instinct. And his instinct told him that there was a trap here today. And that if they weren’t careful, then they would all end up as Miracolina had said they would. Unwound to nothing. Left in pieces, just like The Steve.

Wally shuddered at that thought. “Why, Number 2? Why can’t you just keep your cruddy mouth shut?”

“What?” Sonia asked confused as Wally muttered to himself.

Without caring if the Delightful Children would see him next to the enormous birthday cake, Wally grabbed Sonia’s arm and began to muscle his way though the crowd. Get the cake and get out. Get the cake and get out.

Chapter 30: Target Located

Chapter Text

Stealthily, quietly, Number 3 and Number 84 made their way through the crowded outside, and then made a sharp left to slip through a side door, ending up back in the now-deserted living room.

“Now what?” Lee asked Kuki. The boy was moving his hand in the familiar rhythm of the Yo-Yo even though he had it tucked in his pocket for the moment.

“Shhh!” Kuki said, putting her finger to her lips. From around the corner came the voices of the guests of honor and their new Mother. They didn’t sound too happy to be in each other’s company.

Grabbing Lee’s hand, Kuki quickly rushed to hide behind a hideous pair of curtains that looked like they should have been hanging off a shower rod instead of the living room. Both of their feet were sticking out, but neither Roberta nor the Delightful Children seemed to notice. Instead they went on arguing with each other.

“You haven’t made even a token attempt to speak to any of your guests. I don’t know why you five have to be so hostile all the time.”

“Hostile?” The united voices of the Delightful Children snarled back at her, ”We’re not the ones planning to have five hundred snot-nosed brats killed for their organs!“

Roberta clicked her tongue disapprovingly at her charges and said “For at least the hundredth time, you all will not die. You’ll just be living in the divided state.”

Roberta spoke calmly and patiently, as if she was explaining it to a toddler. The Delightful Children all let out a collective shudder at the reply. Roberta smiled a knowing tight-lipped smile. The Delightful Children shuddered again.

“Look, I understand that you are having a little bit of separation anxiety, but that’s normal. Every child who has ever been tithed has gone through it to some extent. However, you, I’m afraid, have drawn the short straw because you not only have your own persons to be concerned about being parted with, but also each other.“

The Delightful Children had been taught by their father to take comfort in the reassurance of grown-ups. Roberta’s words, no matter how much her person offended them, seemed to put the Delightful Children at ease. Roberta smiled her prim little red smile again, and the Delightful Children smiled back.

Then she added. “In addition, you are all dealing with great changes in your lives—besides your impending tithing I mean. It’s not easy. For the longest time you children have had your Father all to yourselves. You were the apples of his eye, and now you all feel like you’ve been replaced by me. Is that correct?”

The Delightful Children’s look of vindication showed plainly on their faces as Roberta spun her tapestry of maternal kindness and understanding. They nodded and Roberta embraced them. However, both Lee and Kuki heard what Roberta whispered to all five of the Delightful Children:”You had better get used to it too. Because Father does love me more than he does you.”

In an instant the look of love and trust was replaced with one of sadness and heart break. “He once looked on you Delightful Children as his very own. You were his heirs, his children; but now, you are just pawns to be used in our plans.“

The thoughts and fears of the Delightful Children from Down the Lane were realized as Roberta pulled away from the embrace. The Delightful Children from Down the Lane were naughty children, very naughty children, and they had ways of dealing with people who they didn’t like. For a couple of seconds it looked like they were about to try and kill Roberta, regardless of Father’s orders. They were going to strike her down before she could separate themselves from each other, and their Father. But alas, before they could act an Ice Cream man who was standing nearby whispered to Roberta, “Father wants them on standby.”

Roberta nodded and said brightly,“Well, your Father who loves you all so much wants you ready to mount the cake. Isn’t that exciting? Best do what Delightful Children do best, obey your Father, don’t you all agree?”

Broken, numb and defeated, the Delightful Children turned and exited the living room and went outside. “Poor things.” Kuki whispered and much to his surprise, Lee nodded.

The two Operatives then heard Roberta speak again. “I trust you two can handle security while I powder my nose?”

The voice that replied was a boy’s voice, as firm and solid as a rock. “Of course, Miss Griswold. The Interesting Twins from Beneath The Mountain—“ The small boy said,

“—Father’s greatest spies,” his sister finished “will not let you down!” Roberta walked out, calling behind her “I have complete faith in you two, thank you.”

As Roberta walked out Lee gulped.

“What’s wrong?” Kuki asked.

“The Interesting Twins. I’ve heard stories about them. They’re supposed to be Father’s best spies and fighters.“

Kuki giggled at that. ”Greatest fighters? Maybe greatest liars! Come on, follow my lead.”

Kuki and Lee stepped out of their hiding spots and down a hallway where the Interesting Twins stood guard.

“Hey, you guys!” Number 3 called out cheerfully, making the two Twins tense up as the two operatives moved closer.

“Stay away from us, Kuki Sanban—” The sister said, taking a defensive stance. “—Or you’ll be sorry!” finished her brother. Both Twins trembled as Kuki giggled her usual girlish giggle, but what she said next(although it was said in the same voice as she would talk to a Rainbow Monkey) was quite unusual for her.

“Make me sorry.“

Lee watched Kuki poking the bear that was the Interesting Twins with growing suspense. What was this girl thinking? Hasn’t she heard the stories? Rumors had been spreading thought the various Kids Next Door hangouts that The Interesting Twins from Beneath the Mountain weren’t only Father’s best spies, but also ferocious warriors. Lee slowly got out his yo-yo in preparation thinking that if he did survive this, that it would make for an interesting story. But he shouldn’t have even bothered grabbing his yo-yo, because before Lee could even start unwinding it up and down, Kuki charged.

The Interesting Twins tried to make a stand,but it was embarrassing. Seizing both Twins by the arm, Kuki pulled them together hard enough to make both of them head-butt each other. The Twins laid in a heap on the floor, groaning.

“Those Interesting Twins tell the most interesting stories.” Kuki said cheerfully. Lee nodded, dumbstruck and wide-eyed, although a bit relived . If anyone asked Lee how tough the Twins were, The Twins wouldn’t have to worry, because Lee would keep their secret. He would tell the wide-eyed kids listing that the Interesting Twins had fought like tigers.

The door to the girl’s bathroom stood before the two operatives. Kuki pulled out her ice cream pistol and Lee began to twirl the Yo-Yo over his head in preparation. Technically it was against the Kids Next Door Rules of Engagement to set an ambush when someone was in the bathroom, but today was no time for that.

“You should go in and get her.” Kuki whispered. Lee looked at her, his voice deadpan. “Go inside a girls bathroom? Are you crazy? You’re a girl. Why don’t you go inand get her?“

Kuki giggled softly, “Oh yeah, sorry I’ll go get her!”

Kuki was about to approach the door when a buzzing came from her wrist. She looked down at her communicator watch.
”Hello?” Kuki whispered.

“Number 3, are you in position?” It was Number 5.

“Yeah we are, we’re about to go in right now—!”

“Wait!” Abby said as Kuki had her hand over the doorknob. “Wait for backup. Number 4 should be heading this way in a couple of minutes. I’ll send him over as soon as Sonia’s clear of the mansion, Number 5 out.”

As soon as Number 5 hung up, the Twins were gone, limping in a daze towards the living room. However, as the Twins exited the stage, so stepped The Delightful Children. They were about to say something when a young voice with an Australian accent said from behind them “Alright you Delightful creeps, unless you want me to pump your tithing white underpants full of Ice Cream and give you the coldest wedgie of your lives, you raise your arms nice and slow.“

Number 4 stood behind the Delightful Children, pointing his ice cream pistol at their collective backs. The Delightful Children did as they were told, not in the least because they remembered how Wally had took the wires that Miarcolina had been shocked with and used them to give the Delightful Children the worst electric wedgie that probably any kid had ever had. They didn’t want to try Wally. So they complied as Wally prodded them in the back, making them march forward. “Looks like I nabbed me some Delightful Dorks!“ Number 4 said triumphantly.

“Wallabee, if you just let us speak—“
”Shove it!” Number 4 growled. “Shut up and keep moving.“

The six children made their way closer to the bathroom door. “I got Sonia out of here already, so Number 5 says I can help with the kidnapping,” Number 4 grinned mischievously. He marched his prisoners to the other side of the doorway. “Who knows, maybe we can nab you lot along with your new mommy.” Wally laughed at his own joke. But he wasn’t laughing as the Delightful Children said.” Thank you, for goodness sake, yes, take us with you, please!” Before Wally could process the response from the Delightful Children, the door opened, and Roberta was standing there with Kuki’s ice cream pistol and Lee’s YO-YO trained on her.

Roberta stood there speechless. It was obvious that she wasn’t expecting this. She made a subtle movement towards her pocket to reach for her phone to call Father, but that was a very painful mistake. As soon as she had it, her hand became a throbbing red mass of pain from Lee’s Yo-Yo, knocking the phone to the ground.

“Don’t even think about it, lady.“ Lee said coldly.

Roberta rubbed her red swelling hand gingerly as she spoke. ”I don’t know what you children mean by this, but I can assure you that you will all will be very sorry.”

Lee snapped his Yo-Yo inches above Roberta’s head, hard enough to send a shower of plaster raining down. “Next time it’s your nose.“ Lee said. “Not a word. Now sit down and shut up.”

Roberta fell silent and sat down on the floor, all the while watching the Delightful Children from across the room. Number 4 called Number 5 on his watch. Her face flickered on screen, showing just how nervous she looked.

“We got her...” Number 4 said—and then the watch died. “Crud!” Number 4 muttered, shaking the little gadget angrily.

A few seconds later Number 3’s watch began to buzz. She picked it up .” Hi Number 5 ! Yeah, we got her, did Sonia get the cake ? That’s great ! Maybe we can all have a piece and—“ “Give me that !” Number 4 interrupted, grabbing Kuki’s green sweater covered hand.

“Hey Number 5, yeah we got her and the Delightful Children!”

“Tell them to buzz off and keep the lady in the bathroom until further orders. We’re going to use the crowd as cover. When they start streaming in from Numbuh 6’s stink, we’re heading out. Understood?”

“Understood.” Number 4 said solemnly.

“Number 5 out.”

Wally turned back to the Delightful Children. “Alright, you cruddy Delightful Doofuses! You heard Number 5’s orders. Scram! Clear out of here! Beat it!”

“But Wallabee—” they pleaded.

“—but nothing , I’m going to give you to the count of three ! Eleven, two, six and a half…“

Wally felt Kuki’s small hand on his shoulder. “Wally, let’s listen to them.”

He glared at Kuki, who glared right back. “Fine…“ Wally growled, “make it quick.”

The Delightful Children told them everything. ”As we were trying to tell Miss Sanban back in the ballroom, we don’t want to be tithes. Ever since he met that wretched woman,” The Delightful Children pointed to Roberta on the floor “it seems that Father has completely lost his mind. He doesn’t love us anymore and he wants to get rid of us !”

“And you want to come with us ?” Number 4 said, sounding suspicious.

“Please,” the chorus of voices begged. “If we’re unwound we’ll still be alive, and then... and then…” The Delightful Children began to hyperventilate, ”… and then we would go the rest of our lives separated from each other.“

The Delightful Children hugged each other tight and before Wally could stop her, Kuki rushed in and joined the hug. “You poor things !” she said with tears in her eyes. All of this was getting to be too much for Wally to process— and seeing the blood red predatory grin on Roberta’s face wasn’t helping. Wally took a deep breath.

“Number 84!” Number 4 snapped, “What’s that cruddy adult still doing in the hallway? Didn’t you hear Number 5? She wants her in that bathroom yesterday!”

Lee was more than happy to comply. “You heard Number 4, go use those red lips to kiss Toiletnator.”

Roberta glared at Lee, but reluctantly stepped into the bathroom, leaving the door just barely cracked open.

Before the door closed completely, she said “Nice to meet Nigel’s old sector. I’ll be sure to give him your regards.”

Lee whipped his yo-yo at her, but she was too quick and he had to pull the string back to stop it from breaking the door. Wally gulped at the mention of Number 1, but he quickly dismissed the thought. He had to. She’s saying stuff to throw us off, that’s why she was smiling, that’s why she mentioned Number 1. She’s trying to mess with us.

He left Number 84 to guard the door and went with Number 3 to the end of the hall, but the Delightful Children followed them, pleading.

”You’re the Kids Next Door! It’s your job—!” The Delightful Children begged, but Wally cut them off. ”We helped you creeps out a bunch of times and you’ve always stabbed us in the back!”

“Nonsense! When have we EVER stabbed you in the back?“

“That time at the Zoo.” Kuki chirped brightly.

“Or the time you promised Number 5 a taste of the Fourth Flavor and then you tried to steal it for yourselves!“ Number 4 said angrily.

“Or how about the time Lenny pretended to be working for us.“ Kuki added.

The Delightfuls threw their hands in the air. ”Okay! Okay! Fine, we’ve stabbed you in the back countless times, but you’re still the Kids Next Door, you’re sworn to help kids no matter what!”

Wally huffed angrily. “Last time you said that we ended up being launched sky high by Father after wrecking your house trying to get those teenagers out.“

He crossed his arms, ready to give them an answer.

“No.”

The Delightful Children got on their knees and began to sob. If the Kids Next Door wouldn’t help them, no one would. They cried until Kuki whacked Wally on the back of the head.

“Hey!” Wally said, but she wasn’t done.

“Number 4, I can’t believe you won’t help them! How can you be so mean?” She tilted his head so she could look him in the eyes. Wally looked into hers, shook his head and turned away. “Number 3, not only are they the Delightful Children, but the woman in there is our target. She knows what happened to 362, she’s the one who knows what’s going on around here— Besides that, they’re the Delightful Children!”

“Please, Wally, could you at least call Number 5 and ask for me?”

Number 4 wanted to say no, but the sight of Number 3’s eyes melted his heart slightly. “Alright, fine“ he said, “but whatever Number 5 says goes, got it?” Kuki nodded and he gently took Number 3’s green clad arm and called Number 5.

“Number 5?” Number 4 asked.

“Is something wrong?” Abby’s voice was filled with alarm. “What’s going on?”

“Uh, Number 5, it seems we have a ...what’s the word for it a ... a ... Complication.”

“What is it?” Number 5 said patiently.

“It’s the Delightful Children, they want to come with us ... They want us to save them.“ Number 4 braced himself, just his rotten luck, going to the cruddy Delightful Children’s house twice in one week and then having to save them of all things. She’s going to sigh and tell me to somehow manage to get that cruddy adult and them out at the same time with a crowd trampling all around and Father angrier than usual. Thanks Kuki. But what came on the other end of the line shocked and in a way made Wally sicker than the idea of the nightmare mission he had just imagined.

“Number 5 heard them tell Number 3. Tell them to get lost, Number 4. That woman’s our target.”

Chapter 31: The Truth Is Out

Chapter Text

The cake tasted better than even Father had dared to hope. His Gran-Gran’s recipe plus the advancement of modern technology was truly a powerful combination. He sat atop the cake where the Delightful Children had mournfully blown out the candles. They were all very anxious about being tithed. Good, Father thought, that will teach the little brats some respect.

Later on tonight he would have them open their two gifts. One of them was a new mech suit, the other their old clothes. This whole thing had gone on long enough. He wouldn’t give up his precious Delightful Children for anything in the whole world.

By my reckoning, they’ve learned their lesson. A couple of weeks thinking that they were going to have their organs harvested should teach them to respect me.

When they got their old clothes back, they would run to his embrace with open arms and be the picture of gratitude.Roberta always had the best ideas.

The cake was not actually his Grandma’s recipe. Oh yes, it did indeed have a lot of his Grandmother’s recipe in it, but her cake was an old fashioned cake. This, like the original Cake Five station, was an ice cream cake. His current piece had a combination of his favorite (Rocky Road) and the legendary Fourth Flavor. Personally he liked Rocky Road better, but the Fourth Flavor did live up to the legend. That 19th Century kid had been so useful. It was truly wonderful what secrets a human brain could hold once you’ve broken it all down. Father enjoyed his cake noisily until he was interrupted by Chef Pierre.

“How zo you like your cake Zather?” Chef Pierre asked.

“It’s very good Pierre, but it would be whole lot better if I didn’t have someone standing over me while I ate!” Father blazed bright regardless of the delicate confection beneath him. Most people would have cowered at such a display of anger from Father, but Chef Pierre didn’t even flinch. “Zo sorry to interrupt Father. But I would be careful zhough, you’re making such a mess of my creation!”

Father cooled off, but he was as pouty as a spoiled toddler. “Doesn’t matter, cakes been served anyway.”

“Yes, but what about leftovairs?”

Father said nothing to this but instead kept eating.

“You still here?” Father asked sulkily

“Are you zure you do not want anything else? Do you wish for your Children to join you?”

“Nah, it’s okay. They got their pieces right?”

“How do zhey like it? They zaid zhey liked it, although I don’t think they had much of an appetite.“

Father couldn’t help himself an evil little chuckle. The most delicious birthday cake I’ve ever made for them, and they can’t even enjoy it! The irony was almost sweeter than the cake, the most delicious cake and the world and children (even if they were his precious children) were in misery. Today was a good day. All was right with the world... Although not for long.

Chef Pierre was standing very close to the edge of the cake. One moment he was there, the next he wasn’t. Father was confused, thinking he must have gone back though the chocolate trap door but when Father stood up he saw the trap door was still open. He then saw the skid marks in the icing where the good chef had lost his footing... Why would he lose his footing?

And then the smell hit him. It was a foul, horrible stench. Father had the misfortune to be acquainted with it very well because only yesterday, his house reeked of it in some parts. It was a skunk’s protective and pungent odor, only ten times worse. And now the foul fumes were all over his Delightful Children’s party and all over the cake. The Cake was now almost certainly ruined and Father was angry, VERY, VERY ANGRY!

Benedict angrily stomped down the grand sugar staircase and onto the lawn. It was total chaos. It was amazing that no one ran in fear from Father as he stalked across the lawn; his bright orange flames burned all around him with hellish fury. A group of kids(from Roberta’s world, no less!) just seemed to stare at something on the ground instead of him.

How were these soft tithes not terrified? Father thought as he made his way towards the little group. Unfortunately, the answer became quite clear as he approached. The three tithes were looking down at a crater about six feet deep and very man-shaped. When Father looked down he thought with much black humor that the three soft little tithes were going to need a lot of therapy. For in that man sized crater in the earth laid the remains that had once been the culinary mastermind Chef Pierre. Each set of white robes was now splattered with a bit of red. All three boys stood motionless not uttering a word.

How much did Boss rent him to me? And how much am I going to have to pay now that he’s dead? The cake was ruined and now the most brilliant evil adult pastry chef was dead. And so were the little brats who did this.

Father approached the crowd of kids pushing and shoving to get inside. Sucking in a large deep breath, Father yelled “MOVE!” and let out a shower of sparks to go with it. The crowed of seventy or eighty kids turned around and stared wide-eyed at Father with unparalleled fear.

“NOW!” Father demanded and like rats, the kids who hadn’t already made it inside the mansion rushed to get out of the way and the ones inside scattered down some corridor or up a staircase. Father passed though the sea of children and closed the door behind him. As soon as he did the kids still trapped on the other side screamed and banged on the fine glass French doors to be let in. Numbuh 6’s stench filled the air. The open air had dispersed the smell much more than it had done inside the house the previous day, but it was still noxious and many children had passed out.

“Well, lots more will too.” Father thought as he made sure the door was locked behind him. He waved mockingly at the kids as he continued into the living room—and just then he got a call on his cellphone. It was Roberta.

Wallabee Beatles pulled many stupid stunts and picked many stupid fights in his short life, but as he fought the stampede of kids fleeing Number 6’s stink he figured that this had to be the stupidest. Going to bat for the Delightful creeps and disobeying Number 5’s plan? Of all the stupidest things he had ever done this had to be the worst. After much shoving and pushing, Number 4 arrived in the Delightful Mansion’s Parlor, which Abby and Harvey had turned into their command center.When Wally entered, the two Sector Leaders just stared at him. He took a gulp of air before shutting the door behind him. The way the door shut was surprisingly quiet by Number 4’s standards, but to the three kids who were in that room, it was louder than a fire alarm.

For a moment Harvey and Abby thought they’d been discovered. They both thought that when they turned around, Father would be standing there ready to roast them to ashes. But the figure that darted through the door was much tinier.

Abby curled her hands into fist and hissed “What are you doing here? Didn’t Number 5 just get on you about deserting your post?”

All Wally had to say for himself was “We have to get them out.”

Harvey jumped up from his lunch box laptop he was working on. “She said, ‘end transmission‘. What don’t you get by end transmission? Do you have spitballs cramped up your ears?”

Number 4 ignored Harvey. Instead he looked at Number 5, whose face made Wally look at the ground. “The Delightful Children asked you for help back in the ballroom and you didn’t tell anybody?”

Now it was Abby’s turn to look ashamed. She might have been about to say something, but then Harvey cut in.

“And she was right! Those creeps have been giving us trouble for years and now they want our help? Of all the nerve!”

Harvey stomped right up to Wally’s face and if they were any closer they’d be kissing. If Harvey kept getting spittle into Number 4’s face, he would be liable to come away without a nose. However, Number 5 intervened before things could get worse. Her first instinct was to grab for Harvey, but instead she put her hands on Wally and spun him around to face her.

“Number 4.“ She didn’t sound angry anymore, just worn out. “That woman has 362 somewhere, that woman has infiltrated the Kids Next Door, that woman...” she pulled Number 4 closer for what she wanted to tell him, ”has the Galactic Kids Next Door under her thumb.”

“Number 1 wouldn’t leave the Delightful Children.” blurted out Number 4.

Number 5 clenched her fist. “Number 1 ain’t here, and if he was, he wouldn’t hesitate to turn us all over to that snake!” Number 5’s entire body was shaking from rage and fear.

Without any warning, Harvey stepped between the two other operatives. “Are you serious?! Your old leader is rogue, the Galactic Kids Next Door are rogue and they’re all taking orders from Roberta Griswold?!”

Abby tried to calm Harvey down. “Number 363, I’m sorry. Yes, we heard a couple of days ago from an anonymous source that the GKND is rogue, but they’re not working with Roberta. Numbuh 5 just misspoke.”

“You’re lying.” Harvey’s voice was getting louder and louder as he went on, “You lied to me!”

“Well, it was worth a try. Yes, Number 5 lied and she’s sorry. She’s also sorry for this.” Without a word, Numbuh 5 gave Number 4 a small motion. Before Harvey could try to bolt, Number 4 gave him a hard knock to the head with his fist, leaving a small dent on the back of his helmet. Harvey was out like a light.

Abby sat down on the floor and covered her face with her hands. Nothing today seemed to be going right. “Number 4, call Number 3. Tell her Number 5 needs to talk to her right now.”

But Number 4 didn’t budge. “About Numbuh 1–”

“Numbuh 5 doesn’t want to hear it!” Abby looked like she hadn’t slept in a week. Weren’t they all going out for ice cream together less than a week ago?

Wally walked over to Abby and sat down next to her. “You didn’t let me finish. Number 1 would save those Delightful Dorks because you wouldn’t let him leave them.”

Abby looked up in confusion as Number 4 went on. “As my official duty as second in command of Sector V, it’s my job to call the sector leader out on any cruddy plans, just like you did with Number 1.”

Abby’s fist clenched and for a moment she looked angrier than before, but then her communicator watch started beeping.

“Hellooo!” Kuki called over the watch. “Hello? Everything okay over there?”

Abby took a deep breath. She’d made this mistake once before by leaving a young kid who was trapped in the Delightful Mansion, and she wasn’t about to make it again.

“Number 3, this is your Sector Leader speaking with your new orders. Get them out. Get the Delightful Children out!”

Chapter 32: No Going Back Now

Chapter Text

“Okie dokie artichokie!” came the bubbly reply of Number 3, but no sooner then she spoke was she roughly knocked over by a burst of brimstone. Father had arrived, and he had brought half of Hell with him.

Number 3’s image on the screen of Number 5’s watch began to cut out, become fuzzy, and then went black.

“TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED” the screen read.

“Kuki? Kuki?” Number 4 called out, grabbing Number 5’s wrist and desperately shaking it and screaming the girl’s name.

“Kuki!”

Wally fell over as Abby seized her arm and spun towards the door, ice cream pistol already drawn. “You comin'?”

A smile was on Number 5’s face—the same smile Wally had seen a buhmillion times before, that smile meant a bloody good fight was about to happen, and a bloody good fight was a bloody good time as far as Wallabee Beatles was concerned.

“Yeah!” Number 4 ran for the door— and then they heard the groan. Both operatives stared at the semiconscious boy on the floor and both sighed.

“What about him?” Number 4 asked.

“Number 5’s got it, I’ll just call Number 2 and—“

“That’s not what I meant, Numbuh 5.”

“We’ll deal with him later.” Abby said with a sigh. “Until then, grab his ice cream blaster.“ She smiled for what felt like the first time all day. “ Number 5 always told you we can’t ever have too much ice cream!”

The two grinned from ear to ear at each other and while Wally rummaged though Harvey’s pockets looking for his pistol, Abby called Number 2.

“Number 2, we need a med evac in the Delightful Children’s front parlor, it’s Harvey.”

“Good thinking knocking Harvey out, Number 5!” Hoagie said jokingly, but there was no hint of a smile over the radio.

”Just get here now!“

“Jeez, it was just a joke!” Hoagie said absentmindedly to his skunk co-pilot. Bradley said something in skunk, to which Hoagie replied “Yeah, you can say that again.”

“Number 2?” Abby’s voice came back over the radio, which made Hoagie jump.

”Uh… yeah?” Number 2 replied sheepishly, hoping his Sector leader hadn’t overheard him.

“Number 363 may be a little ... confused when you pick him up, just have Number 6 knock him out if he becomes too disruptive.”

“Roger that!” Number 2 said relived as he pulled up on the yoke that controlled the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R and steered back towards the mansion.

“FREEZE RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE!” Father shouted maniacally as he stalked down the hall . Number 3 barely dodged immolation as the first fireball burned brightly in the exact same spot she was standing mere seconds ago. The Delightful Children cowered behind Number 3, shutting their eyes tight so they would not have to look into their Father’s angry sulfur eyes.

Lee flung the bathroom door wide open and, using his Yo-Yo as a vine, swung himself behind the door to use it as cover.
As gently as panic would allow, Kuki led the Delightful Children across the hall like a kindergarten teacher leading her students out of a burning building and placed them behind her.

As soon as both operatives were behind their flimsy and very flammable cover, they began the futile effort of blasting Father with ice cream. It was not all in vain—the frozen treat slowed him down— but just like in a horror movie that both the two operatives were too young to have seen but saw anyway, on and on the shadowy silhouette came, making his slow and silent advance.

Usually ice cream pistols were good with dealing with Father… if you were doing a running retreat, which was what they had planned to do in the first place. Nobody in Sector V or W had planned or particularly wanted to have a a prolonged showdown with Father. It was too risky. So they chose the pistols instead of any heavier ice based weaponry.

To their credit, the ice cream pistols did do their job and actually managed to slow Father down a bit, but the barrage of frozen dairy desserts didn’t stop him.

It was too dangerous to break off the attack and try to outrun the pyromaniac who was quickly advancing forward. No cover was along the narrow corridor and even if they could try and break contact to make a run for it, the Delightful Children couldn’t keep up. Neither Kuki or Lee would even think of leaving them toFather (who was becoming angrier and angrier with every ice cream blast) or that wretched woman for that matter.

No longer looking so prim and motherly, Roberta took advantage of Lee flinging the door open as soon as she could. She was crawling and slithering like a snake out of the bathroom on her hands and knees, dodging a gauntlet of fire and ice. She crouched behind Father, thanking him for the rescue and playing the damsel in distress to perfection.

Father heard his lover’s gratitude and wanted to stop and enjoy it, but now there were snot-nosed brats to deal with. He was in his element then, the evil authoritarian adult, he was toying with them and they probably knew that. All he had to do was raise his pinky finger and their desperate little attempt at cover would literally go up in flames. He was just about to do just that when he felt the stinging cold of three ice cream scoops hit his head.

Father had been doing just fine advancing into the blizzard before, but this latest assault threw him off balance. He went from advancing menacingly to lying on the floor in a state of shock from the brain freeze.

Now of instead of two operatives now four stood in the corridor catching their breath and panting heavily.

“Nice save!” Lee said, giving Abby a punch to the shoulder. Kuki scooped Wally into a hug so tight that he dropped Harvey’s ice cream pistol that he’d brought along. She kissed him repeatedly on the head Normally, Number4 wouldn’t had let her do that, but right now he didn’t even try to stop it.

Number 5 cleared her throat and addressed her comrades.
“Unless we don’t want to have our butts barbecued, Number 5 suggests we hightail it on out of here right now !”

Everyone nodded their heads and began to turn to go.

Then the dark silhouette on the floor sprang back to life. “YOU ROTTEN SNOT—NOSED BRATS!“

Father spun around in a circle, spraying the entire room with flames like a fireworks display gone horribly wrong.

“COME INTO MY HOUSE, THREATEN MY WIFE, TRY TO TAKE MY KIDS!”

Father’s flames had separated the operatives from Roberta and the Delightful Children, and now Father advanced upon the Kids Next Door with murderous intent.

Forget the surgeons Roberta has on standby, forget waiting, I’ll finish these brats here once and for all! Father began to cackle loud and long, creating a ball of flame and pitch about as large as a beach ball he prepared to crash it down into the operatives, who in the face of Father tried one last ditch effort to cool Father with their now 4 ice cream pistols. With one swat of his hand, Father melted the weapons before their very eyes. The fire ball was now high above Father’s head and as he prepared to strike, Kuki grabbed hold of Wally’s hand, and then Wally grabbed hold of Abby’s hand, and Abby took hold of Lee’s. They hurtled close and braced themselves for the bad burning blistering death that was coming any second...

Then across from the blazing inferno that was Father, the Delightful Children saw the ice cream pistol and they knew what they had to do. It was against every fiber of their being to do what they did, but they did it. While Father gloated over the fallen and trapped operatives, The Delightful Children From Down the Lane made a mad dash for the last intact 2x4 weapon in sight. They almost didn’t get it, for Roberta, who had just propped herself up against the wall, was gaging the situation and saw the gun too. For a millisecond, all twelve hands reached but it was Lenny who got a hold of it. Before he or any of the other Delightful Children had any time to reconsider what they were about to do, Lenny pulled the trigger point blank range, sending a cold lump of Rocky Road into the back of Father’s head full force. Father crumpled over again, shivering from probably the worst case of brain freeze ever recorded.

The Delightful Children stood there in complete horror at what they had just done. Without Father the flames were without someone to control them and if things weren’t contained the whole mansion would burn down. The Kids Next Door operatives were in more shock than the Delightful Children and they were even still more surprised when it was The Delightful Children who spoke first.

”Come on! We don’t know how long Father will be out!”

The chaos caused by Bradley had not subsided as the nine children made their way out into the main circle outside, where dozens of kids with tears in their voices were calling their parents to come pick them up. Roberta had called the fire department and the fire engines were just pulling in as the party of nine (4 Kids Next Door Operatives and 5 Delightful Children) made their way outside. Number 5 led the procession with Lee, followed by Number 3, then The Delightful Children and Number 4 serving as the caboose. Even though The Delightful Children had defected, they were still the Delightful Children and had to be treated as dangerous prisoners.

“Where do you creeps get the idea of handling weapons like that?” Wally scolded in a low harsh growl. They had to be careful not to attract too much suspicion as they made their way out, so their formation was loose but still cohesive.

“We got the idea when you Kids Next Door almost got yourselves killed!” The Delightful Children retorted.

Wally kicked them along as they entered a large crowed of kids. “Yeah, well, if I see you touch a toothbrush without me telling you it’s okay then that electric wedgie I gave you lot yesterday will seem like nothing!”

The crew made their way past the Delightful Mansion’s large golden gates and high cement wall and they all sighed in relief as the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R came into view.

“Go, go, go!” Hoagie called as he opened the door to take in the passages. Lee went first followed by the Delightful Children then Wally then Kuki and Finally Abby. Hoagie gave Abby a look when the Delightful Children came in instead of Roberta. Abby gave Hoagie a smile and the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R took off vertically. Hoagie plotted a course for home. All seemed right in the world. Kuki held Bradley and bounced him up and down while Wally stared the Delightful Children down with a Splanker in hand to make sure they didn’t get any funny ideas. Abby found herself taking a deep sigh of relief.

But then she heard the groaning coming from Harvey, who was propped up against Lee’s shoulder. That spoiled the mood. For the rest of the short ride home Abby could only think one thing.

Man, I knew I should have told Harvey the whole story! Abby sighed, giving herself the equivalent of a mental beating as she cursed herself on how poorly things had gone that day.

Chapter 33: Miracolina

Chapter Text

Miracolina scanned the horizon from the treehouse bridge. Today had been a very busy day. The telephone that Monty and Jenny had set up for her worked just fine and the first thing she did was call her parents.

“Hello?”

The voice on the other end sounded desperate and scared. Miracolina decided that she had been having to call her parents and tell them where she was far too often over the last year and a half. “Hey Mom, it’s me! I’m safe!”Miracolina said brightly.

“Where are you?” her mother asked frantically. Miracolina froze, wondering what to tell her. The truth would be the best answer, although she knew that telling your Mother that you’d been kidnapped by aliens and hauled off to another dimension probably wasn’t the most realistic sounding thing in the world, no matter how true it may be. So instead she said, “I’m safe, that’s all that matters.”

“Miracolina?” Another voice cut in. This one she recognized immediately due to its familiarity—and also because she heard the distinct sounds of a kinkajou.

Great, more monkeys, she thought. ”Lev?” she answered back.

“Where are you?” Lev asked. “Safe.” she insisted, but Lev wasn’t having it.

“Where?” he asked again.

“I don’t think that’s any of your business. I told you I was safe. You’re just going to have you take my word on that. Furthermore—”

“Miracolina!” Lev had a note of pain in his voice and that note of pain kept her from hanging up. She realized with a jolt that she was going on in the same voice she had used with Lev so many times, the voice of royalty addressing a rat—or a tithe addressing a former clapper. “What is it, Lev?” She said tiredly.

“It’s Connor and Risa. They’ve been missing for two weeks now, and you went missing too and—”

Miracolina let out a growl of defeat. She had to tell him the truth. ”I’ve seen them.”

“What? When?”

“I saw them when I was kidnapped with them, but I escaped.“

“Kidnapped by who?”

Miracolina paused, still unsure if she should tell him. Lev asked her again. “Miracolina. Who kidnapped you?”

The silence hung in the air until she took a deep breath and said “…Aliens.”

“Aliens?” Lev sounded like he thought he hadn’t heard right.

“Aliens.” Miracolina said firmly. Now it was Lev’s turn to go silent.

He finally broke the silence. “Did you mean you don’t know who it was, or…”

Miracolina clenched both her fists. It was the same voice he had used with her at their first meeting at the Cavenaugh mansion.

“Don’t you dare talk down to me, Lev Tashi’ne!” She could hear Lev quiver on the other end of the line. Good, she thought. ”I’m not crazy! I was kidnapped by aliens who are working with that Roberta woman on the news and now she and this other guy named Father are trying to bring unwinding to another dimension and maybe try and bring it back to ours, and there was this little bald boy who’s… working with the aliens… and…”

When she got to the part about the little bald boy, that was about when she realized how completely crazy she sounded. She let out another growl and kicked a wooden console on the Treehouse’s bridge.

“Are… you still there?” Lev finally asked.

Miracolina almost hung up on him right then and there, but before she did, Lev said, “I believe you.”

“Really?” She could tell by the tone in Lev’s voice that he most likely didn’t. She heard him sigh.

“Not exactly… but I do think you saw something. Look, Connor, Risa and Hayden went missing a couple of weeks ago. I think they were keeping in contact with the Admiral. You remember him, right? Maybe he’ll know something.”

“Okay.” Miracolina said.

“Are you mad at me?”

Miracolina sighed. ”No more than usual, Lev, no more than usual. I’ll call you back if there are any further developments.“

After Lev’s reaction to the aliens, she wasn’t about to say “I’m staying with a spy organization run entirely by kids who battle adult tyranny and also we’re in a giant treehouse.” There would plenty of time to say I told you so later ...she hoped.

So Miracolina hung up just as Jenny Uno entered the bridge carrying a tea set.

“Boyfriend?” Mrs. Uno asked. Before the teenager could ask her how she knew, Mrs. Uno clicked her tongue and said, “You can see it in a girl’s face when they have to deal with their man’s nonsense.”

“Does it get any easier?” Miracolina asked.

“Do you want me to lie?” They both laughed at that.

Jenny Uno and Miracolina had tea and talked for a good hour. When Miracolina asked where Monty was, Jenny told her he was tinkering with a project that he had been working for for a while. Eventually the conversation somehow came around to Miracolina’s life as a tithe.

“It’s weird, you know, you spend the first twelve years of your life dedicating it to this great big important thing, something so much bigger and so much better than yourself, only for it to be snatched away just like that.“

Jenny looked down into her tea, stirring it with her finger. “I don’t see how any parent could give up a child... It’s so wrong. How did your parents live with themselves every day knowing they were going to give up their own child?”

Miracolina heard the scorn in Jenny’s voice. She stood up and was about to defend her parents, but she sat down again when she saw the tears in Jenny’s eyes.

“Was this really about me?”

Miracolina was sure Jenny came up here to check on her, but she couldn’t help but wonder if talking about giving up a child hadn’t stirred up some of Jenny’s regret about Nigel.

“So what’s the big project that Mr. Uno is working on?” Miracolina asked, trying to change the subject.

“Oh...” Jenny said, sniffling a bit, “well, to be honest, dear, that’s sort of tip-top secret information.”

“Ah.” Miracolina said, looking down. She was still not quite used to this strange new world of codes and treehouses. She drank her tea in silence, lost in thought, until out of nowhere Jenny let out a girlish giggle. “It involves the Delightful Children’s toenails.”

“What?” Miarcolina asked.

“You heard me.“ Jenny said, completely unable to keep a straight face.

“Do I even want to know what he’s doing?“ Miracolina asked, trying not to laugh but completely and utterly failing.

”I’m sorry, but that’s tip toe information!” Both of them laughed as they both finished their tea. Once they finished, Jenny took the tea set and headed for the door.

“It’s okay, Mrs. Uno, we’re going to bring him back.” Miracolina said trying to reassure her. Jenny looked back and smiled sadly. “Of course we will, dear. I know we will.”

As Miracolina watched the radar, the pang of worry that had started about five minutes after the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R had first pulled out of the hangar returned ten times stronger. It was a miracle that they had all escaped that horrible mansion once this week. The Bible said you should not put God to the test, and to Miracolina, going back to that mansion was just asking for trouble. She was about to go looking for Jenny to see if she could give her something, anything, to keep her mind of the seven kids who were putting themselves in mortal peril, when the strange Limo aircraft began to slowly rise up over the horizon. “They’re back!” Miracolina shouted to the empty treehouse.

Then, with a sudden burst of energy, she ran the full length from the Bridge of Sector V’s treehouse to Nigel Uno’s house and repeated her message again and at the top of her lungs. “They’re back, Mr. and Mrs. Uno! They’re back!”

Soon the three were waiting in the Treehouse’s main hangar (which also served as Number 2’s room). The Unos had not planned on meeting the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R (mainly because of Sector W’s presence) but as soon as Miracolina called them the pair of them rushed up to the hangar like kids on Christmas morning to see what gifts Santa brought them. Monty Uno must have been a particularly good boy that year, because he was quite pleased on what first emerged out of the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R’s hatch.

“Alright, you lot! Don’t dawdle!” Came an imperious Australian accent

“We weren’t dawdling. We were just—Ahhhhh!”

Miracolina stood in shock as her tormentors, the Delightful Children from Down the Lane, were shoved harshly out of the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R and landed face down right at her feet. When they looked up, a sense of dread and utter terror filled the five devilish little villains as they stared into Miracolina’s vivid green eyes.

She knew she should be above it. Even though the Delightful Children had shocked and starved her, they were children four if not five years younger than herself. But she couldn’t help it. A Cheshire Cat grin formed on her face and she said as she starred down like a cat who caught her canary (or canaries in this case) and said... “Hi .”

Chapter 34: Fallout

Chapter Text

The Delightful Children from Down the Lane did not stare up at Miracolina’s Cheshire Cat grin for very long. For no sooner did she utter her greeting then they began to run around the hangar like a chicken with its head cut off.

Abby, Hoagie, Wally and Kuki had all been on the receiving end of the Delightful Childrens’ ‘hospitality’ many times, and they all quickly decided that saving them had already gone above and beyond the call of duty, so they made no effort to stop what was happening. Miracolina made the five devious brats run a gauntlet around the hangar. The Kids Next Door operatives watched with glee, shouting encouragement to both Miracolina and the Delightful Children.

“Hike up your robes, guys! I wouldn’t want to be caught by her right now! She’s pretty cranky!“ Number 5 laughed.

“Come on, Miracolina! You can do better than that, they're all bunched up together, come on, run faster! Make those Delightful Creeps pay!” Number 4 shouted.

“Whatever you do, don't hurt them too badly or else I’ll be the one having to patch them up!” Even Number 3, who hours before had been advocating for the Delightful Children continued existence whole, was giggling at the scene. Bradley, who Number 3 held nestled safely in her arms, shook his bulldozer arm in the air and said something in Skunk that made Number 3 laugh when he said it.

Number 2 tapped Number 5 on the shoulder. “Hey Number 5, isn’t it SHOCKING how fast predatorbecomesprey?” Despite laughing so hard that she was not able to get any words out, Abby still managed to bop Hoagie on the back of the head with her hat.

This would have been a much crueler spectacle had it not been plainly obvious to everybody there (except wthe Delightful Children, that is )that Miracolina wasn’t really going to hurt her targets—well, at least not too badly. Even Monty and Jenny stood back and watched her chase the five with amusem*nt.

The chase would have gone on a little longer if not for the startling, ear-piercing rage-filled shriek that came from back inside of the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R. Harvey had just woken up and he was not happy. The eleven kids, two adults and one teenager fell silent at the furious Sector leader as he made his way down the E.L.I.M.O.N.A.T.E.R’s ornate gangway. He marched straight up to Number 5 and smacked her hard across her face.

All at once, Hoagie, Kuki and Miracolina were on him, tackling and pinning him to the ground.

“Don’t touch me!” Harvey shouted, “you lying bunch of booger eaters!“

Number 5 just stood there with a small red angry handprint on her face not saying a thing. Lee had gone from elated from watching Miarcolina mildly terrorizing the Delightful Children to his usual state, which was absolute embarrassment about having Harvey as a Sector leader.

Still, he did his best to calm Harvey down.

“Chill out Harvey, you can’t do that! What’s the matter with you?”

Much to Hoagie and Kuki’s surprise, Number 4 did not take the golden opportunity to punch Harvey’s face in, but instead he looked questionably up at Number 5.

“Uh, Number 4, I need a little help over here,“ Hoagie called, rubbing his free hand against the fingernail scratches on his face.

“Number 5?“ Number 4 asked, waiting for an order. Abby sighed. “Let him up.“

Number 2 was flabbergasted. “But—“

”I said Let him up!”

Harvey brushed off the hands that held him down, walked right back up to Abby and slapped her again. “Next time I’ll hit you back.” Abby growled darkly. Harvey was thinking about taking her up on the offer when Monty stepped between the two.

“There'll be none of that.” Monty said gruffly, “Young man, you’re a sector leader. You should be ashamed of yourself —''

“You’re Number 1’s dad, Number Zero! I know you’re supposed to be decommissioned!”

Usually smarting off at somebody and pulling regulations would bring a pompous, self-satisfied grin to Harvey’s face, but now there was no smile, only a grim look of betrayal and hurt. He pushed his way past the illustrious Number Zero with a surprising amount of strength and pointed an accusatory finger at Abby. “So not only do you put the lives of some of our greatest enemies ahead of our supreme leader’s, it seems like you are also harboring fugitive overage operatives.“

Number 5 was about to point out that IT WAS the Supreme Leader who gave express permission to let Nigel’s parents keep their memories, but before she could say that, Harvey turned to Lee and said in a very calm tone “Hey Lee, did you know that Numbuh 1’s gone rogue? And not only rogue but in league with the same people who want to see my sister and Soniagive up their organs?“

Everyone in the room froze. Lee, who up until this point thought that Harvey was just being his usual bratty self, actually dropped his yo-yo.

“What?” Lee said in shock.

“Oh yeah, apparently the Galactic Kids Next Door are really big into harvesting kids' and teenagers' organs and taking over the world.”

Miracolina gave Abby a tired glance of “I told you we should have told him”before saying “Harvey, look, it’s not like that. Nigel’s being manipulated the same way your sister was, the same way Sonia is, the same I was—”

Harvey wasn’t having it. Worst of all, Miracolina had made the fatal mistake of trying to put a comforting arm around his shoulder.

“Don’t touch me!” Harvey screamed angrily, “Don’t you ever touch me! The one chance we had of finding out anything about where my sister is is gone, all because you old geezers put the lives of those monsters—” Harvey pointed towards the Delightful Children “—ahead of my sister! Not only that, but you guys lied to me about your old buddy being in on it. Come on Lee, we’ll save Sonia ourselves. We don’t need these old farts.”

Spinning his Yo-Yo up and down, Lee followed Harvey into the old DC Subway car that had been converted into Sector W’s main ship and soon they were out of sight.

“Oh man…“ Abby sighed, “Numbuh 5 needs a root beer.''

“What are we going to do now?“ Miracolina asked. Abby turned to her and suppressed the urge to smart off and say “what are WE?”Instead she said, “I guess I’m going to have to keep buzzing Sector W until they pick up.” Abby sighed and said “Number 5 ain’t looking forward to kissing his butt, but I guess I deserve it.”

“You do,” Miracolina said flatly, “ you should have told him.”

Still barely suppressing the urge to mouth off, or better still do what Harvey did to her a couple of minutes ago, Number 5 said “I know.”

“You don’t think he’ll tell Moonbase that we have the Delightful Children, do you?“ Number 2 asked.

Number 5 considered this before saying “Nah, knowing Harvey he’s been blowing up Moonbase with calls about his sister. Number 86 probably told him to cool it. Besides, Number 5 and Miracolina told him that some kids on Moonbase might be with that Roberta woman too.”

“Is 86 involved?” Number 4 asked.

“I already told you, Number 5 don’t know.”

“Hey! Where are you lot running off to?” Number 4 asked the Delightful Children, who during Harvey’s outburst had tried to slink away from the situation.

“Nowhere, we were just…” “You got that bloody well right nowhere, you are going nowhere, you Delightful Dorks chose to come along with us so you’re bloody well going to stay with us. Where do you want them, Number 5?”

Number 5, whose mind had flown out the hangar bay right after Harvey’s ship, had to make an abrupt U turn. “Uh … What? Oh yeah, right, The Delightful Children. Take them to the holding cells, but Number 4, don’t rough them up too much, alright? They ain’t going nowhere.”

At the mention of holding cells the Delightful Children became indignant “A holding cell? Are you crazy? We’re not going inside some miserable broom closet. Who do you think we are?”

Much to The Delightful Children's surprise, Abby was smiling. “Oh and Number 4? If you need any help with our new guests, I’m sure Miracolina will be glad to assist.”

Miracolina's grin was not so much like the Cheshire Cat’s anymore, but instead resembled the smile The Grinch wore when he got the idea to steal Christmas. The Delightful Children were properly motivated then and they would have flown to the holding cells if they could, but they were blocked by Monty Uno. “Oh, come now Wallabee, is that anyway to treat a guest? Especially Number 1’s cousins, of all people?”

Sector V let out a collective shiver and all seemed to step back about two feet. “Cousins?” Miracolina said, a little shocked and very confused.

“Right as rain, dear girl. Yes, cousins! These five little rogues are Unos, and even though they are very evil little brutes I feel it's only proper, if not a bit unprofessional, to give them a— well, ‘get out of jail free card’. Abigail dear, would you mind if instead of the holding cells that The Delightful Children be allowed to stay with us instead?”

To be honest, Number 5 was a little taken aback. Ever since Number 1 left for space, the legendary Number 0 and Number 999 had their memories back, which up until last night had been pretty cool. They didn't interfere with missions or try to control anything that happened in Sector V’s treehouse. On very rare instances over the last month, Sector V had even gone downstairs to ask for their help. And their advice was always welcome and appreciated. However, over the last week it seemed to her that there were plenty of backseat leaders trying to run her sector. She was about to politely tell them no and she had every right to.

What if Number 3’s sister Mushi had to be brought in? As bubbly and as sweet as Kuki was, would she ask for special treatment for her sister? A couple of rainbow monkeys to keep her company, perhaps, but that was within regulations. What about Cree? Abby felt the color drain out of her face at the memory of her sister. A couple of weeks ago she could have said “No, if we’d caught her, she would be headed for Moonbase for decommissioning” but now she wasn’t quite sure anymore. If her sister was finally apprehended and taken to Moonbase, what would happen?

Number 5 was still about to tell Mr. and Mrs. Uno no when her watch began to buzz. She looked down and shuddered. It was Number 86. She’s gotten a mission report from Sector W, and Harvey’s ratted,oh man! Well, if they weren’t in the treehouse, then they weren’t in the treehouse, right?

“Fine.” Number 5 reluctantly agreed, “but keep them out of Number 1’s room, alright? And if they DO cause any trouble, then they won’t be in a holding cell they’ll be sharing a room with her.” Abby pointed to Miracolina, who gave the Delightful Children a friendly wave.

The Delightful Children clung to Jenny's skirt as she and Monty took them downstairs. “Thank you for understanding!” Monty called.

Abby didn’t hear him. She was too busy calculating how fast they could all clear out before a decommissioning squad arrived.

“Uh, Number 5, what now?” Number 2 asked. Number 5 thought for a second while her watch seemed to buzz angier than a nest full of hornets.

Number 5 had been expecting 86 to call to inform her she was sendin a squad after her and her sector to haul them off to Moonbase for, as 86 liked to say in her thick Irish accent, ‘immediate decommissioning‘. Now, having to go into briefing with the short-tempered redhead, she began to question what idea was worse, the idea that the decommissioning squad could have shown up, or the fact that they didn’t.

“Hold on a second; hello?” Number 5 said, answering her watch. A very irate Fanny Boss answered her.

“It’s about time you picked up! Number 5? What took you so long?”

“Sorry, Number 5 was just debriefing her sector—”

“WELL YOU CAN DEBRIEF ME ON A BIGGER SCREEN!” Number 86 shouted angrily. “Talking on a watch, is that anyway to debrief a superior officer? I’d have expected that from a stupid boy, but from you? Hang up and call me in the briefing room in five minutes, 86 out.”

Abigail Lincoln and the rest of Sector V took in a deep sigh. “We’re cool, the decommissioning squad ain’t coming today!” Number 5 said, trying to make light of a situation in which she was still very unsure of herself. “You guys go play, after these last two days you’ve earned it.”

Chapter 35: The Calm Before The Storm

Chapter Text

“Number 5! Did you aid the Delightful Children in their escape?!” Yelled 86 through the monitor of the treehouse’s communication room.

“No.” Number 5 replied deadpan. She had one impressive poker face, but inside she was praying that Number 86 wouldn’t see right through her act. That girl was head of Decom for a reason and her reputation as a human lie detector was well-earned. And here Number 5 was, pressing her luck for the buhmillionth time that week.

“Number 5, did you receive orders that kids in white robes were to be left alone?”

“Yeah, yeah. I heard, I heard.” Number 5 replied coolly, making the demon with red hair breath fire though the screen. “Father says you did help them escape!”

“Why are you talking to Father? Ain’t he supposed to be our mortal enemy?”

“I’m the one asking the questions here! Did you see the Delightful Children as your Sector escaped the mansion?”

Abby sighed, “For the seventh time Fanny, we got cornered by Father. The Delightful Children just happened to be there. We were able to freeze Father long enough for us to get away, and after that we didn’t see those little creeps anywhere!”

“Can Number 363 corroborate?”

Number 5 was panicking on the inside, but she managed to answer calmly if not a bit too quickly.

”Yeah, he can back this up.”

So now Abby and the entirety of Sector V held their breaths as they waited for 86 to call them back with Harvey’s version of events. If there were ANY discrepancies, then 86 assured her that she and her Sector would have a “free round of forgetfulness, courtesy of the Decommissioning squad.”

A free round of forgetfulness? That’s a new one Fanny, not as good as immediate decommissioning, but I like it,mused Abby. Neither she nor the rest of Sector V held any hope that Harvey would lie for them. It rained and rained for two weeks, despite the eventful couple of days Sector V had and the huge calamity that Father, Roberta and now Fanny and her decommissioning squad would surely rain upon their heads at any time now, things stayed almost too peaceful. The delightful doldrum that had been the summer since Number 1 left had returned.

The villains stayed quiet. Not even Toiletnator threw a potty bomb. The Delightful Children, on the other hand, squealed like five piglets bound for slaughter.

Number 5 ‘borrowed’ them from Mr. and Mrs. Uno in the afternoons, who, much to Number 5 and the rest of the sector's annoyance, were treated as children staying for a holiday at their aunt and uncles’ house instead of the convicted war criminals that everyone knew they were. Number 4 didn’t show them any special treatment though.

“Alright, you Delightful Dorks!” Number 4 threw a chair hard in the general direction of the Delightful Children. “Let's hear it one more time just so me and Miracolina here can make sure we got everything!''

Miracolina smiled sweetly at The Delightful Children from across the interrogation table. Even though she had done nothing but stand there staring at the Delightfuls all throughout Number 4’s interrogations, they were petrified of her. (It must be said that things must look pretty bleak when Wallabee Beatles is playing the good cop.)

“We’ve told you for the hundredth time that Father met that woman around a month ago. After we got back from the beach, she was there waiting. Father gave us robes and told us we were tithes and then Roberta taught us a bunch of things about being a tithe and we didn’t see Father for a while. He… he…”

The Delightful Children had tears in their eyes, but Wally didn’t care. “Quit your blubbering and keep going! If you don’t tell me everything, I’ll give you cruddy turd burglars something to cry about!”

The Delightful Children wiped their identical blue eyes and continued. “Father has not been very happy with us lately, and neither us with him. Last spring it seemed that he couldn’t keep your bratty organization in check and at the Rainbow Monkey Park…” The Delightful Children all let out a collective shudder of shared horror as they remembered their trip down the giant toilet. Wally smiled contently as he, too, remembered the adventure.

“Anyway, after that we treated Father with a whole lot less respect...until then that woman came.”

“Finally, we’re getting somewhere,” Wally muttered to Miracolina.

“Would you let us finish?” The Delightful Children asked impatiently, crossing their arms. Wally waved his hand, motioning for them to get on with it.

When they got to the part about the week-long tithe retreat at the hotel, Wally made it extra, extra clear that if they left anything out about Rachel, then they wouldn’t have to worry about eating solid food again.

“We saw 362 at the pool. We think she was getting pretty tired of being there, the same as us, and after that—” They looked at Miracolina with their same familiar smile, “—is where we meet our dearfriend Miracolina.”

Miracolina wasn’t smiling, but didn’t look afraid in the slightest of the Delightful Children. She gave them a stony look which was returned with five evil grins from The Delightful Children. They looked as if they didn’t know whether to let out an evil cackle or take a step back, but before they could decide Wally pushed them out of their chair. ”Alright, that’s it. We’re done here.“ He said the last bit to a two-way mirror which Abby and Hoagie sat behind.

As soon as the prisoners were escorted out of the interrogation room by Mrs. Uno, Number 5 stepped in to talk to Number 4. “I think we may have made a bad trade Number 4.” she said, smiling. Wally looked down at the floor in shame. “I don’t know what choice we had.” grumbled Wally, who had completely missed the joke.

“Chill out Number 4, Number 5’s just playin’ !” The short boy kicked a wall softly. Although it was Number 3’s idea to rescue the Delightful Children, Wally felt as though the wrong choice had been made and he was blaming himself for all of it.

”Any word reaching Sector W?” Miracolina asked, coming up behind Wally from her perch against the wall. “None.” Abby said tiredly. Before this, Harvey tattling on them would scarcely have been a worry, but now, with the wrath of 86 over their heads it seemed a lot more threatening if the little brat blabbed.

“If he’s interested in saving his sister, he won’t.” Abby said grimly.

With that, the three kids and one teenager left the interrogation wing.

Everyone had somewhere to go. Number 2 said he had to go pick up his little brother Tommy from an after school club and
Abby went up to try and ring Sector W again. Kuki would be back later that afternoon. As for Miracolina and Wally, they sat in Sector V’s TV room flipping through the enormous TV’s channels for something to watch.

“Are you sure you don’t want to watch The Rainbow Monkey Care and Share hour? “ Wally asked, smirking. Miracolina stuck out her tongue, “Do you?” “Nah, just thinking of you, teenager.”

They eventually settled on a horror movie, which was only made better by the stormy weather outside.

“So,“ Miracolina said once the movie had cut to commercials, “Number 1 and the Delightful Children are cousins?”

Number 4’s soda that he had been sipping on came out through his nose and he just about choked on his popcorn. “Uh, yeah,“ Wally said as Miracolina gave him a few hard taps on the back, “but not really.”

“Not really?“

“Well, it’s uh… complicated ‘cause the Delightful Children aren’t really the Delightful Children.”

Miracolina looked down at the little blonde boy as if he had bugs crawling out of his ears.

”You see, once upon a time the Delightful Children were Kids Next Door operatives, Sector Z, who were captured by Father—“

Just then the movie came back on. It was a movie about an evil scientist who turned people into robots. Through a mouth full of popcorn, Wally pointed and grunted.

“What is it, Wally?” Miracolina asked.

“Deli-ummmnnn!”

“Deli sandwich? You want a Deli sandwich Wally?“

“Num, uh! Delightful chim!” His mouth was ridiculously full of popcorn.

“Oh, you mean the boy down the street with the chimpanzee? Yes, he really is delightful!”

Wally swallowed his mouthful in one gulp and slurped down what was left of his soda. “No! I said the Delightful Children! When the Delightful Children were Sector Z, they got captured by Father who did what they did in this movie, sort of. What, do you have crud in your ears?”

“Didn’t your mother tell you not to talk with your mouth full?” Miracolina said, smiling. Wally continued to munch his popcorn, but now with more vigor.

When the movie was over, Miracolina stood up and stretched. “So if the Delightful Children are missing Kids Next Door operatives, do the kids who held me captive even exist?”
Wally thought long and hard about it. Thinking was something Wally didn’t care for very much, but the teenager did pose an interesting question. “I guess not…? I mean Sector Z came back once.”

“How?”

“It’s complicated. You see there's this thing called a recommissioning module, you know what decommissioning is right? “

Miracolina nodded. It was all Sector V could talk about after 86’s briefing with Number 5.

“Well, if decommissioning erases memories, what do you think recommissioning does?”

“Restores memories,” Miracolina guessed, realizing right away where he was going with this. “But you’re saying that the Delightful Children and Sector Z are two completely different sets of people? Are you saying that the only thing separating the Delightful Children from their old selves is a bad case of amnesia?”

Wally shook his head. “No, I don’t think so. The Delightful Children and Sector Z are completely different from each other, I think. I don’t know how that works if they’re part of someone else like that.“

His musings reminded Miracolina of something. “Remember when I first told you about what happens in my world? When you unwind someone, they don’t actually die.”

Wally almost laughed at this, but he managed to keep a straight face as Miracolina went on.

“Everything still works. Your legs still work, your arms still work, your eyes still work. They're just not a part of you anymore, if that makes sense.''

Wally nodded. To be honest, even if it creeped him out, all this taking body parts and making them still work kinda sounded cool; it would make a good idea for an action figure, he thought to himself as Miracolina went on.

“Even your brain works—well, the bits of the brain they cut out. My boyfriend had a friend with a bit of an unwind’s brain, though he was still whole.“

“So you think that Sector Z is trapped in the cruddy Delightful Children?”

Miracolina nodded. “But back to my original question, are the Delightful Children real?“

Wally went back to thinking, but before he could anwer, Number 3 burst through the door wearing her medic outfit. She smiled when she saw Wally, but her mood darkened as soon as she saw Miracolina.

Wally gulped.

Although Kuki still looked like Kuki, he saw in her eyes faintest embers of an Oni.

“Kuki! …Uh… You were supposed to be home thirty minutes ago.“

“I ended up having to take care of The Delightful Children after I got home from a long day of having to visit my Grandma and then I come back to find you sitting here in the dark with HER!”

“Kuki! It’s not what it looks like! We were just watching a movie.”

The normally very sweet and easygoing Kuki had picked up Wally by the scruff of his jacket when Miracolina spoke. “Wait, the Delightful Children are sick?”

Much to Wally’s relief, Kuki forgot her rage and said, “Yeah. Mr. Uno called me on the way home. He said they needed to run a couple of tests and there was this Doctor named Phineas Sharp and —”

“Phineas Sharp?!” Number 4 yelled in alarm. Still holding him by the back of his hoodie like a misbehaving kitten, Kuki nodded.

“Mr. Uno said Dr. Sharp is really nice and—”

Wally wrestled himself out of Kuki’s grip and then shook her by the shoulders. “Kuki! Phineas Sharpe is just a name Chester uses!”

“Who’s Chester?” Miracolina asked, already sure that she really didn’t want to know.

“No one good.” Wally said darkly, “ he’s a cruddy mad scientist who tries to come up with ways to make money off of kids. Kuki, what test did he want done to the Delightful Children?”

“Just some blood and booger samples,” Kuki said. ”When you all got back from the mansion, Mrs. Uno told me she and Mr. Uno had a big jar of The Delightful Children’s toenails too.”

Wallabee Beetles was (by his own admission) not the sharpest tool in the shed. But even he could read through the lines. He turned around and pointed angrily at Miracolina.

”So when were you going to tell me about the toenails?”

“How would I possibly know?” Miracolina asked indignantly, “Besides, when were you going to tell Harvey about his sister? It seems to me ever since I got to this world, it has been nothing but people keeping secrets from each other.”

Wally huffed and crossed his arms. “So you want me to go downstairs and confront two of the greatest operatives in Kids Next Door history, all because you think they’d try to hurt the Delightful Children in order to set free kids who are literally trapped inside those evil little creeps?”

The three of them stared each other down for a solid five minutes before Wally spoke. “Fine, but you’re coming with me. Kuki, stay here and tell the others when they get back.“

“But Number 4, I want to help!”

Wally shook his head. “Number 3, if I end up having to fight Number 1’s dad, I don’t want you involved.”

Arming themselves with a couple of splankers, Wally and Miracolina made the short trip down stairs to confront—and, if need be, fight— the greatest Kids Next Door operative in the history of Kids Next Door operatives.

Chapter 36: Dr. Sharp, I Presume?

Chapter Text

“Has he left?“ Monty asked as he looked at a slide under a microscope. Jenny, who was reading through some reports by the window, looked out to see Nurse Jumbo (Dr. Phineas Sharp’s elephant) still laying in the grass outside. Her eyes were closed and she was apparently enjoying the late summer afternoon sunshine.

“I don’t think so, dear.” she said, chuckling to herself quietly. “What will we ever tell the neighbors? A great big elephant lounging around on the front lawn like it was a savannah!”

Monty mumbled something as he continued to look though the slide of his microscope. Jenny set down the reports and looked over at her husband.

“Are you sure you should still be at it, dear? Doctor Sharp was quite clear, nothing more can be done until he gets the results back.”

Monty sighed and looked up at his wife. There were great big circles under his eyes from lack of sleep. Despite his memories of his time in the Kids Next Door usually giving him a spring in his step, it seemed that today those memories only made him appear ten years older than he actually was.

“There’s no use in not doing anything, Jenny. Besides, the work keeps me busy. It keeps my mind here. Instead of—”

He didn’t finish, but he didn’t have to.

“I know, Monty, I know.” Jenny wrapped her arms around Monty, who hugged her back tight.

“Why did we let him go off Jenny ? We’re grown-ups, why didn’t we keep him from going?”

“I think you know just as well as I do that Number 1 is even more stubborn than his father, Number Zero.”

The husband and wife smiled at each other and were about to kiss when the door opened and Miracolina stepped through. “Mr. and Mrs. Uno, can I have a minute?”

Monty and Jenny were bright red at being interrupted. Miracolina quietly closed the door behind her. “Sorry to disturb you, but it’s very important. Did I interrupt something?”

“Not at all dear girl, not all at all. Come on in!” Monty spread his arms wide graciously as the young girl took a seat across from him and Jenny. Not quite looking at either of them, Miracolina placed the splanker on the desk in front of her.

“Getting a bit of practice with the splanker, dear?” Jenny asked.

Miracolina shifted in her seat uneasily. “Not exactly. Look… I know about The Delightful Children and Sector Z, and— I don’t think it’s right sacrificing one set of kids for the sake of another. Back in my world there was a story… an urban legend about this kid whose parents unwound him. They say that they regretted it so much that they tracked down everybody who received a transplant from him and took it back and tried to rebuild him.”

Number 4 made his way down the halfway as stealthily as possible. He had given Miracolina orders to stand in front of the door to Mr. Uno’s study and not to move.

I don’t need any cruddy untrained teenager screwing up my plan!

After giving him an evil eye, Miracolina asked what his “precious plan” was and when he told her, she nodded grimly and stayed behind.

“Don’t go in there,” he had told her. “I don’t care how old Number 1’s parents are, they could kick your butt in ten seconds flat.”

Wally was going after Chester. He wanted details on what exactly Number 1’s parents were planning on doing with the Delightful Children. Sure, if Wally and Miracolina were able to subdue the most skilled operatives in Kids Next Door history they might be able to get the big picture, but if somebody could nab Chester then they’d all know the technical aspects of what these three adults were doing— or perhaps had already done. If the Delightful Children’s lives were in danger, then the annoying truth of the matter was that it was his sworn duty as a Kids Next Door operative to help them and to try to fix any harm that they had been done.

As Wally made his way through the den, he saw the Delightful Children, who, in keeping with their rigid schedule, were taking a nap on the sofa sleeper that had been pulled out for them. For a moment Number 4 considered waking them up and telling them to get their evil little butts up to the treehouse, but then he decided against it. What good would it do to have The Delightful Children running around in the treehouse when so much chaos was already going down on the lower levels of the Uno residence? Leaving the blissfully oblivious Delightful Children to their nap, Wally went on down the hall where he heard the sound of a bathroom being used.

It was, of course, against Kids Next Door regulations to ambush someone after they had just gotten done using the bathroom… but the regulations said absolutely nothing about tailing someone FROM the bathroom. Positioning himself behind a sofa, Wally watched and waited for Chester to get done with his business.

At last. Agrin spread across Wally’s face. He heard flushing, then the sound of running water and then he came out.

Chester was dressed just as Number 1 had described him when he told the rest of the sector about the moosebumps episode. He wore a safari hunter’s outfit and his usually thin upward-facing mustache was now thick, bushy and done in a more refined style, set at a downward angle.

It won’t look so thick when I rip it off your stupid face! Wally steadied his nerves. Chester was one of the most infamous villains in the Kids Next Door’s rogues gallery. Wally told himself to calm down and stay focused, remember what he’s capable of, he was able to run that summer camp for months, he even got a couple of our operatives that we sent in, and he was able to get Number 1 twice, and then there was that time with the shark fast food joint and… Kuki.

Suddenly the will to steady himself was gone, and it was replaced with pure rage. The target had made it to the door and was just about to open it when suddenly he was grabbed roughly from behind.

“I’m going to wring your cruddy neck!” Wally yelled angrily. He was expecting to grab hold of flabby sagging flesh, but was surprised when it was not fat he grabbed but hard muscle.

“What are you doing, young man?” A rather hearty British voice asked indignantly. He threw Wally off of him, making him hit the wall — hard. When Number 4 came to, there wasn’t just one Chester there anymore. There were three, and all three of them were holding out a sporting hand to help him up to his feet. Wallabee Beatles loved a good fight, and despite his feral demeanor he was almost always willing to play fair and indeed respected sportsmanship a great deal.

However, this man had tried to grill his girlfriend and serve her with fries and a drink to hungry sharks.

So instead of accepting his hand, he galloped full speed and head-butted. It hurt a lot more than Number 4 had expected because under the man’s safari suit was more muscle. Still though, the headbutt did the trick and the man sprawled out on his back gasping for air.

Wally stood over his opponent, splanker in hand. “Get up.” He ordered angrily, and the man in the safari suit got up slowly to his feet.

“What is all this about?” the man said gasping.

“Thought you could come out here and perform all sorts of evil experiments on kids, didn’t you Chester?” Wally said, giving the man’s mustache a few painful tugs.

“Hey!” Wally said frustratedly. “Number 1 said that cruddy mustache comes right off. Why isn’t it coming off?”

Unfortunately, Number 4 was so focused on trying to tear the mustache off that he didn’t even notice that he was off balance. Wally felt the facial hair tear away and thought he had found success, but in all reality, the man had just pulled his head back, sending Number 4 sprawling to the floor.

“Dear, old dear. Doesn’t Kids Next Door martial arts training cover the basics of judo anymore?”

Wally was about to go for the man’s ankles and bite when he saw the edge of the splanker staring him in the face.

“Nor do they teach proper weapons safety, it seems.”

The Kids Next Door splanker was a melee weapon, with a pistol-like base and a piece of wood held in place by a magnet. It was simple to build, but the plank that was used to do the whacking could be wound up to certain tensions. The lowest settings were used for crowd control while the higher settings were used for when you really needed to hit somebody. Wally’s splanker was set on the latter, and he knew that one hit would leave him out cold and at the mercy of one of the Kids Next Door’s most vile enemies. Time for the headband, Wally thought miserably, as he slowly put up his hands, bracing himself for a hard hit.

And then...

Chester laughed, “I don’t think it was very nice of you to attack me when I tried to help you up. Do you think it was very nice?”

In response to that, Number 4 spat and closed his eyes. In a flash he heard the distinct sound of the splanker being fired, but he didn’t feel the sting. He looked up at the man, who was now lowering the weapon.

“I’m afraid we may have gotten off on the wrong foot. I am not, in fact, Chester.”

“Then who the crud are you?”

“Would you believe me if I told you ?”

“Probably not.” Number 4 admitted, spitting again.

“Then,” the man who claimed not to be Chester said with a smile, “I surrender myself to you and request that I may be taken to Number Zero and Number 999, who can confirm my identity.”

The man who claimed not be Chester graciously handed the splanker back to Wally and stuck both hands up in the air. He began to walk towards the direction of Mr. Uno’s study. “Are you coming?”

Wally gulped. He did not want to go into Mr. Uno’s study like this. Having to face the legendary Number Zero and Number 999 was bad enough, but with a prisoner who could beat him? That was even worse!

Still, what choice did he have?

Resetting the splanker, Wally followed his very polite prisoner towards the study door, which to Wally’s anger, and then to his horror, was open.

Miracolina hadn’t known what reaction to expect, but it definitely hadn’t been malicious-sounding laughter. Jenny Uno’s evil laughter was something out of a nightmare, like the Wicked Witch of the West mixed with a feral hyena. Monty’s was even worse. His laugh was a deep baritone and Miracolina would have sworn that Monty’s laugh was passed down from the devil himself.

She sat frozen, pinned to her chair. I don’t need these pieces of wood and this stupid magnet, I need an exorcist!

Just when Miracolina was about to look for a phone and call this world's Vatican, the horrible laughter became jovial and good-natured.

“You’re horrible, Monty!” Jenny choked out between giggles, wiping her eyes on her sleeve.

“Well, Jenny dear, I didn’t see you giving any objections when I proposed this little jest.”

“Monty, you sound just like your father when you laugh like that!”

Miracolina rolled her eyes and tried to act like she hadn’t just been in a state of pure terror. “Very mature.” she said, pursing her lips and putting on her superior tithe voice.

Monty chuckled. “My dear girl, we’re the Kids Next Door. We don’t know the meaning of the word!”

Miracolina growled in frustration. “Are you or are you not going to hurt the Delightful Children?”

Monty was about to start his evil laugh again, but Jenny stomped on his foot. “Shush! No dear, we aren’t going to hurt the Delightful Children.”

As luck would have it, Number 4 chose that exact moment to kick open the study door. The tiny boy ran straight for the desk and did a flying leap kick that was aimed right at Monty’s head. If it was anybody else, that kick would have connected hard, shattering teeth, bone and cartilage and leaving a river of blood all over the carpet, but instead Number 4 found himself dangling upside down from Number Zero’s fist.

He swung his fists wildly in the air. “Let me down, you cruddy traitor!“

“Traitor? I’m not the one who rescued the Delightful Children!” Monty was about to start the evil laughter routine again, but Jenny stomped on his foot again , this time with just a little bit more force than before. “Owww!” Monty said, accidentally dropping Wally. “Really dear, you didn’t have to do that so hard.“

“Well, the joke’s getting old—“

“—Just like you!” Wally cut in insolently rubbing his neck and shoulders from the fall .

“Calm down, Wallabee, we’re not going to hurt them.” Jenny said gently but firmly. Wally looked up at Miracolina.

“Are they?”

Hoping she wasn’t making a huge mistake, Miracolina shook her head. “I don’t know. They were just about to explain.”

Monty gently dusted off Wally and helped him to his feet. After that, Wally stood by Miracolina, fuming about the disobeyed orders. Cruddy teenagers. They never do anything they say they will.

Monty gave them both a nod. “Any questions you two may have, ask away. We’re open books.”

“That would be the first time around here.” muttered Miracolina, rolling her eyes.

“Okay.” Wally said almost too calmly. “Tell me why the crud is Chester lurking around our tree house?! ”

“I told you before, young man. I’m not Chester.” The man who claimed not to be Chester was standing in the doorway now. “Doctor Phineas Sharp, MD. Formerly Number 1, 2 of the Kids Next Door.“
He punctuated the “1, 2” by punching the air as he said it.

“Yeah right!” Number 4 said, kicking at the carpet. “Number 1, 2 was decommissioned like a gazillion years ago! That guy was Number Zero’s head of security, he’d have to be…”

Number 4 looked at Monty, who gave a small smile and nodded.

“Wait, so you’re telling me that CHESTER is Number 1,2?” Wally yelled in disgust. Number 1,2 was the most spectacular fighter in Kids Next Door history. The kid invented the splanker and established the modern Kids Next Door drill manual. His adventures and fights were legendary. To find out that this once great operative had become Chester,of all peoplealmost made him throw up.

“As I said before, young man, I am not Chester! He’s my brother.“

Before Dr. Sharp could continue a very loud knock came from the front door.

“Now what?” Wally huffed, not wanting to wait any longer for his answers. Miracolina got up out of her chair to go answer it, but Jenny shook her head and Monty raised a finger to his lips.

“Shhh!” He said as he woke up his laptop. When he accessed the camera that was hidden in the doorbell, he felt all the color drain out of his face. It was Roberta.

“Jenny, dear, I’m afraid we have company. I do believe it’s my brother’s girlfriend coming to pay us a visit.”

Number 4 and Miracolina were ready to give the wretched woman a taste of the splanker, but Monty stood in the doorway blocking them. “No no, you best let me handle this. You kids get the Delightful Children upstairs. We can’t let her see that they’re here. Jenny, Sharp, cover me.”

Taking a deep breath, the most legendary Kids Next Door operative made his way to the front door. He hoped he still had the skills he learned from his missions all those years ago, because he was going to need every bit of them.

Chapter 37: Parents

Chapter Text

Aside from the enormous treehouse and the elephant sitting in the front lawn, this place is disappointedly unremarkable.” Roberta commented into her walkie-talkie. Deafening silence answered back.

She rang the doorbell again. This was the third time she had tried the bell and the usually even-tempered Roberta was becoming uncharacteristically impatient.

“Your family are not ones for manners, are they?” Roberta asked into the walkie-talkie. There was still no response.

After what seemed like an eternity, the doorknob finally started to turn. A short tubby balding man wearing a red plaid shirt under green suspenders opened the door.

“Mister Uno?” Roberta said politely.

“Yes?” Monty said with equal politeness, smiling pleasantly.

His uninvited visitor gently wiped her eyes with a handkerchief. “My name is Ms. Griswold. I’m terribly sorry, but do you think you could help me?“

Roberta audibly cleared her throat. As she went on, Monty hid his expression underneath his furled eyebrows.

“I’m desperately sorry, but I’m looking for my children. We had a terrible falling out and oh—“ Roberta had tears in her eyes as she went on. “They’ve run away. I’m so worried about what could happen to them. There are five of them, their names are David, Lenny, Constance, Ashley and Bruce. Have you seen them?“

Monty said nothing for a moment, looking down at Roberta's ruby red shoes as if in deep contemplation.

“What you say, Ms. Griswold, worries me. The five names that you mentioned are the names of my brother’s children, my little nieces and nephews. Tell me, is the name Benedict familiar to you?“

“Yes,“ Roberta said hastily, “he’s my fiancé. I just don’t know what went wrong… We were such a happy little family!” Roberta broke down then, tears streaming down her face. Pretending to be awkward, Monty put one hand behind his left ear and rubbed it. This was the signal for Jenny to emerge with a tray of tea.

She came into the room with a serving tray containing a blue and white porcelain tea set and gave a soft gasp. “Monty, who is this?“

“It’s Benedict's fiancé, dear. Benedict’s children seem to have gone AWOL.“ (As volatile as the situation was, Monty couldn’t resist using the other world’s slang just for kicks.)

Jenny dropped the tea tray on the floor, pretty little blue china shattering everywhere. In a heart-rending impression of shock, Jenny ran over to Roberta and wrapped her in a hug.

(That was another reason Monty signaled for Jenny to move in. For a mission or not, Monty knew he had better not be hugging any other woman besides his wife. He learned that the hard way when he was eleven and he still had the small scars on his knee to show for it).

Jenny hugged Roberta, secretly wishing she could slap her instead. “Oh, you poor dear. Is there anything we can do to help? Good Lord, I can’t even imagine!”

Roberta smiled. It wasn’t
altogether an unpleasant one like she had shown to Rachel or the Delightful Children, but it was far from being friendly. “Oh Mrs. Uno, you’ve dropped your tea set. Do you need help getting that cleaned up?“

Jenny and Monty exchanged a wary look. They were good at diversions, but after decades of retirement they were both a tad rusty. Either way, it was clear that this woman was looking for an excuse to search their house.

“Oh, that’s alright,” Jenny assured, mentally wondering if they’d blown the act by missing a beat.“The house is a dreadful mess right now, even without the tea and 50 dollar tea set all over the carpet.”

Roberta took a small step forward. For anyone without special training, the movement would have seemed perfectly benign, but now the position of her shoe would make it much harder to close the door.“Well, if you insist. However, Mrs. Uno, I do believe you would understand my predicament quite well, seeing how your Nigel has been missing for— let’s see, four months now?”

“Nonsense, “ Mr. Uno replied a little too hastily and a little too harshly, “the boy has gotten a scholarship to a boarding school very far away.”

“ What continent?“ Roberta said, her voice dripping with syrup. “Did he send you an elephant?”

“What elephant?” Monty couldn’t help himself. The best part of his joke? He was literally staring directly at the elephant on the front lawn.

Roberta’s fake smile completely dropped. She had finally had enough of this waste of time.
“That one, Number Zero! The only elephant in the middle of the lawn!”

Monty shrugged. “I don’t see an elephant.” A horrible moment later, he realized his mistake.

“So you do remember!” Roberta's red lips were now curled into a genuine smile, her eyes sparkling bright in triumph. Jenny pushed her husband behind her and drew a S.P.I.C.E.R. “Alright, young lady, you got us. Now, what do you want? “

Roberta giggled into the walkie-talkie, “You see, I told you! Number 362 did let them keep their memories!”

Monty stood behind his wife wielding the hot soup gun that he used when he first led the attack on his own father’s factories. “Tell old Benny boy that he can’t harvest his children’s organs, and that if he would like to try, me and my wife Number 999 would welcome him to our home the same way he did: coffee, fancy dinner and all!”

He tried to grab the walkie-talkie, but Roberta held it slightly out of reach, almost teasing him. “Manners, Mr. Uno , manners! I will inform your brother about what you said. However, even if you did wrestle this quaint little device out of my hand, you wouldn’t be speaking with your brother at all.“

Roberta, who had backed off a few steps, smiled at the Unos and parental instinct made them instantly aware who was on the line.

“Let me talk to him.” There was no anger in Monty’s voice anymore, just exhaustion. “Please.”

Jenny just stared at the walkie-talkie in Roberta’s hand, not saying a word. She had the look of a cat who was listening for the sound of movement.

“Let me ask,“ Roberta said with a surprising amount of understanding in her voice. She held up the device close to her own face and pressed the button. “Number 1, your parents would like to speak with you. Now I know it goes against regulations, but as a mother, I know the pain a parent feels when they are separated from their child. It’s your choice, Nigel. Would you like to speak to your parents?”

Roberta held the walkie talkie to her ears, and kept up her poker face as she did. Monty had recovered himself enough to return to his wife’s side. They both waited for the answer that they knew they were going to hear.

“I’m quite sorry, but Nigel says no.”

Monty and Jenny Uno knew what their son would say, (you would have to be a great fool not to know), but that didn’t mean his answer hurt any less.

The rain which had graced all of Northern Virginia ever since The Delightful Children’s party had completely stopped, leaving the Uno’s neighood a humid, muggy, messy swamp. The summer heat and sunshine had returned with a vengeance. Roberta’s perfect teeth already shone brightly and the returning sunshine seemed to make her smile blinding. With a relish, Roberta threw the walkie-talkie into the street where it smashed into a million pieces.

“As I told Nigel, I know a parent's pain at having a child who hates them—”

“The Delightful Children aren't your children.” Interrupted Monty.

“Oh, I’m sorry,“ Roberta replied calmly, “ I wasn’t talking about them.“

“Well, if they hate you,” Jenny remarked dryly, “then they have a fine reason to.”

Roberta looked as if she had just taken a bite out of a particularly sour lemon. “That’s enough about our children. Let’s talk about the Delightful Children.”

“I thought the Delightful Children were your children.” Jenny quipped, unable to stop herself.

Roberta pursed her lips. “So they are, so they are. However—“

“I gave you my answer a few moments ago.“ Number Zero said firmly. “Neither you nor Benedict are unwinding a hair on their heads. If he would like to try, he is welcome to.”

Roberta scowled, “You know, for someone with a well-respected and sophisticated brother like Benedict Uno, you two certainly act very uncouth and immature.”

Monty and Jenny Uno had not smiled since laying eyes on Roberta Griswold, but now their smiles put Roberta’s toothpaste-commercial grin to shame.

“My dear, we’re the Kids Next Door.“ Jenny said, feeling 11 years old again. “We don’t know the meaning of mature.”

“Anything else, Miss Griswold?” Monty asked in an extremely polite voice.

Roberta’s tone was cold yet formal, like the waiting room of an expensive office building. “My fiancé will be here in two days to pick up our children, one way or another. Remember something, Number Zero, and this is from Father. You and Jenny may be able to stand up to him, but how will your son’s friends fare against him? Or a better question still, how will your son fare in my clutches?”

This made the Uno’s angry, very, very angry, but the despicable woman who had just calmly threatened their son simply turned and walked back down the sidewalk, her blood red high heels clicking against the pavement as she went.

Doctor Phineas Sharp’s introduction to the remaining members of Sector V was not a very pleasant one. Once Roberta showed up, he thought it would be a good idea to slip upstairs and wait for the other members of Sector V to avoid another situation with Number 4. So he, Miracolina and Number 4 made the ascent from the Uno residence to the bridge of Sector V’s treehouse. As soon as Wally opened the door, all three of them were unceremoniously greeted by Numbers 2, 3 and 5 brandishing weapons.

“Good afternoon, everyone!” Dr. Sharp greeted them all cheerfully.

“Get down on your chest, Chester.” Number 2 said, and Abby groaned.

Just as Doctor Sharp was about to comply, Wally jumped in front of him. “Hold on guys, he’s not Chester. He’s his twin brother.”

The other three operatives were unfazed. “His twin brother? Really?” Number 5 said scornfully.

“We’re the Kids Next Door. We’ve invented that trick! “ Number 3 said, aiming her T.H.U.M.P.E.R (a super powered mini gun that shot little teddy bears).

Just as Dr. Sharp was about to get a teddy bear in the face, he pointed to Abby. “Wait a moment, young lady, you’re Doctor Lincoln’s daughter, are you not?”

Abby had to act fast. Kuki (having helped Doctor Sharp that afternoon) was feeling very tricked and the feeling that her medical expertise had been misused gave the usually forgiving operative a very itchy trigger finger. Abby had to push the muzzle of the T.H.U.M.P.E.R to the ground so Doctor Sharp wouldn’t be hit. The little teddy bear ricocheted off the ground, went high into the air and hit Miracolina in the head.

It didn’t hurt like it would have if the weapon had been aimed directly at her face, but it did feel like getting hit by a particularly hard beanbag. Kuki smiled brightly and chirped a “sorry“ at Miracolina. (She was sorry, but not too much.)

“Why do you shoot poor teddy bears like that?” Miracolina said, rubbing her cheek, “that’s not very nice.“

Kuki was surprised that Miracolina, a girl who she had mistaken for heartless, would be so concerned. She lowered her weapon and began to explain how she always apologized and gave the poor bears lots of tea, hugs and cookies, but Abby held up a hand for silence.

The leader of Sector V stood her ground and looked right at Chester’s lookalike. “What did you say?”

“I asked if you were the youngest daughter of my dear colleague and friend, Doctor Philip Lincoln?”

Without lowering her splanker, Abby asked, “You know my dad?“

“Of course I know him! Why don’t you call him up and ask if he knows Dr. Phineas Sharp? And while you’re at it, why don’t you ask about his ne'er-do-well twin brother Chester?”

Abby gave him a skeptical look, but she pulled out a long kids next door phone and called her dad. The phone rang once, then rang twice, and finally a laid-back jolly baritone voice answered. “Hello?”

“Hey, Dad, it’s Abby.”

“Well, if it isn’t my darling daughter, with the red hat and the dimples and the —“

Much to Abby’s regret, she had left the speakerphone on.

Hoagie was smiling while the others respectfully averted their eyes. Abby was tempted to slap Hoagie hard, but that would have to come later. “Alright Dad, yes it's me. Quick question? Do you happen to know a Doctor Phineas Sharp?”

“Oh, Dr. Sharp! The guy with the monocle, and the vaccine gun, and the big red mustache and evil twin brother.” “Thanks Dad!” Abby said, eager to hang up. Much to her frustration, when Doctor Sharp (relieved of the burden of having weapons pointed at him) called out, “Hey Chuckos, old man, how’s it going?“

“Phineas! How’s Nurse Jumbo and Nurse Chelise?”

At this point Abby was just standing there holding the phone at arm’s length. She wondered if she was ever going to be able to hang up. Why did grown-ups always seem to spend three hours on the phone?

Dr. Sharp didn’t seem to have noticed Abby’s annoyed expression. He continued happily with his chat. “Fine, fine. How is your family?”

“Well by the sounds of it you’ve met Abby, my boy’s about to have his seventh kid and Cree’s about to be a senior. My wife, well, you know, with the carrot and the stick and the keeping me in line and the love. I can’t complain.”

“I’ll see you next Tuesday.” Dr. Sharp motioned for Abby to hang up, but her Dad kept talking.

“Say, before you go, could you put my baby girl back on the phone?”

Abby tried to hide her face under her cap. She loved her daddy a whole lot, but this was a separate world. She almost responded, but his next words hit her like a brick.

”Her sister’s good friend Steven hasn’t been to school in weeks and I wanted to see if she’d heard anything. His parents are worried sick.”

Abby felt the blood drain out of her face as her father’s words sank in.Before Doctor Sharp could say a word, Abby hung up.

“He seems nice,” Miracolina said, breaking the silence.

“Thanks,” Abby muttered, relieved that no one was asking about her strange reaction.

“Dr. Lincoln is probably the finest physician I’ve ever met,” Sharpe said glowingly, “and as good a doctor he is, he’s an even better father!“

The guilty haze Abby felt was replaced with pride. “Yeah,” Abby said softly, “he’s pretty cool.”

Then she shook her head lightly, giving Doctor Sharp a gentle tug on his sleeve. “Your story checks out, but Number 5 thinks you still have some explaining to do.“

So Doctor Sharp told them everything— well, everything that he could have told Sector V about the previous Fall. Number 1 had filed a mission report titled Operation S.A.F.A.R.I. it turned out that Nigel was less than truthful with his account of that doctor’s appointment. Abby was a little frustrated, but then she reminded herself of the fact that she was less than honest on a couple of mission reports herself. Indeed, with a organization full of kids, who hadn’t fudged a report slightly to make themselves look better or to cover something up? Or to protect a highly dangerous fugitive teenage sister from being captured and hauled off to the Moonbase for decommissioning...

“Wow!” Number 3 exclaimed, bouncing up and down in her seat.

“I can’t believe you’re actually Number 1,2 !” Wally said in awe.

“They really let some of us stay in the Kids Next Door after we turn 13? “ Number 2 asked.

Dr. Sharp nodded. “I wouldn’t go telling any other operatives. It would blow their cover, and that could get ugly for them, especially the way things are going lately. The Teen Ninjas keep getting more desperate every day.”

“I wonder who else is an undercover teen operative?” Wally asked. As Kuki, Wally and Hoagie speculated, Abby remained very quiet. When Maruice’s name was brought up, she seemed to try to melt into the tire she was sitting in.

Miracolina noticed Abby’s nervous discomfort as her teammates discussed the covert operatives of the Teens Next Door. She thought about calling her out for yet another lie, but before Dr. Sharp had even said anything about keeping their knowledge of the TND secret, she had figured it out. She’d watched enough old spy movies with her parents to know what would happen to a double agent, so she stopped herself. Instead she asked a different question that had been on her mind.

“Why on Earth would you chase a kid around a jungle and shoot him in the butt with a vaccine? It still doesn’t make sense.” Miracolina couldn’t help smiling at the the absurdity of the picture in her mind. Nigel Uno, the boy in the alien-looking visor who was willing and able to unleash an alien invasion, running away from this short, broad chested man on an elephant who was going to give him a shot by shooting him.

I hope he got you good, Miracolina thought, smiling to herself a little more.

“What’s not to understand about it?” Doctor Sharp said, wiping his monocle. “A lot of my patients dread getting shots, just like I did when I was a young boy. And Nigel Uno especially.” Doctor Sharp smiled, remembering his former patient. “So I figured, why not give them the illusion of a chance to get out of it? No one holding them down, no having to close their eyes, just wide open spaces, fresh air, sunshine and a good old fashioned game of hide and seek. And afterwards, I let them pick out a toy.”

“How is that sterile?” Number 5 asked.

Number 5’s question was something that Miracolina was about to voice herself. Without missing a beat, Dr. Sharp said, “The syringes I use are scrubbed thoroughly in surgical scrub before each hunt. And, as I have previously stated, the jungle is synthetic. It’s really all quite safe.”

Hoagie raised his hand. “Uh, Dr. Sharp, so if what you're telling us is true, does that mean the moosebumps are real?“

Dr. Sharp nodded. “My draght brother invented it. That nasty little man!” He said the last part with a surprising amount of anger. He had to take a deep breath before going on. “I’m quite sure you’ve all had a dose of it. It’s usually rolled into the chicken pox vaccine along with the regular mumps. Nigel— I’m sorry, I mean Number 1 had to have a separate moosebumps shot because Chester made the moosebumps virus target him, thus the need for me to make a completely separate vaccine for him. He suffered a mild reaction to the one I gave him and was a moose for twenty minutes.”

Dr. Sharp spoke to the kids with the utmost kindness and professionalism. It reminded Miracolina of the way her doctors used to try to talk to her about being tithed. Those doctors appeared to support tithing, but Miracolina could always feel like either she and her mother were being talked down to, or she felt a hint of uncertainty in the doctor's opinion about ‘the divided state‘. She felt neither about Doctor Sharp. He was honest and true.

Abby thought about how her new mission would affect her dad. He was a surgeon, would he be willing to work at a harvest camp? She shivered, hoping she would never need to ask.

Now Miracolina was curious about something else, but once again Abby beat her to it.

“Dr. Sharp?” she asked, fidgeting with her signature red baseball cap, “What do you think about unwinding and tithing?“

Doctor Sharp visibly shuddered. “I’m worried.“

He spoke thoughtfully and softly now. “I was in the process of writing a memorandum on it when Number Zero asked me to help with the project he and Number 999 were working on.” Abby thought about Rachel in her white robes as Dr. Sharp went on.

“I feel even worse about it now that I know Father has his hands all over it. I’m afraid if we don’t stop it, no one will.“

Number 3 raised her hand. “What about the project you’re helping Nigel’s Mom and Dad with?“ She asked, sounding just like her usual bubbly self, “Could you explain what you’re trying to do with the Delightful Children again?”

Dr. Sharp stroked his whiskers before saying, “I would be glad to explain it to you again, Kuki, but I’m afraid most of it went over your teammate’s heads. I mean no offense and if you would like I could explain it again to any of you who ask, but in the meantime all you all need to know is that I would never harm one hair on the Delightful Children or any other kid’s head.“

“Not even Mandy?” Hoagie asked jokingly.

Dr. Sharp, who still worked with Kids Next Door global command and knew of the wretched little girl who was friends with the Grim Reaper, laughed too. “Good Heavens, no! Especially not Mandy, my fine fellow. I am a doctor. I gleefully battle disease and the decay of the human condition, but there are some bridges that I’m afraid I cannot cross.”

They all laughed except for Miracolina, who halfway wanted to ask about this Mandy girl, but was also not completely sure that she wanted to know.

Dr. Sharp smiled warmly. “Now, is there anyone else who has a question?”

Wally raised his hand, which was unusual for him. “Yes, Number 4?”

“When you had to give Number 1 his Moosebumps shot, did you get him in his big butt?“

Another chorus of laughter.

“I don’t know why Nigel had to lie about getting his moosebumps shot? He should have just turned the other cheek!“ Number 2 joked.

“Come on, man!” Number 5 scolded with tears rolling down her face, “You’ve used that one before.” Despite her objection, Number 5 still laughed like a hyena being tickled.

“Nigel Uno better watch out. The Galactic Kids Next Door are so eager to conquer planets that they might go for his butt! Get it, cause it’s as big as a planet!” Miracolina added with relish. Despite being a former tithe, this type of humor was her favorite (even if she often tried to act above it).

Dr. Sharp stood on the stage at the back of the bridge waiting for the kids to settle down. He polished his monocle, took out his pocket watch and looked at the time, and checked the time again.

Eventually they settled down again and he said “You know, I don’t think it’s very nice making fun of your friend like that… And yes, that’s where Nigel was inoculated!” He said the last part very dry and deadpan, which only made the delivery even funnier. “You cruddy doctor!” Number 4 said, gasping for air. “If you did that, you have no right to accuse me of being unsportsmanlike! You shoot at something bigger than the bloody Moonbase!”

Now everyone was laughing again. With the week they’d had, they had all desperately needed a release.

Unfortunately, though, it was not to last. At the height of the laughter, a chorus of blaster shots sounded from the lawn. Grabbing their equipment, everyone went to peer over the bridge’s windows to see what was happening.

A battle was taking place on the front lawn. Roberta was in full flight from the front porch, pursued by the shots coming from Monty and Jenny, who were out of sight somewhere. The sound of the blaster shots woke up Nurse Jumbo, who despite being a trained medical professional was still an elephant. She didn’t see where the shots came from, but she did see Roberta, and almost stepped on her as she piled into the sleek black limo that was parked out front. Nurse Jumbo was about to pursue when Monty ran out onto the lawn, calming the elephant down. Sector V, Dr. Sharp and Miracolina cheered wildly, especially when Monty and Jenny Uno came through the door.

Although they had driven Roberta off, they did not look too happy about it. “Two days,” Monty said glumly, “two days and Father will be here.“

If there was ever a mood killer, Father was it. Everyone turned to look at Nigel’s parents, waiting for their next orders.

“What do we do?“ Number 2 asked. Nobody answered.

Then Number 5 took her place on the stage, suddenly looking as cool and collected as ever despite her anxiety. “What do you guys think we’re gonna do? You think we’re going to abandon this place? Number 5 sure won’t! If Father wants to come up and take kids under our protection, he’s got another thing coming!”

Number 4 jumped up on the stage next to the Sector Leader. “Number 5’s right! We have the best treehouse in the whole world and we have three of the best Kids Next Door operatives in history under our roof ! If Father comes within a hundred yards, we’re going to give him and that cruddy blonde woman the WORST wedgie either of them had in their entire lives!”

Number 5 looked to her sector, took a deep breath and said, “Kids Next Door, we got two days, and Number 5 says we’ve got work to do!”

Chapter 38: Miracolina

Chapter Text

Sector V’s treehouse was a fortress among fortresses. Nigel had spent a good amount of time of his illustrious career fortifying the already formidable treehouse and he never stopped working on it until the day he joined the G:KND. Of course there had been a few instances where villains had gotten in, but every time they did, Nigel made sure they couldn’t get in the same way twice.

Now the treehouse was equipped with salt and orange juice cannons to discourage Candy Pirates and The Common Cold, acne detectors to alert the Sector of any teenage intruders, automatic snow cone dispensers to pacify Profesor XXXL, the list went on and on. The only thing that needed improvement was the Treehouse’s Toiletnator defense grid, but that was Sector V’s last thought as they prepped for the oncoming firestorm that was Father.

Miracolina, always the helpful sort of girl, felt completely helpless. She wandered through the ginormous treehouse trying to be of some help. Hoagie, who was fixated on repairing the T.U.B.A.D.U.B., shooed her away on sight. Kuki, who happened to be in the hangar at the same time as Hoagie, was surprisingly more friendly. Miracolina had never taken the bubbly girl for much of a mechanic, so she was surprised to find Number 3 doing some maintenance on a giant mechanical white bunny rabbit.

“Wow!” Miracolina said in awe, “Is this yours, Number 3?”

“Sure is!” Kuki replied brightly, swapping out a damaged steel panel for a new one.

“Man, if I’d lived in this world as a little girl, I would have wanted one of these.” Miracolina wasn’t joking. A giant metal bunny rabbit that you could do battle in was the perfect combination of girly and tough.

“His name is Herbie— oops, sorry. That’s his nickname. His full name is Hippie-Hop.”

“Can I help you with anything?” Miracolina came up to Herbie’s head and began to pet the shiny white metal. To her surprise, the rabbit reacted to the attention. “It’s like something out of a spy show!” Miracolina marveled in amazement.

She was so intrigued with Hippie Hop that she forgot that Kuki was working underneath. It was almost too late— almost. Herbie went down on his back for a tummy rub and nearly landed right on Number 3’s head. Kuki screamed as she was almost crushed by the robotic cottontail. With reflexes like a cat, Number 3 rolled the skateboard she was working on out from under Hippie Hop just in the nick of time.

Miracolina winced as Kuki stood. She was at least two feet taller than Kuki, but at that moment Miracolina felt as small as she did the day she got lost at the Vatican. “Look what you just did!” Kuki scolded. “It took me forever to get Herby to sit still, now look!” Hippie Hop was demanding attention and Kuki did the only thing she could do, which was to give in and give him some scratches behind his ears.

“I told you you shouldn’t be up here!” Number 2 called. He’d moved on from the Tubadub and was now in the old school bus Sector V called the “Cool Bus.” Kuki looked up at Hoagie and gave him an evil eye.

Miracolina made a hasty retreat, half embarrassed and half scared. She knew she had a temper, but lord above, had she found her match. She did some more exploring in the Treehouse, marveling for the sixth time at the Treehouse’s power source: a giant room full of hamsters. The size of the power room itself was impressive. The place had to be at least twice the size of her old school. Number 2 had given her the grand tour a couple of days ago, and even though she had gazed in wonder the first five times, she still stood in awe at the sixth.

“All those little hamsters running on their wheel, each of them doing a small part to do something big and powerful and wonderful.” Miracolina was again reminded of her life as a tithe, shaking herself out of her thoughts she left the room.

After that, Miracolina began wandering again aimlessly. She thought of going back to the TV room and finding something to watch, but then she decided against it. I have to find some way to be useful here, Miracolina thought. Like those hamsters. She checked the bridge. No one was there, but she did hear some voices coming from the further down levels of the treehouse.

Miracolina went looking for the voices and found Number 5, Number 4, the Unos and the Delightful Children. The Delightful Children were tethered together loosely and held by Number 4, who menaced them every chance he got.

“Where’s Doctor Sharp?” Miracolina asked.

Monty explained as he was checking a booby trap on the floor. “Old Sharpy’s gone at the moment. He’s coming back, but he wanted to bring something heavier to help us face who’s coming. There, that should do it!” Monty dusted off his hands. “Could you help me up, dear girl?” Miracolina obliged and then she and Number Zero cleared out of the seemingly empty hallway.

“Let her rip!”

Abby, who was staring down the long hallway, nodded grimly and threw the tiniest pebble that Miracolina ever saw down the hallway. That tiny pebble set off the mother of all booby traps.

Parts of the floor fell out, opening trapdoors that led Zero-knows-where. Miracolina’s nostrils were treated to the enchanting aroma of popcorn and pizza as popcorn shot out of the floor like pressurized water and hot steaming pizza pies came spinning out of the wall like buzzsaws.

Before Miracolina could mourn the waste of two perfectly good pizza pies, two giant pieces of bread (one coated in peanut butter and the other one jelly) slammed together, making a sandwich with a loud and deadly CRUNCH!

“Now that’s what I call playing with your food!” Number 2 called from the other end of the room. Number 5 rolled her eyes, but didn’t do much else (even she had to admit that one was pretty good).

“We came to see how everything’s going!” Number 3 piped up excitedly. Mrs. Uno walked over to the giant sandwich and inspected the jelly. Taking a finger, she daintily took a sample and said, “Grape, Nigel’s favorite.”

Likewise Mr. Uno went up to the peanut butter and took a sample of his own. “Creamy? As solid as a defense as this and creamy is the best we can do?”

“Only stuff we could get.” Abby shrugged, “Peanut butter recall, all the crunchy’s been sent back.”

Monty mumbled a few curses under his breath before saying, “All in all, pretty good defenses, Number 5. If Nigel was here and in his right mind, I’m sure he’d be proud.”

The whole Sector stood in awkward silence. Jenny had tears in her eyes and I’m a few seconds Monty did too. Abby was afraid she would have to be the first to speak (being Sector Leader and all) when a buzzing came from Number 2’s pocket.

“Heh heh, I wonder who that could be?” Taking the wooden phone from his pocket, Number 2 checked the screen. “It’s Doctor Sharp. And boy, is he looking sharp!”

Number 5 walked over to Hoagie, stomped on his foot and took the phone. “Hey, Doctor Sharp ! Yeah, yeah. Number 5 will send someone down to help you with your stuff. Number 2, Number 3?” The two were about to go off when Number 4 shouted, “Number 5! Can I please go down and help? Please! Please!”

Ever since Doctor Sharp had been helping set up the Treehouse’s defenses, Wally had grown quite an affection for the legendary fighter. The two had several sparring sessions and Wally was learning quite a lot of new techniques and had even taken up shooting Sharp’s humongous collection of projectile weapons.

Abby playfully pondered the question for a minute before saying, “Uh, Number 4, aren’t you forgetting something?” Wally heard the giggling of the Delightful Children behind him. He wanted to beat the snot out of them, but all he really did was yank on the leash. “Hey, did I tell you cruddy dorks to laugh?” Wally then got on his knees and turned to Abby “Please Number 5, can I go?”

“Number 5’s sorry, but even if it wasn’t for the Delightful Children, you’re second in command. You gotta help me go over some stuff.”

Wally huffed and crossed his arms without dropping the leash.

“Besides,” Abby joked, “if Number 5 remembers correctly, it was your idea to bring The Delightful Children along in the first place.”

Wally drooped like a scorched plant. Just then, Abby’s own watch buzzed. “Hello?”

“Hey Number 5, it’s Number 2. Uh, Doctor Sharp has this big syringe gatling gun that we need help hauling. Could you send someone down to help?“

Abby sighed. What to do, what to do? She wanted both the Unos to stay with her and most of her sector was already busy. She could send Number 4 and tell him to be quick, but having the Delightful Children anywhere but in a secure location was a security risk.

“I could watch them.”
Miracolina’s voice snapped Abby out of her thoughts. For Abby, the answer seemed to come like an angel wearing white (well, more like a 14-year-old girl wearing mint green.)

“Great idea, Miracolina!” Abby said, turning to Number 4. “Alright, Number 4. You can go, just make sure we meet up in the communication room as soon as you’re done.”

“Thanks, Number 5!” Wally said excitedly. Then with a smile full of mischief he said, “Here you go Miracolina, they’re all yours.”

As happy as Abby was with the solution on what to do with the Delightful Children, it was the exact opposite of how the Delightful Children felt on the issue. For Miracolina’s part, she was happy to have something to do. The Delightful Children’s new jailer made scary faces at them and said boo a couple of times to watch them jump, but like Wally, she soon became bored of that.

Much to Miracolina’s disappointment (and a bit of a relief), the Delightful Children soon lost MOST of their fear of her. As the Treehouse was fitted for war, Miracolina and the Delightful Children wandered around the treehouse and ended up in front of the TV.

“We want to watch Rainbow Monkey Teens!” the Delightful Children complained in unison. Miracolina, who was holding the remote, groaned. “Who says you five get to decide what we’re going to watch?”

Then it hit her, and then she laughed. “Isn't it funny how the tables have turned? A couple of weeks ago it was you all , who held the remote. Now…” Miracolina held the remote just out of reach, “…it looks like the shoe’s on the other foot, or more like the remote’s in the other hand!”

She was about to switch the channel to absolutely anything other than Rainbow Monkeys when the Unos, Dr. Sharp and Numbers 2, 4 and 5 came walking in.

Everyone in the group wore a grim look of resolution except Number 4, who had a look of complete and utter despair. “Come on, Number 5, you can’t expect us to watch this now with Father ready to show up any minute!”

“Come on Number 4, it won’t take that long . Do you really think Number 5 wants to watch this?”

Soon the sofa, which was previously occupied only by the Delightful Children and their prison guard, was crowded with people.

“What are you guys watching?” Miracolina asked, handing Abby the remote. Number 4 stuck out his tongue. “Rainbow Dorkies. Apparently Father and that Roberta woman took over their cruddy corporation and they made a special.”

“Oh. Should we wait for Number 3?” Miracolina may not have exactly gotten along with Number 3, but watching her favorite show without her sounded like it would only make things worse.

“Nuh uh, are you kidding?” Number 5 said, clicking on the recording. “That girl’s seen every Rainbow Monkey episode ever!”

“Lucky her.” Hoagie said morosely.

“Come on, Number 2, quit lying!” Abby said, grinning.

“Uh, what are you talking about Number 5?“Hoagie asked nervously.

“Nothing. It just seems that you like going to a very specific place in outer space is all.”

“Don’t tell me you were reading those Rainbow Monkey Romance comics, Number 2?” Number 4 said, putting a finger in his mouth and pretending to gag.

“Rainbow Monkey comics?” Miracolina asked. “And I thought living in a world of unwinding was bad.”

The Delightful Children began to snicker, and Wally, who was in no pleasant mood, was about to go and give the Delightful Children another wedgie.

Luckily for the five little monsters, Monty put an end to the bickering. “If you all wouldn’t mind, Father could be here at any moment.”

Number 4 nodded grimly. “Let's get this crud over with. Miracolina, are you staying?”

“Well, it wouldn’t be nice to leave you to watch this alone, would it?” She winked at Wally, who grinned broadly.

As soon as the special was turned on, they were all in for the biggest horror show of their lives. Jenny squeezed Monty tight when Nigel Comprix was brought in bound, and the members of Sector V who were watching sat there with their jaws dropped. The Delightful Children huddled close together, terrified beyond all comprehension of the fate that they had tried to escape, but still loomed over their heads.

Miracolina, for her part, stayed silent. Despite being the least hardened to combat or adventure, this special did not phase her like it did the veterans of countless feuds and battles. Unwinding was a normal part of life to her. The idea that the unwanted and unmanageable could be taken away and cut up for their parts was just a fact. (Of course, if you were really unlucky your parents could decide to do it before you were born and spoil you rotten for it.)

The TV room was dimmed for the viewing and the dark room made the spectacle of the sweet and cuddly Rainbow Monkeys dancing around with their newly acquired parts even more eerie and macabre.

When the special was over and the last credits went off the screen, the sharp sound of thunder could be heard and then a flash of lighting right before the TV cut off.

It didn’t just cycle back to the feed of another channel but cut off completely. “Power’s out.” Number 2 mumbled nervously. Number 4 went up to the TV, desperately trying to turn it back on. “Oh, crud.”

“It’s quite alright,” Monty said calmly, “Even in a treehouse powered by hamsters, power outages can happen, especially in the weather we’ve been having lately. In a couple of minutes those little furballs will have this place running in no time.'' Monty spoke like a Dad who had experiences with fuse boxes and fixing things with duct tape. But no sooner had he said it than a voice began to sound from one of the playground fun phones that were built into the walls of Sector V’s treehouse. It was Number 3.

“Yoo-hoo? Hello? You guys up there?”

Number 5 approached the play phone and spoke into its megaphone-like speaker. “Kuki? Do you know why the power’s off?”

“I don’t know. Number 5, maybe the hamsters all got tired. It’s been forever since dinner.”

Dinnertime for the hamsters had been thirty minutes ago, but Abby didn’t have a chance to say that before the bubbly girl continued.

“Although I don’t think we have to worry about the power being off. There’s a big ball of light that keeps coming closer and closer down the street…”

Then Kuki screamed, realizing a second later what that meant.

“Number 3, stay calm and stay put. We’re coming up to the bridge.”

Number 5 turned to everyone. “He’s here.”

Everyone stood in silence, taking it in before she continued. “Although… he couldn’t have cut the power because Number 3 says she sees him walking down the street. What Number 5 thinks is that we just have a bad case of Murphy’s Law, but thats okay. We’re the Kids Next Door. We ain’t afraid of the dark! We’re the reasons why monsters don’t live under beds anymore.”

The old saying that was taught to every new Cadet made them all smile. “I invented that saying.” Number Zero whispered with pride. Jenny squeezed her husband’s hand tight.

“So what are we standing around here for? Number 999, take Miracolina and the Delightful Children to the hiding place you and Number Zero got ready. The rest of you, up to the bridge. We need to see how long we have.”

Miracolina and the Delightful Children followed Mrs. Uno while Number 2, Doctor Sharp and Number Zero headed up to the bridge.

Abby was about to follow them when Wally grabbed her arm. “Uh, Number 5, could I see you alone for a second?” Abby sighed impatiently, but nodded grudgingly. ”What is it?” she asked.

Reaching into his orange hoodie, Wally took out a pair of black sunglasses that had once belonged to a little bald headed boy who had given them to Abby when he left as a signal of passing the torch. When the rest of them went back to the Treehouse, she had placed the sunglasses back in his room.

“Number 4…” Abby said painfully, “you… you shouldn’t go in his room.”

“Number 5, he gave you these. You’re our Sector leader. Look, I don’t think you should wear them, that wouldn’t do anybody any good. But I do think you should have them.”

Abby looked at Number 4 as he held out the sunglasses. Number 4’s hand seemed to disappear, along with everything else in the treehouse. There were only the glasses and Abby.

Tears were in Abby’s eyes. She didn’t want the tears to be there by the time she was on the bridge. She gingerly took the glasses and placed them in her pocket.

“Thanks.” Number 5 said softly.

“Come on, we better get up there.” Wally said and the two of them set off.

Monty and Dr. Sharp had to push the big metal doors out of the way manually.

Everyone stood there watching the street, and although it was a dreary evening, it wasn’t raining. But there was thunder and lightning just the same; a great light could be seen just outside the bridge’s big reinforced window, geting closer and closer and…

TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED...

Chapter 39: Coming Home

Chapter Text

It wasn’t very hard for Nigel Uno to get inside his old house. He literally just had to walk through the front door. Of course it was locked, but there was the key that his parents always kept hidden underneath the bush.

Unlocking the door, Nigel made his way through his old house. All around there , were pictures of him and his parents. Here was a picture of the family’s trip to Hap-Happy Land (a memory that did not particularly aid his warm fuzzy feelings towards his parents) and there was a picture of him and his mother, taken on Nigel’s first day of kindergarten…

He paused for a few seconds. His eyes lingered on it, but he finally pressed on.

He came into the living room where a wave of sickness hit him; It smelled the same as when he had left his house the last time. He had to grab something before he and the rest of Sector V went on the scavenger hunt. When he went back through the passage in his room that led up to the treehouse, he thought he would be home in time for dinner that day.

Nigel opened the door to his room and looked around. Everything was just as he left it—well, except the basket of dirty laundry was gone and his bed was made. Nigel sighed. He knew what he was there to do, and he didn’t like it. But orders were orders. The Galactic Kids Next Door was right.

Adulthood was a disease. It had to be cut out.

The secret passageway was hidden in his closet behind a wall. To access the door, he had to lift up a picture frame that hung outside his closet.

The picture in that frame had changed over the course of his time in the Kids Next Door. When he had first become sector leader, the picture was of him standing proudly at graduation, shaking hands with the former Number 274. Where was he now? Number 1 didn’t like thinking about the answer to the question. Then, after Chad left, the picture had been replaced with a picture of the Treehouse itself, newly repaired and with a bright pink ribbon, from where Number 86 and her team had cut it down, and flown it away to The Kids Next Door impounding facility in Arkansas. However, that wasn’t the picture that hung there now. Instead, the little frame held a snapshot of last Fall. The day was beautiful and crisp with colorful red and orange leaves tossing in the wind. In the picture stood five kids, two adults and a giant wrecked Moonbase. After Grandfather's defeat, Nigel Uno had asked a now re-decommissioned Monty Uno to take a picture with him and his Sector. He had accepted on the condition that Nigel’s decommissioned grandfather be in the picture too. Nigel had agreed, and all of them stood smiling for the camera. Everyone in the picture looked happy. Sector V smiled broad smiles of relief ,and the adults smiled oblivious to the 13.9 gazillion tons of metal and duct tape that was cooling behind them. They were both just happy that the five youngsters took an interest in them.

Nigel felt the sting of tears behind his yellow visor. Second time this week, maybe I’m not as strong as I think.He pushed that thought aside though; the Galactic Kids Next Door had chosen him. He was the finest operative on the planet, he was better than any kid or adult here, and he took a moment to recite the mantra that the G:KND had taught him on his first day of Galactic Operative Training, one that had been drilled into his head, and one that he had to keep in mind when he put his booger in the sensor.

"I am a Galactic level operative from the planet Earth, I am the best the human race has to offer Kid kind, I have evolved past the point of human emotions, I feel empathy, but on a grander scale. I must do what must be done."

Did Nigel believe he was past the point of feeling human emotions? He doubted it, really and truly doubted it. But he did believe in the Kids Next Door. They had been the guiding light in his life for a very long time. If the Kids Next Door believed he was ready for this, then who was he to argue?

Lifting the picture of him, his teammates and his Father and Grandfather up, Nigel pressed the red soda cap button. Up went the wall to his closet; and up went the boy in the yellow visor that hid a few stray tears.

Nigel could have gone anywhere he wanted in the treehouse. He knew all sorts of secret passageways that would take him to where he needed to go.

But where was the sport in that? Instead, Nigel took the direct path, the path that any adult or teenage invader would probably take. It was the most clear path towards his objective, but it was also the path that was heavily booby-trapped.

Nigel smiled as he peered down the long narrow hallway. That dream… How did they know? A shiver ran up Nigel’s spine. Amongst the ranks of the Galactic Kids Next Door were operatives who belonged to species that could predict the future. Taking a deep breath, he steadied himself for what he was about to do.

That smile came back to his face. “Alright guys, lets see how well you’ve kept up the place since I’ve been gone.” He took his first step.

Immediately a red alarm sounded from up above and all Hell broke loose. A dreadful siren began to sound and the jets of popcorn shot out of the floor. Nigel nimbly dodged them, then the tripwire that would have released the giant pianos smashing him into a pulp. And then came the pizza buzz saws. Right after that, the floor dropped into nothingness, but once he cleared this, the last trap actually almost got him.

The giant peanut butter and jelly sandwich almost became a peanut butter, jelly and Nigel sandwich.
But thanks to reflexes fine-tuned by weeks of Galactic-level training, Nigel stood triumphant.

The hallway that would have spelled death for anybody else was nothing to him. Nigel had literally run this gauntlet in his sleep(and as a middle-aged adult, no less). No way this was going to kill him in his prime. As soon as he heard the sandwich collide, Nigel went over to the oversized sandwich and used a finger to sample some of the peanut butter. He was not impressed.

“Creamy peanut butter!” Nigel spat, disgusted. “A couple of months of me being gone and we start using creamy peanut butter! What happened to standards?”

In the strange dream a few months ago, it had been creamy too. However, that didn’t make him any less disappointed.

Nigel continued until he arrived at the entrance to the hamster room. Nigel took a deep breath. He had his orders, and he had the tool for the job. All that was left to do was carry them out.

Reaching into his sweater pockets, Nigel pulled out two cans of poison gas. “Rat poison.” Father had told him, ”kills the little suckers slow and painful!”

Nigel could still hear Father’s horrible laughter ringing in his ears. He looked at the two cans. Taking a deep breath, Nigel opened the door. And all at once the hamsters saw him, and they were overjoyed to see him home.

They came at him in one big wave, tackling Nigel to the ground. “Hey, guys, get off. Yeah, I’m glad to see you too.” Nigel began to pet the little hamster that dressed and acted like him. He looked around at the other 8 billion little fuzz balls (especially the other four hamsters who took after his teammates). And he knew at once he couldn't do it.

Thinking fast, Nigel got to his feet. “Hey guys, uh, guess what? Surprise Hamster holiday!”

Thunderous applause came from the hamsters. Nigel smiled with relief.

“So, just go to the hangar and wait for Number 3 and Number 2 on the Cool Buss . You’ll be spending the next two weeks in Jamaica ! You better hurry though —if you guys don’t take off soon, the weather will be too bad and you’ll have to wait another month!”

With that, the hamsters almost trampled Nigel to get to the hangar, except one little one stayed behind to argue.

“No, I’m sorry, Zippy. I don’t care what the calendar says, plans change. Look I know you wanted to go to Antarctica to go sledding, but I’m sure you’ll get to go next year.”

Nigel smiled apologetically as Zippy ran off in a huff to join the other hamsters. Once the very last hamster was gone, he sighed in half-relief. He was a loyal Kids Next Door operative and he had done many things for the organization that he considered morally questionable (most of which in the last few weeks). But killing a bunch of hamsters? For Father, no less?

Nigel shook the treasonist thoughts out of his head and walked over to the control panel for Sector V’s power grid. Although he had saved the hamsters, Nigel could not escape what he was about to do next. It felt more wrong than anything he had ever done in his career (even what he had to do to Rachel last Sunday). Shaking his head and closing his eyes, Nigel flipped the switch that held a reserve power source that powered the treehouse when the hamsters were not directly powering it. Within ten seconds, the treehouse was in utter darkness…

Nigel was about to leave when his watch buzzed. It was Roberta.

Answering it, Nigel soon saw the wretched woman’s image inside his visor.
“Well done, Number 1!” she said glowingly, “Now, are the hamsters…?”

“No ma’am, but they are out of the way.” Nigel was expecting to get chewed out, but instead Roberta nodded. “Good job, Number 1! Between you and me, I believe that your uncle was taking things too far. The hamsters are innocent creatures. You did the right thing.”

Nigel was surprised, but pleasantly so. ”Thank you Miss Griswold, I’m about to return to base in just a min-”

Roberta was frowning again.

Nigel flinched. “Ma’am?”

”Number 1, I’m afraid your work is not yet done. You got us into the treehouse, and if you look out the window I’m sure you can see your Uncle burning his way here.“

Nigel nodded and pressed a button on his visor that minimized Roberta. He walked to a small window and indeed saw a bright and nightmarish light making its way towards the Treehouse at alarming speed. “Your Uncle is going to confront your Father and Mother, Number 1.” Roberta said, making Nigel fidget uncomfortably despite his training. “But I’m afraid that dealing with your Father and your Mother and your friends may be a bit too much for him to handle. “

Nigel knew what was coming.

He had halfway expected it for a long time, but he still dreaded the orders that came from the woman’s red lips.

“Number 1, you must take out Sector V.”

Chapter 40: Old Times

Chapter Text

Father stood at his brother’s front door, feeling less invincible by the second. Only a minute ago he had been cackling evilly at the thought of unwinding his own nephew, but now Benedict Uno stood silent. An eerie quiet had fallen over the tiny suburban neighborhood. Of course, Father couldn’t hear the panicked activity on the bridge, but something was different, very different.

Father was beginning to doubt if he should have called out Monty like that.(not only call him out, but threaten his snot-nosed brat!)

Benedict gulped; he was about to say something evil, anything to break the ominous silence, but before he could even let out the smallest of evil cackles, the door opened.

Jenny Uno stood there calmly smiling. “Well hello, Benedict, so nice of you to drop in. Would you care to come inside?”

Father had rehearsed this confrontation a million times in his head these last couple of weeks. (No , not weeks; the last couple of months, or maybe not months, the last couple of years— alright, decades.) He had used up countless notepads, filling them with countless one-liners to use.

Now look, it’s Monty’s hot date(Fireball to Jenny’s face)

Now I see why Monty’s always so hot and bothered (Fireball to Jenny’s face).

Looking at you I can tell that you two make a hot couple (Fireball to Jenny’s face).

The latest one he came up with was, in his opinion, the best: Your wife’s scalding hot, Monty! (Fireball to Jenny’s face).

But he didn’t use a single one of his well-rehearsed lines. Instead, Father stood speechless. His knees felt shaky, and he suddenly felt the strong urge to pee.

“Benedict?” Jenny asked politely. Father furrowed his eyebrows in a scowl. “Yes, I would, thank you.” he muttered, glancing back over his shoulder at the quiet street.

Jenny nodded and said nothing more as she turned her back, leading her brother-in-law into her family’s home.

Father was starting to wonder if Jenny hadn’t been recommissioned after all. Roberta said she had, but maybe she’s wrong? That idea gave him a bit of a boost and allowed him to conjure up his evil scowl, but as they both entered the house, just before Jenny turned her back on him, he saw murder in her eyes.

Jenny and Benedict made their way to the living room, where Benedict saw the sofa turned down to its sleeper and a cozy looking tea set with delicious-smelling steam coming out of the kettle, right next to a plate of scrumptious looking chocolate chip cookies. Maybe they're still decommissioned, Father thought.

He sat down, taking a teacup and pouring himself some tea. He had just pressed the cup to his lips when he heard Jenny’s voice, very harsh and very flat, say “That’s not for you!”

Father spat out his tea and looked at Jenny. ”What? Then who's it for?”

“The Children!” Jenny said angrily. The look on her face said it all.

She knew.

“Where is he?!” Father flared with a sudden burst of rage. Jenny didn’t cower or hide. She just stared at Father unflinching, then rolled her eyes.

“Roll your eyes! At me! I’ll burn your eyes out, you little…’

Then, suddenly, the rage was gone, its heat replaced with cold dread as Jenny pointed down. He knew immediately where his brother was.

Father shuddered as he began to make the same ascent that his nephew made not half an hour ago.

Oh, let him Ben!

Of course you’d be the one to say that, Monty. Your gut was always bigger than your head,Father thought bitterly.

The place had grown up quite a lot since he was here last. It was an old tree to begin with, but now… Father had been worried that he wouldn’t be able to find the entrance, but not even halfway up the tree’s trunk he found what he was looking for. The spot used to be the Tree’s highest branch—Monty had snuck off there since the Uno brothers were little kids, it was his place. It was odd that the boys hadn’t stumbled across the entrance till they did—it wasn’t a rare occurrence for Monty to slam his fist in anger against the trunk. But what Monty did was nothing compared to Father, who punched the entrance to the Secret Treehouse with his fist alight with an eerie glow.

Father took his first tentative step downwards, content to see the embers of his fist not being smothered by one of those snot-nosed brat’s contraptions.

This treehouse will burn well.

The Secret Treehouse of Coolness was of a much older style of Kids Next Door Treehouses. Instead of being built up into the branches, it was located in the trunk and roots. As Father made his way down a wave of memories came flooding back.

It was here where they both found it.

For a moment, Father stood transfixed at the sight of his brother. For a moment, Benedict was convinced that Monty hadn’t grown up at all. He didn’t see a tubby middle aged man, he saw Number Zero. And he was scared.

Monty, for his part, pretended not to notice his brother, he merely stood at the center of the room leaning over a stump that was the oldest part of a very old treehouse . What he was reading was obvious to Father, but it didn’t scare him any less when the thick ancient book closed with a great thud.

The Book of KND.

Monty took a deep sigh, and turned around to face his brother. “Sure brings back memories, doesn’t it, Ben?“

“Funny. I thought you weren’t supposed to have any memories left, Monty. How long have you been pulling my leg? And don’t tell me you were recommissioned yesterday!”

“Did your new lady friend tell you?” Monty said wryly.

“Very funny. No. You sort of gave it away the first time you came for a visit a few months back, but I gave you the benefit of the doubt until the last time you said ‘spaced out‘. I was about to burn you and your wife to a crisp!” Benedict flared up in one of his rages, laughing evilly. He made extra care not to set anything on fire just yet. All in due time, all in due time.

“So you were able to figure out all that without her help? I’m impressed, Ben.“

Father’s fiery rage deflated into confusion. “What?”

“You were able to figure out that Jenny and I still had our memories, without that dreadful woman feeding you intel. Good for you, Ben!”

Sparks flew between Father’s knuckles. “What are you trying to say Monty ?”

Monty took a deep breath and hoped this wasn’t his last chance. “Roberta Griswald is bad news, Ben. You may be evil, but she’s… on another level.”

Father took a step closer to his brother, flames at his fingertips. “Not on my level? Monty, haven't you seen the things I’ve done? I’ve tried to have kids baked into a giant cake! I kidnapped five kids, wiped them from existence, and turned their husks into my Delightful Children, and that’s just the tip of the iceberg! I’m unmatchably evil!”

Monty loved his little brother, no matter what. And although he felt disgust as his brother went on and on about the atrocities he had committed, Monty said nothing to condemn him, but instead let him finish and then quietly said, “Ben, I don’t think you know who you're dealing with.”

Monty then walked over to the book. “I don’t doubt that you’re evil, Ben, truly, unashamedly evil, but she’s something on an entirely different scale.”

He opened the book and motioned to his brother. “Come here, Ben. There’s something I want you to see.”

Benedict looked at his brother as he leafed through the very old and very, very dusty book.

This is my chance, he’s not even paying attention! Do it now!

A fireball formed in Benedict’s fist. He raised it to throw at his hated older brother (serves him right for being Pappy’s favorite!)

But then he stopped, for a horrible, uncontrollable old curiosity began to reemerge. It was a curiosity that the evil adult had stowed away in the very back of his mind ever since the times he tried so hard not to remember.

As children, Monty and Benedict Uno had discovered the Book of KND together, but Benedict had never seen inside of it. He had wanted to look all those years ago when his older brother had stood in the very same spot doing the same thing he was doing now, but fear had stopped him. His father (Nigel’s grandfather) was a very evil and more importantly very powerful man.

Pappy always knew everything.

“No, I can’t.” Father heard himself say, sounding almost like the timid kid he’d been the last time he was down here.

“Come on.” Monty said softly, motioning Ben over to him with his hand. “Old Pappy’s not going to find out; you know you want to.”

Father felt his feet move without his permission as he made his way over towards his brother, standing beside him. Father peered over to look at the page Monty flipped to. The page was blank, but written in big fancy letters read a single name:

BENEDICT UNO

“What?“

Father was too shocked to do anything except ask, “Why is my name in the Book of—”

Monty smiled at his brother. “I had hoped after I had beaten Pappy that you would come around… I wrote your name here in the chance you would come and join us.”

“We all know how that turned out, didn't we?” Father growled, clenching his fists once again.

“Don’t you see, Ben? This is your chance, the chance to do the right thing. If Roberta and her friends take over, they’ll be more powerful than you or Pappy or even Great Grandma-ma .”

Both brothers shivered at the memory of Grandfather’s mother.

Monty held out his hand, looking for all in the world like Numbuh Zero again. “Ben, we could stop this, you and me, now what do you say?”

Benedict looked down at Monty’s outstretched hand and laughed. With one snap of his hand, The Book of KND was set ablaze.

“Have you ever seen a snot-nosed brat unwound, Monty? Have you ever heard them scream?”

He let out another burst of sinister laughter. “My darling Roberta’s a musician, Monty, and the screams of the unwound are beautiful. And you know what? Your son being unwound would be the most beautiful music to my ears!”

Monty barely dodged a fireball being thrown at him. The blaze hit the tree roots behind him with a sizzling crackle. Benedict laughed and laughed, but he didn’t laugh long.

Something hit his face—Hard. Benedict was knocked flat on the ground and when he looked up, he saw Monty standing over him.

“Gloves are off Ben, you’ve threatened my family once too often.”

Benedict slowly got to his feet and let out an outburst of hellish fury. He became a fireball and the whole place was a sea of red, orange and yellow.

“So it is Monty, so it is.”

And the fight was on.

Chapter 41: Number 2

Chapter Text

“Anybody home?” Number 2 called out to the empty hamster room. The deafening silence of the large room where the thousands of hamster wheels that powered the treehouse were located answered him.

“Guess not,” Hoagie laughed nervously. He went around to the back of the room to check on the generator that should have kicked in when the hamsters left their posts for… Whatever reason, and to Number 2’s horror, the generator’s cords hadn’t been gnawed though by one of the hamsters (a rather common occurrence), nor had it blown a fuse at the worst possible time. What happened to the generator was far worse; someone had switched it off.

Stupid hamsters probably just jumped on it when they were heading out.

They would have had to jump pretty high, wouldn’t they?

Much to Hoagie’s dread, the emergency generator was set at the standard regulation height to keep any hamsters from turning it off by mistake.

Number 2 took a couple of deep breaths. “So the generator’s off. So what? Those little fuzzballs can jump pretty high. One of them probably did.”

In an organization run by kids who had trouble keeping clothes clean for picture day, or who forget their lunches on the bus, Murphy’s law was a fact of life. Everything that could go wrong did. A common joke on a mission gone horribly wrong was that Number Murphy was giving his support. If there really is a kid out there named Murphy, then he has to have even worse luck than Number 13. Number 2 turned his thoughts away from poor Number Murphy, and prepared to turn the generator back on.

“This should brighten our day!” Number 2 chuckled to himself, and as if by magic, his own pun brightened his mood and made his latest anxieties disappear. Hoagie reached for the generator’s handle.

What was that?

Hoagie P. Gilligan practically had eyes built into the back of his head. It was what made him such a good pilot, and he knew, just knew, that someone was watching him in the dark. Dropping both his flashlight and his watch, and his walkie-talkie he ran.

As Number 2 made his flight down the hall, a little part of him was scolding himself for not bothering to turn the generator back on.Should have grabbed the flash drive back at the Delightful Mansion too.

But then he thought better of it. If I stayed there, whatever was watching me was going to get me.

And then the ground rushed up at his face, cracking his goggles on impact. He was just about to curse a loose plank or a tree root or whatever blasted thing Number Murphy had been tinkering with when he looked up.

Number 1 was standing quietly over him, not a ripple of emotion on his face.

Number 2 scrambled backwards, his heart racing in his chest. “Hey, Number 1, long time no see. So, how are you enjoying those Yipper comics?“

Without a word, Nigel lifted Hoagie by his shirt collar and held him up so that the two boys were eye to eye, cracked pilot goggles against a yellow visor.

Hoagie let out a nervous chuckle. “Uh, nice visor?”

Nigel just stared at his former best friend, blank and emotionless. Hoaige was just about to scream at the top of his lungs for help, when Nigel said, “I knew it. I knew it was you messing around in the Hamster Room, Number 2. I knew it from the second I heard you. Get it? Second, Number 2!”

As Nigel laughed at his own pun, Hoagie was certain that all the times Number 5 swatted him with her hat were justified. But as Nigel laughed, Hoagie hit him with something far more effective than a hat.

Reaching into his pocket, Number 2 put a joy buzzer on his hand, and gave Nigel’s shoulder a good squeeze. It wasn’t just any joy buzzer, though. He had modified it himself until what used to be just a quick burst of pain was now transformed into a weapon that was about as powerful as a standard police taser.

Number 1 quickly let go of Hoagie’s collar, dropping him to the floor the instant the buzzer made contact.

Number 2 scrambled away, watching as his former sector leader and best friend stagger back in agony for a couple of seconds and then collapse to the floor, silent and still.

“Well, Number 1, it’s shocking to see you again.” Hoagie approached Nigel slowly. The bald-headed boy appeared to be unconscious, but no need to take any chances.

It is impossible to say if what happened next was a mistake on Hoagie’s part or not. Sooner or later, it was going to happen at some point.

Leaning over Nigel, Hoagie slowly and carefully reached for his visor. A morbid curiosity overpowered him.

He’d seen what Father did to The Steve. Did that mean that Nigel had undergone some similar procedure, whether it was the Galactic Kids Next Door or Proactive Citizenry who did it to him? Was someone else’s mind controlling his old friend and leader like a puppet?

Hoagie didn’t get to find out. As soon as his hands touched the golden visor, Nigel came awake!

Seizing Hoagie’s arm, Nigel sent Hoagie flying though the air with one quick motion. The 2x4 engineer crashed to the floor with an echoing thud.

“Had enough, old friend?” Number 1 asked mockingly.

Hoagie(with much difficulty) was able to string together a jumbled reply.

“I’ll take that as a yes, then,” Number 1 said almost to himself, dragging Number 2 by the flaps of his pilot’s hat back into the Hamster room. When Number 2 came to, he was once again staring Number 1 in his face.

“Where are the others, Number 2?” Nigel asked in a voice that sounded as if he was asking why everyone wasn’t training, instead of literally invading his home treehouse. Number 2 spat on the visor and waited for a wave of pain that he was sure was going to wash over him at any moment. But the pain never came; instead Nigel calmly pressed a button on the side of his visor which released a spray of water, cleaning it. Then, with the tap of another hidden button, the visor slid apart and opened, revealing his eyes.

“I’m not the enemy, Hoagie,” Nigel said softly, sounding almost as if he were the one who had been under attack just minutes before.

Hoagie forced himself to look at Nigel’s face. “You’re the one working with Father and that Griswold woman to unwind kids.”

Number 2 was still reeling from seeing Number 1’s face. He was surprised that Nigel still had his eyes when he had expected to see robotic replacement eyes or large gaping holes. From the moment he saw Nigel’s visor, Hoagie had guessed that the Galactic Kids Next Door had ripped out his eyes and the visor was his only means of sight now. But no, Nigel’s eyes were behind the visor, and they were the eyes that saw the same adventures that he saw, the eyes that used to look on Number 2’s inventions with the pride of having the best 2x4 specialist in the Kids Next Door, the same eyes that looked at the tv screen while the Sector gathered around the TV to watch a movie or play a video game. The eyes unmistakably belonged to Nigel Uno, his former sector leader and best friend; and now the eyes were full of pure, unfiltered disgust. “Not Kids, Hoagie. Teenagers.”

Hoagie shakily stood up and tried very hard to sound brave. “I was a teenager once, Number 1, and to tell you the truth, I didn’t feel much different than I do now.”

Nigel said nothing, although Hoagie noticed—or thought he noticed—a small shudder. Maybe he was finally getting through.

“We’re best friends, Number 1.”

“I know.”

“So why are you doing this to us? We’re your sector, we’ve always had your back. Why can’t you have ours now?”

Nigel stiffened, and suddenly he was cold and collected again. “Number 2, I’m a Kids Next Door Operative. I took an oath to protect the world against Adult tyranny, and I take that oath very seriously. I guess you’re too grown-up to take it seriously.”

And with that, Nigel flipped the switch to the generator, and power was restored to the Treehouse once more.

“Can’t have the guys getting too suspicious, can we?”

Hoagie reached for his walkie-talkie, but before he got his hands on it, Nigel’s boot crushed it to pieces. “I’m here to remind all of you of your oath today, Number 2. You and the rest of the team will remember who you serve.”

And with an elbow to the head, Hoagie was out cold.

Nigel walked away and left him on the wooden floor.

One down, three to go.

Chapter 42: Nigel and Kuki

Chapter Text

The Cool Bus was alive with excitement.

Not only had the hamsters seen their old boss and friend, but they had also been granted a surprise vacation. By the time Number 3 climbed on board, the hamsters' squeals of delight were deafening.

“Humphrey, don’t nibble on the seat, Franky, quit pulling your sister’s ear, Zippy, get down from there!” At last Kuki had a semblance of order on board the old bus. Taking a deep breath (because getting a bus jam-packed full of three thousand hamsters to listen to you was exhausting work) she asked them all, “Why are you sillies down here instead of powering the treehouse?”

“Hamster holiday!” The hamsters all answered joyfully (except for Zippy, who crossed his little paws and grumbled “We were supposed to go skiing.”)

“Hamster holiday?” Kuki asked, confused.

“Hamster holiday.” came an answer that wasn’t in Hamster at all.

Kuki’s eyes automatically darted to the seat where the hamsters who dressed and acted like Sector V sat, but the Nigel imhamsternator hadn’t said a word.

Then Number 3 felt a small, gentle tap on the shoulder. She turned around with a little startled jump, finding herself face-to-face with her old sector leader.

Nigel nodded softly without smiling. “These hamsters have been working super hard and I think it’s high time they’ve had a vacation. Don’t you think, guys?”

The hamsters went wild beyond the point of calming them down anytime soon. While they were cheering, Nigel went over to the Cool Bus’s controls and with one smooth motion, severed the radio’s cords.

As soon as he was done, he walked to the door and motioned with his hand for Kuki to come outside and have a word with him. Number 3 obliged with her nose stuck up defiantly in the air.

“How are you, Kuki?” Nigel asked once they were both outside in the Hangar.

“Fine,” Kuki said a little too quickly, “How about you? Are you enjoying your new friends?”

“New friends? Kuki, I’m a Kids Next Door operative, you're a Kids Next Door operative, you know how it is. Sometimes we have to work with people who are… not very nice… for the greater good of all kids.”

“Like Father?”

The rat poison in Nigel’s pocket felt a lot heavier all of a sudden. He shuddered at the thought of what Father wanted him to do.

Kuki noticed his shivering. “What’s the matter?”

“I’m fine, I’m fine.” Sweet Number 3, always taking care of her sector. Would she feel so concerned if she knew what I was getting ready to do half an hour ago? Number 1 looked at the Cool Bus full of hamsters and was filled with relief in the knowledge that no matter who he worked with for now, he still made the right call. And not only that, but Roberta had backed him up. That alone had to prove that he had chosen his allies carefully.

“Kuki…”

She gave him that worried look again and Nigel felt his stomach churn.

“Look. I know things look bad right now, but listen— it’s not how it looks.“

Number 3 just crossed her arms and said “Hmm.”

Nigel adjusted his visor, took a breath and continued. “Me and my… Organizations are just using Father at the moment. He’s just a tool. A stepping stone to help us obtain something very important in the fight against Adult Tyranny.”

“So unwinding kids is part of the plan to battle Adult Tyranny?”

Number 1 shook his head without a trace of emotion on his face. “Not kids, Kuki. Teenagers.”

Number 3 turned her back to Number 1. “And I thought I was the airhead.”

“Kuki…” Number 1 said, “please, you’ve got to understand…” Nigel felt his cheeks go hot. For some reason the bubbly girl’s scorn hurt a lot more than he thought it would. Before he could say anything else, his watch began to buzz. No time, no time, I have to keep moving.

“New friends?” Number 3 asked quietly, sounding hurt.

“Not new friends, Kuki, just people I work with. Was Number 86 my friend?”

“Was Rachel? You know she’s gone missing, right?”

Nigel went silent, and his silence made Number 3 sure that Number 1 knew something horrible. But before she could ask any more, Number 1 asked, “Kuki, do you have any other way of reaching the others?”

Number 3 moved her hands deeper inside her green sweater.

“Kuki, hand over your watch.”

She stuck out her tongue.

“Number 3!” Number 1 yelled. This caught the hamsters attention, who all looked out the window to see why Number 1 was yelling.

“Number 3,” Nigel said quietly. “Father wanted me to kill them. But I didn’t. Could you get them somewhere safe for me?”

It was a cruel ploy, and a very effective one. Kuki Sanban wanted to help her friends. Every fiber of her being wanted to call her watch and tell the others. But what if I do? Number 1 said that Father wanted the hamsters dead, was he threatening them? Would he do it if I don’t say yes?

Reaching into his pockets, Number 1 lifted the can of rat poison out just enough for Kuki to see it. With tears in her eyes, Kuki had made her choice.

Number 2, Number 5, and Number 4 (especially Number 4) could defend themselves just fine. She knew that. But a flying school bus full of hamsters couldn’t.

Kuki took off her communication watch and handed it over, then did the same thing with the P.I.P.E.R. phone she had hidden in her sweater.

“Is that all, Number 3?” Number 1 asked. Number 3 sighed and dug from her pocket a little Walkie Talkie in the shape of a Rainbow Monkey, orange in color.

“Ah, the Specially Special Best Friends Forever Rainbow Monkey Walkie Talkie, with a customizable color scheme for your special friend. I take it… that Number 4 has the green one?” Nigel had a hint of hurt in his voice, as if he wished that the little Rainbow Monkey was red instead of orange. Kuki nodded, which only made Nigel frown and look at the floor. A smile soon replaced it— not a cruel smile by any stretch of the imagination, but it had a certain mocking knowing in it.

“You can keep this one,” Number 1 said, handing it back to Kuki, “I doubt Number 4 still has his. Probably sold it for chili fries, knowing him.”

Number 3 took the walkie talkie back, and knew without a doubt that Number 1 was right. Kuki turned her back to Number 1 again. Too many tears of hurt and helplessness were beginning to well up, and she didn’t want this hateful boy who had once been the best Sector leader in the Kids Next Door to see her cry.

“Kuki—“ Number 1 said trying to touch her shoulder, “I didn’t mean it like that, I’m sor—”

Before he could finish, his cheek was stinging. Number 3 had smacked him, hard. “Number 1, you are the airhead.”

Kuki turned and began to get onto the Cool Bus, but before she closed the door she said “Father and that mean woman took over the Rainbow Monkeys since you’ve been gone. You should watch their newest special. They named a new Rainbow Monkey after you.”

And with that the door to the Cool Bus was closed, and within another minute it was airborne and out of the hangar. Nigel Uno was feeling very puzzled indeed, and his cheek hurt like hell.

Father and Roberta, taken over the Rainbow Monkeys?

A sudden chill ran up his spine, and for a moment he pondered in what circ*mstances he could lose it. Galactic Command better know what they're doing.

Just then Nigel’s watch buzzed again, Roberta was waiting for a new update. “Yes Ma'am?“

“How’s it coming along, dear?”

“Two down, two to go.”

“We’re running late. Speed it up a little, Number 1. Remember, your Uncle is still down with your Father.”

Roberta smiled beamingly through Nigel’s visor, sending a shiver down his side.

“Is something the matter?”

They named one after you…

“No ma’am.”

“Then hurry up, we don’t have all night. Griswold out.”

Nigel sighed and left the hangar. “This night keeps getting better and better.” he said to himself.

Kuki flew the Cool Bus away from the Treehouse as quickly as it could fly, not only to get the Hamsters somewhere safe as quickly as possible, but also to get herself back to the Treehouse. Kuki Sanban was coming back— to what, she didn’t know, but she was going back to help her friends, all of them; even the ones that tried to kill your other more furry friends with rat poison, and even the friends who tried to steal your boyfriend.

Probably sold it for chili fries…

Kuki stepped on the gas, propelling the Cool Bus to incredibly fast speeds and making some of the hamsters whoop with delight and others sick to their stomachs. He and that teenager probably got hungry and DID sell it for chili fry money. Kuki gripped the steering wheel tight, what else was there to do? Then, even though she didn’t expect anything to happen, she reached reached for the Walkie talkie.

The Specially Special Best Friends Forever Rainbow Monkey Walkie Talkie was not a piece of Kids Next Door 2X4 technology. It was a toy. The idea was to give it to the one person who you cared the most about in the entire world, so that you would always be connected to them, no matter what. Taking a deep breath, she pressed the button.

TRANSMISSION INTERRUPTED…

Chapter 43: Treehouse Battle

Chapter Text

Wally was getting nervous. This wasn’t the first time that he’d been in the Treehouse when the lights had gone off, and every time the power went out, it meant something bad had happened. The giant Lice, Grandfather, that one time Toiletnator managed to cut the power, and used the brief 5-minute blackout to to sabotage the Treehouses’ septic tank…

Number 4 cringed at that last memory (the smell made Bradley seem like a bouquet of roses.) As he paced his rounds, he waited, waited for the call over the radio about the something-that-would-go-wrong.

Those cruddy Juvie cops probably have all sorts of ways to take out our power. They’re used to dealing with teenagers, no telling what they could do to us.

Number 4 had seen some horrors in his career with the Kids Next Door. The idea of dealing with a foe from another dimension did not lead his very active kid’s imagination to good places.

Wally was just thinking of something horrible when something unexpected happened; the lights came back on. Wally breathed a sigh of relief. By the looks of things, Sector V was going to be just fine. Now that the power was on, they could take whatever Father could throw at them.

Odds are that Number 1’s Dads put Old Matchsticks on ice.

“Man, Number 2 should really hear that!” Wally laughed at his own joke aloud to to the empty treehouse. Without a second thought, he pressed down on a button on his walkie talkie, “Number 2! Nice going man, you had this thing up in no time!”

But no response came.

“Number 2? Number 2? Do you copy? Number 2?”

No dice.

So what? He’s probably just fiddling with something, making some kind of final adjustments, yeah that's it, final adjustments.

Wally, satisfied with that thought, kept walking.

It’s against Kids Next Door protocol, to
maintain radio silence in a situation like this. Number 2 knows that.

The old Number 4 wouldn’t have given a Rainbow Monkey about Kids Next Door safety regulations, but ever since he became second in command he had started to think a little differently.

I’ll just call Number 5, Number 2 probably checked in with her as soon as he got the Treehouse up and running again.

So he called Number 5. “Hellooo, Number 5?”

“Number 4?” She didn’t sound too happy.

Wally looked back over his shoulder before speaking into the radio again. “Have you heard anything from Number 2?”

“Number 5 was just about to call you and ask the same thing.”

“Well… the lights are back on.”

“Yeah, and usually he would have called me to report it with some lame pun.”

“Want me to go check?”

Radio silence followed for a couple of seconds, followed by some shuffling on Number 5’s end. But Number 4 was already on his way to the Hamster room before she said yes.

“Be careful, Number 4,” she said desperately.

That tone of voice made Wally infinitely more concerned. “Roger that, Number 5.”

Wally tried to make radio contact with Hoagie several more times, to no avail. It took longer than it should’ve to reach the Hamster room. Usually Wally would just take one of the ga-billon elevators around the Treehouse, but he didn’t think this too good of an idea since the power just went out.

About twenty feet from the Hamster Room, he saw him. Number 2, Wally’s best friend, was sprawled out on the floor in front of him.

“Number 2!” Wally shouted as he ran towards his comrade. ”Number 2, Number 2, Number 2!”

Wally was no Kuki, but he knew basic first aid and as he examined his friend he noticed all the cuts and scrapes and a large goose egg-bump on the back of his head.

“Number 2, wake up, say something!”

Hoagie opened his eyes and groaned. Wally almost could have hugged him.

“Number 2, who did this to you?”

But Number 2 didn’t answer that question.
Instead he said, ”Father wins, fire, burns treehouse… save guinea pigs…”

The guinea pigs! Before the Kids Next Door switched to using hamsters, the organization used guinea pigs to power the treehouses instead. Now a whole tribe of them lived in the wildest branches of the treehouse. Did anyone warn them of the danger?

”Crud!” Wally said, roughly dropping Number 2 by accident. Wally moved closer to his friend, but Hoagie shooed him away. “Go! I’m fine, go and get them out. Ow!” Number 2 rubbed his head and Wally reluctantly agreed and headed off to send the warning, but as Hoagie sat nursing his wounds he felt that he had forgotten something very, very important.

As Number 4 rounded the corner he heard a very unexpected and very unwelcome sound.

“RAINBOW MONKEYS, RAINBOW MONKEYS, OH SO VERY ROUND AND SUPER CHUNKY!”

“What the crud!?” Number 4 yelped, ”Out of all the times and all the places, that song! That cruddy song! Where the crud is it coming from?”

But as angry as Wally was when he heard that song, he was even more scared when he realized exactly where that horrible sound was coming from. “Holy crud, Kuki!”

Reaching down the collar of his sweater, Number 4 pulled out the last thing that anybody would think Wallabee Beatles would ever have. Tied under his orange hoodie against the left side of his chest with a piece of green string was a little toy radio in the shape of a Rainbow Monkey, green in color.

“Kuki, Kuki! Come in Kuki!” Number 4 said in a panic. Visions of Number 3 hurt by whatever beat up Number 2 were swarming in his head.

Finally, Kuki’s voice came. “Oh Wally, it's terrible!”

“What’s terrible? Are you hurt?”

“No, but Number 1’s-”

“Hello again, Number 4.”

Wally nearly jumped out of his skin when he heard Nigel Uno right behind him.

“Back?” Number 4 asked the radio. “Yeah… how did you know already?”

“Hello, Kuki.” Number 1 said, but before he could say anything else, Wally turned off the radio and tucked it safely away. Moving back a bit, Number 4 instinctively stepped into a defensive position.

“Nice to see you again Number 4,”

He tried to sound friendly like he’d already tried with his other former teammates, but like the rest of them Wally was having none of it.

“Yeah, I wish I could say the same thing, Number 1.”

The two boys glared at each other. Wally couldn’t see Nigel’s eyes, but he could feel them through the visor.

“So, you didn’t sell that thing for chili fries after all?” Nigel said, sounding almost amused.

“Thought about it,” Wally admitted, “but I’m glad I didn’t. Guess I need that cruddy thing after all.”

Then Number 1 smiled a truly sincere smile. Wally returned it. “Wish hers was red instead of orange?“

“Yes, Number 4, I do.” And with that, Nigel lunged at Wally.

Fighting Rachel a couple of days back had been a fun challenge, but fighting Wallabee Beatles was a nightmare. Number 4 wasn’t Sector V’s hand-to-hand-combat expert for nothing, and even if his former sector leader was saving space kids in Canada, his fighting skills hadn’t suffered for it. There was none of the graceful dancing with Rachel. As soon as Nigel pounced, Wally struck beneath the lung and tackled the taller boy to the ground with surprising strength and battered him with a flurry of hard punches and kicks. Twice Nigel shocked Wally with a taser that was on his wrist, but despite his hair being all the more frizzled and the horrible burns, Number 4 kept up his attack like a wild animal. When Nigel tried to shock Wally a third time, Wally bit down on Nigel’s arm, drawing blood. It took all his might for Nigel to hurl Number 4 off of him, but Number 4 didn’t stop; he kept charging and charging.

Eventually both boys were worn out and stood on opposite sides of the hall, huffing and puffing.

“So it was you then? You were the one who—gasp—beat up Number 2!”

“Glad to see —huff— your intellect has sharpened since the last time we’ve met.”

Number 4 had heard that tone of voice at least a hundred times. It was the voice Number 1 always used when Wally screwed up royally. He used that same tone when Number 4 had botched the piano job, or when he was out bully fighting instead of getting ready for a big mission. That tone of voice made Wally feel sheepish when he knew he deserved it, but now it filled him with black rage.

“I can’t believe you would beat up your best friends to help Father kill kids!”

Nigel huffed angrily, They’re not being killed. They’ll survive, but they won’t be able to do any more damage.” His voice was almost a monotone, like he was explaining the most obvious thing in the galaxy.

Then his fist clenched and the anger was back. “And why do you even care? They’re just teenagers, Wally! Teenagers! Like the ones who tried to take over our school and make us slaves! Like the ones who spread around the Colonel strain of Chicken Pox! Those teenagers! Honestly, I can’t believe you and the guys would—”

Number 4 caught his breath first, breaking into a fierce sprint with his head bent down. Wally charged Nigel hard, knocking the wind out of him. “What a disgrace, from the best operative on the planet to just another cruddy super villain! Tell me Number 1, did you get your coupons for the Super Villain Grocery store?”

Nigel lay wheezing as Number 4 stood on top of him. As Wally reached for his KND walkie-talkie, Nigel examined himself. No broken ribs, not even bruised, it hurts worse than it actually was. “Hello? Number 5? Yeah, Number 1’s back, I got him right here. Number 2’s hurt but he’ll be fine, I’ve roughed Number 1 worse than he’s hurt now, yeah I can—”

“Coward.” Number 1 hissed.

“What the crud did you just call me?” Wally said, dropping the walkie-talkie for a second. Number 1 raised his head. “I called you a coward, Number 4.”

Wallabee Beatles, had been called many things over the course of his short life. Short, moron, bully; he really didn’t care about any of those, but coward?

After Number 1 was down, Number 4 had taken a couple of steps backwards as a precaution. Now he gave up those few precious steps again as he advanced on Nigel, intending to kick him in the head just like Nigel had done to Hoagie. But as soon as he took that second step, Nigel pounced. The fight was renewed again, both boys rolling around, punching, kicking, biting and scratching.

“Number 4! Number 4!” came Number 5’s frantic voice over the dropped radio. The fight went on as both boys bled. Wally received a retaliatory kick to the ribs and a bloody nose while Nigel got a cut above his left eye. Wally smiled as he saw Nigel try to wipe the blood off his face with the back of his hand. In his couple of weeks training under Doctor Sharp, he’d picked up a couple of tricks and one of them was the cut above the eye. “Cut a chap here, old boy, and he’ll bleed like a stuffed pig, and have a hard time keeping blood out of it.”

As Nigel tried desperately to clear the blood from his eye (a job made infinitely harder by the visor) Wally made a desperate scramble to put some distance between him and Nigel.

Wally smiled in triumph. One more charge will break him, Wally thought as he ran forward. But in the Kids Next Door, nothing ever really went how anyone expected.

Number 1 was good, really good. And although blood still poured freely from the wound, Nigel had activated the visor’s self cleaning mechanism, it was clearing fast.

Nigel landed a single well-placed kick, sending Wally flying again. This time he crashed against the wall and was left stunned for a few seconds, giving Number 1 his chance. He sprang upon the smaller boy, the two of them clawing and biting like feral cats once again.

“Had enough, Wally?” Nigel panted with his arms around Wally’s throat, squeezing to knock him out.

“Not… on your life.” Number 4 gasped before rabbit kicking Nigel in the stomach. Both boys were exhausted.

They laid beside each other for a long time, each looking for the strength to get up. Both boys made several attempts, but both struggled to even get up on their bloody knees. At last Wally rose, slowly and wobbly with half-dried blood across his knuckles. He had no idea how much of the blood was his own.

Second wind’s coming, Number 4, just take a few deep breaths and—

He never finished his thought, because round the corner came Doctor Sharp.

“Finally! It’s about bloody time somebody showed up!” Wally called. Nigel raised his head, frowning through his cracked and blood smeared visor. “Well, well, well, if it isn’t Dr. Sharp. If you don’t mind, Doctor, me and Number 4 here were having a bit of a sparring session. You know how it is, you're a sportsman.”

Doctor Sharp had taken cover behind a tree root and was about to send Nigel to Tranqland. “Ah, a good sparring match. Phenomenal exercise, capital way to spend an afternoon! However I do believe you three boys have been playing a tad too rough.”

“Three?” Nigel and Wally said in unison.

“I found your friend Number 2 a ways back, poor boy took a nasty bump on the head.” Doctor Sharp stood up and turned around to reveal Number 2 strapped to his back. “If you two want to finish this, be my guest. However, it is my professional medical opinion that you two need to be patched up before you go back to it. I take it that the Galactic service and that dreadful organization that my brother is working with have given you means to tend to your injuries?”

Nigel nodded, looking down at the Treehouses’ floor when Chester was brought up.

“Splendid! Now if you would be so kind as to allow Number 4 to get up and come to me, without your interference, then I dare say you two may resume your fight in, oh, say, five minutes?”

“Ten.” Number 1 said flatly.

Both boxers limped away to their corners: Wally to Sharp, and Nigel to another overgrown root.

“Yeow!” Number 4 yelped as Doctor Sharp finished giving him a shot.

“Usually, I’d say that this is a bad idea, but given the circ*mstances I feel like you need it.”

“What’d you stick me with?” Number 4 said, rubbing his arm.

“Just a little something to perk you up. It should give you some energy, but it won’t actually heal you. In fact, I’d dare say that you should be very mindful for the next twelve hours. Pain exists for a reason, it’s your body’s way of telling you to stop.”

Wally was already starting to feel better. Now he felt like he could bulldoze all over Number 1. “Thanks!” Number 4 said, cracking his knuckles. He was about to run off and tackle his enemy, but Dr. Sharp gently caught his arm. “You know, Nigel probably has a very similar medication for just such an emergency.” He frowned the frown of an adult who was holding something back. “What do you think, Number 2? Have any words of encouragement?”

“Guinea pigs…” Number 2 said weakly.

Wally got what was going on here. “No.” Wally said firmly, “I can’t. Number 1 and I have unfinished business, I have to—“

”Hang honor, Number 4. There are lives at stake.” Doctor Sharp said, glaring at Number 4; Number 4 glared right back.

Nigel applied the ointment from the Galactic Kids Next Door standard issue first aid kit to the cut above his eye. It burned worse than any Indian burn a teenager could give, but the burn soon turned to a wonderful crisp minty smelling coolness. He then put a little on his elbow, and a bit on both his knees. Other parts of him were bleeding, but he didn’t have time. Instead, he put the Galactic first aid kit back in his pocket and took out another kit, a little teal bag with the words “Proactive Citizenry” stitched neatly on it. He rummaged through the bag, pushing aside bandaids, epipens, and a tube of an ointment similar to the one he had just used (although downright primitive compared to the cream that the Galactic Kids Next Door had) until at last he found what he was looking for. Taking a few of the green and white capsules from a little pill bottle, Nigel dry swallowed them with a grimace.

These things taste worse than one of Grandma Stuffum’s culinary monstrosities, Nigel thought; but they did the trick, and Nigel felt like he had more energy than if he had just downed two tankers of Candy Pirate sugar.

“Ready?” Nigel called from his corner.

By that time, Wally had the jitters and his pulse pounded in his ears. “Crikey, Doctor Sharp? What’d you give me?”

“Something that’s illegal in Antarctica and Florida.” Doctor Sharp looked down at the floor, a little guilty. “I don’t envy the headache you’ll have tomorrow, but at this point I fear we have very little choice. I apologize in advance.”

Doctor Sharp looked down at Wally, whose nodding looked like he had just drunk twelve cups of coffee, and whose shaking sounded like an angry hornets nest.

“Ready!” Doctor Sharp called back to Nigel, “Good luck Number 4, I have complete confidence in you.”

“Number 4!” Hoagie called weakly. “Remember… remember…”

But his words were drowned out by the battle.

Nigel and Wally charged at each other, the injuries they had sustained in the last fifteen minutes forgotten. They didn’t mind the sore knees or the aching ribs anymore. None of that mattered except the moment, and Nigel knew exactly what he was going to do.

At the beginning of the fight, Wally made a smart move. He went lower than Nigel and went for his legs. Nigel thought he must have taken a hard knock to the head, because now Number 4 was giving him an easy opening.

He’s going to kick my head! He’s running straight at me, it’s the biggest dumbest, most telegraphed kick I’ve ever seen in my entire life. Brave Wally, stupid but brave.

And Nigel went low, aiming to grab the smaller boy out of mid flight, hurl him to the ground and start, as Wally would have put it, “pounding the crud out of him.”

Nigel reached out his hands, expecting to feel Wally’s sneakers, but felt a brief cutting in the air as Wally jumped clean over him. Nigel skidded to a halt, in shock. Looking back over his shoulder, Nigel saw Wally run and run, and keep on running. And then he felt another rush of air, this time near his right foot. Doctor Sharp had fired a tranq dart.

“New toy, Nigel. Not as fancy as the vaccination rifles we’ve used in our game, but marvelously streamlined!”

Nigel barely had time to duck for cover as a shower of tranq darts flew his way, fuming at the doctor’s jovial chuckles.

“Drat! I missed, but you know how our games go, Nigel. You always run, you always hide, but at the end of the day you always take your shots, always.”

Nigel was furious. Wally and Nigel had fought rough and dirty, but that was the name of the game, it was an honorably dirty fight. Now Wally, a Kids Next Door Operative, had just let an adult fight his battle for him.

“Not today Sharp, not today.” Number 1 took out his S.P.I.C.E.R and began to fire on Doctor Sharp, and although the pills he gulped down had given him the jitters and he couldn’t hold the gun straight, Nigel was still able to lay down a very good rate of fire. “Number 4! You’re a coward! A tattle-tale Teenager loving coward!”

Wallabee Beatles had been with Sector V for a very long time. He’d known Nigel Uno since Kindergarten, and ever since the two boys knew each other, Nigel had often complimented Wally on his bravery and courage. Hearing the taller boy call him a coward hurt Wally in ways that he didn’t want to admit it did.

That fight and that shot really did a number on me, I’m sweating everywhere, even out of my eyes…

Wally wiped his eyes. No time for sweating. There are 3 thousand little furballs in trouble. I don’t have time to sweat.

Chapter 44: Abby

Chapter Text

Number 5 stood on the bridge with her hands shaking in her pockets. Nothing had gone according to plan tonight.

Number 1 was back, and he was angry. Man, for how cold and bleak as space is, those Galactic kids must really stink at making snow cones.

But her now-former best friend and Sector Leader was a trip to the beach with Sector J compared to her bigger problem. She’d tried to contact Mr. and Mrs. Uno several times, but she never got a response. Now her Sector was scattered, beaten and bloody, and she was the only one in a position to do anything.

Every minute I stay here could mean the last for them, but if I go—

Abby shuddered at the thought. If I go that means ol’ Nigey will just waltz in here like he’d done a million times before, and once he’s here then he’ll have control of the entire treehouse and then us, and Mr. and Mrs. Uno, those Delightful Dorks and that teenager…

“Miracolina!”

In the last hour, the teenager from another world had completely disappeared from memory, but now she remembered that Number 2 gave Miracolina a radio when the treehouse was going on lockdown. Someone should really try to check in with her, right? Maybe she could even call on her for emergency backup. It was better than nothing right?

Abby reached for the radio and turned its frequency to channel 13 (“Number 2 and his jokes!”) and listened to a few seconds of grueling silence before she heard a voice on the other end.

“Hello?”

But before Abby could say anything, the big metal doors at the top of the tree stump on the other side of the bridge opened with a swoosh that sounded louder than ever before.

Abby switched off the radio. Looks like vacation’s come early, she thought as she whirled around to face no other than Nigel Uno.

The boy seemed to take his time making his way over to her. He gazed longingly around the bridge, no doubt thinking of a hundred different times he and his Sector had been there. Abby was doing the same, and she wished to God that it was any other of those times before Nigel left. And she guessed correctly that Nigel wished so too.

“Sure brings back memories, don’t it, Number 1?”

“Yeah… it does.”

Abby walked away from the control panels and onto the stage. “It doesn’t have to be this way, Number 1. We’re your friends. Please, let us help you!”

Nigel stood at the base of the stairs now, looking sadly at Abby as she pleaded. “No, let me help you, Number 5.”

Number 1 mounted the short flight of stairs to the stage and the two now stood on opposite sides, glaring at each other. For the first time since he’d left for space, Abby finally got a good look at Nigel. Gone were his signature glasses (all of a sudden Abby’s left pocket felt a lot heavier), replaced with a yellow visor. It had cracks all in it and as soon as she saw the cracks she noticed the swelling and bruises all on his face, Abby smiled in spite of herself, knowing that Number 4 did his job.

Nigel didn’t find it as funny as she did. “When I left, I told you to look after the guys. Is this how you look after them, Number 5? Get them involved in a situation that doesn’t concern them? Get them to go against direct orders from Moonbase? You’re going to get them and yourself killed, but I’m not going to let that happen.“

Nigel stepped down from the stage. “Effective immediately, you are relieved of duty.”

He walked over to the main control panel for the whole Treehouse. After a few keystrokes a small kiosk emerged where he could put his booger. As Nigel was digging for gold, he heard Abby whistle. Turning around, Number 1 saw her standing on the stage twirling his sunglasses in her hand. “If you want the treehouse back, it’s all yours, but Number 5 says you have to take these back first.”

Number 1 hesitated. For a minute; he thought about putting his booger in right away and putting an end to all of this…

But the way Abby held those sunglasses, and the smug look on her face… He just had to fight her, he had to. Both children took their spots on opposite sides of the stage. Abby stood on the left, Nigel on the right.

“Ready?” Abby called.

“On the count of three,” Nigel said.

“No!” Abby said, smiling, “On the count of five: Backwards.”

A ghost of a smile played on Number 1’s face. “Alright then, Abby, you start.”

“ Five!” Abby said,
“ Four!” Nigel said with a slight grimace.
“ Three, two!” Abby sounded off.
“ One.” Nigel said flatly, and the fight was on.

Both operatives circled each other looking for an opening. Abby was good in a fight, but the scrapping, scratching and biting of Number 4 was the last thing she wanted to recreate. It wasn’t her style, so she would throw out a well-timed kick or throw a punch at a perceived weakness instead.

Nigel countered expertly, almost mirroring Abby’s attack. Abby and Nigel had been operatives together ever since their cadet days. They knew the other one's moves, knew exactly what the other was going to do before they did it. Both were playing the long game, waiting for the other one to slip up.

“It appears that your sister is rubbing off on you, Number 5,” Nigel taunted, punching with his left arm and following up with his right. Abby blocked the left with her arm then let the right punch come inches from hitting her before ducking down and going for a leg sweep. Nigel barely avoided it, jumping high into the air and landing just out of Abby’s range.

“I was thinking the same thing about you,” Number 5 said, “Being Father’s lapdog, working for evil adults, plotting to take down the Kids Next Door—”

“Being a Kids Next Door operative is complicated. You should know that by now, Number 5.” Nigel snarled, advancing towards Number 5 again. He ran at her, trying to feint her into doing something stupid, but she held her ground, so Nigel backed up and the two continued circling.

“Complicated how? LikeHarvesting kids organs complicated? You know that Number 362’s gone missing, right?”

Nigel said nothing to this, but his slight flinch didn’t go unnoticed to Abby. “You know something, don’t you?“

Every ounce of Number 5 wanted to charge Number 1, to attack, but her sister's advice kept her steady, it was lesson Number 1 when when Cree had first taught Abby how to fight: Never attack in anger, it was good advice and now Abby followed it. If Nigel was hoping that she would do something rash, he would be sorely disappointed.

“Where is she?” Number 5 demanded, but Nigel lightly shook his head. And his voice became very airy and distant as he spoke.

“It was her decision to be tithed. I had nothing to do with it. She wanted to keep serving the Kids Next Door after she turned 13… very noble of her.”

“Some Kids Next Door operatives choose candy piracy as their next career move and some choose other things. I’m going to keep helping other kids even when I’m… not exactly Number 362 anymore.”

“Where is she?!” Number 5 snarled. She wanted to charge him, wanted to go sprinting head long and beat this bald monster who had replaced the best operative on the planet, but again her sister's voice came back to her.

Number 5’s been hearing too much of her pimply, traitor teenage sister lately.

Nigel must have been reading her mind because what he said next chilled her to her very core. “Which will it be, Abby? Teen Ninja or Candy Pirate?”

“What are you talking-”

Abby tried to bluff her way around it, but the eyeless visor seemed to be staring directly into her soul, and she couldn’t even try to deny it.

“Think Number 5 Did you really not think that the Kids Next Door has eyes and ears everywhere? Really, Abby. What were you thinking?”

Abby felt the sting of tears and tried to fight them. “I grieved for you, Number 1, we all did!”

“Is that really your excuse? I trusted you to take care of the guys! Is this your idea of being a good Sector Leader, Number 5? Going to the Candy Bar and slinking around with Cree?”

Abby was stuck to the floor deeper than the treehouse’s roots. She felt ashamed. Nigel was right. He’d given her the glasses, given her the Sector… he trusted her… And she blew it.

Before Abby could speak, Nigel was on top of her and hit her square in the chest. As she went flying, Nigel’s glasses came out of her pocket and landed at Nigel’s feet. He walked over to the glasses and picked them up. Smiling a quiet smile to himself, Nigel raised the visor that was badly cracked from his fight with Wally, and once again put his glasses on.

“Much better, Number 5.” Nigel said, ignoring Number 5’s groans of pain.

He knelt down beside her and reached out his hand. “It’s going to be okay, Abby. I’m here now. It doesn’t matter what you did, it can all disappear.”

“Like 362?” Abby said weakly. Nigel, though visibly unnerved, continued. “As I was saying, Number 5, it’s alright. It doesn’t matter now. I’m back, all can be forgiven if you just let me help you. Don’t you remember how it was back in the old days? All you had to do was to listen to me and I would get you and the guys out of any situation we were in. The Galactic Kids Next Door chose me for a reason, I’m the best.”

Abby looked at her watch, and slowly, ever so slowly got back to her feet. She laughed.

“Number 1, what made you the best operative on the planet is that you cared about your team. You cared more about us than any regulations or rules, more than any mission. You can stand there and tell me different, but you and I both know that you be lying.”

A smile played on Abby’s face, and now it was Nigel’s turn to look down. “Abby, I do care but—”

“But sometimes you forget, and sometimes you have to be reminded of what made you so great to begin with.”

Abby whistled, and at that moment the main door to the Bridge opened and there stood Number 4, bruised and battered, filing behind him hundreds upon hundreds of guinea pigs. Number 2 emerged from the lower levels of the treehouse, a bandage wrapped around his head, in his hands a remote control for the bridges security system. Out of the window came a loud roar and it was then that Nigel saw what modifications Kuki had made to Hippie-Hop, who was now a flying bunny rabbit and with one swoop of his metallic claws broke the big windows. The big yellow eyes seemed to stare directly into Nigel Uno’s soul. He took off the the sunglasses in disbelief, and they dropped from his hand.

“Kids Next Door!” Abby called out, “Battle stations!”

They all came at him at once. Number 2 pressed a button on his remote that made the bridge’s defense grid target his snoot signature. Nigel dipped and dogged and jumped, but he tumbled right into the rage of the now-flying Hippie-Hop, who swatted him down hard. The Guinea pigs were waiting with pencil spears and rulers. The beating was over in less of a minute, but by the end Nigel laid in a heap on the wooden floor. Sector V approached their fallen leader tentatively. Number 3, who had ejected from Hippie-Hop (even after all her tinkering, she still couldn’t figure out how to get out without ejecting) and placed a green-sleeved hand to Nigel’s neck. Much to everyone’s surprise, Nigel raised his head for a moment. “I’m… So… Proud.” Then he was out again.

“Now what are we going to do?” Number 4 asked. As if to anwer Wally’s question, a great crash sounded beneath their feet. The smell of burning wood and leaves hung thick in the air.

“What do you think?” Abby asked almost sadly. But there was no time to hesitate now. “Number 3, get Doctor Sharp.”

The doctor had been waiting with Number 4’s army. He was there in a second with Kuki pulling on his sleeve. “Reporting for duty, sir!”

“Watch him.“ Number 5 pointed to Nigel, who was groaning. “Treat him and make sure he doesn’t follow us.” Doctor Sharp saluted crisply.

“Come on guys, we have work to do. Number 2, do you have the ice cream blasters?”

“Waiting at the entrance to the Secret Treehouse.“

“Number 4, Number 3, do the guinea pigs know where to go?” Number 3 nodded. “Number 4, dismiss them.”

Wally pointed to the Guinea pig exit. “Go on you little buggers, scram, get out of here, go on. You know where to go, and make sure to pee on Number 3’s dad’s pillow!”

Number 3 swatted Number 4’s head with the loose end of her sweater sleeve. Abby was about to tell the two to stop bickering and to get going when she saw something. Nigel’s sunglasses had miraculously not been trampled. Bending down, Abby took them from the ground and placed them on her hat.

“Come on guys let's go!” Number 5 called. “Yeah, we better get going,” Number 2 said, “things are really starting to heat up around here.”

Abby groaned, and with that Sector V and the guinea pigs began to leave the bridge. Being Sector Leader, Abby was the last to leave. “You know how to get out of here?” she called back to Doctor Sharp.

“Young lady, I was with his Father when we first built this treehouse, I could travel the length blindfolded.”

Abby nodded. “You sure he’s gonna be okay?”

Dr. Sharp, who was bent over Nigel putting the finishing touches on a suture, smiled. “He’ll be right as rain. Don’t you worry about Number 1, this is nothing compared to when he got into that fight with those high schoolers when he was a kindergartener.

“Sounds like Number 1, alright.” Abby smiled and was turning to walk out, but before she did, she had one last thing left to do. She walked up to Nigel and whispered, “Oh, and Number 1, welcome back.”

Chapter 45: The Beginning Of The End

Chapter Text

Benedict was not having a good time.

Despite his hellish powers, his brother still held the upper hand. Monty dipped and dodged and dove with infuriatingly graceful ease, and the elder Uno brother didn’t just float like a butterfly, he also stung like a bee. Every now and again, Monty would dodge an attack and go in for a quick punch through the fire! Monty would punch his younger brother even as Father was surrounded by fire.

He feels no pain! Benedict thought with not so much fury, but with bitter resentment. Of course he feels no pain, of course HE doesn’t, Monty’s brave, he’s Pappy’s favorite, and he feels no pain; typical Monty. Benedict launched another fireball at Monty, who narrowly ducked under it.

The fireball crashed into the wall of the Secret Treehouse, setting it alight. Although Monty Uno could withstand Father’s heat, the Treehouse couldn’t—well, it could, but not as well as Monty. When Monty had been Supreme leader of the Kids Next Door, this very treehouse had served as Kids Next Door’s global headquarters for a time, and when Benedict began to travel the path to becoming an adult supervillain, Monty made sure that this treehouse was fireproofed against Father’s powers as much as possible. The paint was only used in the original section of the treehouse, but it was doing its job and keeping the fire contained.

Still, though, it wasn’t perfect and it was beginning to show. Several patches on the walls were ablaze and the air was beginning to choke with thick black smoke. Monty let out a cough— not a very long or particularly deep cough, but it was a cough.

“So he needs to breathe after all,” Father sneered, hateful triumph dripping from each word. “Me and Pappy always told you you should have taken up smoking, Monty. But no! You were too good for it!”

At first Abby thought it was her imagination; The trip to the entrance to the Secret Treehouse was just taking longer because she was worried about Nigel’s parents, Miracolina and —though she would never admit it to herself— the Delightful Children. But as it turned out, it wasn’t her imagination at all, because the further down the tree Sector V descended, the smokier and smokier it became. On the bridge, the wretched black smoke was visible from the big windows, and little bits of it came up through the vents. They were only two levels down from the bridge and they could already feel Father’s heat. On the level right beneath them, the smoke was like a black cloud of death that sucked out the oxygen, replacing it with a cloud as black as coal and so thick it was hard for the team to see three inches in front of their face, let alone breathe. Number 2 and 3 opened windows, which offered a little relief, but not enough and soon the four were gasping for breath.

“Come on guys, just a couple more floors !” Abby wheezed, opening another window. She stuck her head out, taking in a couple of breaths of sweet, wonderful, cool night air.

“Number 5?” Number 2 coughed, “I don’t think we can keep this up.”

“We’ve got to, Number 2,” Number 5 said, “Every minute we’re here, means another minute that Number 1’s Mom and Dad are trapped in this too.”

“Number 5?“ Number 4 called out distantly. For a moment Number 5 was freaking out because she was sure that either she or Number 4 was fading out due to smoke poisoning; to her relief, when she looked over she merely saw Number 4 —side by side with Number 3— sticking his head out the window like the rest of the sector.

“Yes, Number 4.” Abby said, relieved.

“Fire Suits and oxygen, remember, when you guys went into Number 3’s house last August?”

Not enough time, Abby thought and she was about to say it when the memory of how she almost left the Delightful Children behind. We should have, too, she thought. But she knew deep down that she’d made the right call then, and she knew Wally was making the right call now.

“When I left, I told you to look after the guys. Is this how you look after them?”

Having them suffocating is a real great way of taking care of your team, Number 5. Abby thought bitterly. I should have known Father would have smoked the place up when he came barging in here, what were you thinking about girl?

Abby sighed.

“Number 5?” Number 4 asked again.

“Yeah, right… Fire gear, great idea Number 4! Can you guys make it back up to the bridge level ?” She heard groans and saw turned to see the others nodding, all four of them with their their heads out a window. “Alright then, you guys go on, Number 5 will follow as soon as you guys are clear!”

During the team's evacuation back up the stairs, Abby maintained the same cool and collected demeanor she’d always had, but inside she was panicking. Sector V was late to the party as is, they’d only been dealing with this smoke for what? Fifteen minutes? The Unos, Miracolina and the Delightful Dorks had been in the Treehouses' roots for an hour at least. As she made her way up stairs, she was glad she had listens to Wally, the grim, coldblooded, calculated truth began to set in.

At worst, eight people were dead. Why make it twelve?

Monty was having a harder time than he was letting on. Every time Monty punched Benedict, it was like sticking his hand in a hot furnace, and although Monty had learned breathing techniques to deal with such an eventuality, even he had his limits.

Now the pain and the smoke were both so bad that Monty was now seeing six Fathers. Or maybe (just like Abby) it wasn’t his imagination at all, because just as Monty was beginning to rub his eyes, six fireballs came shooting at him. Now Monty knew for sure there were six Fathers because he felt all six balls of heat as he narrowly dodged them. Father had self-replicated; and now there were six Fathers, dancing around the Treehouse, shooting fireballs, and mocking him all in unison.

“What’s wrong, Monty? Can’t handle a couple more siblings? Don’t worry, I'm sure you’ll still be Pappy’s favorite even after being cooked well done!”

And the six Fathers laughed and laughed, and there weren’t just six anymore, there were sixty of them! As Monty raced to dodge the storm of fire and brimstone, his mind raced to try to remember all the enemies who he had fought who could duplicate themselves like this. He knew that Pappy could do it, but Monty never had to deal with him like this. As he was almost incinerated by a scarily well placed fireball that almost scorched his privates, the answer came to him.

Colonel Chamberpot! Monty shuddered and gave a small smile at the memory of his old nemesis who had the power to control chamber pots, and create monsters that were made out of …excrement. Doesn’t he have a grandson running around? Monty shuddered again, and charged straight for the Father clones. If Colonel Chamberpot does have a grandson, lord help us all. The Good Colonel gave us a time to rival Pappy!

He punched the first clone and it disappeared into a cloud of smoke. It burnt, but not as bad as punching the real Father, just like putting out a candle. But as soon as he took that one down, a dozen more sprang up in its place.

“Come on Ben! Don’t tell me you aren’t really going to hide behind these clones of yours, are you?” Monty said, panting slightly.

He felt something hot on his shoulder and saw that his left sleeve had caught fire. Thinking fast, Monty got on the flour and rolled himself into a cluster of Father clones. They instantly disappeared, but once again, it seemed that a dozen more were waiting. The new Fathers launched their fireballs at Monty and laughed simultaneously. Monty needed help and fast.

“Ready?” Abby called to her team and they all gave quick nods, “Alright then let's get -”

Just then, Number 5’s wrist began to buzz. “Doctor Sharp.” Number 5 answered, “ Doctor Sharp?”

“Number 5, aw yes, I do believe we have a bit of an emergency.”

Number 5 looked around at the others, all of them geared up to literally go down to the oldest and possibly most sacred place in the history of the Kids Next Door and fight a dragon, who had invaded their treehouse, and set their former Sector Leader and best friend to break into the treehouse, and on top of all that they still had to deal with a transuniversal conspiracy to try and harvest kids' organs.

“You don’t say?” Number 5 said tiredly.

“Well yes, well, something to add to our miseries I suppose. You see—”

“Number 1?” Abby asked with panic in her voice. If that boy got loose, not only will we have to fight Father, but also a kid who knows this treehouse better than anyone else.

“Good heavens, no! Nigel is right here beside me, snug as a bug!” Abby’s entire sector took a sigh of relief, herself included. “However, it does appear that someone called for reinforcements. Does the codename Number 86 ring a bell?”

“Yes.” Abby said with fists clenched. “Did she bring any friends?”

“Three G.O.G.E.T.T.E.R’s, and eight mechanical Doo Doo Birds.” Doctor Sharp replied brightly, “if I remember last year’s top secret Moonbase reports, I believe it’s the entire decommissioning squad.”

Wally gulped.

“What did she say?” Number 5 asked, surprisingly without much fear in her voice.

“If you four, Mr and Mrs Uno and myself didn’t come down to be taken in for immediate decommissioning.-” ( Doctor Sharp did a marvelous 86 impersonation) “ Then she would come up there, kick our butts and drag us all in herself.”

“Sounds like our Fanny.” Abby said, “Did she say anything about Miracolina or the Delightful Children?”

Doctor Sharp shook his head.

“Well, we have that at least. Can you hold them?”

“Absolutely! A few of them are my patients. I’m sure I can strike a little bit of fear into them. Be safe, Number 5. I don’t want to have to give your Father any bad news.”

Abby was silent for a couple of seconds, “Number 5 will be careful, you stay safe too Sharpy and make sure Number 1 stays put! 5 out.”

“Harvey, that stinking son of—”

The brief moment of quiet was broken by Number 4 shouting every single curse word he could think of. “The little bucktooth rat sold us out!”

“We don’t know that, Number 4,” Number 5 said, although a part of her actually thought Number 4 was right.

“Why though?” Number 2 asked, “ Doesn’t he know that Global Command is helping Goactive Citizenry?”

“I think you mean proactive.” Number 3 chimed in. “Nah, Number 3, I’m pretty sure it’s Goactive.”

Abby didn’t care if it was Proactive or Goactive or anything else. What Number 2 was saying made sense. Harvey knew the score, so if he did rat, then why?

No, it wasn't him, Abby thought, he’s a pain, but he’s a smart pain, and I don’t care how angry I was if I knew my sister’s life was on the line, I’d…

“Doesn’t matter.” Abby muttered.

“What?” Number 2 said.

“I said it doesn’t matter!” Number 5 yelled, silencing the rest of Sector V. “It doesn’t matter if Harvey ratted on us, or if it's Proactive Citizenry or Slowactive Citizenry, the fact remains that outside this treehouse the entire decommissioning squad is out there, getting ready to come upstairs, and below us Number Zero is having to fight Father all by himself! We don’t have time. Now are we just going to sit up here and talk, or are we going to put a fire out?”

Number 5 led her sector down the hall and though the thick black smoke. The fire suit and oxygen mask were heavy, but she felt lighter than ever.

Chapter 46: Father VS Son

Chapter Text

Sector V descended down the old worn out stairs and into the Treehouse roots. They entered the Secret Treehouse of Coolness, gadgets blazing. Each kid was determined to if not beat Grandfather, then at least put up a good fight; but when the smoke and laser steam cleared from their first shots, all they could hear was Monty’s jolly laugh, and all they could see was Benedict Uno in the middle of the Secret Treehoues’s floor in the fetal position, crying. “Jolly good show of force, you lot!” Monty said, smiling broadly, “if Pappy was really here, then I’m quite certain you would have shown him what for!”

It took a couple of seconds for what was going on to fully dawn on Abby, and when it did, she was furious. “What the heck?!” She stamped across to Mr. Uno and said “So you’re telling me you and your wife secretly had a recording of the KND’s most evil and dangerous enemy on standby and you didn’t tell us about it?”

Monty laughed, “Must have slipped my mind. The decommissioning process is very thorough, don’t you know.”

Number 5 took off her hat and began to whack the Legendary Number Zero with it repeatedly. After a couple of whacks, Monty began to run to try to escape. Hoagie may have carried a couple of extra pounds, but Monty had the disadvantage of being at least thirty years older than Number 2, and although he ran even he could not escape the fury of Number 5’s cap.

The members of Sector V laughed hysterically, especially Number 2. “Mr. Uno! My advice is just to stop running and get it over with. She’ll run out of steam eventually!” Hoagie called out. Monty did stop, and endured a couple more painful thumps.

“Save some for me, will you Number 5?” Jenny Uno emerged from her secret hiding place followed closely by Miracolina and a moment later by the Delightful Children, who made a point to walk as far away as humanly possible from the now rather pathetic-looking Father, who laid on the floor sobbing quietly. “Don’t make me do it Pappy, please, I promise to be good, just please Pappy, don’t make me eat the broccoli.”

Abby took a deep breath, about to give Mr. Uno a piece of her mind and tell him that he had scared her and her team half to death. She wanted to tell him that even though he was Number Zero, this was still her Treehouse and she was in charge.

But no, like a heavy piano, the whole weight of the day came crashing across her and her entire Sector all at once. Number 1 was in their hands, Number 86 and the entire decommissioning Squad were taken care of, and they finally had Father defeated. All at once the entire party, (yes, even the Delightful Children) were overcome with the most mirthful and wonderful joy. They danced and laughed and cried and cheered. Wally pounded his chest like Tarzan while Kuki swept him up into her arms, Mr. and Mrs. Uno danced, Hoagie and Abby were on the floor laughing and crying, and even Miracolina found it in her heart to dance with the Delightful Children. To an outsider it would have looked like the lot of them had gone crazy, but there were no outsiders to speak of… except a little bald boy who appeared at them from a little ways up the stairs. The party was so happy and so caught up in relief that they didn’t hear the little bald boy’s watch chime quietly as Roberta called him, nor did they hear the orders she gave him.

At last Abby was finally able to restore order. “Kids Next Door!” She called proudly. The others (even the Delightful Children) became silent. “Great job,” Abby smiled slyly. “All in all, not too shabby.”

“What about him?” Number 4 asked, pointing to Father. Everyone turned to look at the huddled mess of a man that sat cradling himself.

Abby smiled. “We put him,” she said pointing to Father, “into cold storage. Number 5 thinks the Ice Cream freezer should do nicely, don’t you Number 2?”

Hoagie smiled broadly, “Yeah, the Ice Cream freezer should be a nice place for Father to go chill out, don’t you think, Number 5?”

Abby allowed herself to smile at this pun, why not? They had just beaten Father.

Plenty of Rocky Road in there for you Ben!” Monty called towards his brother. Jenny lightly tugged his ear reproachfully.

“And after that?” This question came from Miracolina.

“After that…” Abby said softly. For a moment she seemed uncertain. She really didn’t expect everything to have gone this well. Now she was standing on top of the greatest feet of her career.

Abby was stunned, but she quickly got over it. “After that,” Abby said, “we get some footage of Father in the freezer and post it all over The Kids Next Door network. Number 2?”

Number 2 came smartly to attention.

“Can you hack the signal of the Kids Next Door News network so everyone can see that we have Father?”

He saluted crisply. “Yes sir, it may take a couple of hours, but I can have the entire Kids Next Door making a run on Lime Ricky’s by noon today.”

“Good. After we let it be known that we have Father, Number 5 thinks that we should be able to get to the bottom of all this unwinding business.”

I can’t believe it, this is all going to work out, this is all going to work out! Better than ‘just work out’ things may have actually turned out for the better, we’ll all be accepted into the Teens Next Door for sure!

Finally, all was right with the world.

Then the Delightful Children began to scream. All at once, the others turned to see what the Delightful Children were screaming about. The anwer wasn’t obvious at first, for they were not staring at Father but across the room towards the stairs. looking to see what they were staring at, the rest of the kids saw him. Number One.

Nigel came down the stairs slowly, step by step, the old stairs seeming to sing an opera with every step the little bald boy took down. After twelve songs, Nigel stood at the bottom of the stairs and looked at his former teammates, enemies, parents and one out of place teenager. His visor (which had previously been broken by Wally) was now good as new, and so was his red hoodie. He said not a word, but did something that nearly made Miracolina jump out of her skin.

He began to clap. It was a slow steady, methodical clap, and each time Nigel brought his palms together Miracolina almost had a heart attack. Without thinking, Number One’s Mom and Dad ran up to him and threw their arms around him. Miracolina’s heart skipped the largest beat yet as Nigel’s parents both scooped him up into a bear hug, but it soon became apparent to her that Nigel was not here to blow himself and the others to kingdom come.

But even still, Miracolina couldn’t get the image of a clapper out of her head. The small boy clapping reminded her so much of Lev, and his parents embracing him; Lev’s parents rejected him when he decided that he rather blow himself up then give himself to God as a human sacrifice. Would Nigel’s parents ever reject him?

Miracolina decided no, and to be honest, she was a little jealous. Her folks loved her an awful lot, but in all her lived days, Miracolina Roselli had never met a boy who had parents who loved him as much as Nigel Uno.

“Son.” Monty said, squeezing Number 1.“Nigel.” Jenny said, kissing the boy’s bald head.

“ Mom, Dad…” Nigel whispered, he wanted to say something, wanted to complete his mission. Standing here and letting these adults hug and squeeze and kiss him went against everything he had been taught for the last three months at Galactic Headquarters, but he couldn’t help it. They were his parents, and despite what he was about to do, he loved them, and the worst part of this was that when this was all over he would still love them, and worst of all they would still love him too.

Weakness, Nigel thought, stupid human weakness.

“We’ve missed you so much, Nigel dear,” Jenny said, doing her best to hold back her tears. “We’ve kept a stiff upper lip, just as we promised.” Monty said, weeping openly.

“I’ve missed you guys too,” Nigel said, feeling the tears spill past his visor. (Weakness.) Nigel was about to speak to get things going, to do what he was assigned to do. Rip the bandaid off quickly, Nigel told himself, but just as he was about to speak, his Dad told him “It’s quite alright, Number 1, you don’t have to say or do anything. All that matters is that you know that we love you and we’ll always be here for you.”

Nigel said nothing, and seemed to bury himself in his parents loving embrace. The other members of Sector V just stood there watching the tender moment, time seemed to stand still, and all was right with the world, until Father burst out in a fiery rage.

“Well isn’t this so sweet, a big old family reunion!”

No sooner did Father speak than the The Delightful Children, who were celebrating their Father’s defeat mere moments ago, now standing two steps behind him giggling like maniacs.

“You rotten creeps!” Wally screamed. He would have bounded towards the Delightful Children to kick their butts, but Hoagie, Kuki and Miracolina held him back. Lucky too, because Father was in a creative mood. With one grand motion, a ring of blue fire formed in the Secret Treehouse, The Unos in the middle, the others on the outside of it.

“We save your cruddy butts from being gutted like fish, and this is how you repay us!” Despite the blue fire, Wally was willing to be burnt in order to give the Delightful Children a piece of his mind as well as his fist, but just as he was about to break free of the two other kids and one teenager, Number 5 called out, “Number 4!”

Wally looked up into Abby’s eyes, both of them staring at each other for a solid minute. Abby’s eyes said it was your idea bringing the Delightful Creeps down here, this is your fault! Wally’s rage quickly turned into quivering shame, but so did Abby’s as she hid her eyes with her hat and clasped her hands behind her back and said something to soften the blow. “We’re the Kids Next Door, we help kids, it's our job. If it bites us in the butt later, well that’s part of the job, no use getting bent out of shape about it.” Try telling that to your own self, Number 5, Abby thought bitterly.

Number 1, for his part, was utterly disgusted with the Delightful Children (even more so than usual, and that was saying something). He balled his fist and choked back something nasty he wanted to say to them. Under normal circ*mstances, he would have. However, right now Galactic Command was allied with Proactive Citizenry, and Proactive Citizenry with Father, for the greater good. Nigel told himself, then a thin smile began to spread across his face.

Instead a tall, thick pillar of orange flame stood amid the sea of blue, Nigel followed the pillar of orange with his eyes up, and up at last on top of the pillar of fire sat a throne, where Father sat and the Delightful Children stood beside. “What do you think Monty? Hottest seats in the house, am I right?” The Delightful Children laughed at their Father’s joke. (So did Number 2, until Abby elbowed him in the ribs.) “I think we’re going to play a little game, Monty. It’s called: Father says. It’s really easy, I, Father, that’s me; is going to give old Number 1 over there an order, if he doesn’t follow it-” Father stretched luxuriously, “then I’ll let you go, me and my Delightful Children, will leave this treehouse, but if he does-” Father yawned, his sulfur eyes bright with sidious delight. “Then we’ll see what happens. Kids? You want to give Uncle Monty an example?”

The Delightful Children began to laugh. “Father says roll over!” They all said in unison, and, just like a dog, Nigel obeyed. “Father says chase your big butt like a dog!” Again Nigel complied. Nigel’s parents, his friends and Miracolina, watched in mute horror. “Father says play dead.” Nigel got on the floor, still and stiff as the dead. The Delightful Children cackled, “My oh my, it’s just like in our dreams! Father, can we make Nigel stay like this, please, oh please, oh please!—”

“Shut up!” Father roared, the flames of his anger licking the roof, then as cool and collected as a cucumber, he said, “I haven’t forgotten about you kids blasting me with an ice cream gun and running off. You better mind your manners.”

Nigel punched and kicked and advanced while Monty dodged and evaded. Once, Nigel was able to land a punch, clocking Monty square in the mouth. A trickle of blood began to dribble from Monty’s lips. “Impressive, Nigel. Most impressive.” Monty smiled a weary smile, and backed away as Nigel swung his fist again.

“Come on!” Father shouted, “Hit him Monty! Hit him!”

Nigel thought this fight was going nowhere. Outside of the first punch, Monty had made no attempt to go on the offensive. He just dodged and ducked, and danced. I’m thirty years younger than him and at least a good hundred pounds lighter. He’s still running circles around me!

“Is that all you got Nigel ol’ boy?” Monty asked. Nigel began to pant. The medicine he’d taken when he fought Number 4 was beginning to wear up and the worst places where Wally got him were beginning to whimper again, soon those whimpers would become screams. He doesn’t even have to win, all he has to do is wait until I’m in so much pain I can’t even see straight, Nigel thought bitterly. And then what? If I fail my mission, what will Father do then? Before Nigel could answer his own question, the sensors in his visor sensed movement behind him. Just the guys trying to get a better view, but no. Nigel could feel something stalking behind him, he didn’t need the fancy sensors in his visor to tell him that, his instincts were more than capable of that. And just as the thing pounced, Nigel dodged his mother. Jenny Uno. The last Nigel saw of her was her lying on the floor crying, but she was now up and about looking quite clear eyed and trying to tackle him.

“Two on one, that’s not fair?” “Who said life was fair?” Monty said, “Really, Old Bean, you should just stop all this nonsense and surrender, it’s the right thing to do, really.” Nigel did something he never would have thought he would have ever had to do: He looked up at the throne of fire, to Father.

“Me? What do you want me to do about them? I told you once, Nigie, put your stupid Mom’s head in the blue fire and scorch her face off! Same thing for your no-good stinking Dad!” Nigel narrowly avoided being sandwiched between his parents.

“This mission’s getting worse all the time.” Nigel said under his breath.

Sector V and Miracolina were not idle as The Uno Family started around round one million of the Uno Family Civil War. First they sprinted the entire permeriter of blue fire seeing if there was some chance that it could find a weak spot that they could jump and enter into the fray. No gap existed, but Number 4 wasn’t going to let that stop him. “We’re wearing these cruddy Firesuits aren’t we?” Wally asked, “why don’t we just walk through it and end this mess?” Before he could hear an answer Wally took a step towards the flames, but he was quickly pulled back by Abby. “What are you doing, you fool? These Firesuits are good, but they ain’t meant for this!” “Don’t you mean not suited for this, Number 5? Get it? Suited?” Number 2 grinned, everyone else groaned. “Alright then genius, let's see if you’re suited for anything else besides making lame puns.” “Well we could… Uh..” “I got an idea.” Miracolina said, seizing Hoagie’s ice cream blaster, “everyone start shooting the matchstick!” It was as good a plan as any, and soon everyone (except for Number 2) Began to unleash frozen armageddon on Father.

But Father didn’t even seem to notice.

“What now, teenager?” Hoagie said, irritated from wasting so much ammo. “Got any more ideas?”

Miracolina didn’t miss a beat. “Hit him again!” Again they took aim at Father (Number 2 had managed to retrieve a spare ice cream rifle) and again the ice cream flew, but it had no effect except to get Father’s attention. He and the Delightful Children turned around and glared. “Are you done?” Father asked calmly, but they didn’t answer him, instead they kept up the barrage. “Enough!” With one quick snap of his fingers, every single ice cream riffle melted, leaving a puddle of frozen milky mess on the dirt floor. “Now that you can’t shoot ice cream at me, sit down, shut up, and sit back as your old Sector leader bashes his parents’ brains out!” The Delightful Children began to cackle again.

“Now what do we do?” This time it was Kuki who sounded more despondent than she ever had in her entire life. Number 4, following Father’s advice turned his attention back towards the ring of blue fire. “What on Earth are you doing? Number 5 asked.

Number 1 was getting tired. The blue fire was hot and now it looked like his parents had finally decided to go on the offensive. They didn’t try to punch the wind out of him, or kick his teeth in. No, instead Nigel’s parents tried to tackle him, just like they did when he was little and was refusing to take a bath. Tackle and hold him down, and then what? Nigel looked up to the Throne of Fire to see an increasingly unsatisfied Father. If they do manage to take me down, will Father allow their victory to last long? Nigel glanced back up towards Father, who narrowed his eyes at him and clinched one of his fiery fist. A second wind seemed to fly into Nigel just then, he wasn’t just fighting for the mission anymore, no; instead, he was fighting for the very survival of his parents and sector. He had to win.

“Well done, Number 1, well done.” Father began to clap slowly gazing down at his nephew standing above his beaten parents. “ Now! Kick your Mom in the belly that carried you!”

Number 1 didn’t budge.

“What’s the matter? Are you confused? I said kick your Mom in the belly that carried your sorry bald behind. What’s the matter? Don’t you know where babies come from, or do I need to explain that to you too?”

Number 1 just stared back up at Father. “They’re beaten.”

“You didn’t have a problem with beating up Mommy a few seconds ago, what difference does it make now?”

“The difference is that we were fighting a few seconds ago. My parents are beaten, and my — my friends aren’t here anymore.” Nigel peered over the wall of blue flames, it was odd for most of the fight, the guys were watching and trying to get at Father, now they weren’t here. Nigel was a bit ashamed. You never left a teammate behind, never. Nigel wanted to believe that they were trying a last ditch effort of some kind, but he could think of nothing that they could do now. “You’ve won Father, my old Treehouse is yours, I’m not going to hurt my parents if they’re not a threat to the mission.”

“YOU'RE NOT?” Father screamed, and those blue flames were hotter and sharper than ever. Monty made an attempt to get up to protect his family, but the moment he was able to rise he fell in a heap. All was flame and fear and the dreadful laughter of Father and the Delightful Children— until it was not. Just as Father was about to do something horrible, a new trick rained down on him. Quite literally, as Sector V had found the sprinkler system.

“Sorry to rain on your parade, Father!” Number 2 called as the defenders rushed out to where the secret sprinkler system was hidden. The blue flames that formed the Uno’s arena began to flicker then fizzle out, Father and the Delightful Children had to bail out of the throne of fire as it quite literally went up in smoke. The defenders cheered and cheered, and Nigel, despite by the looks of things being on the losing side of the battle, smiled a grateful smile.

But Father wasn’t done yet, amongst all the cheering and celebrating, Father still stood and to remind everyone his presence launched a fire ball above their heads. It wasn’t the blue that he was able to shoot but a bright orange flame. “Very clever Mr. Gilligan, Ms. Sanban, Mr. Beatles, Ms. Lincoln, Ms. Roselli”! Father narrowed his eyes as he said Miracolina’s last name, and Miracolina felt like her heart just skipped a beat.

“That’s right, Miracolina, I know your last name. You have a snot nosed older brother just like me,” Father said pointing at the wounded Monty. “and two loving parents. They live in another world, I know that, I also have access to it. And guess what, girly? Me and my wifey are going to have our honeymoon there!” Father began to laugh and the Delightful Children laughedright behind him.

Chapter 47: Choices

Chapter Text

“Oh darling, why did you have to go and ruin the surprise?”

Like a snake, (which is what her hideous green dress made her look like) Roberta Griswold slithered onto the scene. With one slithering motion, she coiled herself about the Delightful Children. “You all had your Father and I worried sick.” The Delightful Children, who were sharing in their Father’s maniacal laughter quickly became disquieted at Roberta’s presence.

“Oh Benedict, my hero, my champion; you were so brave, rescuing our children, you’re my black knight in shining armor.” As Roberta showered Father with praise and a multitude of kisses to his soot black face, Number 4 turned to Miracolina and pretended to stick his finger down his throat. Despite her feeling of imminent dread, she couldn’t help but suppress a small chuckle at Number 4’s immature gesture. The laughter was contagious and soon all four members of Sector V were laughing—even their former leader, who had returned to Earth more machine than kid, couldn’t hide a small smile.

“Nigel, dear, I almost forgot; Your uncle has a present for you.”

When Roberta spoke those words, Father’s eyes were a wretched blaze of yellow glee. He knows what it is. Abby thought, then before she could finish that thought another thought came to her, a sudden thought that seemed almost too obvious.

Get them! They were all standing around listening to this woman and Father prattle on. That’s one of the first lessons they teach you at Artic Base, when a villain is monologuing, don’t get hooked on the drama, go in for the strike.

Miracolina had no Artic Base training, but she realized the situation almost as quickly as Abby and she screamed at the others, “Come on! Move! What are you doing?” Simple mathematics, seven vs three (excluding the Delightful Children, who had taken a couple of steps away from Roberta). All of them at Miracolina’s urging made a mad dash for Father, Roberta and Nigel. They almost got them… almost, but too little too late. Father saw the threat coming at the last minute and with one flick of his fingers, not a wall of blue fire but a large cage of red and orange shielded himself, Roberta, Nigel and The Delightful Children. Monty let out a roar of pain, despite his injuries and exhaustion, he was the one to make it the closest, and his prize was a right hand that was a mess of red boiling pain as his hand touched the flames. Jenny was quick to his aid and Nigel watched helplessly as his Dad laid in agony cradled in his Mother’s lap. An urge came to him in that instant to look at his teammates, but he couldn’t, his pride, or rather his shame forbade it.

“Now Nigel,” Roberta said primly. “I do believe that your Uncle Benedict has a welcome home present for you, don’t you Benedict?”

“Oh yeah,” Father said, almost nonchalantly, “ I almost forgot. Here Nigie, welcome home.” From somewhere in the black abyss of Father’s

suit, Father produced a small package, it looked almost exactly like a jewelry box, which in fact it was. Its paper was coal black and its bow red as blood. “I have to admit, it was last minute.” Father went on, “spur of the moment really, but when Roberta mentioned this to me, I knew it would be perfect.”

Number 1 was as nervous as a kid opening his presents on Christmas morning who knew good and well that he had been rotten all year. But when he opened that package, Nigel wished it were coal inside. The box held a device that he knew well. It was a piece of Kids Next Door Technology, a single ballpoint pen, jet black and the clicker at the end was a deep blood red.

“You know what it is, don’t you Number 1?” Father said silky, “One push of a button and this whole treehouse goes kablooey, doesn't it?”

Every Kids Next Door Treehouse had a self destruct pen. If ever a treehouse was doomed to be captured by an enemy, to save top secret Kids Next Door intel and to deny any enemy access to the Kids Next Door Computer Network, all a sector leader would have to do is press the button of the pen and the pen would begin setting off the Treehouses' self-destruct sequence. Not only would it destroy the Treehouse, but also the house underneath, just in case.

“Sorry about your mortgage Monty.” Father cackled, “if you’d like, you and Jenny could come over and stay the night! Ask some of your nephew’s bratty friends: The dungeon’s just wonderful, isn’t it kids?” Father looked directly at Number 5 and those eyes burned into her soul.

“Nigel,” Monty said quietly, just above a whisper, “please.” And although Monty, as injured as he was, and as quiet as his pleading was, Nigel stopped and looked at his Father. “Nigel, dear,” Jenny said, “don’t.”

“Number 1,” Abby yelled, “Don’t do this, look at yourself, look at who you're with, please! Think! We’re your friends, how many times have you trusted us, and everything has turned out alright?”

”Yeah Number 1, don’t make a cruddy mistake like this!” Wally yelled.

“You're smarter than this!” Hoagie pleaded.

“Don’t be crazy!” Shouted Number 3.

Nigel looked at his old Sector, all of them staring back at him, each one with the same pained, pleading expressions, tears were in each of their eyes. Nigel remembered the last time they were all together, crying their eyes out.

He hesitated.

“Number 1, you know your duty.” This was Roberta who Nigel turned around to face, her expression was passive, the face of a superior officer who had all the confidence in the world that her orders were going to be carried out by a trusted lieutenant. He saw Father glaring at him, and then turned to Roberta, who at seeing Nigel looking up at Father gave Father a predatory glace and a reassuring smile to Nigel. Father did not see the look that Roberta gave him, and that made the choice so much more clear to Nigel. His thumb lowered towards the clicker of the pen. “Nigel Uno!” This was an unfamiliar voice, one that he hadn’t heard before, or if he had heard it, only heard it in a dream. Looking up, Nigel found himself looking into a set of vivid green eyes that reminded him of Kuki’s. The teenager who escaped with Chad, Nigel remembered as the girl went on.

“We are all judged by the company we keep. Others judge us, God judges up, and we judge ourselves!”

Those green eyes dug a canyon into Nigel, and made him shudder in spite of himself.

“No doubt you and your organization see yourselves as two steps ahead of these two. Maybe you are, you maybe not. I don't know. But beware, Nigel Uno, those who lie with dogs lie with fleas, righteous works do not come from unrighteous works. You do what you think is right, but be warned; It will come back to haunt you Nigel Uno, I’m quite sure of that.”

Nigel rolled his eyes under his visor. Teenagers. “Kids Next Door!” Nigel called, not only addressing his Sector, but his parents too. “Goodbye!” And with that Nigel ignored the feeling in his stomach and pressed down on the pen, which made an audible click, and a deep unsettling earthshaking groan came from the Treehouses’ roots.

Chapter 48: Last Resort

Chapter Text

The vibrations that shook the Treehouse reminded Number 5 of the time when she was in the Temple of The Fourth Flavor while it collapsed. The same fear of some humongous structure collapsing on top of you, the same feeling of bitter defeat and loss of something that would never be regained; and the same five miserable, no good, evil brats who had been there to cause the calamity. As Abby and her Sector began to climb the main staircase out of the Secret Treehouse of Coolness, which like the Uno’s residence would be reduced to nothing in a few minutes (Number 50 Million B.C. would have a cow if he knew just how much history was being destroyed). They passed right by Father and his crew, who appeared to be in no hurry to get out of the collapsing treehouse and who made no attempt to harm them or hinder their flight.

Leading the way out of the Treehouse was Wally, who was no coward, but as first officer had the responsibility to guide and lead the team in emergencies such as this. He was followed closely by Kuki and then Hoagie. Quite a few paces behind them were Jenny and Mircaolina, who struggled to help Monty out of the exit of the Roots and into the Treehouse proper. Abby was standing at the threshold to the Secret Treehouse giving some help and pushing where she could. As Sector leader she would be the last one out, the captain always goes down with the Ship after all.

Just as they got Monty over, Father called out from the bottom of the stairs, “I did it Monty! I did it! I got you to hit your snot-nosed brat! And I got your snot-nosed brat to destroy that precious treehouse of his! Ain’t it wonderful, Monty? Ain’t it wonderful?”

“Mister Uno!” Number 5 pleaded. As Monty took his first step back down, she put her small hand on the man’s big shoulder. Monty was huffing and puffing, but was standing quite still. “You ain’t gonna get Nigel back like this.” Monty hesitated, but like a siren's call Father’s laughter made him curl his fist up and take another step down.

“He ain’t worth it. Come on, let's go.” Abby grabbed his hand and pulled him away from the flames.

“What’s the matter Monty? Can’t shake off a little girl to come play with me?”

“Mister Uno!” Abby yelled, “Please!”

Monty looked down at Abby, he hesitated once more but said, “Let’s go.” Abby nodded but for a second she thought all of her pleading was in vain, because Monty looked down past Father, and even seemed to be staring past his son. He was looking at the place where the Seventh Age of the Kids Next Door began, where two boys had entered seeking refuge of the most evil adult in KND history, and one of those boys stayed while the other one fled. Only this time, it wasn’t him who was staying. Shaking his head sadly, Monty Uno, The Legendary Number Zero, and Dad to the Number 1 operative on the planet, turned his head for the last time as the roof began to cave in on The Secret Treehouse of Coolness.

“The book!” Number 4 shouted over his shoulder to Number 3. “What?” Number 3 called back. The treehouse was shaking so violently that it was hard to hear anything.

“The Book of KND, wasn’t it down there?”

“What?” Number 3 called again.

Oh crud! Number 4 thought, nothing to be done for it now. No matter how high ranked he was, Wallabee Beatles would never risk his or his teammates lives for a book, no matter how important. Probably got a million of them up on Moonbase. As Wally got through processing that thought, he came to a stop in front of a wall with a single red button. Turning around, he saw Number 2 and Number 3, but nobody else.

Double crud! “Mr. Uno!” Wally shouted through the vibrations of the building, “Mrs. Uno! Number 5! Miracolina!” And although Wally called out for all his missing comrades, all Kuki heard was Miracolina.

“Ow!” Wally said as Kuki swatted the back of his head. He turned back to glare at Number 3 who looked away. “What are you looking at?” Kuki said innocently, “The whole tree house is falling apart; it was probably a tree branch.“

Wally growled and was about to snap back when Hoagie came from behind and with one swift motion pushed the red button and then pushed them forward. The Treehouse panel gave way and beyond the panel was blue sky and a long drop down to the ground that would have made the three operatives go splat if it weren’t for the giant yellow inflatable slide that popped out. The three operatives slid down the giant slide and it carried them safely (though not too terribly comfortably) to the ground. The three hit the ground with a sickening thud and the next thing Wally knew was something falling from the sky on top of him, it was soft whatever it was, and it could speak too, it said: “I love you.”

Mr. Huggykins, Wally thought morosely, as he stood up and rubbed his head his first instinct was to hit the oversized pink giggling Kitty Cat doll, but he thought better of it.

Then something else soft hit Wally’s head and he looked up to see of all things, a cruddy Rainbow Monkey. Holding it in his hand, he observed that it was wearing a parachute. “Number 3!” Wally called. Number 3, who was standing a few feet away from him, smiled. “What's this Rainbow Monkey doing with a parachute?” For a moment Wally was worried, he remembered the last thing he did was to call for Miracolina and knew he was likely to set Kuki into full Oni mode, but was relieved when he heard Kuki’s usual cheerful voice. “My stuffed friends couldn't just walk out of the treehouse, silly, so I gave them all parachutes.”

Looking up at the sky, Wally could see hundreds of soft colorful things falling from the sky, and with a shudder he realized that most of those soft colorful things were Rainbow Monkeys. “Number 2?” Wally called out, “Number 5?” He neglected to call the two adults and one teenager because Number 4 was pretty confident that Number 5 would have Nigel’s parents and Miracolina in tow with her.

“You’re one to talk, Mister Friendly Friend Rainbow Monkey Goodbye Hug. Does the name Rainbow Monkey Kong ring a bell?” Wally heard Kuki giggling, and he also felt his face go bright red. “If you two don’t mind, we’re missing four people. We still don’t know where Number 5 is, or Number 1’s parents, or Miracolina.” Number 4 didn’t see or care about the nasty look Kuki gave him as he lifted one of the giant Rainbow Monkey’s paws to help Number 2 climb out from under him. “I wouldn’t be too worried about that,” Hoagie said, lazily gesturing towards the slide that had carried them down. “That baby’s built to last.” However, just as he said that a branch from one of the upper levels of the treehouse fell with a crash, and popped the slide like a cheap dollar store balloon. And worst still, as all three of them looked up in shock at the busted slide, The Unos, Miracolina and Number 5 came into view.

Number 5’s mind did not move with her body, all she could think of was him. Monty wasn’t the only one tempted to go back down into the Treehouse— all the time Father had taunted Monty to come back down and fight him, Nigel Uno stood a couple of steps behind his new masters. Standing at attention, his face obscured by his visor, but Abigail Lincon had known Nigel long enough to know that the boy’s heart was broken.

How much time had Number 1 put into the treehouses’ defenses? How proud was he when one of the ever growing list of features he added bore fruit and proved to be useful to the team? How often had he driven Abby mad with asking her opinion on some tiny detail at the worst possible minute? How many sleepless nights did he spend strengthening the old tree till Sector V could boast that they had the finest Treehouse in the Kids Next Door? Now all of that was collapsing around them, all because of Father… no, because of me.

As she was thinking this, the leader of Sector V lost her footing. Lucky for her, she was the lightest in the group and bringing up the rear. Otherwise Monty could have fallen, and then the four of them would be in deep, deep trouble. “Come on!” Miracolina called, I see a light, a little further down the hall! We’ve almost made it.” But when they reached the end of the hall they were indeed at the end, but the emergency slide was gone.

“Holy Crud!” Wally shouted. Crud was one of Wally’s favorite words, if not his all time favorite word. Wallabee Beatles knew plenty of curse words, most of them stronger four letter words than the seemingly innocuous ‘crud’, but like Kuki’s favorite Orange Rainbow Monkey or like Hoagie’s dingy little inner tube (for the rest of their lives after today, Number 4 would say much to Number 2’s annoyance that he had built the escape slide out of the very same inner tube), Crud held a very special place in his heart. It had so many uses and was apt for so many situations, and if there was any time in young Wallabee Beatles life where the word crud was appropriate, it was here and now. His former Sector Leader’s parents, his current Sector Leader and the coolest teenager he’d ever meet were at least a hundred gabillion feet from the ground and the structure they were standing on about to cave in. Just seconds ago their only means of escape had been popped and mangled and now had so many holes in it that the yellow slide looked like a thing of swiss cheese. Crud seemed the perfect word to describe the situation.

“Number 5!” Wally called up. Abby looked down at her teammates who were now safely on the ground. “Number 4!” Abby called back, helplessly, it was all she could do, there was no way out of this, behind them death by being crushed and burned, below them a death by fall.

“Can you scale down?” Number 4 asked, knowing the fateful answer that Abby would give: “I can, but I don’t know if Mr. Uno can!” “You're going to have to try!” Wally yelled, the destruction of Sector V’s base getting louder and louder as branches snapped and timbers began to fall. Abby wanted to say something smart like “thanks genius,” but tactfully she just grunted in reluctant acceptance.

“Are we really going to try to scale down this thing?” Miracolina asked, "Got a better idea girl?” Abby said, “What about-?”Miracolina turned to see Monty Uno limping towards the edge and crouching down. “No room for invalids up here, young lady. Come on, chin up, it's really not so bad, it’s like climbing down a tree, only bigger, you’ve done that before I trust?”

Miracolina nodded and smiled impishly. As a tithe it was always important to keep your body parts in pristine condition. Climbing trees was discouraged (she remembered Lev saying that his parents would never let him have a bike and always made him play baseball with a mouth guard). But Miracolina was not like other tithes. Her parents weren’t brought up in tithing culture, and she also grew up working class. She pretty much had to act like all of the other kids in her neighborhood or risk getting her butt kicked for being a sensitive little tithe. Miracolina didn’t mind though, she always liked playing rough. She smiled and rubbed her hands together. “Course I have.”
“Then let's not waste time, I do believe we don’t have much of it left.”

Scaling down was a lot like climbing down any tree, except bigger, and more life threatening. Abby, who was 11, and the two adults who were pudgy and both pushing 50 scaled down with remarkable ease, Miracolina on the other hand was having trouble. She remembered her brother Matteo’s advice to her when their family had taken a trip to Cedar Mountain and Miracolina was terrified because she had gone on a coaster. “Don’t look down, Miracolina,” he said as their cart climbed the highest point of the coaster. Sure Matteo, not looking down is easy when you're safe inside a government inspected ride and strapped in, but this— Miracolina heard a snap and she froze, but it wasn’t her.

For a split second she was sure it was Monty. Being as old, tubby and injured as he was, Miracolina was sure he was done for; but no, instead a couple of feet above her Abby’s branch had snapped and she was free falling.

Splat! Abby thought as she fell, I’m going to go splat. Never mind all the dangerous candy adventures or the several hundred battles Number 5’s been a part of. This is it, this is how I die. Not Stickybeard, not the Delightful Children, not Nigel, not even Cree. A stupid tree branch killed me. She braced herself for the brief burst of pain that she was sure was going to greet her when her small body made its impact with the turf below.

“Crud.” Wally whispered under his breath, as he saw his sector leader falling. Hoagie and Kuki stood transfixed as Number 5 made her final descent down to earth, nothing they could do but watch. Wally thought helplessly, the seconds seemed to go on forever.

Think! During the weeks leading up to Nigel’s arrival, Doctor Sharp had several sparring sessions with Wally and in those sessions that was Doctor Sharp’s chief advice and critique for Number 4. “Your instincts are sharp as a whip Number 4, very sharp. And despite what you insist I believe you do have a keen mind, you just need to use it. A sharp mind and keen instincts are a force to be reckoned with. Take in your surroundings and then strike.”

“Observe what?” Wally said aloud, “Number 5 falling to her death, my girlfriend— I mean Number 3’s cruddy rainbow monkey’s all over the place.” Wally looked up and smiled. “Rainbow Monkeys!” Number 2 and Number 3 looked as if he had gone crazy. “Number 2, Number 3, grab that stupid giant Rainbow Monkey.” Number 3 looked up with rage in her eyes at Wally calling her Rainbow Monkeys stupid, but quickly understood, with lighting speed they picked up the heavy rainbow monkey. Wally was about to ask Number 2 if he knew where Number 5 was going to fall, but Number 2 was already moving the giant Rainbow Monkey to where he guessed Number 5 was going to land. Number 4 hoped he was right.

Number 5 said one last prayer as she saw the ground getting closer and closer. She shut her eyes tight so she wouldn’t see it coming. Then she felt the impact. It was hard, but not as hard as she would have thought. Falling to your death felt like being thrown against a giant pillow really hard.

It stung for a moment, but then there was a bounce, and it was like she was lying on top of that same giant pillow. Am I on a cloud? Number 5 opened her eyes to see Number 4 extending a hand. She looked around and groaned a groan of pain, because it felt like Cree had punched her in the ribs again. Then she managed a small smile. “Playing with Rainbow Monkeys, Number 4?”

Number 4 grinned, “I guess you could say that.” Number 5 got up slowly, wincing with the movement. Her ribs weren’t the only parts of her that were sore— her elbows and shoulders were too and as she moved she could feel the world spinning a bit.

“Easy.” Number 4 said. Number 5 nodded as she let him help her up. Abby waved to Miracolina and the Unos, who had all stopped in their descent in mute horror as Abby plummeted. She waved and shouted. “I’m fine! I’m fine! Take your time and get as far down as you can, we’ll catch you. Come on guys, let's get this thing into position!”And so it was, that the Unos and Miracolina came down alright. After scaling down a bit more bark the three jumped. First Mrs. Uno, and then Mr. Uno and Miracolina at the same time. Miracolina would later complain that Mr. Uno pulled her with him when she became reluctant, but it was a good thing, because just as Miracolina and Monty plummeted towards the ‘all so very round and supper chunky’ belly of the Sumo Smackdown Rainbow Monkey, Sector V’s Treehouse blew up.

At first Miracolina thought it was another one of the Kids Next Door’s gadgets that broke her fall, but she was surprised when she found herself face to face with a giant rainbow monkey. “How many of these things are there?” she said in mock disgust to Number 4 as he helped her down, “too many.” Number 4 said snickering. “Ahem!” Number 3 announced loudly, “if you hadn’t noticed, girly, this ‘thing’ just saved your miserable life!”

“Kuki!” Number 4 said, it was then that Kuki’s eyes went red, snd to Wally it seemed that her ears and teeth had a certain point about them.” “Be quiet you little shrimp, or I’ll…” “Number 3!” Miracolina called, Kuki turned around to face her, Wally had seemed to shrink several inches and was gulping nervously. However the danger was soon to pass, as Miracolina planted a prim kiss on the Rainbow Monkey’s nose. “I’m sorry Mr. Samurai Rainbow Monkey, that was a thoughtless and rude thing for me to say. Thank you for saving our lives.” The demon seemed to fly out of Kuki in an instant. “Well actually, he's not a samurai, he’s a Super Smackdown Rainbow Monkey and his name is Taiho.” “Ah yes, well then thank you Taiho.” Number 3 giggled, and said something about checking up on some of her other stuffed friends who were just landing before skipping off.

Wally thought he was out of trouble, (well at least for the moment), and he breathed a sigh of relief. “Way to think on your feet.”

“Gotta know your audience,” Miracolina shrugged.

Aside from Kuki, the company watched as Nigel’s treehouse burned. Doctor Sharp had arrived on scene as well, explaining that 86 and her decommissioning squad had been rerouted and wouldn’t be on scene until all of them were far away.

“Where are we going to go?” Hoagie asked quietly. The answer to Abby was obvious. “Sector W.”

Hoagie made a face and Wally, who had just come up to get a glace at the burning Treehouse, growled angrily at the idea of ever going to Harvey for help.

“I don’t think Harvey ratted us out, guys.” She was too tired to play leader right now. Her ribs hurt, and her shoulders hurt, and everything hurt, and Number 1’s glasses that she had been carrying around in her pocket suddenly felt a whole lot heavier. “Harvey loves his sister. He’s on our side, it doesn’t matter if he likes us or not. You guys have siblings too. Kuki does, Miracolina has one, I have a big sister… I think you know how it is.”

The two boys got really quiet and just as Abby was about to say something, the sound of Mrs. Uno crying became very loud and all three teammates turned to see Doctor Sharp and Mr. Uno hugging her tight. “It’s just a cruddy treehouse.” Wally said, looking down at the ground, Abby was about to go off on him then, but then she got a glimpse of Wally’s eyes in the gleam of the fire. He knew why Jenny Uno was crying, and he was fighting the urge to do so too.

“Yeah, I guess it is.” Abby smiled sadly, “but personally I think the kid who built the treehouse is more important. Don’t worry guys, we’re getting him back, even if it takes till we’re 100 years old we’re getting him back.” Eventually it was time to move on, and the party of seven slowly made their way from the burning treehouse into the gray dawn that was beginning to show itself. Forward they went, to the Treehouse of Sector W, into the unknown.

Chapter 49: Important: Incoming Transmission

Chapter Text

To the medical board of Virginia (all who it may concern),

Ladies and gentlemen, I must say that I am quite disappointed by the laissez-faire attitude that the medical board has taken over the last few months. The new surgical techniques that have been shown to me, and my colleagues, although very impressive, (with the transplant of every part of the human body, and the quick recovery time. And the new green blood that looks like anti freeze) are as far as I’m concerned, highly questionable. Such sudden and new techniques deserve a much more thorough examination in both their practicality, and most certainly their moral ramifications. The rumors surrounding the people who developed these new ways of grafting body parts are disturbing, (with all the talk of them being behind forced removal of organs from teens in Argentina, and them being behind that crazy Rainbow Monkey special). And although I seriously doubt MOST of these rumors, I think it is our duty as medical professionals to look a little deeper into what’s going on with the company everyone is suddenly throwing money at.

As I stated before, I do not believe most of the rumors going around about Proactive Citizenry, however I do read the papers and from what I read, they seemed to be heavily involved in several bills that have to do with the establishment of the latest branch of our judicial branch, The Juvenile Authority. I’m sure I’m not the only one with kids (My girls Abby and Cree are the apples of my eye) and I don’t want anyone with the Juvenile Authority anywhere near my girls. I’m sure all of you with kids feel the same way, those Juvie Cops are monsters.

I am not asking this board to completely disregard the new surgical techniques. All I am asking is that we begin to have a bit more curiosity when it comes to a company that wants to be heavily involved with everything. I’ve known must of you for years and know you will make the right decisions in regards to our health and well being and the health and well-being of our children.

Doctor Philip Lincoln, MD.

You are signed into: TOTALLY NOT THE TEEN NINJA CHAT

c4v4ller0: Who keeps changing the stupid password?

Stacy Cheers: IDK must be the new mod tightening security.

c4v4ller0:i thought RockStarSteve was in charge did something happen?

Stacy Cheers: I haven’t seen him in weeks, IRL or online. The app says the last time he was online was over a month ago. I hope he’s okay.

RainbowMonkeylover12: Last I heard he had to go to the hospital, surgery apparently, to have his tonsils out. I think.

Stacy Cheers: Does having your tonsils out take a month?

[COMMENT REMOVED]

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c4v4ller0:whats going on, who keeps deleting the comments?

[COMMENT REMOVED]

Rainbowmonkeylover12: Stop this!

StacyCheers: Wait, I think RockStarSteve is typing.

RockStarSteve: Hello is anybody here? Hi this is not Steven, this is his Mom. Does anyone have any idea where Steve is? We’re worried sick. If any of you has any idea please call our number or come by our house. Thank you.

Rainbowmonkeylover12: …

StacyCheers: What do we do?

[TheChad has entered the chat]

TheChad: Get off the chat! Network has been compromised, I repeat, network has been compromised! Juvies

[TheChad has been permanently banned from TOTALLY NOT THE TEEN NINJA CHAT]

Rainbowmonkeylover12: I’m scared.

[Stacy Cheers, c4v4ller0 and Rainbowmonkeylover12 have left the chat]

[Reconnecting…]

Dr. Chester Kenneth Harnell,

As kind as your offer of the use of your factualities and equipment, and your generous offer to salvage the Lady Lucrezia is, I am afraid that I have no interest in partnering with you at this time. To be perfectly frank, I have known about the experiments Proactive Citizenry has been conducting in the field of cross-dimensional travel for some time now, and I don’t like it. Their attempts to flee our world and bring unwinding to your dimension is both cowardly and shortsighted. Cowardly, because they do not have faith in a system that has served our world for well over forty years, and shortsighted because of the obvious fact that unwinding will indeed make a comeback.

Let me explain both of my points like this. As stated before, unwinding has served our world well for many years. By taking the less than desirable and delinquent youths, whose lives would have otherwise gone to waste, and putting them to good use, society has killed not just two birds with one stone, but around ten or twelve. Now, with such a well laid out and efficient (if not a tad cruel) system in place, you would think that the ones who ran the system (and benefited greatly, might I add,) would rush to its defense when said system experienced a few minor setbacks. This, however, is not the case, as you may have already heard.

In your world, unwinding as it stands in the US right now is on par with murder. Now, I won’t go into the moral arguments for or against the procurement of parts by harvesting, but I will say this; when a society is accustomed to something, and all of a sudden that something is taken away, then you will begin to see problems in that society that weren’t there when the old system was in place.

Again, I loathe to repeat myself, but as I said; Unwinding is a little cruel, but so what? What is the suffering of the youth going to his unwinding compared with the sufferings of his two, three or potentially hundreds of victims? So the youth will not see his next birthday, so what? Would he have seen it anyway if he was allowed to continue on his current path? So you see why my charges for cowardice and shortsightedness are valid and all too true, Proactive Citizenry had a duty to our world to continue the work it has done, and they are fools to thinking that America will continue to show these youths who so recently were bound for the scalpel the same amount of compassion in a couple years time when they are set loose on the street

Unwinding will make a return, you can bet on that much, and when it does I want to be in a good position to take advantage of it. You, Chester, my friend, are ambitious and full of energy. I like energy, you do remind me of myself when I was a young man. However, I warn you Chester, such passion left unchecked will eventually get you into trouble just like our friends at Proactive Citizenry. If they hadn’t gotten a wild hair and created that little Frankenstein monster of theirs, maybe they wouldn’t be in the position they are in at the moment. Take my advice, Chester, my friend; lay low until the bleeding hearts have lost their steam and the Harvest Camps are fully operational again. If you can keep your cool till then, maybe we can discuss doing business. From what my sources tell me, you are a very hard and resourceful worker.

I’ll be in touch,

Divan Umarov.

ATTENTION: THIS MESSAGE IS FOR THE SECTOR LEADER OF SECTOR W’S EYES ONLY. DO NOT OPEN UNLESS YOU ARE THE INTENDED RECIPIENT UNDER PAIN OF DECOMMISSIONING SERIOUSLY WE MEAN IT.

Number 363, this is a formal reprimand. For the seventh gaggilion time: We do not know where your sister is! You read the dispatches, you know full well and good that every operative is under strict orders not to pry into why certain parents are choosing to dress their kids in white, an order, I might add, that was first issued by YOUR SISTER! I’m sure that wherever your sister is, she’s fine. Number 362 is a capable operative more than equipped to deal with whatever should be thrown her way. Again Number 363, this is your final warning, do not send messages across official Kids Next Door airwaves concerning the kids wearing white robes and absolutely DO NOT try to intimidate anyone wearing white robes who you may know. I have enough to worry about with the Candy Pirates council getting ready to meet and the rumors about the Teen Ninjas to have to deal with kids complaining to me about you. Also, as you know, Sector V has officially gone rogue. It is believed by some of our contacts that you may have some information regarding them. I highly advise you to come up to Moon Base and make your report. I'd hate for Number 362 to come back, and I have to tell her that you have been decommissioned. Again, Harvey, this is a formal reprimand. Say anything crazy about your sister being kidnapped, or anything about the white robes, and you will be hauled up here for immediate decommissioning!

-- . . - / -- . / .- - / .-.. .. -- . / .-. .. -.-. -.- -.-- .----. ... / .- .-.. --- -. . / .-- . / -. . . -.. / - --- / - .- .-.. -.- .-.-.-

Number 86

Ms. Sarah Taggart,

On behalf of the Harlan Dunfee Foundation, and with no amount of small personal satisfaction, that I am pleased to inform you that we have recently located your son Roland.

He was found a few blocks away from an antique store that was serving as a safe house for AWOL Unwinds until its apparent destruction. (Our organization as well as the authorities believe the shop to have been destroyed in connection with Connor Lassiter, the infamous Akron AWOL). However, this bit of information is not relevant to the current situation, and although your son refuses to tell us anything about the past two years there, we do not think he is hiding any information in regards to the fire or the tragic death of antique stores owner Sonia Rheinschild (who has, as you may recall, been on the news quite a lot lately).

Again, however, this information is neither here or there. Your son has been found and expresses a keen interest in being reunited with you! As you will surely understand, due to the unprecedented and miraculous events of the last year, our organization is quite busy in reuniting families and patching up the divides in family that surely cut deeper than any surgeon’s scalpel during an unwinding. Many of these wounds take time, and in many cases professional intervention. However, we are happy to report that your son is not the rule but the exception. Roland has been made to run a gauntlet of psychologist and it has been determined that his feelings of forgiveness are genuine and that he really wishes to repair, maintain and nurture a loving relationship with his Mother. Now despite all this we would like for both of you to attend sessions together, and to keep and contact with us to ensure a healthy reintegration. As stated before, we are quite busy so your son’s homecoming will take a couple of weeks, but we assure you that he is safe and healthy and will return to you whole and well!

On behalf of the Harlan Dunfee Foundation I would like to wish you and your son well. I would also like to take this opportunity to express our deepest apologies for sending you a letter saying that your son had already been unwound; we hope that your son’s return will be enough to express our apologies.

Warmest regards, Harlan Dunfee Foundation!

Benedict Uno.

The first part of our tale is told. Hello everyone, if you hadn't already guessed by Emerald Butterfly’s nifty little introduction, I am Mr Lloyd, coauthor of this story that I have had the pleasure of sharing with you, and my lovely editor. First of all I’d like to say thank you for taking the time to read through the story, it means a lot to me and Emerald. All of this started a couple of years ago, I have a medical condition, which basically means if I get Covid, I die. So; I was cooped up, and decided I wanted to do something, if not constrive, then a lot of fun! So I messaged Emerald, and told her I wanted to write a Unwind fanfiction, not only a Unwind fanfiction, but a Unwind Phineas and Ferb crossover. So Emerald Butterfly got to work, banging out the first few chapters (which you can view on her account by the way) and I proceeded to do a big fat heaping load of nothing. That’s right, I sat on my tale approved chapters and never did any work! There’s a reason that fic is currently dead at the moment, anyway; a couple of months pass and one day, I’m eating some takeout from Moe's Southwest grill, listing to Harry Turtledove’s Guns of the South for the seventh time, and I got to thinking, man wouldn’t it be cool if Proactive Citizenry traveled to the KND universe to screw things up there? And thus, Operation Unwind was born, I went straight online and tentatively messaged Emerald Butterfly: “ Hey do you want to work on a Unwind KND fanfiction?” And for whatever reason, she said yes, and I got one of the best editors in the world! I worked hard this time, almost two years of hard work as a matter of fact!

And thus, Operation Unwind was completed, and you're reading me stroking my own ego. If I hadn’t had stressed it already, thank you to Neal Shusterman and Mr Wartburon for creating two very wonderful pieces of storytelling in the “ Unwind Series” and “ Codename Kids Next Door” respectively, thank you to Emerald Butterfly who has been an outstanding editor, and has been very patient with me as I struggled to pump this thing out. And most of all thank you to you, the reader! Everytime you like this story, or especially comment on me and Emerald race to see it, you guys keep us going. If you hadn't noticed, book 1 has ended, and yet there’s still a lot more story to tell. As I write this, Sector V moves forward into a world with few allies and even fewer prospects. Connor Lassiter, Risa Ward and Hayden Upchurch still sit in Number 1’s brig and Father and Roberta are about to move on to the next phase of their plans. To take a line from the author of the Sharp series: the illustrious Benard Cornwell, Sector V will march again. However so will Number 1, Father, Proactive Citizenry and maybe even The Galactic Kids Next Door…

Stay tuned for Operation Divided

As me and Emerald Butterfly say when we’re signing off,

Stay Young, and Stay Whole!

Mr Lloyd.